FET cycle – CD1

CD 1 – Frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle has begun!

The details:

  • This is our 1st (and hopefully last) FET following a fresh IVF cycle that resulted in an ectopic rupture
  • We are transferring our 2 embryos. I’m super excited to see them! 
  • It’s a natural FET
  • Tomorrow,  I start 400 mg of Estrace 2x daily + 1 Asprin
  • First monitoring appointment is Jan 19th – blood work + ultrasound. Welcome back Dildocam! It’s been a while… 
  • When I get the go ahead, I start Prometrium + Doxycyline and BOOK OUR TRIP back to the clinic
  • Transfer is tentatively scheduled for January 27. My guess is it will be a few days later as I typically ovulate later on a natural cycle

This afternoon when I heard back from the clinic, I felt a bit anxious. I reviewed my medication schedule. I counted my pills (yes, I’ve got some left from when I was pregnant). I went on Expedia and looked at travel options…

Then, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that:

My goal for this cycle is to remain calm, go with the flow and feel at peace with the process.

The only thing that mattered tonight was whether or not I had enough Estrace and Asprin for tomorrow. Answer = Yes.

There’s nothing to worry about.

One day at a time, one step at a time…

newbeginnings

We are coming back for you babies! Your Daddy and I are so excited to see you. We love you and can’t wait to bring you home. XO

Longing to be an infertility unicorn

An infertility unicorn is a woman whose story gives hope to so many other struggling women. She’s the woman who – just when she was about to run out of money, hope, strength and actual eggs – magically conceives naturally and goes on to give birth to a beautiful miracle baby.

The irony of the infertility unicorn is that very few people have actually known one… except for the know-it-all fertiles who relentlessly give you advice like “just relax”. They always seem to know an infertility unicorn… 

infertilityunicorn

Have you ever thought that maybe YOU could be that miracle story?

Well, this month I secretly hoped I would.

I tracked my ovulation based on my typical cycle and body signs.

When it was prime time, I unleashed my inner seductress.

*cue your fav early 90s R&B jams mixed with a little Marvin Gaye”

I specifically chose what we would watch on Netflix based on the show’s sexual content.

I shaved my legs, showered and didn’t pick my zits before coming to bed.

I even offered a BJ to get him in the mood. Yes, this was a special treat. My BJ quota has been low lately as we all know blow jobs don’t make babies. 🙂 

We did it in the night.

We did it in the morning.

Hell, we even did it twice once day.

I effectively seduced my husband without him even realizing what time of the month it was.

Passionate love. Increased intimacy. Mind-blowing orgasms.

He was stress free and spent, while I lay there visualizing his fierce sperm meeting my luscious egg.

All signs pointed to conceiving our miracle baby.

I was going to be the next infertility unicorn!!!

Well, maybe not…

It’s CD 26. The usual pre-period signs have made their appearance specifically slightly brown tinged cervical mucus.

No miracles here folks…. except for the miracle of science!

Bring it Aunt Flo! Onwards towards our FET cycle!

ivf_baby_body_suit

(In)fertile limbo-land – AGAIN!

CD 32. Natural Cycle.

BFN. No fucking period!

Nothing. Nadda. No spotting. No symptoms.

I had some slight cramping last week, but now I’ve concluded that must have just been shit cramps (Yes I just said shit cramps – keepin’ it classy).  My nips were sore, but that went away.

I’ve been waiting since CD28 for Aunt Flo to appear. I usually get it between CD 28-31.

So, I’m reaching out to the fertility gods to give me a hand here.  Because we all know the second I hit Publish Post, I run to the bathroom and BAM she’s here! 

It’s exactly 2 weeks til our IVF consult. I’m anxious to hear what Dr. H has to say, but more anxious to get this period over with.

Come on Aunt Flo! Stop playing this mind game with me and just let me have it! 

 UPDATE: As predicted, I go to the bathroom and the ever-so-slightest bit of spotting has started. Finally. Let’s get that full flow started. I’m ready for a fresh cycle.

Surgery Day: openness, relaxation and big decisions

CD29. Pending good ol’ Aunt Flo.

My beta was negative on Wednesday as I expected. 

I stopped my Progesterone the night before (I’m bad – I know). Last month, it took about 2 days after I stopped until my period started. It’s Friday, so I hoping (yes I just said that) that she arrives before the end of the day.

Right now, my hubby is in the operating room having his circumcision done. He’s been super grumpy and nervous. And to top it all off: HE’S GOT A MAN COLD! Please someone help me!

The surgeon told him he will enjoy it so much better once it’s done. I hope he’s right.

My husband’s story is an example of why I think families need to be open, honest and comfortable with each other.

If it wasn’t for my Mom and our family’s willingness to share, I never would have discovered the possible the connection between my husband’s condition and our fertility issues. She asked if my husband was circumcised as she remember her brother had gone through a similar situation. My Uncle ended up getting circumcised in his early 30s after his wife and him tried for almost 10 years to conceive their second child. I immediately booked an appointment with our family doctor to get her opinion. Alright, I actually Googled it first. Who wouldn’t? After a referral to a urologist, then a general surgeon, here we are today.

During our consult, the surgeon had asked us if my husband had any history of infections, he said no. When I told my mother-in-law about his pending surgery,  I learned that he most likely developed his Phimosis from reoccurring foreskin infections when he was a child. She remembered him having his last one when he was about 8 years old. My husband didn’t remember any of this.

It was hard learning that this was not something he was born with. His condition should have been dealt with when he was much younger. I felt stupid for not realizing he had a condition earlier on. I felt naive for believing him when he told me it wasn’t an issue.

Right now, my opinion has changed. I’m happy we got the surgery as it will prevent any future issues or infections, but I’m unsure that my husband’s condition is DIRECTLY related to our (in)fertility. As we are “unexplained”, the doctors thought IUI would be a good solution until he had surgery. Since the failed IUIs, I’m beginning to think there has to be another factor influencing why we haven’t conceived.

While my hubby recovers, we’re on a break. I booked a meeting with our RE on March 3rd to discuss next steps. I’m going to request a Hysteroscopy. I need validation that there is nothing hiding in or around my uterus that may be preventing implantation. I’m willing to try one more IUI, but I’d really like to get on the IVF waitlist.

This month is reserved for down time and decision making. I honestly think I’m most excited to NOT be on the crazy meds. 

Side note: GO CANADA GO! We’ve taped the Men’s Olympic Hockey game so my hubs can watch it when we get home. 🙂

 

 

(In)fertility land limbo = lots of time to ponder

CD ?

Well, I guess technically CD 31. I stopped my progesterone on Tuesday (CD28). Still waiting for Aunt Flo to appear.

Wednesday was a disaster for all of the following reasons:

  1. I got the final confirmation that my beta was negative.
  2. I was mad at my clinic for not calling promptly.
  3. After disclosing our negative results to a few close friends, I realized they don’t understand how fertility treatments can be a crap shoot – especially IUI. There’s no guarantees – ever. (In)fertility really has placed me in a different category. I’d love to have answers. I’d love to have zero stress. I’d love to know more about why. But I don’t. 
  4. Our fridge motor starting going. Just what I need to pay for right now: a new fridge! 
  5. My boss told me he wants to me to travel for work sometime the 1st or 2nd week of February. I have no clue how this is going to work with my appointments. 
  6. I discussed my potential schedule with my work colleague who will be travelling with me. I told him I MIGHT be able to do February 12-14 IF Aunt Flo arrives before the end of the weekend. He told me his wife will not let him be away for Valentine’s Day. You have got to be fucking kidding me! We’d be flying back that night! I felt like he’s left me no option but to tell my boss what my situation is – as obviously my fertility appointments are a legit excuse for being inflexible with my travel schedule.
  7. My husband tends to tune out when he’s stressed. I asked him to call his Mom to let her know about our results. I also ask him to tell her that I needed a few days to myself, but I would get in a touch when I was feeling better. Well, he “forgot” to mention this to her. She tried to call. She emailed. Ugh. I had asked him to protect me from having to deal with anyone or anything else today. I felt extremely unsupported.
  8. I melted into a complete emotional breakdown. Again. *sigh*

So, I did what any (in)sane (in)fertile would: I called in sick for 2 days.

Note: To anyone I work with who may potentially stumble upon this blog and figure out it’s me – Hello! Welcome to my blog! Mental Health may not be the flu, but it’s a valid reason for taking time off. Thank you. Enjoy your reading.

And I slept and slept and slept. It was nice to finally not have the vivid dreams I had while on the drugs.

Then, I paid the bills, researched new fridges, and took the time to think about WHY I took this negative cycle so hard.

It’s definitely an ego issue. I am a successful person. Fertility is the only thing that I am majoring failing at in my life.

I am a spiritual person. I believe in divine timing. I also believe that we have life lessons we choose for ourselves before we enter this lifetime. Taking those beliefs into account, I’m not failing. The timing just isn’t right. I’m meant to continue on this fertility journey as it’s going to be a positive thing for my life. Whether that means strengthening my relationship with my husband or getting to know myself better, there are positive reasons WHY we are facing these difficulties trying to conceive.

I keep wondering what’s wrong with me? I keep feeling like some other health concern is going to come up. But, I know these are just ego-based fears. The tests have proven that my functions are all functioning… so far, at least. 

I will continue on this journey knowing that it’s not worth it to spend an abundance of time worrying about the outcome. I need to embrace that this is a part of me now. (In)fertility has made me face many deep-rooted issues: resentment, fear, anger, inadequacy, need for support, etc. Each time I dissolve one of these belief systems, I get closer to my true self.

So for now, I will:

  • Be up front about my fertility schedule and how it can be emotionally demanding. Make balance in my life. Focus on me. Set aside time each day for relaxation.
  • Tell my boss what I’m going through – not for pity, not to lesson my workload, but so that he can understand why I can’t be accommodating at certain times of the month.
  • Speak up more to my husband about how he can support me.
  • Stop taking (in)fertility so personally.
  • Look at the positives of the situation. 
  • Find the joy in planning for our future that I once had – starting with re-decorating our main floor living room. Bonus: non-baby related. 
  • Not stress about the small stuff. We need a new fridge? No problem. A fridge is a necessity. Move $ from the savings to the chequing and go buy one – which we did last night! Yeah!! Got an in-store deal that was better than what was advertised online. Our fancy new fridge arrives on Tuesday. Another non-baby thing to look forward to. 🙂 

Wednesday wasn’t all bad though. I got my refinished wash stand back – a first step towards the main floor redecorating. For those of you who are wondering how it turned out, here you go:

Image

I have a Reiki appointment at 4pm today. Believe it or not, Reiki has brought on my period many times in the past. It helps that stagnant energy to get flowing.

Come on CD1… I’m ready for you. 

Like a kid waiting for Santa

15 DPO. CD 29. Christmas Day.

I was up at 5:50 am. Can you guess why? And no it wasn’t because I was excited to open Santa presents. 

I had to pee on another stick. Ok – two sticks. I did both a FRER and an internet cheapie.

Verdict: still BFN.

My body is wack!

Yesterday, I even jumped the gun and called in my CD1 only to realize a few hours later that my spotting was completely GONE?!?! Luckily, no one was there at the clinic. If today progresses equally as well, I’m going to call back first thing in the morning and actually ask for that blood test. Yes I know. My husband keeps telling me I should have gone Monday. I was still spotting that day. I was discouraged and lacking hope. Plus, I chickened out because I spoke with a different nurse. 

Anyway, yesterday morning I had cramps. Period-like cramps. So I decided to venture to the bathroom and check things out. I was spotting brown but decided to throw in my Diva Cup because cramps typically = oncoming period for me. I realized I put it in inside out (which is actually the right way, but I’m one of those randoms who finds it more comfortable to wear inside out). When I took it out to adjust, it there was a bit of red in the bottom. Ok perfect. Period is here. I was right. 

I got home last night at 7pm and took my cup out to empty it. Except there was barely anything in it? In fact, it contained mainly brown-tinted watery discharge?? Wtf? 

The night continued on and so did my cramps. I continuously made trips to the bathroom expecting to find Aunt Flo making her Christmas entrance. But, she never came and the spotting was completely gone.

So, I went to bed excited like a kid waiting for Santa Clause. Praying for a BFP to make my Christmas the most memorable of my life!

Still no BFP. But… I’m not out of the game yet.

I am so apprehensive about even posting this. I have gone to the bathroom twice to check if I’m spotting since I started writing.There is nothing shittier than the waiting game. I would just like to know either way. 

Could this just be a crazy cycle due to 1st round of Clomid? Or do you think I’m one of those people who will get their BFP at like 17DPO?

Updated: WOW! I should listen to my intuition more. Literally 10 minutes after posting this, I got the death cramps. Been keeled over on the couch with the heating pad for the past hour. Aunt Flo has arrived. Merry Christmas! And we move onto 2014… CD1. IUI #1. Clomid Round 2. 

All I want for Christmas is…

Preface: I know the second after I hit Publish Post, my period will probably start gushing. Because you know, that’s just how life goes… 

CD 26. 12 DPO. 3 days til Christmas.

A few years ago when we first started trying, I had a prego dream where I was hugely pregnant. Since then, I’ve had a few dreams about other people being pregnant, but none about myself.

Two nights ago, I had a BFP dream. 

I was sitting in a doctor’s office waiting for the results of my blood test.

I could hear the nurses out in the hallway saying, “Did you tell her yet? Did you tell her?”

My nurse responded with, “No, I’m going to right now.”

She entered the room, held up a pregnancy test and said, “Congratulations! You are pregnant. It’s positive!”. The test had a pink + sign on it.

I didn’t believe her at first. I asked her if she was sure that it was my results.

She told me again, “Yes, you are pregnant!”.

I started to smile and get excited… then I woke up.

Yes, I know. Consciously, this doesn’t make much sense. Did the nurse put my blood on the pregnancy test to get a + result? I dunno. It doesn’t matter. Point is: it was positive! 

Wow. WTF does this mean? 

Since the test in my dream looked like a First Response (except it did the + like a Clear Blue?), I decided to drive to Shopper’s Drug Mart and pick one up. I’ve been using internet cheapies lately to save some moo-lah. Curiosity always gets the best of me. I tend to test way too early. 8DPO = BFN, 10 DPO = BFN. 

I waited til this morning to test using the First Response and got another BIG FAT BFN! ugh FML again x1billion 

This leaves me at 12DPO = BFN.

Other symptoms include:

  • Minimal spotting – Mainly light brown. One red wipe again yesterday. Barely anything today. In fact, it’s almost gone away! Could this be a good sign? Stop it with the signs Lindsey! 
  • Barely-there bloat
  • Occasional hot flashes

Verdict: really not much of anything. It’s still technically early for Aunt Flo. These are the days I really wish I kept temping. 

Since I don’t have my period yet?, I realized my luteal phase isn’t going to be that short. *whew* Cross that off my crazy (in)fertile worry list.

The game plan for tomorrow is to call the fertility clinic and get that blood test requisition. The nurse told me I could do a blood test if I didn’t have my period by December 23. She knew their office would be closed for a few days and doing the test tomorrow would give us an answer before Christmas. Once I’ve spoken with the clinic, I am heading straight to the lab. 

If it’s positive, I am going to thank God, baby Jesus, Jolly Old St. Nick and even the Grinch himself for making my Christmas miracle come true.

If it’s a negative, I’m heading to Costco to pick up my clomid. And patiently wait for good ol’ Aunt Flo to appear… again.

Please send your positive thoughts my way. I’ll update you tomorrow. 🙂