The floodgates have opened

I was feeling nauseous. It had been all day – on and off.

I described it as like when I was pregnant.

Why, oh why did I make that comparison? 

He got excited.

I told him to slow down. We had JUST had sex a few days ago.

He commented that we also did it 2 weeks ago to be exact.

Isn’t it ironic that he remembers better than I do now? 

He asked if I had taken a test.

I didn’t have any.

He offered to pick some up on his way home.

An hour later, I started puking and the fever set in.

I texted him to forget about the tests. It was only the flu.

I couldn’t help but feel a sense of sorrow.

That spark of excitement at the possibility of a miracle pregnancy had been ignited. And just as fast as it was lit, it burnt out again.

I told him I was sorry.

I didn’t realize how stupid and naive I would feel thinking that we could possibly be pregnant…

I didn’t realize it would catch me so off guard.

The floodgates have opened.

The possibility and hope for another child has been brought to the forefront of our minds.

Or maybe it just never really went away? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And some things stay the same… 

I still frequently go to acupuncture. My acupuncturist is an amazing woman who has helped me on so many levels beyond just fertility. 

Today at my appointment, I told her that I’ve just been exhausted lately. I attributed it to staying up past midnight for a week straight, being the Mom of a one year old, running my own business, the change in seasons and you know, the full moon. 

She asked if there was a possibility I could be pregnant. 

I told her there was a chance –  isn’t there always when you aren’t using birth control? – but it was like a 0.01% chance.

 My gut said not pregnant. 

Well… 

Curiosity always gets the best of me. 

I dug around in the bathroom cupboard and found an ultra sensitive pregnancy test. You know one of ones from my ectopic days that literally detect anything. It was even expired. 

I peed on it anyway. 

Do you get where this is going? 

I ain’t no magical unicorn. I’m just a regular (in)fertile woman who can’t resist the urge to POAS. 

I still don’t have my period one year postpartum due to breastfeeding. I clearly need to get to bed earlier and listen to my gut. 

Whomp. Whomp. Whomp. 

Hi single red line! I didn’t miss you, you little bitch. 

Purging the past

Tonight I decided to clean out my inbox. Let’s just say this task was LONG OVERDUE. I’ve been hoarding emails since I switched to my Gmail account in 2012.

It’s funny how much baggage can be found in someone’s email.

In the year 2012 alone, I found emails relating to:

  • Tracking my ovulation cycles
  • Friends asking if I was pregnant yet
  • My feelings when my SIL got prego with #2
  • Baby item wish lists I had sent to my husband
  • Newborn photography package inquiries
  • Lists of baby names

Man oh man!

If I only knew back then what I know now… timeline, treatments, ugh. I was so naive, yet so hopeful and excited.

Anyway, moral of the story is: email is a form of clutter. HIT DELETE and take a weight off.

Whew. Feels good. 

Are we trying or not trying?

We found a few minutes to have sex the other day. I’m not going to jazz it up and pretend it was anything other than what it was. My husband put the baby in his crib to play with a book and some toys. We had somewhere between 7-10 minutes to be intimate before Wyatt decided he’d had enough alone time.

It was enough to make us feel human again, to bring us back to who we were before a baby joined us. I do wish we could find more moments like this.

Anyway…

The baby started whining and fortunately the timing was perfect for one of us. :/

Mike got up to get the baby and then, he said it.

Alright sperm… Get swimming!”

Wow. Talk about a mood killer. But, it wasn’t the mood that was most affected.

He didn’t foresee how gutted I would feel after he said it. He didn’t realize how many emotions 4 words could stir up. He didn’t mean for it to be hurtful.
Honestly, I think he was trying to be hopeful.

Each time I’ve mentioned having a second child, Mike tells me not to rush it and that we don’t need to worry about it now. All of a sudden it’s on his mind?

Should I embrace his positivity? Isn’t it a good thing that he’s so optimistic about us potentially being able to conceive #2 on our own?

No. My logical, rational mind can’t go there. I’m not pessimistic. I’m realistic.

I’m still breastfeeding. I haven’t had my menstrual cycle return yet. I’m down one fallopian tube. We needed IVF with ISCI to conceive our son.

I’d love to live in a state of trying without trying, but after infertility and loss, that concept just isn’t viable in my mind. I need to shelve any unrealistic expectations of conceiving on our own.

We had a brief talk about it last night. I think he gets where I stand. At least, I really hope he does. Neither one of us needs to go back to that place right now.

We aren’t trying, yet we clearly aren’t doing anything to prevent it… And we will see where we end up.

No expectations. Blissful ignorance. Simply sex for pleasure.

Let’s leave it at that.

The next child debate

Will we try for a second living child?

This question has been weighing heavily on my heart and my mind since a few days after Wyatt joined us outside the womb. While I sat in the bathtub soaking my still swollen and heavily stitched up vagina, I declared to my husband, “Awwww I want another baby!“. He told me I was crazy and needed to wait a while.

As the months have passed and my vagina has healed, my urge to reproduce has lessened.

Fear resides in it’s place.

My brother’s visit was a wake up call for me. Seeing my (almost) 2 year old nephew interact with his cousin was touching, but seeing my nephew’s jealously was eye-opening. He was confused about his cousin’s role. My sister-in-law was surprised that he didn’t seem excited when she talked about “his baby” in her tummy. As the week went on, he started mimicking the baby in the hopes of getting more attention. He had realized that his life was about to change.

I don’t remember exactly what this moment was like for me. My sister and brother were born when I was just over 2.5 years old. As with many twin pregnancies, my Mom was on bed rest, then hospitalized leading up to their delivery. I spent lots of time at my Grandparents while Dad was at work. I do remember one trip that  Dad and I took to Toys R Us to pick up stuff for the babies. Mom was already in the hospital. Dad let me pick out a toy – except he wouldn’t let me get the one I wanted. I love the significance behind what we recall as children. 

Seeing my nephew with Wyatt actually made me realize that I would prefer a larger age gap between siblings. The thought of making my son feel “second best”, “left out” or potentially even “unwanted” makes me shutter. I would want Wyatt to be able to fully understand the situation if he is to ever have a sibling join him.

On top of it all, the thought of emotionally investing in another round of IVF is too much right now. I can’t fathom dealing with such extreme emotions around my son -especially the anticipation and potential heartache. I want to protect and shelter him from all of that… for now. 

So, my big realization is that we don’t need to make a decision. We don’t have to put the stress and pressure on ourselves. We don’t have to plan when we will try again.

Instead, we will go with the flow.

I want to get back to a place of enjoying my sexual relationship with my husband before I left infertility take it away again.

I want to whole heartedly watch my son learn and grow without the worry and distraction of hormone levels, injections, follicle counts and fertilization reports.

When the time is right, I will know when I am ready to decide whether we try again or not.

Right now, we have a son. He’s beautiful. He’s smart. He’s my world.

And he’s more than enough.

 

This post was inspired by an article I read on Pregnant Chicken called, “Just One”

 

A rant about making babies on vacation

Twice in the past two weeks, I’ve had people say to me, “We hope to make Baby #2 on our upcoming vacation“.

WTF.

Why do fertiles always think that it’s THAT easy?

Both of these couples did get pregnant with Baby #1 their first month trying, but still…

I highly doubt either one understands the ovulation process.

There’s no guarantee their vacations will fall during prime fertile time.

And why would you feel the need to proclaim your initiation into the second round of baby making??? ESPECIALLY to (in)fertile me!!!!

I always hope for the best when anyone is trying to conceive, but it’s statements like this that add to the stigma around relaxation being a key component for fertility.

I get that a calm, serene environment can be perfect for conception, but the only vacation I’ll be making a baby on is the trip to my fertility clinic… and that’s hardly a vacation.

So next time you are thinking of taking a vacation to conceive your child, FUCK OFF and keep it to yourself.

Thank you. 🙂

/endrant

When it’s time to let it go

I’m getting better at handling insensitive/inappropriate comments about infertility.

In July, an IVF friend of mine had her beautiful baby girl a month early. A few weeks ago, she turned one month old and I told my Mom I couldn’t believe she was already a month when she was only just supposed to arrive into the world.

My mom’s reaction was, “Oh your friend must have had her dates wrong!“.

My response, “No Mom. You don’t ever get your dates wrong with IVF. You know exactly the age of the embryo upon transfer“.

I tried to explain a bit more. When she didn’t seem interested, I nonchalantly ended the phone call.

On Saturday, my husband and I stopped by for a visit with his Aunt and Uncle.  At one point, she asked if we would have to do IVF again to have another child. I explained that we don’t know, but that based on our previously unexplained status, the success of ISCI versus natural fertilization, and the fact that I’m now down to 1 Fallopian tube, our odds of natural conception are very low; although, not completely gone.

Her response was, “Well I think it will be easier for you now that the stress of having your first child is over.“. She turned to my husband and said, “You let her heal up good, then you get in there and get it done!“.

I looked at him and his face sunk. He ignored her comment and kept watching the football game on TV.

I told her that we really don’t like it when people ask us about having a second child. We don’t know what path we will take and we’d prefer to enjoy our moments with this baby as he deserves to be the focus right now.

Then, she said, “Well you could always adopt!”. 

*sigh* 

I initially wondered HOW so many people still DO NOT GET IT after everything I’ve explained to them about the IVF process, but then I reminded myself that if someone doesn’t care to get it, they never will no matter how many times you reiterate the facts.

We know the facts because we’ve lived them. It’s hard for someone else to understand your position when they’ve never been in your shoes. As much as you hope your family will be compassionate, I need to accept that not everyone can be or wants to be – especially all the time. Instead of getting angry at their comments, I will let them go.

I don’t always hold back, but right now, it’s much better for me (and for baby) to move on.