12 month update

Well… since Wyatt is 13 months old in 5 days, I’d say this update is LONG OVERDUE!

I’ve been so disconnected from WordPress lately. For those of you who I have on Facebook or Instagram, I try to keep up on there. Turns out, chasing after a toddler and running my own business take up WAY MORE time than I anticipated.

I considered whether it was the end of Awaiting Autumn, but I don’t feel like I’m ready to make that decision. I still have A LOT to say about infertility and pregnancy loss. I’d like to keep this going… for now, at least.

Wyatt’s now been in daycare for well over 2 months. Some days he’s there for a full 8 hours, other days it’s only a half day or so. I try to keep him home with me one day a week if I can fit it in. He absolutely loves daycare and all his friends. He’s adjusted so well.

Turns out, my kid is WAY MORE extroverted than both my husband and I. We joke that we can’t believe how much energy he has sometimes. Mike is quickly learning that coming home from work no longer means downtime.

My social butterfly is doing well with other kids. I noticed how much daycare has changed him when his one little friend came over for a playdate. Wyatt basically went up to him and gave him a hug. Before starting daycare, he was much more apprehensive about other kids.  He totally loves being around people, but sometimes needs his quiet time too. The daycare ladies have told me that he doesn’t like it when other kids are upset or if it’s too loud after his nap time. I joke this is his sensitive nature coming out.

The sickness trend continues. Wyatt’s been sick every other week since starting daycare. Last week was pink eye. I’ve never been so sick myself. I know I need to focus on self care a bit more (translation: not working late nights) to ensure I keep us both healthy.

Wyatt started taking steps about a month ago. He’s not walking all the time yet, but he definitely is walking unassisted. He’s so proud of himself for learning how to do it.

He’s also turned into a major bookworm. His favourite activity is reading. He has books in our bedroom, the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the car – basically everywhere. The first thing he does every morning is reach for a book. It warms my heart to see him  so engaged in reading. He would rather read a book than watch tv.  If he’s having a bad day or I REALLY need to get something done, I’ll sometimes stream Sesame Street for him.

He’s also talking quite a bit more. His vocabulary includes, “Mama, Dada, Max, Bella, Buh-bye, Uh-oh, What, Yeah..” and he makes a few animal sounds, like “Baaa, Mooo, Eeekeek (monkey).” He also blows kisses which is something daycare taught him.❤

Guess what? We are still co-sleeping, cloth diapering and breastfeeding (bet you didn’t see that one coming – haha!). I am doing good at keeping up with pumped bottles for daycare, so we haven’t done any transition to milk yet.

I miss my little baby. I often look at photos of Wyatt when he was fresh and wish I could hold him like that again. But, I’m amazed at the smart, caring and sensitive little boy he’s becoming.

As for me, I’m good. Life is crazy right now. I’m working on finding balance. It’s been an enlightening process running my own business.These days I’m focused on clarity, intention and boundaries. I’m learning a lot – especially how to trust in the flow of life . That sense of trust is definitely something I acquired after facing infertility.  My type A personality has shifted.

I’m also living more in the moment. We spent so long – so many years – focused on trying to get our baby here. I want to soak up these moments before we blink and he’s all grown up. We booked a family vacation next month to Florida. We’re meeting my brother and his family there. Wyatt will get to play with his cousins and we can visit with some of my husband’s family who live nearby as well. I’ve never taken a trip like this – especially not one that was booked so spontaneously. It feels great to know I can do this and that I can set my own schedule to make it happen.

Life is good. I am so blessed.❤

 

 

And some things stay the same… 

I still frequently go to acupuncture. My acupuncturist is an amazing woman who has helped me on so many levels beyond just fertility. 

Today at my appointment, I told her that I’ve just been exhausted lately. I attributed it to staying up past midnight for a week straight, being the Mom of a one year old, running my own business, the change in seasons and you know, the full moon. 

She asked if there was a possibility I could be pregnant. 

I told her there was a chance –  isn’t there always when you aren’t using birth control? – but it was like a 0.01% chance.

 My gut said not pregnant. 

Well… 

Curiosity always gets the best of me. 

I dug around in the bathroom cupboard and found an ultra sensitive pregnancy test. You know one of ones from my ectopic days that literally detect anything. It was even expired. 

I peed on it anyway. 

Do you get where this is going? 

I ain’t no magical unicorn. I’m just a regular (in)fertile woman who can’t resist the urge to POAS. 

I still don’t have my period one year postpartum due to breastfeeding. I clearly need to get to bed earlier and listen to my gut. 

Whomp. Whomp. Whomp. 

Hi single red line! I didn’t miss you, you little bitch. 

Film & Photography Project: This is Miscarriage

This morning, my Dad called. He mentioned how it was my Uncle’s birthday.

I asked if he remembered what else today was. He claimed he couldn’t remember.

It was awkward until he finally caved and said,

I know this is the day you lost the baby. I didn’t want to bring it up and upset you.

 I told him that it NEVER upsets me to hear you mention my baby. It is a blessing to know that you remember her too.

And that is WHY I am so vocal about my loss.

My own family can’t even get how to deal with it. 

Two years ago today, we lost our first baby due to an ectopic pregnancy.❤

My life will never be the same. There’s a ache and a longing in my heart, but I’ve transformed through my grief. I’ve found my voice and I’m passionate about helping other women through their struggle.

 This month, I am a part of a local film project called, “This is Miscarriage.” It’s based on a poem written by a woman named Laura after her 3rd loss. It features the stories of 10 women – including myself – who experienced pregnancy loss.

Even though each of our stories is unique, the emotions we’ve felt along the way are common.  There is a sense of understanding and compassion that is so strong among bereaved Mothers.

I’m proud to join hands within the baby loss community. These women are some of the the strongest I’ve ever met.

miscarriage-project-poster-2

Stay tuned… I’ll share the video once it goes live!  

11 month update

Ugh, folks… I have an 11 MONTH OLD! We are one month away from toddler status.
This month, Wyatt…

  • Has been going to daycare part-time for 6 weeks
  • Has been sick for 3 out of the past 6 weeks – bad cold, fever, croup. Did I mention I love daycare germs?
  • Loves the swings at the park and reading books
  • Waves goodbye and gives high fives
  • Is (almost) standing on his own unassisted
  • Gets himself down from the bed or the couch
  • Can crawl up and down the stairs
  • Absolutely loves making music! We have daily jam sessions with his shakers, drum and xylophone.
  • Has become a bit of a Daddy’s boy
  • Is still co-sleeping, breastfeeding and in cloth diapers

This past month, Mommy…

  • Has been transitioning back to work – self employed this time! 🙂
  • Is learning that working from home with a baby is HARD – especially when he is sick
  • Is feeling the feels as her baby boy doesn’t need her as much anymore.
  • Participated in a film project about miscarriage. I really hope I can share it with you when it’s done! 

A small gesture of compassion

I’m not going to deny it. I’ve had a rough ride with my Mom since my ectopic pregnancy.

I’ve never felt support. I’ve never felt that she “got it.”

She said things like, “It’s time for you to get over it.

Last week, I told her that I was participating in a local film project about miscarriage. She sounded surprised and a bit curious when she replied with, “Oh? Really?“.

Anyway, she just shared this on Facebook.

babiesgonetoosoon

Today is not a special day.

But…

It’s almost the anniversary of our loss.

It’s almost pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.

It’s almost time for the wave of light.

Maybe, just maybe… she’s been paying attention?

The why doesn’t really matter.

I’ll take the gesture as a positive sign.

It’s the first time my Mom has publicly acknowledged our loss and that’s a HUGE step forward.❤

Do you see the real me?

In honour of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on October 15, I’m dedicating this post to Share’s Walk of Remembrance and the Wave of Light in support of infertility and pregnancy loss and shattering the stigma.


You see me.

I’m at the park pushing my almost one year old son on the swing.

As he squeals in delight, my face lights up with a ginormous smile.

Pure joy. 

You see me.

I’m at the grocery store sporting my usual attire – a Mom bun and leggings.

I look frazzled as I scan back and forth between my grocery list and the aisle shelves while reminding my son over and over again to leave the food in the cart.

He sees a stuffed animal on display and sneakily snags it.

I finally notice his new furry friend has joined him in the cart. My son and I lock eyes and simultaneously burst out laughing.

Pure joy. 

You see me.

I’m at the neighbourhood leisure centre.

My son is taking swimming lessons. He’s a little fish who loves the water.

At the instructor’s request, I dunk him under and quickly bring him back up. As he rises, he takes a gasp of air and looks shocked. I giggle and tell him how proud I am of him. He shakes the water off and smiles back.

Pure joy. 

You see me.

I’m in the waiting room at the doctor’s office.

My son notices you across the room and waves.

You give him an oogley funny face that all little kids enjoy.

He laughs.

You smile at me and I smile back.

To the outside world, I look like a typical new mom – sometimes frantic, sometimes frazzled, but filled with so much happiness and love.

Inside, my heart often aches.

The doctor’s office is a place I don’t like to go.

It reminds me of 4 years of fertility testing and treatments.

It reminds me of negative pregnancy tests, positive pregnancy tests and low rising betas.

It reminds me of phrases I’ll never forget like, “I’m sorry, but you are on ectopic watch” and “Your tube has burst. We need to take you in for emergency surgery.”

Heartache and grief. 

What you don’t see is a little girl.

What you don’t hear are the thoughts that go through my head each time my son experiences a momentous “first” in his life…

Because I often wonder what her first smile, first laugh, first step would have been like.

I’ll always wonder.

What you don’t feel is the grief that still clouds my heart – especially in October and May of each year.

What you don’t feel is the immense love I had for her even if she was only here for a short time. She lived. She is still mine.

My daughter. My child. 

Loved and lost. 

Did you know I am a grieving mother? Did you realize my son is a little brother? Did you sense that my story is deeper than it seems?

1 in 4 women experience pregnancy loss.

1 in 4 women have a child they will never get to see grow up.

1 in 4 women are like me.


I would like to thank my friend Justine Froelker, author, advocate and blogger at Ever Upward for the opportunity to participate in the Footprints Blog Tour which runs until October 15.  Check out Elena’s post from yesterday and continue the tour with Erin tomorrow.

On October 15, post your Walk of Remembrance photos on social media using #ShareWalk2016. Light a candle at 7pm and join in the #WaveofLight for #pregnancyandinfantlossawareness.

We are in this together.

I see you warrior Momma. I know your pain. I know your joy. I know your journey.❤