The relay of bereaved motherhood 

I heard from an old hometown friend tonight. The last time we connected it was about cloth diapering just after my son was born. 

I always enjoy when someone reaches out after years of non-contact and you are able to bond over life experiences –  except for times like this. 

Tonight, her tone was rushed and anxious. She wondered if I knew how long it took to recover from a miscarriage. She had just experienced one at almost 6 weeks pregnant and wasn’t feeling normal. 

How do I explain to her that you will never feel normal again? 

How do I tell her that your womb will always seem dark and your heart will remain broken? 

She had noticed the posts I share on social media about infertility and loss. She wondered if I could recommend any resources that had helped me. 

Where do I even start? 

I linked her to Standing Still, Unspoken Grief and my personal fav, A Bed for My Heart. 

I told her to trust her intuition and speak to her doctor if she still isn’t feeling right. 

I let her know that the physical recovery would happen much quicker than the emotional recovery. 
Geez. How does one even find the words to describe lifelong loss? 

Finally, I told her that she could reach out at any time. I’m here if she wants to talk about it. 

Because really that’s what we all needed… 

Someone to listen. 

Someone to reassure us. 

Someone to remind us that we aren’t alone. 

I never wanted to become that someone, but I’ll carry the torch proudly and teach her what she needs to know for when it’s her turn to pass it along. ❤

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The end of the first year

I must admit it. I’ve been horrible at writing since I returned to work. Being a mompreneur means that – for now – my blog has dropped in priority. Here I am for a long overdue update.

I can hardly believe that Wyatt is 14 months old. We successfully made it through the first year. He’s developed into such a caring, inquisitive, intelligent, affectionate toddler. His personality is so strong. I often joke he’s way more of an extrovert than I am, but he still loves his snuggles and down time when we are alone at home.

He’s really thriving at daycare; although, he’s barely been there this month. We went to Florida for a week earlier in December with my brother and his family. Then, my husband and I both took some time off over the Christmas holidays.

I hosted Christmas supper this year with my in-laws which was better than I expected. I really made an effort to focus on the kids. Wyatt (kinda) learned to open presents, but was way more excited to watch his cousins open theirs.

I really realized this holiday season that I miss my family. Tremendously. I wish my parents could have seen more of my son throughout the first year of his life. We’ve started facetime-ing with them a bit more often. My Mom works crazy hours though and she doesn’t get to see Wyatt as often as my Dad does. He made strange with her on Christmas morning and it just broke my heart.

We really enjoyed vacation with my brother though. I want to make an effort to visit my family more often each year.

Guess what? Come on this is an easy one… we are still breastfeeding, co-sleeping and cloth diapering. We might try to transition Wyatt onto milk at daycare and his toddler bed for naps (he hated the crib, so we converted it the other day). We aren’t really in a rush. We keep chatting about it, but haven’t actively pursued either yet.

As for me, I’m still working on getting clear as to what it is I’m destined to do for my career. I’ve been successfully freelancing and consulting since September. I have a few opportunities in front of me. I’m trying my best to listen to my intuition on which one lights me up and fits our family needs.

Going through infertility, loosing a baby, birthing a beautiful rainbow baby and watching him grow over this past year has given me a new perspective on life. I spent so many years angry, resentful, ashamed, hurt, grieving and feeling guilty. Infertility and loss will always be a part of our life – a part of our story – but I’m not willing to let the darkness overcome me. I will go with the ebbs and the flows of my feelings, but my son deserves to live in a home full of light.

I’ve decided my word for the year 2017 is CREATE… and I plan to create a life full of happiness, love, joy, and passion.

Happy Holidays & all the best to you in 2017.

XOXO

Lindsey

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12 month update

Well… since Wyatt is 13 months old in 5 days, I’d say this update is LONG OVERDUE!

I’ve been so disconnected from WordPress lately. For those of you who I have on Facebook or Instagram, I try to keep up on there. Turns out, chasing after a toddler and running my own business take up WAY MORE time than I anticipated.

I considered whether it was the end of Awaiting Autumn, but I don’t feel like I’m ready to make that decision. I still have A LOT to say about infertility and pregnancy loss. I’d like to keep this going… for now, at least.

Wyatt’s now been in daycare for well over 2 months. Some days he’s there for a full 8 hours, other days it’s only a half day or so. I try to keep him home with me one day a week if I can fit it in. He absolutely loves daycare and all his friends. He’s adjusted so well.

Turns out, my kid is WAY MORE extroverted than both my husband and I. We joke that we can’t believe how much energy he has sometimes. Mike is quickly learning that coming home from work no longer means downtime.

My social butterfly is doing well with other kids. I noticed how much daycare has changed him when his one little friend came over for a playdate. Wyatt basically went up to him and gave him a hug. Before starting daycare, he was much more apprehensive about other kids.  He totally loves being around people, but sometimes needs his quiet time too. The daycare ladies have told me that he doesn’t like it when other kids are upset or if it’s too loud after his nap time. I joke this is his sensitive nature coming out.

The sickness trend continues. Wyatt’s been sick every other week since starting daycare. Last week was pink eye. I’ve never been so sick myself. I know I need to focus on self care a bit more (translation: not working late nights) to ensure I keep us both healthy.

Wyatt started taking steps about a month ago. He’s not walking all the time yet, but he definitely is walking unassisted. He’s so proud of himself for learning how to do it.

He’s also turned into a major bookworm. His favourite activity is reading. He has books in our bedroom, the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the car – basically everywhere. The first thing he does every morning is reach for a book. It warms my heart to see him  so engaged in reading. He would rather read a book than watch tv.  If he’s having a bad day or I REALLY need to get something done, I’ll sometimes stream Sesame Street for him.

He’s also talking quite a bit more. His vocabulary includes, “Mama, Dada, Max, Bella, Buh-bye, Uh-oh, What, Yeah..” and he makes a few animal sounds, like “Baaa, Mooo, Eeekeek (monkey).” He also blows kisses which is something daycare taught him. ❤

Guess what? We are still co-sleeping, cloth diapering and breastfeeding (bet you didn’t see that one coming – haha!). I am doing good at keeping up with pumped bottles for daycare, so we haven’t done any transition to milk yet.

I miss my little baby. I often look at photos of Wyatt when he was fresh and wish I could hold him like that again. But, I’m amazed at the smart, caring and sensitive little boy he’s becoming.

As for me, I’m good. Life is crazy right now. I’m working on finding balance. It’s been an enlightening process running my own business.These days I’m focused on clarity, intention and boundaries. I’m learning a lot – especially how to trust in the flow of life . That sense of trust is definitely something I acquired after facing infertility.  My type A personality has shifted.

I’m also living more in the moment. We spent so long – so many years – focused on trying to get our baby here. I want to soak up these moments before we blink and he’s all grown up. We booked a family vacation next month to Florida. We’re meeting my brother and his family there. Wyatt will get to play with his cousins and we can visit with some of my husband’s family who live nearby as well. I’ve never taken a trip like this – especially not one that was booked so spontaneously. It feels great to know I can do this and that I can set my own schedule to make it happen.

Life is good. I am so blessed. ❤

 

 

And some things stay the same… 

I still frequently go to acupuncture. My acupuncturist is an amazing woman who has helped me on so many levels beyond just fertility. 

Today at my appointment, I told her that I’ve just been exhausted lately. I attributed it to staying up past midnight for a week straight, being the Mom of a one year old, running my own business, the change in seasons and you know, the full moon. 

She asked if there was a possibility I could be pregnant. 

I told her there was a chance –  isn’t there always when you aren’t using birth control? – but it was like a 0.01% chance.

 My gut said not pregnant. 

Well… 

Curiosity always gets the best of me. 

I dug around in the bathroom cupboard and found an ultra sensitive pregnancy test. You know one of ones from my ectopic days that literally detect anything. It was even expired. 

I peed on it anyway. 

Do you get where this is going? 

I ain’t no magical unicorn. I’m just a regular (in)fertile woman who can’t resist the urge to POAS. 

I still don’t have my period one year postpartum due to breastfeeding. I clearly need to get to bed earlier and listen to my gut. 

Whomp. Whomp. Whomp. 

Hi single red line! I didn’t miss you, you little bitch. 

11 month update

Ugh, folks… I have an 11 MONTH OLD! We are one month away from toddler status.
This month, Wyatt…

  • Has been going to daycare part-time for 6 weeks
  • Has been sick for 3 out of the past 6 weeks – bad cold, fever, croup. Did I mention I love daycare germs?
  • Loves the swings at the park and reading books
  • Waves goodbye and gives high fives
  • Is (almost) standing on his own unassisted
  • Gets himself down from the bed or the couch
  • Can crawl up and down the stairs
  • Absolutely loves making music! We have daily jam sessions with his shakers, drum and xylophone.
  • Has become a bit of a Daddy’s boy
  • Is still co-sleeping, breastfeeding and in cloth diapers

This past month, Mommy…

  • Has been transitioning back to work – self employed this time! 🙂
  • Is learning that working from home with a baby is HARD – especially when he is sick
  • Is feeling the feels as her baby boy doesn’t need her as much anymore.
  • Participated in a film project about miscarriage. I really hope I can share it with you when it’s done! 

A feverish weekend

This weekend, my baby was sick.

He spiked a fever last night.

He wanted his “Dada” over his “Momma”.  That one was hard. 

He tossed and turned and cried all night long.

We gave him Tylenol.

Mike walked him, rocked him and slept on the couch with him.

This morning, he was ready to return to his Momma. He drank and drank, clearly thirsty from fighting whatever his little body had come down with.

His nose was crusted with yellow snot. His eye was poofy and red. His hair was slick with sweat.

He fought the fever on and off all day long.

Late afternoon, it finally broke.

He ate a little. He drank a lot.

Suddenly, he smiled and giggled.

He hopped down and started playing with his toy.

Our baby had returned.

It is such an amazing feeling to know your little one is feeling better.

It’s only been 3 weeks since Wyatt started regularly going to daycare… and he’s been sick twice. This time was the worst of his life.

I hope he builds his immunity fast. It’s so hard when you let your little one into the world and have to trust that what they face they will overcome.

 

 

A mindful lesson in being present

Tonight, I held my baby and I cried.

You see, I’ve been resentful lately.

I’ve been angry when he won’t take a nap.

I’ve been annoyed when he wants to sit on my lap while I’m trying to work on the computer.

I’ve been aggravated that he gets into E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

I’ve wished that he would go back to the smaller, less mobile version of himself.

I struggle with his independence.

I always thought watching a little human – my little human – grow up would be fascinating, but my son is strong-willed and curious.

He doesn’t want to sit idly in front of the TV.

He’d rather cruise around the furniture testing how far he can reach items that he isn’t supposed to have or explore his toy box by taking each and every toy out of it.

Once his adventures have curbed his curiosity, he crawls back over to me and insists on being my sidekick. Even though he’s independent, he craves human contact. He likes being close.

And me, I’ve been needing space.

My mind is caught up in a million other places. I feel like time is of the essence, yet it seems like there’s never enough…. especially when your mini-me is constantly distracting you.

We’ve had a rough week. Wyatt was sick with a cold and decided that a sleep strike would be his medicine of choice. He spent a few days home with me being extra snuggley and extra cranky.

Today, he went to daycare. The daycare says he’s handling the transition really well, but I see it in his eyes that’s he’s upset with us. He’d rather be home with Mom or Dad where he always gets cuddles whenever he wants. Attachment parenting has gotten the best of us.

Tonight, my little man fought bedtime hard. I can’t get angry at him for being a nighthawk like me. He takes after me so much sometimes that it scares me. In fact, I worry what I will face as his personality seems so much more powerful than my own.

As I rocked my son to sleep, his tear stained cheek rested against my shoulder. I could feel his tiny breaths begin to get shallower as he gave in and drifted off to sleep. He felt so warm against me – so soft, so gentle. He’s little still – even if it seems like he’s getting so big.

Tonight, I cried.

Because each and every day, my son shows me what really matters. His refusal to go to bed forced me to slow down and clear my mind. I allowed myself to give in and feel the depths of the present moment.

Then, I felt guilt – for all of the anger, resentment, annoyance and struggles I’ve been facing. Because if I would just take a few more minutes to pause, take a deep breath and pay attention to my son, I wouldn’t be feeling so disconnected.

His needs actually mirror my needs. Isn’t that a fascinating concept?