My baby fell out of bed

I never thought I would say this but…

Wyatt fell out of bed – as in our big queen sized bed – because we are still cosleeping.:/

Now, let me preface this by saying, it sounds MUCH worse than it actually was.

My little monkey is super active. Whenever he wakes up, he flips himself onto all fours and be-lines it for the side of the bed. He’s usually searching for our cat Oliver. If I’m lucky the cat is curled up on the bed and distracts Wyatt long enough for me to get to him. Poor Kitty. We are working on the concept of gentle petting. 

Anyway…

I awoke to Wyatt making an “ugh, ugh” sound. I opened my eyes and screamed, “OMG where is the baby?!?!” My husband does not have the reaction time that I do as he mumbled and lay there half asleep not seeming concerned at all.

I looked over the side of the bed and there was my child slowly sliding towards the floor. Yes, I’m now accepting nominations for Mom of the Year. *head smack*

Since I had been anticipating this day, I had previously lined the floor on my side of the bed with a 3 high stack of pillows. Along the top of the bed had been a body pillow with another pillow on top of that. Wyatt must have rolled around and gone overboard with the pillows from the top of the bed.

He did not touch the floor. He was laying on top of a minimum of 5 pillows.

I picked him up. He snuggled into my chest and went immediately back to sleep.

See, I told you. It sounded MUCH worse than it actually was.

In fact, the worst part about the situation was that it was 5am and I couldn’t go back to sleep after running all of the worst case scenarios through my head. Anxiety is lovely – isn’t it? 

The next day I ordered a BabyHome Side Rail. It came. I assembled and installed it. It works awesome.

I WISH I had listened to my gut months ago and ordered it instead of listening to my husband who wanted to wait “just a little longer”. The irony is he is the one who insists that Wyatt stay in our bed even though he complains non-stop about having no room. The bed rail has given us what feels like 2 feet of space back! I love it!

Moral of the story: Get a bed rail. They work. They make everyone more comfortable. Mom has less worries…. except… he loves to use it to stand up now. OIE!

Almost 9 months in, I still love cosleeping. I get to sleep. I get to snuggle. I can easily feed him. I’d like to transition him to crib naps before we transition night time. He’s had 2 crib naps so far. Hopefully we can build up to more before the end of the summer.

 

 

 

 

The daycare solution

A few months ago, I wrote about my daycare dilemma. I had many options to ponder – part-time nanny, nanny share, home daycare, daycare centre – but I wasn’t sure which was the best for us.

After 3 home daycare interviews and a tour of the daycare centre that offered us a spot, I’m very happy to announce that we’ve chosen the daycare centre.

We made our decision back in June, just before we left to visit my family. We literally had 48 hours to decide after taking the tour.

Reasons we chose a daycare centre over home daycare

  • Reliability – open Mon-Fri 7am to 6pm except stat holidays
  • Flexibility – we can take our family vacation whenever we want, not based on someone else’s schedule
  • Regulated and Secure – Safety plans, log in/out sheets, communication books. I really like the process of how a daycare centre is run.
  • Experience – All staff have mandatory education levels, first aid courses, etc.
  • Kid-friendly building –  Built in 2011, it’s new and designed for kids in mind (little toilets and all!)
  • Fits our lifestyle – cloth diaper friendly, breast milk bottle friendly, flexible nap schedules. They are willing to work with us to make it work for Wyatt.
  • Long-term potential – Wyatt can stay in the centre until he reaches school-age, potentially longer depending which school he attends.

Downfalls to going with a daycare centre

  • Less personal – Wyatt will not always be taken care of by the same person, but that also means he’s adapting. On the flip side, I was worried about a day home being too personal. I mean if you have an issue with a single care provider, it becomes personal.
  • Busier atmosphere – even though Wyatt will be in the infant room, there is lots of activity going on in the centre. I found it overwhelming. I just hope my little man adjusts ok and isn’t too overstimulated. Wyatt is so curious and loves bigger kids. I’m sure this downfall will end up being a positive in the end.

The current situation

Now…here’s the biggest catch: We had to take the spot for July 1st. We are already paying for daycare even though Wyatt won’t be attending full-time until October.

This may sound crazy, but the odds of us getting another centre spot in our city before October 1st were slim to none. We figured the financial output is worth the long-term gain.

They also told me I am free to do drop-in care as I need it. Basically, we are paying for the spot and we are free to use it as we please. They are always staffed to accommodate him as if he is there full-time.  I’m going to drop him off Thursday morning for an hour while I have a dentist appointment.

I’m not going to deny it. The whole concept of dropping him at daycare is heartbreaking. I worry whenever he’s not with me or his Dad. Will they catch onto his queues? Will he be upset the whole time? 

The plan is to phase Wyatt in gradually until I return to work. The Daycare Director was awesome and very encouraging. She actually suggested the gradual transition. I plan to drop him off for appointments over July/August, and put him in 1-2 days a week in September building up to my full-time return to work.

As for my work situation, I can’t spill the beans just yet on what’s happening. I will when I am able to. I feel like the Universe has answered many of the requests I’ve put out there. Finding a daycare we are comfortable with was just the start.

 

 

8 month update

Well, this update is long overdue as we are fast approaching the 8.5 month mark.

 This month, Wyatt…

  • Is STILL in the majorly distracted phase
  • Is still co-sleeping, breastfeeding and in cloth diapers. We took disposables on our trip to Ontario and found the Seventh Generation brand worked for us.
  • Started crawling on all fours, pulling himself to standing without assistance and even climbed up a few stairs
  • Is eating like a champ
  • has 4 teeth – 2 top, 2 bottom with another 2 top attempting to poke through. Yes, he got 3 teeth in 1.5 months. 
  • Started using his “big boy” car seat. He hates it less than the bucket seat. We have the Clek Fllo.
  • Took his first plane ride to Toronto to see Grandma and Grandpa
  • Went to a Blue Jay’s game
  • Had his first swim in Lake of the Bays, Ontario
  • Spent 3 hours with a babysitter that wasn’t a relative

This past month, Mommy…

  • Has been struggling with anxiety. It’s been a month of reflection, contemplation, deciding what I want in life – all things that cause my brain to go into overdrive. Walking remains very therapeutic, along with ensuring I get some “me” time after Wyatt goes to sleep.
  • Thoroughly enjoyed our trip to Grandma and Grandpa’s cottage. It truly felt like a much needed vacation.  We even got to take our first “date” without Wyatt – a kayak ride on the lake
  • Reunited with her bestie after way too much time apart
  • Realized that the “mobility” phase – crawling, standing, walking – is much harder for me than the newborn phase. It’s forced me to refocus my attention on Wyatt and re-prioritize what really needs to get done when he’s awake.
  • Received some major career news (which I will share more about when the time is right)
  • Chose a daycare for Wyatt – again, more details to come…
  • Spent too much time away from her blog…  but I’M BACK!:)

Unpacking the box

My brother and his wife were blessed with a little girl yesterday! Yes, I said GIRL! They did not know what they were having prior to the delivery, but everyone assumed it was another boy. I am so excited for them. She’s so little and precious.

This morning my emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

“What if we don’t ever get to have a girl?” 

“What if we don’t even get to have another child?” 

Infertility drains the hope from you. You remember how hard it was the first time, maybe even the second time. You dread what you may have to face to get a slight chance at another try.

You question if it’s worth it and if you are strong enough to go through it again. You get angry at your body. You wish it was easier.

Today, I felt the need to let go.

I unpacked the box of girl items I had bought for Emme. I want my niece Madelyn to have some of them. I set aside a blanket, booties, two hats, a few onesies and sleepers. While I did this, Wyatt was crawling around at my feet.  I gave him a set of pink and blue baby blocks to play with. He can have something from his sister’s box as well.

I’m beyond grateful for our son; for all my nieces and nephews. When I get upset after a new little person joins us, it is nothing personal with the family who has been blessed. I’m so happy for them.

What surfaces are the demons of infertility – my own longing, my own grief, my own fears. Sometimes they need to be tamed back. Today they needed to be felt and let free.

 

 

 

What the world needs more of

Today I went for lunch with a former coworker. He was literally passing through my city as we only got to catch up for an hour. Much to my surprise, he showed up with a hitchhiker! (Yes, it’s still 2016.) My friend was making a solo trip from Calgary to Winnipeg. He is that kind of guy who didn’t mind picking up a kid who looked decent enough to keep him company on the drive home.

The hitchhiker was a British student who was in Canada for the past year for a study abroad program. He was working his way from BC to Toronto to fly home to the UK. He shared his hitchhiking tips and a few humourous moments from his journey so far.

I told him that as a woman I would have never dreamed of hitchhiking. It just isn’t an option for me. I’ve had too much fear driven into me about why NOT to hitchhike to ever consider it. My closest experience was catching a ride home from the bar with a friend of a friend.

As a mother, I’d be petrified to hear my son was attempting to cross half of Canada based on the good will of random strangers. But isn’t that what the world needs more of?

Both of these guys have many qualities – determination, honesty, trust, compassion – that I admire and hope that my son will also have.

Today’s experience reminded me that we have a long ways to go as a society. There’s been so much tragedy lately. Honestly, I have been disengaged from it on purpose. As an empath, there’s just too much energy floating around for me. We need to away from hate and violence. We need to focus on love.

When Wyatt grows up, I want him to see our beautiful country and not be afraid of what he may find on that journey.

I just hope that we can get there.❤

 

 

 

 

 

The unspoken feelings on Father’s Day

We’re in Ontario visiting my parents. I just listened to them go on and on about what gender the babies will be for my sister-in-law and my sister (because surprise! She’s almost 5 months pregnant but hasn’t officially told my brother or I).

Back in February, my parents had an intuitive reading done. This woman said they would have one more boy and one girl grandchild.

Finding out my sister is pregnant left me feeling gutted as my Dad keeps referencing this psychic prediction. Each time he does, it’s like the dagger of infertility digs a little deeper. He doesn’t get how painful it is to think what we might have to go through to try for another child and that we may never get the chance to have another.

If we can’t, I’ll need to process another round of failure and grief to find acceptance in our situation. Still, the uncertainty is scary.

I know that intuition can be off. This woman may not have seen what the future holds for my husband and I. Life is moldable. Energy changes each instant.

It doesn’t help that it’s Father’s Day. Any occasion associated with parenthood stirs up all the emotions inside me related to infertility and loss.

It doesn’t help that my Dad referenced my husband’s ”First Father’s Day”, forgetting about our Emme and the fact that Mike has been an amazing father to get our fur babies for years before that.

It doesn’t help that as my Dad went on and on, a close friend of mine who is living a child free life posted about their infertility struggles on Facebook. We get their pain.

So for today, I’m going to accept that they still don’t ”get it”.  I’m going to enjoy my last day at the beach by taking in the warm sun, feeling the cool breeze off the lake, and sending love and light to all the Fathers out there.

Whether you hold your children in your arms or only your heart, I see you. I honour you. I feel with you.❤

Happy Father’s Day to my husband Michael. Wyatt, Emme and our brood of fur babies are so blessed to have you.

Finding connections when we least expect them

Besides mothering, what could we have in common?

She has 3 beautiful daughters each spaced 2 perfectly planned years apart. Clearly not infertile. 

I enjoyed her company though. We chatted about motherhood – breastfeeding, cosleeping, returning to work. I felt a sense of normalcy to finally be able to relate to an acquaintance on a level I never could have before.

Finally, I mentioned that Wyatt was an IVF baby.

She asked, “Is he your first?”

“No, we had a loss before him.”

“Me too. I lost my first baby too.”

And just like that, I realized my judgement was so wrong.

It’s the things you can’t see, the words often left unspoken, the pieces of the story that hurt when they are said out loud that bind us together.

I see you warrior Momma.

And thank you for sharing your truth with me.❤