I’m having a rough 2 days.
Arguments with my husband.
I’m feeling disconnected from myself.
I escaped 3x in the past week for some much needed Mommy time – without feeling guilty or worrying – as Wyatt was with my husband. One night was a girl’s night at a friends. I didn’t even have one drink, but probably should have! Another night, I got my hair cut and coloured as I hadn’t had a colour since the summer. And Saturday morning, I went to yoga class and had lunch with a friend.
Now as I write this, little man is crying for me. I snuck away from our bed to write on my laptop in the rocking chair in the nursery (because you know – the nursery is used for folding laundry since we cosleep – HA!).
I’m feeling torn between his new found independence and his dependence on me. It’s a weird place to be as a Mother. Some days your little one seems so gr….
Fast forward 6 hours…
And I’m back. It’s 4:30 a.m. I started this post at 10:30 pm.
As I was saying, some days your little one seems so grown up and other days they still want you, still need you.
With an increased sense of independence comes less tolerance. During the newborn phase, you could easily pack them up while they were sleeping and do what you needed to do. Wyatt is not much of a napper. I laugh at all of the suggested hours of sleep/day. I’m lucky if I get 1-2 hours from the time we wake until my husband gets home. Some days are better than others, but I just can’t depend on it. We have established a definite afternoon nap though. Meltdown mode will begin by 3pm if he hasn’t had a nap.
Maybe that’s it? I’ve always said I’m not much of a routine person, but with baby dictating the schedule, I’ve got even less control over my life than ever before. Whenever I get stressed, it usually boils down to control.
My husband and I got in a HUGE fight on Sunday which led to me locking myself in the bathroom with the baby. I thought a nice relaxing bath might make me feel better, but then Wyatt decided to poop in the tub. Another moment of hilarity in which I was shown I have no control over mom life.
I’m still processing what it is that triggered me this weekend, but it’s a combo of the following:
- Husband messing up the very organized storage room that I neatly put together prior to baby’s arrival
- Husband misplacing the rain cover from our stroller which I wanted to use to get out of the house and block the wind from baby’s face
- Feeling like NO ONE listens to me – and I mean TRULY listens to me
- The distance between my Mom and I, along with her closer relationship to my sister these days
- Attempting to plan a trip to visit my family knowing that a lot of what we have to do is unreasonable, but it is what it is (i.e. having to rent a car for a week because they refuse to drive from the cottage to the airport to get us)
- Getting a slight taste of my own independence back only to realize its a facade. Mom’s don’t really have independence.
- My vagina. My pelvic floor and scar tissue are tight and sore. And you know, I’ve got a ton of solo time to work on self massage as recommended by my new physiotherapist.
- Guilt over self care. I haven’t been to acupuncture, chiro or massage in a few weeks.
- My back is sore.
- Feeling like I’m missing an in-person support network.
- The lack of intimacy in our marriage – and I don’t mean just sexual.
- My constant nagging before my husband gets anything done
- Too much time on my cell phone. Sometimes I find myself lost in the baby wearing groups, browsing cloth diaper B/S/T groups and browsing our local online classifieds. Productive? Hell no. Enriching my life? Definitely not.
- Money – who really has money on maternity leave? I’m feeling grumpy as I know I need to curb my spending even more to ensure we don’t go into debt until I’m back at work.
- Sleep training?!?!? Is this shit for real?
- Lack of routine? Am I a weirdo for not sleep training my kid?
- Relatives who ask ridiculous questions like, “Oh is he eating food yet?” He just turned 3 months. Fuck off!
- The fact that I’ve asked for a date night for 2 months now – a real date night – not an “I’m starving and don’t feel like cooking so let’s go out” night. My expectations are reasonable. I just want to do my hair, wear make up, put on some decent clothes, bring the baby with and enjoy a nice meal without our cell phones in our hands. BUT… my husband thinks it’s more important to plan wing nights with his boys :|
- The neglected fur-babies. And the fact that Max just had 8 teeth extracted from his tiny, rotted chihuahua mouth last Tuesday. He’s just genetically got bad teeth. Our other chi has perfect teeth.
- That my son witnessed my husband and I yelling at each other. I always said I did not want him to grow up seeing his parents fight like I did, yet maybe it’s healthier to be honest about the frustration, rather than hide it and let it boil? Fuck me. Parenting decisions are tough.
- COMMUNICATION. Why do men SUCK at it?
- Resistance. Why does my husband resist the things that would make our relationship so much easier? (Namely: communication and organization)
I just get so frustrated that it typically takes a break down from me before my husband WAKES UP. He is a great father. He loves playing with our son. I’m so happy with his relationship with Wyatt. But, being a great father and being a great husband are two different categories. I didn’t expect our marriage to be the same post-baby, but I do feel like we are on different pages many days now. My Mom always says that my expectations of my husband are too high, but I say fuck that. I believe that a relationship requires effort from both partners. Just because you have a dick doesn’t mean that you get an easy pass.
My best friend, who lives two provinces away, has been an amazing support the past few weeks. She shares in my frustration with man brain. It’s reassuring to know she’s only a phone call away. She makes me feel connected even if we can’t be together in person. I’m so grateful for her.
As for my husband, I hope he schedules his counselling appointment like he’s promised me. I know he doesn’t want to see me stressed and unhappy. He just needs a quick check in to get back on track.
As for me, I don’t want to feel this way. When I’m centred and balanced, I’m a better wife and a better Mom. I vow to take more deep breaths this week, put on some happy music and have a dance party with my little man. I know I need to refocus and find more time for self care – journalling, blogging, meditating, yoga, and walks outside. Even if the Canadian winter makes me want to hibernate, fresh air is good for the soul.
As for all my frustrations, I don’t need to figure them out. It’s ok to feel off balance every now and again. I just need to prioritize what really matters, let go of what I can’t control and move forward with my life.
Time for me to crawl back into bed before my big man and my little man wake up. <3