7dp5dt: and the results are in

I caved and peed on a stick. It’s 7dp5dt. Stark negative. Not even a squinter. BFN.

My meltdown on Saturday was because I felt like it didn’t work. Since then, I’ve been telling my husband that my side effects relate more to my failed IUI cycles when my hormones were all out of wack (freezing cold then hot flashes, sore boobs that come and go, sore lower back because cycle is ending, etc).

I’m not hanging onto hope. I’m not going to sit here and pray that we get a BFP in two days or a positive beta after that.

I know my body. I’m being realistic.

This one didn’t work. 

(In)fertile limbo-land – AGAIN!

CD 32. Natural Cycle.

BFN. No fucking period!

Nothing. Nadda. No spotting. No symptoms.

I had some slight cramping last week, but now I’ve concluded that must have just been shit cramps (Yes I just said shit cramps – keepin’ it classy).  My nips were sore, but that went away.

I’ve been waiting since CD28 for Aunt Flo to appear. I usually get it between CD 28-31.

So, I’m reaching out to the fertility gods to give me a hand here.  Because we all know the second I hit Publish Post, I run to the bathroom and BAM she’s here! 

It’s exactly 2 weeks til our IVF consult. I’m anxious to hear what Dr. H has to say, but more anxious to get this period over with.

Come on Aunt Flo! Stop playing this mind game with me and just let me have it! 

 UPDATE: As predicted, I go to the bathroom and the ever-so-slightest bit of spotting has started. Finally. Let’s get that full flow started. I’m ready for a fresh cycle.

The chosen path is time for a break

13 DPIUI.

BFN. 

I ain’t playing around. I know I’m not showing much hope, but give me a break here. After 22 months, 4 medicated cycles and 3 IUIs, I know my body well enough to know when it’s another negative cycle.

I will still go for my Beta though.

Although, I’m not sure whether it’s to appease that small glimmer of hope deep in my heart or to just stick it up my clinic’s statistical ass that they failed, yet again. 

I have a friend at my clinic who just didn’t go for 2 of her IUI Betas. I thought she was brave to rebel against the process. She figured why bother? She had already gotten her period anyway. Can’t blame her. Us (in)fertiles get poked and proded enough!

Turns out, she must not be the only one as the nurses never got mad at her. She is also now happily pregnant after her 1st IVF. 🙂

As for which crossroad I’ve chosen: it’s break time. 

I’m sick of:

  • Being overly emotional
  • Having my life revolve around medication and appointment schedules in 2 week increments (pre-ovulation or post-ovulation)
  • The extra poundage I’ve put on since I began fertility meds (only about 10 lbs, but that’s enough!)
  • Not being able to enjoy my life because I feel like crap
  • Avoiding the things I love to do because of the “what ifs”
  • The grief from failed cycle after failed cycle

Our IVF consult is scheduled for July 8th. I have to complete our extensive medical questionnaire and get our records transferred from our current clinic. I want to have the paperwork done within the next 2 weeks.

And then, it’s time to enjoy being me without the worries and stress of fertility treatments.

I’m going to:

  • Be present-minded as much as possible
  • Curb my eating habits – healthy here we come!
  • Start working out – weights, biking, walking, running, yoga, softball. My ankle injury last fall combined with months of fertility treatment really set me back. I want to feel amazing in my body again.
  • Enjoy the sun, the summer and patio beers
  • Trust – that this break will be good for my mind, body and soul

I’m stepping out of the world (in)fertile madness and getting reacquainted with myself.

Welcome back, Lindsey. 

Free your mind, free your body, free you spirit.

Trust.

Good things are to come. 

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At an (in)fertility crossroad: which path would you choose?

11DPIUI.

I tested this morning…

BFN.

I know, I know. It’s still early.

But, I’m feeling defeated.

I only used an internet cheapie today. I’m going to buy a pack of FRERs tonight and test again tomorrow (as planned) on 12DPIUI.

It’s hard to be hopeful. The last few days of the 2WW are always the hardest for me.

I was feel great up until Sunday – 9DPIUI. I usually am a nighthawk, but I went to bed before my husband on Sunday night. The progesterone side effects kicked in – exhaustion, sore nips, bloated and the ever-so-slight cramping.

I think the worst part about this potentially negative cycle is that we don’t have a plan for next cycle. I was hoping deep down that we wouldn’t need a plan.

Last week, we got our consult date for the other clinic we are interested in.  We are strongly considering switching due to their more advanced techniques and their focus on unexplained cases.

Our skype interview is July 8th.

We have an extensive medical questionnaire to fill out, then I have to contact our current clinic to send copies of our records to the new clinic, and contact my family doctor for a referral (helps with medical coverage since this clinic is outside of our province).

I have been putting it off, as I wanted to see what the outcome of this cycle would be.

Since we still have a cycle before our consult, our options are:

  1. IUI #4 + clomid fermera?
  2. IUI #4 + injectibles
  3. Take a break and wait for IVF consult with new clinic

My husband has left the decision in my hands. He said he will support me either way. He would like to move forward, but knows that the drugs are hard on me.

Being in this situation reminds me of a “choose your own adventure” book, except I can’t flip ahead to see what the ending will be.

Today, I’m leaning towards a break, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Hopefully a BFP. 

Entering the home stretch: 6dpiui

6dpiui. 

My only symptoms are a few progesterone side effects. The strongest being CRAZY dreams. Don’t even ask. I wouldn’t tell you if you did. You would think I am insane! 

I’m not reacting as strongly to the progesterone this round. I have been chilly the past few days though. I went back through my notes and realized that I usually don’t get the hot flashes until the 2nd week of the 2WW. Just trying to keep myself warm – especially my feet (that’s what my acupuncturist always says). 

Other than being tired from my dream-filled nights and slightly bloated, there’s nothing else to report.

I know it’s early still though. 

I went to softball last night. I was a sub to start, so I told my coach to leave me on the bench. I kept score for the game instead. Figured that was “safe”. Even though we all know, there isn’t much need to be paranoid safe. 

Our next game is Wednesday when I’ll be 12dpiui.

I plan on testing that morning.

If it’s BFN, I’m having a beer or 2 that night after the game. We just got sponsored by a pub that is offering us Buy 1, Get 1 Free drink specials after each game. Last night, the bartender gave me 2 iced teas. 

If it’s BFP, I’ll be as excited as if I just hit my first grand slam (which I have yet to do in this lifetime). I will use that excitement to fuel my power, and hopefully hit at least a double. 🙂 Double? Wonder if that could mean twins? 

Either way, I’m doing much better emotionally this month. I’m staying away from Mr. Google and I honestly feel like I will be ok whatever the outcome may be. 

6-8 days until we know… 

Here’s hoping. 

 

 

 

Realizing that my biggest support is right beside me

CD 26. 13 dpiui.

BFN again! Beta tomorrow. 
This weekend was emotional for me. This was supposed to be THE cycle (like we all haven’t said that month after month). 

When I got my first BFN at 11dpiui, I texted my Mom to let her know. I sent a text instead of calling because I knew that my brother and his prego wife were visiting. I didn’t want to ruin the visit with my incessant (in)fertility talk, but I also wanted my Mom. Don’t I deserve a few minutes of Mom time when I’m having a rough day? 

Anyway, my Mom responded with some friendly advice from my sister-in-law about waiting for my blood test and how pee tests can be wrong. Come on now! Who is the fertility expert here? Not the one who got knocked up her first month trying and didn’t even know what the beta test was until I explained it to her 2 weeks ago. *head shake*  

I was NOT impressed. 

On my way home from work tonight, I called my Mom to catch up and talk to her about our fertility game plan. (Short version: 1 month break, 3rd IUI, get on IVF waitlist). She thought we were jumping the gun. She even said that wonderful phase: “Lindsey, you just need to relax”. 

For the past little while, I’ve gotten the vibe that my family thinks everything will “just work out”. Translation: We will get pregnant naturally. We aren’t really (in)fertile. My husband’s circumcision surgery to correct his Phimosis will solve all of our problems. 

Hello! Wasn’t that what IUI was supposed to do?

Our 2 failed attempts at IUI took my husband’s penis out of the equation. IUI was supposed to eliminate any potential barriers to us conceiving. Our Ob/Gyn said it was a very good solution for us. Well, aren’t we on the path to potentially proving her wrong. 

I tried to explain to my Mom what unexplained (in)fertility means. I told her I wasn’t willing to just wait it out and be childless 5 years from now. I told her we need to get ourselves on that list and start coming up with a plan for funding IVF in case we get there. 

Do I believe there is a chance any (in)fertile could conceive naturally? Hell yes. Miracles happen everyday. 

Am I willing to take that chance myself and not move forward? Hell no. 

I walked in the door with tears running down my face. My hubby took one look at me and said, “Uh oh. What happened now?” As we ate supper together, I told him about my convo with my Mom. When I got to the part about moving forward and planning for IVF, he said, “I agree it’s time to put the pedal to the metal.” We both smiled at each other and laughed. 

My heart melted. He understands.

I’ve been feeling so lost, so alone – like no one around me gets what I’m going through. All I had to do was look right in front of me. My husband may not have to endure all of the drugs, needles, dildocams, and inseminations that I do, but he’s right beside me holding my hand along the way. He gets it as best as he can and most of all, he understands me. 

There’s no one else I would rather be on this journey with. We are in this together.