Beta #5: facing the inevitable

Today’s beta was 323.

This week we went from 193 to 291 to 323.

Not good. No doubling there. 

My nurse said ideally 1 of 2 scenarios will occur:

  1. My body’s HCG will naturally start to decrease bringing with it a natural miscarriage
  2. My betas will continue to slowly rise indicating an Ectopic pregnancy

She also said I could stop my meds today or stay on them until Monday when I do my next blood draw.

Initially, I was against this concept. Why would I stop by meds if I’m not 100% positive that my baby is gone? My levels haven’t dropped. They are increasing!

I went to Mr. Google looking for that last sliver of hope. I typed in “Misdiagnosed miscarriages”, then “low and slow rising beta successful pregnancy“.

Each scenario had one common denominator: the betas may not have doubled, but they consistently rose and the increase tended to get greater in size between betas – unlike my decrease. 

Lindsey – it’s time to be realistic here. 

I might stop by meds tonight. My ass could use the break. My husband thinks I should stay on them until Monday.

Emotionally, I’m doing alright. I grieved quite a bit last week when we got our initial beta counts. I was positive they were too low to be viable, but somewhere along the line the universe decided to give me hope.

Misguided? Misdirected? Or just plain beautiful?

How is hope ever a bad thing?

Well…

In this case, it prolongs the inevitable.

And it’s time to face it.

My baby is not going to survive.

*cue the water works* 

If you had asked me this morning, I would have told you I would have done anything and everything to prolong this pregnancy until I could go for an ultrasound. I needed that ultimate proof.

But now, I don’t want it to continue any longer than it has to if my baby isn’t going to be healthy and safe in my arms at the end of it. It’s weird to know my baby is inside me now, but that she won’t be for much longer.

What do you do when faced with a miscarriage diagnosis?

I can hardly believe I have to ask that question.

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Beta Day #2: realistic instead of optimistic

I won’t deny it. My hope is dwindling.

Since my Beta of 47 on 12dp5dt, I’ve pretty much lost all symptoms. I had huge swollen, sore boobs. I couldn’t lie comfortably due to the tug in my lower abdomen. I had to pee every hour. I was EXHAUSTED.

There is a slight tug, ever so slight, but the rest is gone. Last night, I even slept through the night without having to pee.

The only thing that throws me off was I experienced some brown spotting yesterday afternoon. It was gone by the evening,  but I hoped so much that my bean was just snuggling in.

Being the crazy POAS addict that I am, I peed on a FRER about an hour ago (yes folks, that was 3am SK time) . It had lightened up to the equivalent of what I saw at 9dp5dt.

That is not a good sign.

I’m going into this beta expecting it to drop. I feel like I’ve lost my little bean. I know I felt pregnant three days ago and now,  I don’t.

I’ve got 2 hours until I need to get up and battle the old people for a spot in line at the blood lab. I better get some sleep. 😦

Me + hormones = disaster

CD 13. 

This week has been a variety of ups and downs. 

Tuesday:

I had a CRAZY SORE OVARIES. I ended up leaving work early, contacting my Reiki Master and having her send me some distant energy healing. I fell asleep giving myself some reiki (yes, I’m a Level 1 Practitioner – soon-to-be Level 2). When I woke up, I was feeling WAY WAY WAY better. My pain had dropped from an 8-9 to a 0-1. 

Wednesday:

I had an uber productive morning at work. I’ve been feeling a bit uninspired lately, but it was good to get the creative strategy juices flowing again.

In the afternoon, I had an acupuncture appointment. She found some blocks and was able to loosen them with some persistence (yes, a few needles kept falling out) and some moxa. 

I also did my HCG trigger shot at midnight. It’s a good thing my husband set his alarm as a reminder because we both fell asleep around 11PM, only to be woken up by the lovely BEEP BEEP at 11:30pm. 

I actually feel like the trigger shot is easy peasy now. I get more worked up about mixing it right than I do about shooting myself up. 

Thursday:

Today was an emotional nightmare. We planned on BD-ing last night, but that didn’t happen as we both were exhausted. The change of plan was to fit in a romp between the sheets this morning. 

I know that sounds close to IUI time, but I thought we could try it closer and see if that affects my husband’s counts and/or BFP success. 

Well… that didn’t happen.

Because my husband stressed himself out and “couldn’t perform”.

He kept getting calls from work, then he was worried about whether I was feeling sore still or not, plus he was supposed to be at the farm today getting ready for seeding. One thing lead to another, we didn’t have sex and my emotional breakdown began. 

I took the day off work (like I needed to do that right before a day off for IUI! Grrrr). I spent my time between crying on my bed and relaxing in the bathtub. I wasn’t THIS emotional earlier in the week. WTF is wrong with me today? 

I hope this isn’t a sign of what the pregnancy hormone will do to me WHEN my time comes. 

I calmed down late this afternoon and managed to get some work done from home. 

Tomorrow is IUI #3. 

I am praying that this is our miracle month… otherwise, I’m saying sayonara to Clomid and asking to be put on something else. 

Oh the life of an (in)fertile! 

So, what do you do? Do you have sex before and after IUI? Have you noticed if it affects his counts? Fill me in ladies!

The uneventful 2ww

CD 17. 5dpiui.

On Friday, I was excited about how well I was handling this 2ww… then I realized it was only 2dpiui. Oh fuck… Another 12 days to go.

This cycle I have less side effects from the HCG trigger and the progesterone, so far.

Except this weekend I was absolutely EXHAUSTED! I am not a nap person,  but this weekend I slept for 2.5-3 hours each afternoon on top of a good 10+ hours of sleep each night.

I just went with the flow and honored what my body was asking of me. I’ve got a 6:20am flight to Winnipeg tomorrow,  so I took advantage of the sleep while I could. Tomorrow is going to be a loooong day

So, that’s my uneventful 2ww so far.  9 days til Beta…

It’s trigger time: game on baby!

CD11. Trigger Day. 

Today, I had my first follicle monitoring ultrasound of this cycle. Back to the OB/GYN since she’s not on vacation anymore. 

And the results are AH-MA-Zing! My left side is dominant this month with a 20 and a 15. My right has a 12 and two 11’s. 

A 20?!?!?! I’ve never seen one that big on an ultrasound yet.

It’s funny how us (in)fertiles are amazed at the biggest little things. 

This month, I got an extra dose of Clomid crazy. My husband is ready to throw the fertility drugs out the window. I have been extremely irritable, emotional, and just downright bitchy. My ovaries are also swollen and sore, almost comparable but not quite as bad as the December cycle. 

I knew there must be a pay off! And it turns out a nice juicy follicle is it! Are follicles juicy? How would you describe them? Lush? Round? bah! whatever. 

I do my HCG trigger shot at midnight tonight. Whoohoo! And for once, I mean WHOHOO! Trigger shots are not comparable to liquor shots, but I’m still excited. Let’s get this show on the road.  

IUI #2 is scheduled for Wednesday. Him at 11am, me at 12:30pm. 

I’m hoping for a easy rest of the week. Work is crazy busy right now, but I’m trying my best to let it go and focus on maintaining a consistent level of sanity. That means: please be nice to me HCG. I know we’ve only met once but why can’t this be a win-win relationship? 

I feel better today, but that’s probably because we have a game plan. 

IUI #2 – here we come! 

 

 

 

 

2ww update: positive visualization vs. realistic pessimism

CD22. 8dpIUI. 6 days til beta. 

I sorta tested out my HCG trigger.The sensitive internet cheapie showed just the faintest line yesterday at 9 days post trigger.

I’m contributing my feeling better to the lack of HCG in my body. It really dragged me down last weekend. I was exhausted, depressed and alternating between the chills and extreme hot flashes. I’m experiencing the typical progesterone side effects,  plus this afternoon I noticed some light pink discharge. It didn’t appear until I was doing an internal CM check, but it was enough that it showed up a bit on my panty liner after I got home from work.

Could this be implantation? 8dpIUI would make sense… or is my cervix just irritated from the progesterone pills I’ve been popping up there 2x day? Or maybe it was my finger? Why can’t anything be straightforward when taking fertility drugs? 

I’ve also been visualizing implantation. Each time I feel a twinge, I speak to my uterus and the fertilized egg. 

Uterus: you are soft, lush, warm and welcoming.

Egg: welcome home! Momma is sooooooo ready for you. Bury in deep and get comfortable. You are in for the long run. 

Visualization is just a mind fuck as I keep telling myself and my family that I’m NOT pregnant. I feel like having low expectations may lessen the blow if we get another BFN or it could make the BFP even that much more special. I appreciate that my parents care, but I hate when people ask me how things are going as my cycle draws to an end.  My mom always tries to be encouraging right up until my flow starts. At that point, I can tell the game is over.  BFN after BFN, it becomes highly unlikely that my uterus will magically stop contracting and implant an invisible egg.

I guess time will tell which method is more effective: positive visualization vs. realistic pessimism. Maybe next month, I should try just ONE at a time and not both? 

As of now, I’ve decide to ignore all symptoms and POAS on Sunday, 12dpIUI. I can’t bear going into the beta on Tuesday not having an feeling either way. Knowing me, I’ll probably POAS on Monday again.

I have a few sensitive cheapies left and I stocked up on the Costco pack of Clearblues. I’ve read that Clearblue has a higher evap rate, but the Costco pack is half the price of a 2 pack of FRER. I’ll take my chances. 

Good luck to all you other ladies starting your cycles, entering your 2ww or getting ready to test. Last month, lots of women seemed to be successful. It’s bound to happen for at least one of us this month. 

Baby dust! Xo. 

1 DPIUI: progesterone & pineapple

1 DPIUI

Progesterone Day 1. 

Today was fairly uneventful. I woke up feeling better than yesterday, not as bloated and crampy. 

I started my progesterone suppositories – 2 pills vaginally 2x daily. I only have one day to speak for, but so far no complaints. It’s not as gross as everyone says, but this is coming from a persistent cervical mucus checker. I’m used to sticking a finger or two up there to see what’s going on. I decided to leave that alone this cycle. No checking whatsoever. 

I also decided to try a pineapple to help implantation. I picked one up at Costco yesterday when I grabbed my progesterone prescription.

 

Pineapple and progesterone

On With Great Expectation, I read the post, Three days post transfer plus what’s the deal with pineapple?, where she explains how to prepare your pineapple. My hubby cut it up for me as a pre-supper snack.  Yes, my husband is baby-ing me beyond belief. He wouldn’t let me do ANYTHING tonight. The plan is to eat 1 piece everyday for 5 days including the core. Not such a bad deal. Pineapple is yummy!

I’m feeling great. Not stressed. Not worried. No symptom-checking like an insane woman because clearly that’s insane, it’s only 1DPIUI. 

I keep trying to use positive visualizations. Sperm meet Egg. Egg meet Sperm. Now, you will be getting to know each other really well. My uterus is soft, cushy, sticky, perfect for implantation. BFP, BFP, BFP. 

Either way, this month has already resulted in a few positives:

  • We got some good news with hubby’s counts
  • We made it through two cycles of Clomid craziness
  • I gave myself my first shot ever
  • We know what to expect if we have to go to the clinic again for Round 2

To make the 2ww go by faster, I broke down into key milestones or events I’m looking forward to: 

  • Thurs Jan 9 – Acupuncture! 
  • Fri Jan 10 – attending the BE-Loved Body Empowerment True Colours Gala. This intuitive art show and gala supports promoting a positive body image for all women. This is something I can totally relate to. (In)fertility has NOT made me feel sexy. 
  • Sat Jan 11 – The wonderful woman who is repainting my washstand is coming by to drop off the end tables and help me pick a colour! OHHHH exciting! 
  • Thurs Jan 16 – My sister and her boyfriend are coming from Fort McMurray for a visit. 
  • Fri Jan 17 – We are all attending a Neil Young and Dianna Krall concert
  • Sat Jan 18 – SPA day with my sister! Much needed. I’ve been wearing fuzzy socks all the time to keep my feet warm, but my toes are currently missing their standard polish. 
  • Mon Jan 19 – My sister and her man leave 😦 
  • Tues Jan 21 – BLOOD TEST! 

I’ve got lots to look forward to, but I hope can keep my mind busy on the in between days. 🙂