Combatting nausea and realizing fears

I finally got my Zofran refilled by my GP. Seeing her was a bit ironic as my OB is her Dad! She was super excited for us though. She gave me a 1 year refill (knowing I won’t need that much) and also one for Ranitidine (Zantac) to curb my heartburn. If you have the prescription, you can get it covered by your benefits instead of buying it over the counter.

So far, I’m feeling much better. I tried to skip my night time dose last night, but that proved to be a wrong decision. Things seem to work well if I take 1 pill at night and 1 pill at noon. I’ve realized that I need to stop being so stubborn and take the damn meds. I need some quality of life during this pregnancy. Self-care is important and in this case, taking the meds is caring for myself. This whole medicated versus natural debate keeps coming up in my life though.

In two weeks, my husband and I are starting hypnobirthing classes. I’ve always desired to have a natural birth. Although, I am open to an alternate birth plan if complications arise.

Last night, I had a bath and began to read the Hypnobirthing manual. A few chapters in, I realized that I have SO MUCH FEAR around medical intervention during birth. I have heard many stories lately about full episiotomies, vaccums, foreceps, etc. It almost seems more traumatizing when they intervene while a mother is trying to have a vaginal birth versus simply wheeling you in for a c-section.

I find this fear to be ironic as clearly medical intervention has been a good thing for us. Without it, we would not have conceived our children. As a mother who has experienced pregnancy loss, medical intervention also eases my worries. Every ultrasound and OB appointment gives me validation that my baby is ok.

Still, I long for some control on this journey. I desire one thing to go as I planned… Perhaps that’s the issue? Do I need to let go of ALL need to control?

Either way, I don’t have the answer. I hope to work through it and get to the root cause as we prepare for baby’s arrival.

I’m officially 16 weeks today. 🙂 ❤

15 week bumpdate

How Far Along: 15 weeks and 5 days

Meds: All taken daily – gummy multi-vitamins, Gaviscon or Tums as required for heartburn.

Still pending Zofran refill. 😦 I took 2 Diclectin and slept amazing last night. Woke up to the usual Diclectin zombie mind fog. I puked twice this morning. Tried to call OB, but couldn’t get through. So, I booked myself into my GP this evening.

Baby is the size of: a pear or an apple

Best Moment This Week: Having a regular poop after missing 2 days of Zofran. It’s the simple things in life that bring me the most pleasure. 🙂

Total Weight Gain: +6 lbs – did not weigh in this week. I noticed last week that I hadn’t gained anything in a few weeks – most likely due to the puking.

Maternity Clothes: I lived in maternity comfy pants all weekend. Love those Urkel-style sweats. They go up high, but they are amazing! When I wear them, I’m happy as Steve in this photo – except my pants aren’t floods and my shirt is pulled over the high waist. I’m actually wearing them in the blue blump photo below. steveurkel Symptoms:  NAUSEA! Puking. Heartburn. Newest symptom: sore lower back and hips – especially my right hip. I had my first prenatal chiro appointment last week. I plan on going 1x month until baby arrives for both chiro and massage. I’m thankful fthat my benefits cover both!

Sleep: Same ol’, same ol’. Tossing and turning due to heartburn. Still getting up to pee in the night. I’ve tossed my Snoogle aside for a regular body pillow (on one side) and just a pillow between my legs (on the other). The Snoogle and my neck didn’t get along. I prefer a softer pillow. We might get reacquainted once my belly needs more support.

Food Cravings: Blueberries, mini wheats, ice cold water, anything cold, anything plain – this was not a week for flavour!

Anything making you queasy or sick:  Brushing my teeth, driving, bending over or getting up too fast, sometimes even just looking at food, ugh!

Movement: I could be wrong, but I feel like I can tell when baby is moving. It’s almost like my uterus gets a bit tighter and feels like butterflies going on. Nothing major yet except this feeling.

Stretch Marks: Nothing new.

Baby Bump: “THE BLUMP” is getting bigger. I can really start to notice it rounding out. image Gender Prediction: BOY!

Labour Signs: Too early.

Belly Button In or Out?: Innie to start!

Wedding Rings on or off?: On.

Happy or Moody?: Moody. The return of pukefest makes me an unhappy camper.

Purchases for baby: The Halo Bassinet 

Miss Anything?: Being able to enjoy normal activities. The nausea really puts a damper on my day. I hope I can get over it and go for a few leisurely bike rides before the blump gets too big!

Looking forward to: Our anatomy/gender scan on May 28, decorating the nursery and buying baby items.

The pukefest continues…

Remember how I said I was feeling better? That didn’t last long.

Thursday, I had a bad day. Didn’t puke a lot but felt nauseous all day. I ran out of my Zofran prescription on Friday and lasted all day Saturday before major puking episodes started again. Saturday, I only puked once. Yesterday afternoon, I couldn’t keep anything down after lunch. Today, I ended up calling in sick as I puked probably 10X before noon.

I called my favourite receptionist TWICE today. She said that she had left a note on the OB’s desk last week, but that he was really behind on them. She said she would mark it as URGENT and move it to the top of the pile. I called back end of day and she said there was nothing she could do until she spoke to him after the day’s appointments were done. Clearly, this woman has NEVER been prego sick and is STILL working on that office assertiveness that she is lacking. I got a bit short with her today. I told her I would have came in for an appointment last week, but she told me this could be handled over the phone. Then I said, if I don’t get my prescription filled today, I’ll be calling for an appointment tomorrow and most likely a doctor’s note for missing more time off work.  😦

The fantastic news is: since I’ve stopped Zofran, I’ve had regular poops!!!! That being said, I’ll take marbles out of my ass if it means my head isn’t hung over the toilet all day long. 🙂

I have some Diclectin left. I may pop a few tomorrow, but I really didn’t enjoy the zombie fog that comes along with it.

On Saturday, I was feeling optimistic that I could make it without any anti-nausea medicine. After today, I know I need to do what I need to do to get my work done. We are in the planning phases of a big project at work and I can’t take much time off right now (plus I’m most likely travelling again next week).

I get so frustrated when I get sick, but I keep telling myself life must want me to slow down for the sake of this baby. :/ I’m trying here… but a break that lasts longer than 24 hours would be really nice.

Are things actually looking up?

I’ve lowered my Zofran dose to 1 pill/day. I’m running out of my prescription, so I lowered the dose to ensure I could make it a few more days. I did call my OB’s office for a refill, but we all know how reliable his receptionist can be without persistent nagging… :/

Anyway, I HAVEN’T PUKED SINCE SUNDAY! I’ve dry heaved a few times in the morning. I’ve also had some on and off nausea throughout the day. But, this new-found non-puking stage is awesome! Maybe I just needed my rant on Monday to let it all out and transition into the feeling better version of me?  I’m honestly hoping last week was the worst of the worst and that things are looking up from here. After 7+ weeks of nausea and puking, I’m ready for it to be over!

Also, I found a barely used Halo Bassinet on kijiji for HALF PRICE! I thought this bassinet seemed silly and overpriced until I seen my nephew in it. It adjusts to the height of your bed, swivels for easy access to bed, has see-through mesh to see the baby, etc. The model we got has all the electronic features (which I don’t know how often I will use) and retails brand new in Canada for approximately $300. She also included the fitted mattress sheet which is sold separately. We did splurge a bit more than I had anticipated to get this bassinet, but I just couldn’t pass up the deal!

halo-bassinest-21

I’ve been nervous about early sleeping arrangements as our fur-rascals all sleep with us. The last thing I need is battling 2 chihuahuas and a Ragdoll to get out of the bed when I have a newborn. I’ve just decided it may be easier to let them sleep with us. I wanted something to secure baby, but also keep him within arms reach. We don’t have a lot of width to our bedroom. Moving a pack ‘n play or crib into our room would not work. We tried the bassinet out and it fits perfectly on my side of the bed.

So there you have it:

  1. I’m feeling better
  2. Baby has somewhere to sleep

I call that success!

I am never alone

I’ve always been a big believer in promoting awareness for infertility and pregnancy loss. From Day 1, I’ve been open about our journey with family, friends and even on social media.

I’ve had people say things to me like, “I think you make people feel awkward when you post about infertility. Maybe you just shouldn’t say anything?” to “You are too sensitive” in response to me being upset about inappropriate comments after the loss of our baby

In the past week, I’ve had 3 different people – 1 distant friend, 1 local friend and 1 co-worker – open up to me about their struggles with infertility. Had I not been open about our journey, who would these people have turned to?

I’ve been struggling lately accepting positivity from people who were not necessarily supportive over the past year or so. As much as it’s nice that people “hope I don’t feel sick for long” and “are so excited that we are expecting“, I shut down when they say these things to me. I’m still overcoming my fears and protecting my heart. As much as I should accept positivity from others, I have some pent up anger and frustration around how much “they don’t get it”.

Last night, I realized that I have been feeling alone lately. I’ve been silently battling pregnancy sickness, pregnancy after loss and some PTSD following years of infertility struggles. I keep telling myself that my excitement about this pregnancy will grow stronger as my belly grows and my baby begins to move.

Pregnancy and work demands have taken away my drive to write, but it’s through writing and reaching out to this online community that I realize: I am never alone.  There is always someone who has been down this path before me, who understands exactly how I’m feeling – whether that be emotionally or physically.

Whenever I am worried, confused, needing advice or even just a kind ear to listen, I can always reach out to my infertility and pregnancy loss friends. For without sharing my story, I would have never met such amazing people who are always willing to be there for you.

This was a HUGE realization for me. Sometimes we need to stop fighting the urge to make our friends and family support us, and simply turn to those who do it with such ease. ❤

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14 week bumpdate

How Far Along: 14 weeks and 5 days

Meds: All taken daily – Zofran (3 pills daily). Switched to gummy multi-vitamins. Will resume regular pre-natal vitamins once stomach can handle them again. Switch from 2 Ducolax tablets to Restorolax (aka Miralax in the US) to aid with the constipation. Also, taking Gaviscon or Tums as required for heartburn. Will try the baking soda + water remedy tonight. Thanks for the suggestions ladies! Will let you know how it all works.

Baby is the size of: a peach

Best Moment This Week: Not necessarily the best, but certainly the most classic: peeing myself while puking

Total Weight Gain: +6 lbs – have not gained in a week or two.

Maternity Clothes: My biggest challenge has been finding semi-dressy clothes to wear on business trips. My head office is fairly casual, but our other office is dressier. I currently do not fit into any of my dress clothes. Yesterday, I purchased a new maternity dress and skirt from Old Navy. Our selection in Canada is VERY LIMITED compared to the USA.

Symptoms:  NAUSEA! Puking. Heartburn. BOOHOO!

Sleep: Tossing and turning due to heartburn. Still getting up to pee in the night.

Food Cravings: Apples, blueberries, cheesy breadsticks, ice water, cheesecake

Anything making you queasy or sick:  Brushing my teeth, driving, flying, bending over or getting up too fast, the smell of urine in public bathrooms,

Movement: Too early.

Stretch Marks: Nothing new.

Baby Bump: “THE BLUMP” is getting bigger.

Gender Prediction: BOY!

Labour Signs: Too early.

Belly Button In or Out?: Innie to start!

Wedding Rings on or off?: On.

Happy or Moody?: Combo of both. Moody on super pukey days. Happy on good days.

Purchases for baby: A santa hat from Old Navy – on clearance for 97 cents. Bargain shopper! 

Miss Anything?: Enjoying a meal, cuddling with my husband, not feeling constantly bloated, having a good poop, sleeping through the night… basically everything pre-pregnancy. 😀

Looking forward to: Same as last week – whenever this dreaded nausea subsides! Our anatomy/gender scan on May 28. Feeling baby move.

Random update: We haven’t officially gotten our nuchal translucency (NT) scan results back yet. I called my OB office today to get a refill of Zofran. She said my results were in, but since my next appointment isn’t for a few weeks, he would have called if anything of concern came up. Hopefully that means all is well. 🙂

You Are Not Alone, Please Speak Your Way Out of the Darkness

A beautiful post by Justine which highlights that by using your voice and telling your story, you will never be alone. ❤

Ever Upward™

To feel alone when surrounded by many is quite possibly the worst kind of lonely.

There are millions of us who struggle to make our families. The statistics are enough to take our breath away:

  • 1 in 8 couples will struggle to conceive.
  • 1 in 4 pregnancies will end in loss.
  • 1 in 160 babies will be born still.

We are never alone in this journey, the numbers simply prove otherwise.

And, yet most of us fight all by ourselves, with our voices silenced and shame stealing our light.

This can be the darkness of infertility.

I entered into the infertility world never trying to get pregnant myself due to medical issues of my own. I entered into the infertility world as a mental health therapist who was already pretty open about my own struggles in life. And it is with these two differences, that I entered the infertility world as…

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The truth about being sick during pregnancy

I know every infertile who has yet to conceive HATES those who have crossed over to become annoying, complaining pregos.

Well, the truth is: I am one of them.

I am feeling broken down. I worked so hard for years while trying to conceive to eat healthy, get my insides working properly and balance my system.

Now, I feel like a pile of shit.

No one tells you that during pregnancy:

  • Morning sickness really means all day sickness and often lasts beyond 1st trimester
  • You will pee yourself
  • Pulling poop chunks out of your bum is nothing to be ashamed of
  • Food is your best friend and your worst enemy at the same time
  • Heartburn is uncontrollable
  • You will never sleep through the night again

At 14.5 weeks pregnant, my sickness has yet to subside. A full dose of Zofran does curb the all day nausea, but I still puke. Don’t even get me started on how well I do with flying (which unfortunately I seem to be doing a lot of lately due to my job). I stole a puke bag from my flight on Friday night and hurled my guts out on the drive home from the airport… which also lead to peeing myself. My body lost control with the consistent heaving. Needless to say, I’m glad to have leather seats and my husband deserves an award for wiping up my piss.

I am taking 2 stool softeners daily to combat the constipation from Zofran, yet I still find myself struggling to push hard marbles out of my ass. I long for the day when it easily slides out again.

My definition of a meal has completely transformed. I used to enjoy food, but now I have to choke down 1 piece of pizza – my former favourite treat. I eat probably 1/4 of what I used to eat per meal. I try to load up on fresh fruits and cold vegetables as much as possible. Fortunately, I’m still craving fruit.

I have immense heartburn that Tums and Gaviscon barely touches (I plan to ask my OB for another remedy). I toss and turn all night long from a mixture of heartburn and the need to pee. I guess this is preparing me for being up with baby, but I haven’t slept through the night since I found out I am pregnant. My shoulders and lower back ache from trying to sleep on my left side – a pregnancy recommendation, but also a good step to combat the heartburn.

I’ve decided to toss the Snoogle aside for a few nights of cuddling. I miss my husband. Having a huge body pillow in between us does not do much for intimacy.

I’m lucky in the sense that I do have glowing skin, but morning nausea means no drive to “get ready”. Curly hair or a pony-tail, no make-up and sweats is my usual style these days when I’m not travelling for work.

I can’t do as much as I used to. Visiting 3 stores yesterday resulted in a puking episode. My husband insisted we had done enough and I come home to rest.

Most days I just want to curl up in a ball and pray that my symptoms subside. I’ve gone from a slightly crunchy all natural person to someone who medicates because, without it, there is no relief. No matter what, I still have a job to do, a house to maintain, and a life to live.

As much as I know “it will all be worth it”, that statement really did not sink in for me until recently. Another IVF friend, who had her baby 1 month ago and was equally as sick as me, stressed the importance of how she would do it all over again in a second. I just need to keep reminding myself that I will forget all about the pains of pregnancy once my baby is in my arms.

Our road to baby has been far from straight and narrow. So, I’m sending it out to the universe that I desire a quick, natural birth. And I damn well think I deserve it.

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Join the #1in6 campaign

The Canadian Infertility Awareness week is May 19-28, 2015. As Canadians, we need to be vocal about our struggles with infertility. Awareness promotes understanding, builds community, and hopefully will help shape the future of fertility funding in Canada.

When we first started trying to conceive, I found it difficult to find Canadian-specific infertility resources. Then, I discovered the Infertility Awareness Association of Canada (IAAC) and reached out to volunteer with them.

I recently had a call with Carolynn Dube, the new Executive Director of IAAC. I’m super excited about the upcoming changes and new initiatives they are rolling out.

To build awareness, IAAC is hosting the #1in6campaign.

IAAC is looking for Canadian’s affected by infertility to share their stories. They will feature 1 story each day in May leading up to the 2015 Canadian Infertility Awareness Week.

If you are interested, submit your write-up along with 1-2 high resolution photos to info@iaac.com. Submissions are being accepted from April 3 to April 30.

If you aren’t interested in submitting your story, help build awareness by using the hastags #1in6 and #IVFCanada on your social media channels.

Together, we are not alone.

Together, we can give a voice and a face to infertility.

Together, we can build a positive future for those facing infertility in Canada. ❤

1in6logo

13 week bumpdate

How Far Along: 13 weeks and 5 days

Meds: All taken daily – Prenatal, Omega + DHA, Vitamin D 2000mg, Vitamin B12, Probiotic, Zofran (3 pills daily)

Honestly, I can barely get my prenatals down these days. They are making me nauseous but it isn’t so bad if I take them with food. I had to increase my Zofran from 1 pill a day to 2 pills a day to the max 3 pills a day. 😦

Baby is the size of: a kiwi

Best Moment This Week: Meeting my 7 week old nephew, smelling that newborn smell and knowing that I get “one of my own” in 6 months.

Total Weight Gain: +5 lbs – did not weight myself this week.

Maternity Clothes: Maxi skirts, leggings and sweat pants are my best friends. I have ANOTHER business trip this week. Will be a challenge to find semi-dressy outfits that I can fit into from my own closet (my goal is to NOT buy a bunch of maternity clothes I won’t wear on a regular basis).

Symptoms:  NAUSEA! Ughhhhhhhhh. Flying did me in. On Friday, I puked on my one layover and then again once I arrived at my sister’s house. I’ve also realized that I can’t handle the smell of meat cooking or coffee (cue major puking episode). I don’t puke excessively, but I do puke at least 1-2 times a day. I also puked after I landed yesterday and remained nauseous for the rest of the day. I upped my Zofran to 3x a day, but I’m still struggling. It always seems like the “miracle drugs” work perfectly for a few days. Then, my system gets too used to them and the nausea comes back.

Sleep: Oh I missed my snoogle! Still having crazy dreams and getting up to pee throughout the night.

Food Cravings: Kraft dinner, bagels and cream cheese, strawberries

Anything making you queasy or sick:  Brushing my teeth, driving, flying, smell of meat cooking, smell of coffee,

Movement: Too early.

Stretch Marks: Nothing new.

Baby Bump: I’ve decided to call my bump “THE BLUMP” until this B belly decides to round out.

image

Gender Prediction: BOY!

Labour Signs: Too early.

Belly Button In or Out?: Innie to start!

Wedding Rings on or off?: On.

Happy or Moody?: Combo of both.

Purchases for baby: Nothing this week, but I did start on a baby registry (which is more my own personal shopping list).

Miss Anything?: Enjoying a meal, sleeping in my own bed (I only get 2 nights home out of 7 this week), salad, having nicely done hair – I’m just too damn lazy/nauseous to blow dry it these days.

Looking forward to: IF Whenever this dreaded nausea subsides! Our anatomy/gender scan on May 28. ❤