Wow. My emotions have been flying high.
I cried myself to sleep Friday night and had a major meltdown on my husband Saturday morning. It was like hope had been sucked from my me. I kept telling him I should have symptoms by now and that it must not have worked. He kept telling me to relax and give it a few days, but my irrational, emotional mind wouldn’t listen.
When I finally got my shit together, we ran some errands, then went for supper at my husband’s Aunt and Uncle’s house. After supper, we went to a friend’s to play games. Once again, I had a good time, lots of laughs and no alcohol. I can honestly say that I don’t miss drinking.
Getting out of the house yesterday was the best thing I could do for myself. I worked from home on Friday and being alone all day – even if I was distracting myself with work – just gave my mind too many opportunities to ponder our current situation. We also declined an invitation to visit with friends on Friday night and instead, stayed in to watch Netflix. Lesson learned: when I’m feeling highly volatile, I need to surround myself with my support people to regain my balance.
As for symptoms, this is where I’m at:
- Cramping during 1-2dpt (no implantation spotting though)
- Bloatedness that comes and goes; a sense of fullness in my womb
- Slightly sore boobs (an increase since yesterday though)
- My nails are harder. I noticed this during my last pregnancy.
- Chest/back acne – this one is gross! Yesterday morning my chest, back and shoulder broke out in tiny little zits. YUCK! I don’t normally have acne. This is very odd for me.
I keep reminding myself that I can not compare this cycle to last as too many variables are different. I have no fake HCG in my system. Besides Estrace, Prometrium and PIO, my body is doing all the work on it’s own.
I think my breakdown yesterday was most likely hormonal, but also a bit of a protection mechanism. Less connected = less hurt? Well, I know that is a farce. It’s hard no matter what. Last time, I was so connected that I was crushed when we found out our pregnancy was an ectopic. Leading up to our FET, I did lots of visualization exercises, but I haven’t let myself get as connected to these spirit babies. It eases my anxiety to keep myself at arms length right now. I will grow my relationship with these babies when the time feels right.
I’m still staying strong and keeping away from the pee sticks. My goal remains to make it to 8dp5dt – this Wednesday. 3 days to go… Wish me luck. XO