Beta #6: the never-ending saga

This weekend was a mix of ups and downs. I had 2 major cry sessions each day, but I was grateful that my one friend and my husband’s Aunt and Uncle popped by to keep me distracted.

My Aunt also brought a butterfly cross-stitch pattern for me to do. She thought I could use something to keep my hands busy and keep me off the internet (clearly she knows me too well).

I called in sick today after I got this morning’s blood work done. I was exhausted, but I think it was more emotional exhaustion than anything else.

I slept from 10 am – 2 pm.

I woke up and made chilli for my supper even though my husband won’t be home from the field until after 9pm tonight.

I watched a movie and chatted with a fertility friend who is always so good to keep me distracted on testing days. 🙂

Today’s results are 555.

The doubling time is 92.2.

I got the “sweet” nurse today. Poor thing. I totally broke down on her when she told me the results. The clinic is still thinking ectopic. She said to stay on my meds and go again for blood work on Wednesday. They hope to be able to tell me more then.

Ugh! Why am I stuck in this beta hell? Because it’s truly hell once you’re on your 7th blood draw and have no clue which way you are headed.

Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to stay on my meds.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me in some way or another during this difficult time.

I appreciate your support more than words can ever explain. XOXO

Beta #5: facing the inevitable

Today’s beta was 323.

This week we went from 193 to 291 to 323.

Not good. No doubling there. 

My nurse said ideally 1 of 2 scenarios will occur:

1. My body’s HCG will naturally start to decrease bringing with it a natural miscarriage
2. My betas will continue to slowly rise indicating an Ectopic pregnancy

She also said I could stop my meds today or stay on them until Monday when I do my next blood draw.

Initially, I was against this concept. Why would I stop by meds if I’m not 100% positive that my baby is gone? My levels haven’t dropped. They are increasing!

I went to Mr. Google looking for that last sliver of hope. I typed in “Misdiagnosed miscarriages”, then “low and slow rising beta successful pregnancy“.

Each scenario had one common denominator: the betas may not have doubled, but they consistently rose and the increase tended to get greater in size between betas – unlike my decrease. 

Lindsey – it’s time to be realistic here. 

I might stop by meds tonight. My ass could use the break. My husband thinks I should stay on them until Monday.

Emotionally, I’m doing alright. I grieved quite a bit last week when we got our initial beta counts. I was positive they were too low to be viable, but somewhere along the line the universe decided to give me hope.

Misguided? Misdirected? Or just plain beautiful?

How is hope ever a bad thing?

Well…

In this case, it prolongs the inevitable.

And it’s time to face it.

My baby is not going to survive.

*cue the water works* 

If you had asked me this morning, I would have told you I would have done anything and everything to prolong this pregnancy until I could go for an ultrasound. I needed that ultimate proof.

But now, I don’t want it to continue any longer than it has to if my baby isn’t going to be healthy and safe in my arms at the end of it. It’s weird to know my baby is inside me now, but that she won’t be for much longer.

What do you do when faced with a miscarriage diagnosis?

I can hardly believe I have to ask that question.

Somebody call the police!

Check out this post from The Almost Mom. I have been feeling so many of these sentiments lately.

The Almost Mom

I have been STOLEN FROM!!! 

Something so dear to me, so priceless and meaningful has been RIPPED from my hands and from my life and I need someone, anyone, to stop the thief and return my lost possession to me!

I know exactly who the thief is too. It is a dirty, rotten, lying, conniving piece of poo. Makes you feel worthless, kicks you when you are down, and now- I have just realized, is stealing too!

Who is the thief? Infertility. Infertility is my thief. Infertility lies and tells us we aren’t good enough, that we have done something wrong to deserve this. Infertility in conniving and raises hopes to dash them away- always holding the cards close to chest. Infertility. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth and lingers much longer than you want it to.

But this, friends. This I can’t stand. Stealing, on top…

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Reflections on Beta #4

I wrote my last post, Beta #4: on ectopic watch, from a place of fear.

I’m not saying that fear is completely gone, but I did have to spend some time tonight finding a place of stillness.

Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary.

My husband was as excited as a little kid on Christmas morning waiting for that phone call this afternoon. As luck would have it, he was home from the farm for the day. I left work a bit early this afternoon and had a nap while we waited.

When the call finally came through, I didn’t expect to hear what the nurse said, “Your results are still low. We need to keep monitoring you. You are on ectopic watch. If you experience any pain, go straight to the emergency room.”

Each time I think this fertility journey is looking up, I am faced with another challenging situation.

As I hung up the phone, I was in panic mode. Mr. Google was the first person I turned to researching ectopic pregnancy symptoms and then, success stories of low and slow rising betas.

It’s true that you will ALWAYS find a success story out there for each and every fertility scenario you face.

Does that mean it will happen to you? Not necessarily, but it lessens the fear. 

Developing my own intuition has gone hand in hand with my fertility journey. For months now, I have believed this IVF would be a success. I saw my baby’s due date long before we even had our retrieval and transfer scheduled. I have connected with my baby girl many times and she has reassured me that she is on her way to me now. But, each time my patience is tested, I step back from trusting my own intuition.

I decided to reach out to my one of my close intuitive friends (who has actually connected with me 3 times over this beta limbo period). Tonight, she validated that she is still seeing a pregnancy in the womb that is connected to much joy and love. She instructed me to stay calm and patient, to stop researching the scientific stats and to remain connected to myself and my baby. When I look outside of myself for the answers, I weaken my connection to my baby girl. I need to remained focused on being her mother for this journey.

She also mentioned she kept seeing angel wings. At first this freaked me out. All I could think of was Angel Baby (coming from a place of fear). Once I settled down, I realized this related to what a very kind friend said to me last week,

“Don’t be afraid. Let the Angels take care of this.”

My husband and I ate supper together and then I told him I needed some alone time to reconnect with myself.

I lit some candles, poured some oils in my diffuser, rearranged my crystal grid and meditated for about half an hour.

Once I was done, I asked my husband to join me. We laid together on our bed with our fur babies. I place my head on his chest. If I can’t listen to my baby’s heartbeat right now, I can find comfort in hearing my husband’s. 

At the end of the night, I have found stillness amid the chaos of the medical system.

I believe we still have a chance.

There is truly nothing I can do at this point but hope for the best possible outcome.

I will remain patient and calm. I will be strong for my baby.

Beta #4: on ectopic watch

Today’s beta results are 291.

This is NOT looking good. This gives us a doubling time of 81 hours. My last doubling time was 36.6 hours.

As of right now, I’m on watch for an ectopic pregnancy. My nurse said if I experience any one-sided cramping that I need to go directly to the emergency room.

Beta #5 is Friday.

I pray for the strength to make it through this. 

Beta #3 Results

I know you’ve all been waiting for this update…

This afternoon went by surprisingly but my clinic contacted me like an hour and a half later than they usually do. Why does this waiting game seem never-ending? It was worth it for these results though. 

Today’s beta is 193!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m going for a repeat on Wednesday.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. I truly believe in the power of prayer and know that there has been so much positive energy surrounding me to help make this happen.

Welcome home little bean. Snuggle in tight. XO 

Confessions of a POAS Addict: Part 4

I had one FRER left (for now haha)… obviously I HAD to pee on it.

This folks is the darkest FRER I’ve had yet.

Why is this significant?

• It’s been 4 days since my last HCG booster shot. All of the artificial HCG should be out of my system by now.
• Today’s line is significantly darker than the previous FRER from Friday. My body may actually be increasing it’s HCG on it’s own.

I have hope going into tomorrow’s Beta #3.

I know we are far from the safe zone and things could turn around at any second, but right now, they are looking better.

My sore boobies are also back. I have never been so happy for sore tits in my life. 🙂

Wish me luck and plenty of baby dust.

Beta #2 Results

I just got the email from my nurse (yes, she emailed instead of calling. I think I may have scared her with my “I did my beta. I have no hope. I’ll be waiting for your call” email this morning). I wish she had called instead though.

Today’s beta is 53.

She asked me to repeat it on Monday.

I HATE BETA LIMBO.

My thoughts:

• If the HCG booster had accumulated enough to be around 20, then my beta MIGHT have doubled.
• The lack of symptoms is still discouraging. Boobs are ever so slightly sore. Cramps come and go. I am trusting what some of you have said about perhaps my body has adjusted to the progesterone and the lack of artificial HCG. If this is a viable pregnancy and the symptoms stay like this, I definitely won’t be complaining.
• I need to Google the shit out of this AGAIN

My husband is frustrated. I’m frustrated.

I hope this little bean is just taking her sweet time, but I also need to be realistic.

THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who have been there for me from the start, from the middle and from recently onwards.

Your prayers, love, light, advice – it’s all appreciated. 🙂

Beta Day #2: realistic instead of optimistic

I won’t deny it. My hope is dwindling.

Since my Beta of 47 on 12dp5dt, I’ve pretty much lost all symptoms. I had huge swollen, sore boobs. I couldn’t lie comfortably due to the tug in my lower abdomen. I had to pee every hour. I was EXHAUSTED.

There is a slight tug, ever so slight, but the rest is gone. Last night, I even slept through the night without having to pee.

The only thing that throws me off was I experienced some brown spotting yesterday afternoon. It was gone by the evening,  but I hoped so much that my bean was just snuggling in.

Being the crazy POAS addict that I am, I peed on a FRER about an hour ago (yes folks, that was 3am SK time) . It had lightened up to the equivalent of what I saw at 9dp5dt.

That is not a good sign.

I’m going into this beta expecting it to drop. I feel like I’ve lost my little bean. I know I felt pregnant three days ago and now,  I don’t.

I’ve got 2 hours until I need to get up and battle the old people for a spot in line at the blood lab. I better get some sleep. 😦

One Lovely Blog Award

THANK YOU to the following bloggers for reading my blog, getting to know me and recognizing me for such a nomination:

• My Perfect Breakdown
• Electric Mystery
• The Boy Who Never Lived
• Waiting for Baby Bird

I have said it often and I’ll say it again: I do not think I would have made it this far on my journey without the online infertility community. You have been my rock. Thank you for recognizing me.

The criteria for accepting the One Lovely Blog Award is:

1.  Thank the person who has nominated you and provide a link to his/her blog.

2.  List the rules.

3.  Include 7 facts about yourself.

4.  Nominate 15 other bloggers and let them know that they have been nominated.

5.  Display the award logo in your post.

7 Random Facts about Me 

1. I am an Android user. I have never owned a iPhone. I have a Nexus Tablet and a Chromebook (although I will admit one day I’d maybe get a Macbook).

2. I had pin straight hair until I hit puberty. Now, it’s wavy/curly and awfully unruly in humidity. I often wish it was just one or the other, super straight or super curly. Being in the middle is sometimes more difficult to deal with (kinda like infertility haha).

3. I played clarinet in my high school band. I loved band even thought most of my friends didn’t understand why I would like it. We always went on the best field trips. I also used to play piano and would consider taking it up again.

4. Every year I take my chihuahuas for photos with Santa. I wonder if I can bring Oliver the cat this year? Although I love sending Christmas cards in the mail, I also use this photo as an e-card that I email to some people and post to Facebook.

5. I am a Cancer-Leo. I was born on the cusp. This means I’m emotional + LOUD. What a great combo! 

6. I wear glasses 99.9% of the time. I used to wear contacts until I started working in an office. I can’t wear my contacts and stare at the computer screen. I also tend to get dry eye and suffer from allergy conjunctivitis. These days, the only time I wear contacts is during ball season or to special occasions like weddings.

7. September 14 was the 8 year anniversary of my move to Saskatchewan. I’m an Ontario import, but Saskatchewan is definitely now home.

My Nominations

I’ve decided to nominate a mix of infertility and pregnancy blogs. It truly feels like so many of my blog friends have been fortunate enough to cross over into the realm of pregnancy. On that note: Sensitive infertiles beware! Click at your own risk!

The Barren Librarian

Infertility, Why Me? 

You Just Need to Relax

Ladylove & Babydust

Project Infant

Officially Pregnant

Mama at Heart

One Day at a Time 

Waiting on our Welcome

A Calm Persistence

My Life as a Case Study

The Hopeful Worrywart

Ever Upward

My Crazy Beautiful Life

In Quest of a Binky Moongee

Future Dance Mom

Accepting your nomination is completely optional. If you choose not to accept, remember that I think you are FANTASTIC! If I didn’t nominate you, YOU ARE ALSO FANTASTIC. I just needed to stop somewhere!

Much love,

Lindsey XO