Welcome… thanks for stopping by!

I bet you are either:

  1. Trying to conceive
  2. Experiencing or grieving a pregnancy loss
  3. Entering the phase of parenting after infertility/loss

Some days are harder than others. Often the light at the end of the tunnel seems unreachable.

But, I’m here to tell you: YOU CAN DO THIS.

The fact that you found my little corner of the world wide web proves to me that you WANT to move forward. We can’t predict what the outcome of our struggles will be, but I guarantee you are on the right path. You landed here which shows you are empowering yourself with information and connection.

Information will allow you to advocate for yourself and make informed choices. Connection will remind you that all those thoughts that run through your head, all those emotions that overwhelm you, and all of the challenges that lie ahead are COMMON (as much as we all wish they weren’t).

I’ve been there. I get it.

As you read my story, you will see that I made it through.

I’m beyond blessed to be a Momma to our beautiful Angel Emme, and my vivacious earthly son Wyatt. I believe there may be another soul (or two) waiting in the wings for the right opportunity to join us. But, much like you, I have NO CLUE what the next leg of my journey looks like.

I’m currently taking a hiatus from Awaiting Autumn.

Right now, I’m not awaiting anything.

Being a mother, a wife, a friend, an entrepreneur, and a volunteer in my local fertility community is where my focus is these days. My words are flowing, just not on these pages.

I’d glad you found me though. And I hope you leave with a lesson or two to comfort you.

Welcome to my story – a journey through unexplained infertility, ectopic pregnancy loss, and into motherhood.

To be continued… 

 

The relay of bereaved motherhood 

I heard from an old hometown friend tonight. The last time we connected it was about cloth diapering just after my son was born. 

I always enjoy when someone reaches out after years of non-contact and you are able to bond over life experiences –  except for times like this. 

Tonight, her tone was rushed and anxious. She wondered if I knew how long it took to recover from a miscarriage. She had just experienced one at almost 6 weeks pregnant and wasn’t feeling normal. 

How do I explain to her that you will never feel normal again? 

How do I tell her that your womb will always seem dark and your heart will remain broken? 

She had noticed the posts I share on social media about infertility and loss. She wondered if I could recommend any resources that had helped me. 

Where do I even start? 

I linked her to Standing Still, Unspoken Grief and my personal fav, A Bed for My Heart. 

I told her to trust her intuition and speak to her doctor if she still isn’t feeling right. 

I let her know that the physical recovery would happen much quicker than the emotional recovery. 
Geez. How does one even find the words to describe lifelong loss? 

Finally, I told her that she could reach out at any time. I’m here if she wants to talk about it. 

Because really that’s what we all needed… 

Someone to listen. 

Someone to reassure us. 

Someone to remind us that we aren’t alone. 

I never wanted to become that someone, but I’ll carry the torch proudly and teach her what she needs to know for when it’s her turn to pass it along. ❤

11 month update

Ugh, folks… I have an 11 MONTH OLD! We are one month away from toddler status.
This month, Wyatt…

  • Has been going to daycare part-time for 6 weeks
  • Has been sick for 3 out of the past 6 weeks – bad cold, fever, croup. Did I mention I love daycare germs?
  • Loves the swings at the park and reading books
  • Waves goodbye and gives high fives
  • Is (almost) standing on his own unassisted
  • Gets himself down from the bed or the couch
  • Can crawl up and down the stairs
  • Absolutely loves making music! We have daily jam sessions with his shakers, drum and xylophone.
  • Has become a bit of a Daddy’s boy
  • Is still co-sleeping, breastfeeding and in cloth diapers

This past month, Mommy…

  • Has been transitioning back to work – self employed this time! 🙂
  • Is learning that working from home with a baby is HARD – especially when he is sick
  • Is feeling the feels as her baby boy doesn’t need her as much anymore.
  • Participated in a film project about miscarriage. I really hope I can share it with you when it’s done! 

A small gesture of compassion

I’m not going to deny it. I’ve had a rough ride with my Mom since my ectopic pregnancy.

I’ve never felt support. I’ve never felt that she “got it.”

She said things like, “It’s time for you to get over it.

Last week, I told her that I was participating in a local film project about miscarriage. She sounded surprised and a bit curious when she replied with, “Oh? Really?“.

Anyway, she just shared this on Facebook.

babiesgonetoosoon

Today is not a special day.

But…

It’s almost the anniversary of our loss.

It’s almost pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

It’s almost time for the wave of light.

Maybe, just maybe… she’s been paying attention?

The why doesn’t really matter.

I’ll take the gesture as a positive sign.

It’s the first time my Mom has publicly acknowledged our loss and that’s a HUGE step forward. ❤

Finding connections when we least expect them

Besides mothering, what could we have in common?

She has 3 beautiful daughters each spaced 2 perfectly planned years apart. Clearly not infertile. 

I enjoyed her company though. We chatted about motherhood – breastfeeding, cosleeping, returning to work. I felt a sense of normalcy to finally be able to relate to an acquaintance on a level I never could have before.

Finally, I mentioned that Wyatt was an IVF baby.

She asked, “Is he your first?”

“No, we had a loss before him.”

“Me too. I lost my first baby too.”

And just like that, I realized my judgement was so wrong.

It’s the things you can’t see, the words often left unspoken, the pieces of the story that hurt when they are said out loud that bind us together.

I see you warrior Momma.

And thank you for sharing your truth with me. ❤

 

 

 

Where do all the Angel babies go?

This morning,  I listened to “Beam Me Up” by Pink and wondered to myself…

But where is up? Where do all the Angel babies go? What does this place look like?

I pictured a place like Neverland

Except no evil Pirates to be found

A place where fairies live

Where green leaves are lush

And fireflies light the night sky

Where sunsets glow ember

And rainbows never fade

Where flowers bloom all year round

A perfect temperature – never too warm, never too cold

Beautiful ponds filled with golden fish

Puffy white clouds

The bluest of skies

Where the wind whispers lullabies

Through fields of wildflowers

Vibrant, yet soft

Cozy and peaceful

Where happiness, love, joy are felt with intensity

It’s beautiful. It’s magical. It’s stunning.

Yes, that makes perfect sense.

That’s where our babies go when they aren’t with you or me. ❤

A response from Huggies

I actually sent the letter I wrote to Huggies.

Here’s the response I received:

Dear Lindsey,

Thank you for contacting us about the HUGGIES® e-newsletters that you are receiving.

I have forwarded your request to our technical team for immediate removal from our e-mail distribution list.  However, because our Brand e-newsletters are scheduled in advance, it is possible that you could receive one or more e-mails within the next two weeks.  I am sorry for any inconvenience.

Please let me know if you have any additional questions about our products or newsletters.  Thank you.

Alisha
Consumer Services, Kimberly-Clark Corp.
Lead the world in essentials for a better life.

When I received their response, I realized I was naive. I actually thought they would maybe take me up on my offer to help. Should I have mentioned that I have a background in UX and actually design web/software applications? 

I know Alisha is simply doing her job, but I wasn’t looking to be removed from a mailing list. I could have easily hit unsubscribe or changed my account preferences myself.

I was looking for Huggies to show me that they have COMPASSION for women who experience pregnancy or infant loss.

I wanted Huggies to understand how much their “whoopsie” marketing affects these women and pro-actively make a change to avoid future heartache at their expense.

Who am I kidding? Corporations don’t value compassion.

Huggies won’t make a dime off grieving mothers. Why would they invest time and money into a minor web enhancement to avoid offending this minor target market? There’s no ROI when there’s no baby to diaper.

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) in the USA and the theme is #startasking. Even if my effort to start a discussion about pregnancy loss with Huggies wasn’t a success, it was a start. If we all #startasking, we are destined to see change. ❤

startasking-niaw-rotating.jpg

In the USA, National Infertility Awareness week runs from April 24-30, 2016. For more information on how you can #startasking, visit Resolve: The National Infertility Association

In Canada, Canadian Infertility Awareness Week (CIAW) is May 12-20. For more information, visit fertilitymatters.ca

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Huggies

Today I received an email from you with the title: Are you ready for your little one’s big one?

I thought to myself that this marketing campaign is REALLY early. My son’s birthday is over 6 months away.

Then, it hit me.

You were referring to my dead daughter. My expected due date was May 24, 2015. Her 1st birthday could have been month from now, but instead we lost her much too soon.

At first, I was angry. This was just another example of how inconsiderate society is towards grieving mothers. Do you really expect a woman to update all of her marketing preferences after she’s lost a child?

I took a deep breath and thought to myself that maybe I shouldn’t be so upset?

Thank you Huggies for acknowledging our Angel’s upcoming special day.

My husband and I still recognize it even though no one else around us does. We don’t receive any cards, any phone calls or even any texts. A woman who experiences pregnancy loss may have only held their child in womb, but she will forever hold their memory in her heart. The world around her moves on, but she always remembers those significant dates. This year, you are probably are the only one who will remember – even if it was a mistake.

The thing is pregnancy loss affects 1 in 4 women. I’m sure I’m not the first who’s experienced such a “WHOOPS” on behalf of Huggies. If you’d like to work together to find a solution to this scenario, I’d be more than willing to help.

Lindsey

(Momma to Emme and Wyatt)

 

screenshot-link-huggies.com 2016-04-21 17-04-28

Hello from the other side

Today I found out that a friend lost her twins. She was about 12 weeks along.

I was in my car when I read her email. My heart sunk and my eyes welled with tears.

The song “Hello” by Adele came on the radio and took on a whole new meaning to me.

“…When we were younger and free… I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet…”

Just last week, I was talking about cloth diapering with my friend. I bet cloth diapering is the last thing she wants to hear about now.

Transformed.

It’s the best word to describe life after loss.

You can’t erase it. It doesn’t go away.

And you are never the same.

As the song kept playing, it made me wonder if the lyrics were my current self – the mother to an Angel – speaking to the naive, hopeful and heart-ful me from before our loss.

“….I’m sorry for breaking your heart…”

Or maybe it was the opposite? Was my former self apologizing for something she had no control over?

Maybe it was my Angel? No, it couldn’t be. I put no responsibility onto that special little soul. She maintains her innocence.

“…They say that time’s supposed to heal ya… But I ain’t done much healing”

I came home and nursed my son. He smiled up at me.

Having him brings me immense joy, but he doesn’t erase the knowing.

Grief hurts.

The pieces of my broken heart are still fragile.

Please keep my friend in your hearts this week. ❤

 

 

Lasting Hearts Card Drive

As you know, I’m a big fan of the “You are the Mother of All Mothers” book by Angela Miller. Today, a gal shared with me that there is a fundraiser taking place in the USA to get this book in OB/GYN offices. Women facing miscarriage will be given a copy along with cards from caring individuals who understand.

If you are interesting in creating a card to be given to these parents when they get a book, here is the info. It is simple:

  • You can send as many cards as you would like.
  • Please use a sentiment such as: thinking of you, in my prayers, in my thoughts, sending hugs, sorry for your loss.
  • For the inside of the card, you can either leave it blank or hand-write a simple message. Not much – just simple and kind. The message can be something listed above, along with your first name and hometown. (Such as: “Sending lots of prayers from Jennifer in Cincinnati.”)
  • Please send cards in unsealed envelopes to:
          Lasting Hearts Card Drive
          2892 N Bellflower Blvd Ste 216
          Long Beach Ca 90815
  • Include a post-it note on the card(s) with your name and email address so you can be eligible for a prize!
  • If you would like to include a donation via mail, you are welcome to but not required to.

Creating cards is something we can do easily and a great way to share kindness.

If you are looking for more details or way to donate, visit this website: http://www.jennifermcguireink.com/2016/01/lasting-hearts-card-drive-giveaway.html

Note: If anyone has any ideas on how we can set something up like this in Canada – let me know! I’d love to help get it going.