The daycare dilemma

I’m a horrible blogger. Pre-baby’s arrival, I was convinced I would document his every step. Then, he arrived and my world completely changed. I actually found lots of time to write during the newborn phase, but now that he’s (semi)mobile I can’t spare two free hands to put on a keyboard.

Sometimes,  I feel like documenting his milestones make it all too real. He’s growing. He’s getting bigger. He is more independent…which means…

I’m closer to going back to work. 😦

I seriously don’t know how you American Momma’s do it. I’m so grateful to have 12 months off in Canada, but I am struggling with the concept of leaving my baby with someone else.

In my city, it’s challenging to find daycare for a 12 month old. Licensed centres don’t offer many spots until 18 months old (which makes no sense with our maternity leave timeframe?). Needless to say, I’ve been on waitlists since I was only a few weeks pregnant. Lately, I’ve been watching the online Mommy groups and classifieds for home daycares advertising available infant spots.

I’m not going to deny it. I’m picky and have requirements for what we are looking for:

  1. Chemical free (as much as possible)
  2. Healthy snacks/meals
  3. Low ratio
  4. Cloth diaper friendly

I talked to another Mom about the possibility of a nanny share, but that idea fell through.

Last week I interviewed with an AMAZING home daycare. The woman was a true modern day Mary Poppins. Her program is also Waldorf/Reggio inspired with homemade meals and many organic snacks. Bonus: she also cloth diapers. The issue is she is doing multiple interviews. As much as we were there to check her out, I was super nervous that Wyatt and I were also being interviewed. Out of all the people she is interviewing, we are the ones looking for a start date the furthest out. We won’t know until after June 7th what her decision is.

Today, I got a call from a daycare centre that they have a spot open for July 1st if I want it. I set up a tour to check out this facility on Thursday. If we like the centre, we will have to decide by end of day FRIDAY if we want the spot AND pay for it until I return to work.

I have one other home daycare interview lined up this week. I didn’t get a super positive vibe from the gal, so we will see how it goes.

Right now, my return to work scenario is completely up in the air. The company I work for was bought out (once again) just prior to my maternity leave starting. Since then, there’s been major changes in leadership. I don’t know what I am going back to. If I do return to my current employer, I’m planning to stay on leave until October 1. I’m keeping my eyes open for opportunities. I’m not willing to return to work until after the summer. I’d really like to stay working from home if possible too.

I’ve had people say, “Lindsey, if you are working from home, why don’t you just keep him home with you?”  We don’t follow a regimented schedule. I base my days around baby’s needs. We don’t have pre-determined nap times. I breastfeed on demand. We just go with the flow and I don’t see how that would work with a 40 hour work week… and not knowing what I’m in for.

My husband threw out the idea of me freelancing part-time and getting to stay home with Wyatt. The idea sounds AMAZING in concept, but I’m not sure the logistics of it are realistic. I haven’t been doing any freelance work throughout my maternity leave, so I don’t have any clientele right now. I love the idea of building up to freelancing on my own, but right now, I need a steady, reliable income. We still have IVF debt to pay off and would like to try another round in the future. :/

I trust that the situation will all work out. I know I’ll end up in the position that is right for me. I’ll continue to listen to my intuition when it comes to selecting the right care provider for Wyatt.

Until then, I just want to enjoy my summer of snuggles, cuddles, laughter and love before my baby becomes a little boy. ❤




7 month update

I have a 7 month old!!!! Seriously, where has the time gone?

 This month, Wyatt…

  • Is STILL in the majorly distracted phase
  • Is still co-sleeping, breastfeeding and 100% in cloth diapers
  • Can get up on all fours and do a rocking motion. He army crawls and worm wiggles all over the floor.
  • Can sit on his own and even pull himself up to standing (with the use of a sturdy object like Mom or the furniture)
  • Started babyled weaning
  • has one tooth! 1/4 of his bottom right tooth is poking through and the left doesn’t seem far behind.
  • Found his voice – from screeches to ohhs and ahhs, some days it seems like he’s constantly jabbering away.
  • Decided he HATES being in his car seat
  • Discovered his love for Elmo from Sesame Street
  • Started napping (a bit) more consistently and going to bed earlier, sometimes without the boob even!


This past month, Mommy…

  • Discovered that walking is very therapeutic for both of us. We aim for at least one 30 minute walk a day
  • Took a pole walking while babywearing class
  • Took a woven wrapping babywearing class and bought another rainbow wrap for my rainbow baby
  • Started playing fastball again which means 2 evenings/week away from home
  • Set the intention to remain on maternity leave for the summer, then decide where I’m headed career-wise
  • and Daddy tackled their first major post-baby project – repainting our massive deck! We got rained out, but Wyatt cooperated very well while we painted.



Where do all the Angel babies go?

This morning,  I listened to “Beam Me Up” by Pink and wondered to myself…

But where is up? Where do all the Angel babies go? What does this place look like?

I pictured a place like Neverland

Except no evil Pirates to be found

A place where fairies live

Where green leaves are lush

And fireflies light the night sky

Where sunsets glow ember

And rainbows never fade

Where flowers bloom all year round

A perfect temperature – never too warm, never too cold

Beautiful ponds filled with golden fish

Puffy white clouds

The bluest of skies

Where the wind whispers lullabies

Through fields of wildflowers

Vibrant, yet soft

Cozy and peaceful

Where happiness, love, joy are felt with intensity

It’s beautiful. It’s magical. It’s stunning.

Yes, that makes perfect sense.

That’s where our babies go when they aren’t with you or me. ❤

Remembering our Emme – 1 year later

Earlier this week, someone I follow posted this to Facebook and it spoke to me:

It is a myth that time heals.

Time does not heal. Love heals.

Devote time to love and you will heal.

Tomorrow is a big day. Wyatt turns 7 months old… and it’s Emme Day. She would have been 1 years old. 

I will always have a daughter. I knew her on soul level which is something I am so grateful for. Her sweet energy, her warm smile, her innocence – it all brings me so much warmth and joy.

She gave us the ultimate gift: her brother. If she had joined us earthside, we would not have Wyatt. That’s a tough one to swallow, but such a strong realization. 

I still have those moments of longing and wondering who she would have been, but I have found a sense of peace with her passing.

May 24 is not a day for sadness. It’s a day for celebration.

I plan to celebrate the love I have for both my children. Wyatt and I are starting the day with a reiki treatment, then we are making a stepping stone for the garden in memory of Emme.

We love you baby girl. ❤  



Our intro to babyled weaning

I was apprehensive about the concept of babyled weaning until I read the book, “Babyled Weaning: helping your baby to love good food“.

We started Wyatt on solids when he was 6 months, 4 days old. Before then, he was exclusively breastfed. He took to feeding himself like a champ! I’ve been so surprised at how well it’s gone… minus the mess.

What he’s eaten so far:

  • Avocado
  • Pear
  • Asian Pear
  • Banana
  • Strawberries
  • Raspberries
  • Blueberries
  • Watermelon
  • Cucumber
  • Broccoli
  • Green beans
  • Squash
  • Sweet potato
  • Scrambled eggs
  • Homemade turkey meatballs
  • Homemade hamburger
  • Ribs
  • Chicken
  • Yogurt
  • Cheese
  • Waffles
  • MumMum rice crackers
  • Mushies

He HAS to feed himself. It’s non-negotiable.  With the yogurt, I put it on the spoon and hand it to him to feed himself. I tried to give him a non-rice cereal one morning and he hated it! He spit every bite out.

Right now, we’re just doing 2 meals and maybe a small snack. He’s still nursing a decent amount, so I’m confident he’s getting all he needs.



Did you try babyled weaning? Any recipes or foods you would recommend? 



Are we trying or not trying?

We found a few minutes to have sex the other day. I’m not going to jazz it up and pretend it was anything other than what it was. My husband put the baby in his crib to play with a book and some toys. We had somewhere between 7-10 minutes to be intimate before Wyatt decided he’d had enough alone time.

It was enough to make us feel human again, to bring us back to who we were before a baby joined us. I do wish we could find more moments like this.


The baby started whining and fortunately the timing was perfect for one of us. :/

Mike got up to get the baby and then, he said it.

Alright sperm… Get swimming!”

Wow. Talk about a mood killer. But, it wasn’t the mood that was most affected.

He didn’t foresee how gutted I would feel after he said it. He didn’t realize how many emotions 4 words could stir up. He didn’t mean for it to be hurtful.
Honestly, I think he was trying to be hopeful.

Each time I’ve mentioned having a second child, Mike tells me not to rush it and that we don’t need to worry about it now. All of a sudden it’s on his mind?

Should I embrace his positivity? Isn’t it a good thing that he’s so optimistic about us potentially being able to conceive #2 on our own?

No. My logical, rational mind can’t go there. I’m not pessimistic. I’m realistic.

I’m still breastfeeding. I haven’t had my menstrual cycle return yet. I’m down one fallopian tube. We needed IVF with ISCI to conceive our son.

I’d love to live in a state of trying without trying, but after infertility and loss, that concept just isn’t viable in my mind. I need to shelve any unrealistic expectations of conceiving on our own.

We had a brief talk about it last night. I think he gets where I stand. At least, I really hope he does. Neither one of us needs to go back to that place right now.

We aren’t trying, yet we clearly aren’t doing anything to prevent it… And we will see where we end up.

No expectations. Blissful ignorance. Simply sex for pleasure.

Let’s leave it at that.

I see you beautiful mother

This Mother’s Day, I’m participating in CarlyMarie’s Mother Hearts project. I encourage you to join me. 13131588_10102682605215021_880212509367397650_o

I shed some tears this week for our daughter – tears of remembrance, tears of sorrow, tears of joy, tears of gratitude.

In my Mother Heart, I hold three babies – two daughters and a son. I may never get to meet my daughters (as one is potentially to come), but I am their Mother nonetheless.

It’s my first Mother’s Day with a beautiful boy in my arms, yet I am still feeling the aftermath of infertility and pregnancy loss. Another reminder that it doesn’t just go away.

To each one of you, however you define your own Mother Heart, I see you. I feel WITH YOU. ❤

We are all Warrior Mommas through and through.

-Beautiful Mother, I see you. I salute you. I feel with you.-


A checkpoint

I’m finding this month to be reflective.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m halfway through the first year of my son’s life?

Maybe it’s the crazy lunar cycles we’ve been experiencing?

Maybe it’s the chakra balancing and reiki I’ve been doing?

Maybe it’s just time…

Almost 3 years ago, I started writing about our journey through infertility and pregnancy loss. It’s been a combination of fact, emotion, intuition, medical intervention and miracle.

There’s no need to apologize.

There’s no need to feel guilty.

There’s no need to feel like I have to justify what I’ve said or done along the way.

It’s my truth.

It’s my story.

I’ve come a long way from the woman who typed her first blog post and hit submit.

I’ve cut ties to my past. I’ve healed aching wounds.

I’ve released those who no longer serve my greater good. I’ve tightened my circle.

I’ve set boundaries and defined my needs.

I’ve learned that I am capable, strong, intuitive, gentle, fierce, motherly, compassionate, passionate, sensitive, caring, … the list could go on.

But most of all, I’ve learned that I am LOVED.

Tonight I was feeling insecure. I questioned myself, my decisions, my steps along the way.

I know better.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned throughout it all is to listen to my gut. I know what is right and what is wrong for me. When I listen to this knowing, I experience peace and joy. When I ignore it, I experience anxiety and despair.

It’s a very clear picture; a very simple process.

There’s no need to fret dear one. You are YOU. And that’s a beautiful thing. ❤

Next time you are feeling like I was, I encourage you to ask yourself how you can change these feelings? Does what is causing them REALLY matter? What will make them go away?

Listen to yourself. You’ve got all the answers you need inside.