I’m not insensitive, I’m just (in)fertile

Every (in)fertile cringes upon hearing baby announcements, but it always seems harder to deal with when it’s closer to home.

Our experiences include:

  • My husband’s brother and his wife announcing their 1st pregnancy two weeks before our wedding. Yes, I did think she was trying to steal my thunder. She got pregnant within weeks of her own wedding, 3 months prior.
  • The same sister-in-law announcing their 2nd pregnancy 5 months after we start actively trying to conceive. Surprisingly, I handled this one well. Hubby – not so much.
  • My little brother and his wife announcing their 1st pregnancy – after trying for only 1 month – on the same day we receive our appointment date with the fertility specialist. *cue the extra-strength, double-force water works* I should own stock in Kleenex.

Timing is never perfect… except for anyone who hasn’t experienced (in)fertility.

Last night, my brother emailed me their 20-ish week ultrasound photos. Great! I just got home from picking up my fertility drug prescriptions. Can’t wait to look at your alien baby!

As the photos loaded on my cell phone screen, my mindset changed. With toes, ears and a nose, this baby is beginning to look more human than alien.

My resentment towards my brother and his wife turned into a bubble and drifted away until it finally popped. The feeling was gone.

I am actually looking forward to meeting this little person.

This little soul has no ties. Their intention is pure. Their innocence is real. They deserve my love.

I keep reminding myself that my brother can’t help it. He and his wife are excited for their new baby to arrive and I know I will feel the same way when it’s our turn.

To my brother, his wife and anyone else who will share their pregnancy experiences with us while we undergoing fertility treatments:

Please don’t take it personally if I don’t initially react the way you expect or if I take an extra day to respond. I will share in your joy. I just need to process my ego, so that my true love and light can find their way to the surface. 

Thank you for understanding – even if you truly don’t.

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Question, question, question

After an utterly confusing day yesterday, I called the fertility clinic this morning and left a message for the doctor to call me. 

She returned my call a few minutes later and apologized. She realized the mistake and had a note on my file to call me today. 

After work, I am going to the pharmacy to pick up my Clomid and HCG trigger shot. I start Clomid tomorrow on CD3. 

My advice for others: DON’T BE ASHAMED TO ASK QUESTIONS!

If something doesn’t feel right or you need more information, pester them until you get it. I find, in most offices, only one receptionist knows what the hell is going on. Try to talk to them or ask to leave a message for the doctor directly. 

It’s your body. It’s your babies. It’s your future.

We all know this is a numbers and a timing game.

Ask those questions until you feel comfortable with the answer! 

CD1: now what’s the plan?

Well, my period arrived as expected – right about 5 p.m. yesterday afternoon.

Today is CD1. First cycle of IUI with meds.

I am scheduled for my first follicle monitoring appointment on December 6th or CD10. Isn’t this late to be starting Clomid? 

I am so fucking confused right now.

Mr. Google tells me one thing. I know my body does another (and clearly the doctor too). 

I called the Doctor’s office back for clarification, but the receptionist told me she wasn’t really sure and I should just come in for my appointment and wait for the IUI clinic to call.

How am I supposed to figure out my schedule for the next month?

When will I be done my meds?

When will I take my trigger shot?

When I can expect to have to drive the 2+ hours to the IUI clinic because my lovely city doesn’t offer the procedure?

Oh yeah, I forgot. (In)fertility treatments mean you have no schedule! You can’t plan beyond the next week.

Time to let go of my need to plan. Grrreeat. You think I would have realized this sooner.

I tend to ovulate naturally around CD 19-20. The doc said this will be a medicated cycle with low dose of Clomid and a trigger shot, but does it make sense to start Clomid on CD 10?

Can any one out there help me? If not, I guess I’ll be waiting until my appointment.

I have a reiki session this afternoon that I am SO LOOKING FORWARD TO. I need some grounding right now.

Calm that brain down, Lindsey. Relax. A week wait isn’t that long. Throw that need to plan out the window. 

You can do this. 

Why does Aunt Flo have to be such a sneaky bitch?

Aunt Flo and I have a love-hate relationship.

I hate it when she arrives. And she loves to taunt me by acting like she’s about to come… and then she goes away… but then she’s back!

When I came off the pill 2 years ago, my cycles were completely out of whack. Many naturopath and acupuncture appointments later, my cycles are the best they have ever been. I still experience a few days of brown spotting before my period, but it always moves into a nice red flow.

This cycle, it doesn’t seem to matter how much I pray for help. My period is stagnant.

Please Aunt Flo! Just arrive now! I feel the cramps. I’m exhausted. Yes, I also noticed those beautiful zits that so graciously popped up on my face! I’m ready for you and I’m not even upset this time.

Hello? Are you there Aunt Flo?

Ok then, Guardian Angels? 

God?

Anyone?

Just please make my period start! 

This morning, I went to the bathroom, did my business and wiped to find red. Sweet! Period has arrived.

Return to bathroom a few hours later to find… nothing?

This isn’t new. It’s been happening on and off during my fertility journey. Thank you Aunt Flo for tormenting me. It’s not like in(fertility) is challenging enough or anything!!!

I was originally worried that I had an inadequate luteal phase (still to be determined). Since it’s 13 DPO and my flow hasn’t started yet, I’m probably wrong.

Aunt Flo’s right around the corner. I just don’t get why we have to play this game of hide and seek.

Hello Period?!? You can arrive any time now

I’ve decided that the 2 week wait is (in)fertile purgatory.

5 days ago, I did the Progesterone blood work. My specialist called personally to tell me the results were good; although, she wouldn’t give me an exact figure besides above 4. This means I ovulated on my own. As for timing, we nailed it or he nailed me? However you want to put it.

I’m 12 DPO. Had some very slight cramps on the weekend that were more like sharp twinges. My discharge is slightly tinged if I check but nothing I can even call spotting yet. Not much of anything in terms of symptoms except I was tired yesterday. I can’t play the symptom game though. I’ve done that to myself way too many months. Each time it is always a huge mind fuck when my period finally arrives.

I got a BFN on 8DPO and 11 DPO. I didn’t bother testing today as I’m trying to wait 2-3 days in between.

My wonderful period app (that literally is an encyclopaedia of my menstrual cycles for the past 2 years) is kindly telling me that I’m 1 day late. But really, I know it’s wrong. It predicts my cycles on an average, but I ovulated a few days later this month. Can’t say my period is officially late until Thursday. It’s only Monday.

My gut tells me Aunt Flo is on her way. And for once, I’m actually ok with that. Lindsey – That means no tears when you see the red. Can you handle that? 

I just want to call the clinic and tell them it’s here! I want to get our first IUI cycle started and move (hopefully) one step closer to our baby.

A lesson learned: (in)fertility makes me stronger than you think

I have been contemplating whether or not to write this post. But I’ve decided fuck it – it’s my truth!

Someone very close to us made a rude, disrespectful, hurtful comment about my husband and I.

This person is my father-in-law.

And his comment was, “At least I know one of my sons can figure out how to get it right and have children when he wants to”.

Shocking? To most other people – yes. To me – hell no.

I’ve witnessed countless times and times again where my father-in-law has placed his youngest son on a pedestal above his oldest son – my husband.

It hurts to know that my father-in-law will never be there to support us. But, it hurts even more for me to hear that my husband’s father thinks that way about him.

Ignorance.

There’s no other word to describe it.

So, I did what any other (in)sane (in)fertile would. I drove over to his house and spoke my truth.

I told him what I had heard.

The only response he had was, “Who said it? Who told you?” Sorry father-in-law, but the bearer of your secrets has more respect for my husband and I than you ever will.

He got aggressive.

I looked him in the eyes and said, “If you ever speak even one more word about our ability to have children, I will RIP YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF!” He wants to emasculate my husband. I’ll emasculate him.

I turned to leave and thanked him for proving to me that he is nothing more than the drunk asshole that everyone else says he is.

This Momma bear protects her family. Be prepared for when my cubs arrive, because I will protect them even more than I protect my husband now.

My husband is kind and caring. I am so grateful that he does not take after his father.

As for my father-in-law – all that I can hope for this man is that one day he wakes up from his life of self-hatred and misery; and turns towards happiness and love.

How I stay sane during my 2 week wait

Avoid all things baby

Or at least don’t obsess over all things baby. I may check out an online baby sale, but I try not to let myself buy anything. I guess the cat is out of the bag. I am one of those people who have purchased baby items prior to conceiving.

Keep that mind occupied

I try to fill my schedule with a good mix of social versus me time.

I am a computer nerd, but I retreat from my laptop during the 2 week wait. Anything that will keep me away from Mr. Google is a good thing.

This month, I started watching Game of Thrones from the start of Season 1. I’m normally not a TV junkie, but this show allows me to tune out for an hour or two every night.

I’ve also got a few non-baby-related books lined up to read.

Allow time for relaxation with a dash of pampering

At this stage in the game, a massage, a pedicure, a nice long bath while reading my book – whatever is relaxing – is ideal. Staying relaxed is a win-win situation. I increase the chances of getting a sticky bean while taking my mind off what’s going on inside my body.

Be gentle with myself

The fertility journey is tiring both physically and emotionally. I allow myself the time to rest up when required.

If it’s just one of those days when all I want to do is come home from work, put on my jammies and crawl into bed at 6 pm., then I do it!
Same applies to my social life. I’ll back out on an event if I’m just not feeling up to it.

It hasn’t been easy to recognize my physical, emotional and spiritual needs, but it’s well worth it.

Clear that schedule

The day my period comes is always the hardest day of the month for me. Without a doubt, I will want to spend time alone to process how I feel about another failed attempt and to evaluate our plan for the next month.

And if by chance, I am pregnant, it’s probably a good idea to spend some time alone before I blab it to the entire world. 🙂

I’m currently 6dpo and patiently waiting…