5dp5dt: symptom check-in

Wow. My emotions have been flying high.

I cried myself to sleep Friday night and had a major meltdown on my husband Saturday morning. It was like hope had been sucked from my me. I kept telling him I should have symptoms by now and that it must not have worked. He kept telling me to relax and give it a few days, but my irrational, emotional mind wouldn’t listen.

When I finally got my shit together, we ran some errands, then went for supper at my husband’s Aunt and Uncle’s house. After supper, we went to a friend’s to play games. Once again, I had a good time, lots of laughs and no alcohol. I can honestly say that I don’t miss drinking.

Getting out of the house yesterday was the best thing I could do for myself. I worked from home on Friday and being alone all day – even if I was distracting myself with work – just gave my mind too many opportunities to ponder our current situation. We also declined an invitation to visit with friends on Friday night and instead, stayed in to watch Netflix. Lesson learned: when I’m feeling highly volatile, I need to surround myself with my support people to regain my balance.

As for symptoms, this is where I’m at:

  • Cramping during 1-2dpt (no implantation spotting though)
  • Bloatedness that comes and goes; a sense of fullness in my womb
  • Slightly sore boobs (an increase since yesterday though)
  • My nails are harder. I noticed this during my last pregnancy.
  • Chest/back acne – this one is gross! Yesterday morning my chest, back and shoulder broke out in tiny little zits. YUCK! I don’t normally have acne. This is very odd for me.

I keep reminding myself that I can not compare this cycle to last as too many variables are different. I have no fake HCG in my system. Besides Estrace, Prometrium and PIO, my body is doing all the work on it’s own.

I think my breakdown yesterday was most likely hormonal, but also a bit of a protection mechanism. Less connected = less hurt? Well, I know that is a farce. It’s hard no matter what. Last time, I was so connected that I was crushed when we found out our pregnancy was an ectopic. Leading up to our FET, I did lots of visualization exercises, but I haven’t let myself get as connected to these spirit babies. It eases my anxiety to keep myself at arms length right now. I will grow my relationship with these babies when the time feels right.

I’m still staying strong and keeping away from the pee sticks. My goal remains to make it to 8dp5dt – this Wednesday. 3 days to go… Wish me luck. XO

happyending

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Confessions of a POAS addict

Remember when I said my husband was going to hide my cheapie home pregnancy tests? Well… he didn’t.

I’ve been testing every morning from 4dp5dt until today 7dp5dt.

This morning, I woke up to pee when my husband left at 4:45 am.

Peed.

Waited.

Looked at the test and…

It looked lighter? WTF? I considered it a dud (as we all know sometimes a prego test can crap out on you).

Went back to bed.

Woke up at 6:45 am.

Got up.

Peed.

Waited.

And this is what I saw…

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Now, I have been concerned with testing due to the fact that I am taking 15 units of HCG daily.

DrunkStorks suggested I email my clinic to see if HCG accumulates or not. I emailed them this morning. They gave me the run around and suggested I wait until Beta.

A few days ago, I spoke with AndiePants. She mentioned that HCG has a half life – meaning half of the quantity is gone from your system 24 hours later. This made me believe that if I saw a progression where the tests started to get darker, there would be a good chance that my body was starting to produce it’s own HCG.

As you can see from this photo, things look like they are progressing (I wish I had removed the dud from this photo though):

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It turns out that my sister-in-law is a pharmacy technician. I spilled the beans to her this morning and sent her the pics. She looked it up, did the math and validated that the artificial HCG would not accumulate in my system.

I’m hoping and praying that this is the start of a good sign. I’m going to buy a pack of FRER’s this weekend, but I won’t do the first one until Sunday (9dp5dt). *fingers-crossed*

My beta still isn’t until 12dp5dt on September 17.

❤ ❤ ❤

There has been lots of heartache in the community lately. After enduring a chemical pregnancy in June, Jen took the summer off and is now facing the potential of an ectopic. My heart just breaks for her. I drove to work this morning crying tears of joy that we may be pregnant and tears of sadness for Jen’s potential loss. It pains me to see someone who has been such a support to me go through another horrible experience. Please head on over to Infertility, Why Me? and give Jen some love.

Home, relationships and the 2ww

I have a whole bunch to blurt out today, so here it goes…

Home life

Last Thursday while I was having my hormonal meltdown, my neighbour cut down all of the cedar trees that we along his fence line.

I used to LOVE the privacy and greenery surrounding our backyard. Now, I just feel like he is constantly watching us.

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I’m not sure what to do! Backyard landscaping wasn’t really in the budget this year. I felt like my backyard sanctuary isn’t so peaceful any more. My husband says maybe next year we could build a higher fence and redo the deck with a privacy screen. Ugh – next year.

The kitchen is ALMOST done. We have a few spots to touch up on the walls and one drawer to rebuild (don’t ask).

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I’ve also been going through my junk treasures to decide what to put in my garage sale. I’m hosting one at the beginning of June. Two of my girlfriends are going to join me to sell some baby stuff. It would be AWESOME if we are prego and can loot their pile before the sales start… but I’m not holding my breath. 

My one girlfriend is so strong. After having a really bad miscarriage almost 5 years ago, they have not been able to conceive. They tried IUI, but have decided to leave it at that.

She is selling the baby stuff that her sister-in-law gave to them for when they would have kids. That’s gotta be hard.

She’s done lots of soul searching to come to terms with only being an Auntie.  I pray everyday that they will receive a miracle.

Hey God – hopefully before June 7th when she sells all her free baby goods! haha

Relationships

Before this IUI, I heard from a few close friends, my mother-in-law, and my sister-in-law on my husband’s side.

I heard NOTHING from my parents.

I reminded my Dad on Thursday that we were going the next day, but they “forgot”?!?!

I got a text from him on Friday afternoon, on our 2 hour drive back from the clinic. It was a photo of my Mom holding my brother’s baby. Thanks Dad! So, I sent him the photo of me on the clinic table with my thumbs up.

He replied with, “Oh you’re not home. Sorry. Go ok today?”

I gave him a brief, “Yeah doctor was positive. Procedure was least painful but I’m cramping now. Counts were good”.

No response. 

I waited all night – all weekend in fact – to see if my Mom would message or call.

Who forgets that their daughter is going through an invasive medical procedure in the hopes of conceiving a child – their grandchild?

I didn’t even call on Mother’s Day (I had sent a gift and a card a week ahead of time, so I didn’t feel so bad).

Last night on my way home, I finally caved and picked up the phone. 20 minutes into the convo with my Mom, I brought it up. I told her I was shocked that out of everyone, my own parents were the ones who didn’t say “Good Luck!”.

She admitted that they had completely forgot (yeahhh they were too busy visiting my bro and his new baby – makes a person feel wonderful). I told her that it only takes 30 seconds to send a text. She apologized, but I’m really not sure it sunk in.

I’m not upset that they were with my bro, I’m just upset that they didn’t take the time to recognize what I was going through. I honestly thought my Mom would say something nice to me on Mother’s Day. Clearly, I was being naive. 

I don’t often feel like I need to lower my expectations with my own family, but I guess times are changing.

My husband did give me a card and two planters for Mother’s Day from the fur-babies. He has been recognizing Mother’s Day ever since we got our first chihuahua, long before we started trying to conceive. I am so grateful that he understands.

The 2ww

It’s 4 dpiui. No symptoms besides gassiness. Yesterday, I was bloated and crampy but it seems to have subsided.

I’m feeling a bit defeated today. My husband suggested we get away for a weekend next month, but I feel like everything is pending the outcome of this 2ww.

I’m staying positive by doing some daily affirmations and avoiding Google as much as possible. 🙂 

My husband insisted that I skip my ball game last night to take it easy, but I am going tomorrow. I’m don’t want to completely put my life on hold.

And it is super hard when people don’t “get it”. One of my team mates told me to “Get well soon!”. hahaha Right. 

Anyway… that’s it for now!

1 DPIUI: progesterone & pineapple

1 DPIUI

Progesterone Day 1. 

Today was fairly uneventful. I woke up feeling better than yesterday, not as bloated and crampy. 

I started my progesterone suppositories – 2 pills vaginally 2x daily. I only have one day to speak for, but so far no complaints. It’s not as gross as everyone says, but this is coming from a persistent cervical mucus checker. I’m used to sticking a finger or two up there to see what’s going on. I decided to leave that alone this cycle. No checking whatsoever. 

I also decided to try a pineapple to help implantation. I picked one up at Costco yesterday when I grabbed my progesterone prescription.

 

Pineapple and progesterone

On With Great Expectation, I read the post, Three days post transfer plus what’s the deal with pineapple?, where she explains how to prepare your pineapple. My hubby cut it up for me as a pre-supper snack.  Yes, my husband is baby-ing me beyond belief. He wouldn’t let me do ANYTHING tonight. The plan is to eat 1 piece everyday for 5 days including the core. Not such a bad deal. Pineapple is yummy!

I’m feeling great. Not stressed. Not worried. No symptom-checking like an insane woman because clearly that’s insane, it’s only 1DPIUI. 

I keep trying to use positive visualizations. Sperm meet Egg. Egg meet Sperm. Now, you will be getting to know each other really well. My uterus is soft, cushy, sticky, perfect for implantation. BFP, BFP, BFP. 

Either way, this month has already resulted in a few positives:

  • We got some good news with hubby’s counts
  • We made it through two cycles of Clomid craziness
  • I gave myself my first shot ever
  • We know what to expect if we have to go to the clinic again for Round 2

To make the 2ww go by faster, I broke down into key milestones or events I’m looking forward to: 

  • Thurs Jan 9 – Acupuncture! 
  • Fri Jan 10 – attending the BE-Loved Body Empowerment True Colours Gala. This intuitive art show and gala supports promoting a positive body image for all women. This is something I can totally relate to. (In)fertility has NOT made me feel sexy. 
  • Sat Jan 11 – The wonderful woman who is repainting my washstand is coming by to drop off the end tables and help me pick a colour! OHHHH exciting! 
  • Thurs Jan 16 – My sister and her boyfriend are coming from Fort McMurray for a visit. 
  • Fri Jan 17 – We are all attending a Neil Young and Dianna Krall concert
  • Sat Jan 18 – SPA day with my sister! Much needed. I’ve been wearing fuzzy socks all the time to keep my feet warm, but my toes are currently missing their standard polish. 
  • Mon Jan 19 – My sister and her man leave 😦 
  • Tues Jan 21 – BLOOD TEST! 

I’ve got lots to look forward to, but I hope can keep my mind busy on the in between days. 🙂 

 

 

Christmas time’s a coming and I know I’ll be hiding out at home!

You got it. That’s my plan. I ain’t seeing anyone for Christmas this year.

We will be 11DPO, 12DPIUI on Christmas Day.

Pregnant or not, I don’t need to explain myself to my husband’s family.

“How did your um, ugh, whatever you went to that doctor for go?” If you don’t know what it is, you don’t deserve to know. Go fuck yourself.

“I wasn’t sure what you needed for Christmas this year so I bought you this [extremely useless] gift” Thank you for your gift. I appreciate that you tried. I most likely will be donating it to the local women’s shelter, so someone in need can actually get some use from it. Next time, I’ll take cash donations to fund our fertility treatments? Or a miracle? How much do miracles cost? bah! whatever… go fuck yourself.

“Why aren’t you drinking?” I choose not to drink so that my filter stays in place. Otherwise, I’d tell all of you what I really think about how insensitive and careless you are. Fa, la, la, la, la… go fuck yourself.

This year, I’m putting myself first. I’m not being a Grinch. Alright, I kinda am. Whatever. 

Instead, I plan on calling my parents, my sister, my brother and my best friend to tell them Merry Christmas and that I love them.

I plan on cuddling up on the couch by the fireplace with my husband and my fur-babies watching my favourite movies: White Christmas, The Sound of Music and Dirty Dancing.

I plan on eating whatever we feel like – I might even order a pizza! Are there pizza places open on Christmas day?

But most of all, I plan on reflecting on this past year and everything we are grateful for: our health, our jobs, our fur-babies, our home, each other, and especially all of the friends and family who have offered us support on our fertility journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

If any of you are having a hard time this holiday season, you should read 999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility: Preparing for the Christmas Hellidays. It made me chuckle.

I hope that instead of hanging a bunch of BFNs from our tree, maybe – just maybe –  we will be able to see a BIG SHINY BFP!

Sending love and light to anyone else on their fertility journey this holiday season. Xoxo.

Side note: To follow-up on  Dildo cams, growing eggs and frozen pre-seed – oh my! – YES, the pre-seed came frozen. Rock. Solid. Frozen. The company says it will be fine. I told them to avoid these issues in our frigid Canadian winters, they should consider adding heat packs to their packages or require a signature for delivery. Then, I took a deep breath so I didn’t get all (in)fertile crazy on them. 😀

Hello Period?!? You can arrive any time now

I’ve decided that the 2 week wait is (in)fertile purgatory.

5 days ago, I did the Progesterone blood work. My specialist called personally to tell me the results were good; although, she wouldn’t give me an exact figure besides above 4. This means I ovulated on my own. As for timing, we nailed it or he nailed me? However you want to put it.

I’m 12 DPO. Had some very slight cramps on the weekend that were more like sharp twinges. My discharge is slightly tinged if I check but nothing I can even call spotting yet. Not much of anything in terms of symptoms except I was tired yesterday. I can’t play the symptom game though. I’ve done that to myself way too many months. Each time it is always a huge mind fuck when my period finally arrives.

I got a BFN on 8DPO and 11 DPO. I didn’t bother testing today as I’m trying to wait 2-3 days in between.

My wonderful period app (that literally is an encyclopaedia of my menstrual cycles for the past 2 years) is kindly telling me that I’m 1 day late. But really, I know it’s wrong. It predicts my cycles on an average, but I ovulated a few days later this month. Can’t say my period is officially late until Thursday. It’s only Monday.

My gut tells me Aunt Flo is on her way. And for once, I’m actually ok with that. Lindsey – That means no tears when you see the red. Can you handle that? 

I just want to call the clinic and tell them it’s here! I want to get our first IUI cycle started and move (hopefully) one step closer to our baby.

How I stay sane during my 2 week wait

Avoid all things baby

Or at least don’t obsess over all things baby. I may check out an online baby sale, but I try not to let myself buy anything. I guess the cat is out of the bag. I am one of those people who have purchased baby items prior to conceiving.

Keep that mind occupied

I try to fill my schedule with a good mix of social versus me time.

I am a computer nerd, but I retreat from my laptop during the 2 week wait. Anything that will keep me away from Mr. Google is a good thing.

This month, I started watching Game of Thrones from the start of Season 1. I’m normally not a TV junkie, but this show allows me to tune out for an hour or two every night.

I’ve also got a few non-baby-related books lined up to read.

Allow time for relaxation with a dash of pampering

At this stage in the game, a massage, a pedicure, a nice long bath while reading my book – whatever is relaxing – is ideal. Staying relaxed is a win-win situation. I increase the chances of getting a sticky bean while taking my mind off what’s going on inside my body.

Be gentle with myself

The fertility journey is tiring both physically and emotionally. I allow myself the time to rest up when required.

If it’s just one of those days when all I want to do is come home from work, put on my jammies and crawl into bed at 6 pm., then I do it!
Same applies to my social life. I’ll back out on an event if I’m just not feeling up to it.

It hasn’t been easy to recognize my physical, emotional and spiritual needs, but it’s well worth it.

Clear that schedule

The day my period comes is always the hardest day of the month for me. Without a doubt, I will want to spend time alone to process how I feel about another failed attempt and to evaluate our plan for the next month.

And if by chance, I am pregnant, it’s probably a good idea to spend some time alone before I blab it to the entire world. 🙂

I’m currently 6dpo and patiently waiting…