Reflections on Beta #4

I wrote my last post, Beta #4: on ectopic watch, from a place of fear.

I’m not saying that fear is completely gone, but I did have to spend some time tonight finding a place of stillness.

Today is our 3rd wedding anniversary.

My husband was as excited as a little kid on Christmas morning waiting for that phone call this afternoon. As luck would have it, he was home from the farm for the day. I left work a bit early this afternoon and had a nap while we waited.

When the call finally came through, I didn’t expect to hear what the nurse said, “Your results are still low. We need to keep monitoring you. You are on ectopic watch. If you experience any pain, go straight to the emergency room.

Each time I think this fertility journey is looking up, I am faced with another challenging situation.

As I hung up the phone, I was in panic mode. Mr. Google was the first person I turned to researching ectopic pregnancy symptoms and then, success stories of low and slow rising betas.

It’s true that you will ALWAYS find a success story out there for each and every fertility scenario you face.

Does that mean it will happen to you? Not necessarily, but it lessens the fear. 

Developing my own intuition has gone hand in hand with my fertility journey. For months now, I have believed this IVF would be a success. I saw my baby’s due date long before we even had our retrieval and transfer scheduled. I have connected with my baby girl many times and she has reassured me that she is on her way to me now. But, each time my patience is tested, I step back from trusting my own intuition.

I decided to reach out to my one of my close intuitive friends (who has actually connected with me 3 times over this beta limbo period). Tonight, she validated that she is still seeing a pregnancy in the womb that is connected to much joy and love. She instructed me to stay calm and patient, to stop researching the scientific stats and to remain connected to myself and my baby. When I look outside of myself for the answers, I weaken my connection to my baby girl. I need to remained focused on being her mother for this journey.

She also mentioned she kept seeing angel wings. At first this freaked me out. All I could think of was Angel Baby (coming from a place of fear). Once I settled down, I realized this related to what a very kind friend said to me last week,

Don’t be afraid. Let the Angels take care of this.

My husband and I ate supper together and then I told him I needed some alone time to reconnect with myself.

I lit some candles, poured some oils in my diffuser, rearranged my crystal grid and meditated for about half an hour.

Once I was done, I asked my husband to join me. We laid together on our bed with our fur babies. I place my head on his chest. If I can’t listen to my baby’s heartbeat right now, I can find comfort in hearing my husband’s. 

At the end of the night, I have found stillness amid the chaos of the medical system.

I believe we still have a chance.

There is truly nothing I can do at this point but hope for the best possible outcome.

I will remain patient and calm. I will be strong for my baby.

Advertisements

30 thoughts on “Reflections on Beta #4

  1. I love this as well.. Remember to find hope where ever it still exists and it still does exist. Sending strength, love, and hugs. I know this is a difficult place to be but I will always choose hope over fear. Always. Happy Anniversary!

    Like

  2. Beautiful. It makes me happy to read that you found peace and stillness in this very chaotic time. I’ve read many success stories of low-rising betas, and you’re absolutely right, there’s no reason you can’t be one of them. Sending strength to you and that sweet baby girl inside of you.

    Like

  3. Oh dear…I’m really sorry you’re still in this. Where you’re currently at mentally, releasing the fear, is something I always go back to for me as well. Surrendering the fear and the negative, for me anyways, is a really powerful coping mechanism. Wishing you lots of strength and light 🙂

    Like

  4. Happy Anniversary! My Mom’s bday is this Saturday and my *courthouse secret marriage* anniversary is Sunday–very special time of year.
    I don’t know what else to say, except keep your heart open no matter what happens–obviously your girl is here in spirit and that is just as valid as physical presence, and ectopic or no ectopic she’s a part of you.
    XOXO

    Like

  5. I’m happy to hear you’re in this place…..I really hope everything turns out and in 8 more months we’re oooh’ing and ahhhh’ing at pics of your sweet baby girl. Praying hard for you guys. BTW, happy anniversary 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s