Beta #3 and pregnancy symptoms

The Barren Librarian – you must have sent the vibes out for me to get an earlier call today! The results are in:

Beta #3 at 15dp5dt is 709!

That is a doubling time of 35.5 hours since Beta #2 on Monday.

We are officially pregnant!

No more betas! WHOHOO! 🙂

I have my initial OB consult at 6 weeks next Wednesday, Feb 18th. One of the joys of having a previous ectopic pregnancy = you get monitored sooner. Unless the OB does a scan in-office next week, my first ultrasound is being scheduled for 7 weeks.

As for symptoms, I’m currently EXHAUSTED. I am normally a night owl, but I’ve been in bed between 8-9pm each night.

My sore boobs come and go, but my ta-tas are already getting bigger. I feel like a fem-bot with my perky nips.

I’m also constantly hungry! NOM NOM NOM Seriously, I woke up to pee (oh yeah – always peeing) at 3am and I could have sat down for a 4 course meal. I’m making an effort to increase my protein and water intake to curb the hunger.

The bloated feeling comes and goes, but I’m not even close to as big as I was after my fresh retrieval. I can’t complain about that!

I’m 5 weeks today. My nurse calculated our due date is October 15th, 2015.

Our due date is the day before my husband’s birthday! I keep telling him he’s not getting a store bought present this year. I’m growing him the best present ever! ❤

And now… I’m going home to sleep. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Beta #2 Results

And the results are OFFICIALLY in…

Beta #2 at 13dp5dt was 278!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was way higher than we had guessed with a doubling time of 30.8 hours.

I very relieved right now.

I go again on Wednesday for Beta #3.

I’m pregnant.

WHOHOOO!!!!!

Thank you for all the prayers, love, light, sticky vibes, support, concern, and care. XO

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Also, a huge THANK YOU to Alicia from Ladylove & Babydust for this beautiful necklace. I wore it on Friday and today as my good luck charm. I will wear it again on Wednesday too. ❤

Another distraction while we wait…

Beta #2 has been drawn. Only one poke again! We are on a roll here!

I am currently anxiously patiently awaiting the call from my favourite nurse.

If you are looking for a humourous distraction on this snowy Monday morning, check out Infertility explained by 33 impossibly adorable cats on Buzzfeed.

Baby dust to all! XO

A state of loving non-attachment

My intentions for this weekend were:

  • to distract my mind from Monday’s beta results
  • to be gentle with myself and do what my mind/body needs
  • to feel peace and love

It’s been fairly easy to stay in neutral territory this weekend. We’ve kept ourselves busy and I’ve stayed off the internet as much as possible.

Friday night, my husband called his Aunt and asked if we could come for supper. Whenever we are both anxious or stressed (especially after waiting all day to receive Beta #1), we don’t feel like cooking. Rather than getting take out, we went for a home-cooked meal with people who support us. We didn’t stay out too late as I’ve been exhausted lately. I was in bed by 9pm which is very unlike me. I clearly needed it, so I went with it.

We had a funeral yesterday for my husband’s best friend’s dad. I seriously contemplated not going as I wasn’t sure I wanted to be around sorrow. I decided that I should go to support my husband. It also was a good opportunity to practice love and forgiveness. I made sure to protect myself before I left and brought a few crystals along to help. Throughout the ceremony, I sent reiki to those that seemed to be suffering the most. I honestly didn’t feel much sorrow (thank goodness!) until we went to the grave site. My mother-in-law and father-in-law were both crying. It was a very enlightening moment to see them express such emotion (as my husband comes from a family that rarely shows emotion). Overall, I had a decent day visiting with friends and family. It really made the value of family obvious to me. A man died who left behind the legacy of his family. I hope that one day I have children and grand-children who have such fond memories of me.

Today, I had a chick flick marathon since cable TV is crawling with them leading up to Valentine’s Day. I also played a game on my phone that I downloaded after so many of you suggested it would be a good distraction. Boy were you right! I’m currently building a butterfly colony. Figured it would maybe give me good vibes since the butterfly is a symbol of fertility. 🙂 

I haven’t let myself get excited, but I continue to acknowledge my baby(ies?). I’ve been connecting my heart to my womb and sending my babies love. Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized I can be connected to my babies without being as emotionally attached as I was before we lost our little girl.

This whole process has really given me an opportunity feel how different it is when you take thing as them come.

One of my best friends said to me, “It’s out of your control now“.

She’s undoubtedly right.

What will be will be.

Tomorrow will give us a better idea.

I’m glad I’ve been able to find a sense of calm this weekend as we move through our wait. One day at a time…

Beta #1 Results

I had my cell phone by my side with the ringer on all day – minus one 5 minute stint where I left my office. Well of course, that’s when the clinic called. :/  I waited another hour and a half to hear back.

My 1st Beta at 10dp5dt is 55.

My clinic normally doesn’t do betas until 12dp5dt. I convinced them to let me go 2 days early after I got my thrush (which is almost cleared up by the way). My IVF nurse said she considers this a positive first beta – especially since it’s earlier than they normally test.

During my ectopic pregnancy, I took HCG boosters daily up until my beta. This meant I had an accumulation of HCG in my system before my 1st beta of 47 on 12dp5dt. After that, my 2nd beta only rose to 52. There was a good chance my initial HCG was less than 20 as the HCG booster was doing just that – boosting my beta.

Starting off with a beta of 55 – 2 days earlier than my previous cycle test date – is potentially a good sign. It doesn’t mean I’m in the clear, but I won’t fret so much until we get our next beta on Monday. If it’s over 100,  I will take a deep breath and pray that things continue on the up and up.

My blood lab experience was super positive this morning. I walked in and only had 1 person in the waiting room a head of me. One poke (SHOCKING! I know this NEVER happens!) and I was out the door in 13 minutes. I just knew this had to be the start of a positive day for us.

Keep me and my baby in your prayers. I’m riding on all of your positivity until I feel that I can sustain my own.

I don’t know what I’d do without my cheering squad. XO

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The squinter and next steps

Since the Barren Librarian asked for it, here’s a pic of the squinter:
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Where do we stand?

No more pee sticks

I have decided no more POAS-ing. I will leave fate up to my betas from here on out.

Tomorrow, I will go for my 1st Beta at 10dp5dt. My 2nd Beta will be Monday at 13dp5dt.

Remain neutral

We are not letting ourselves get excited. I know, I know. That’s the whole torture factor of infertility. Fear overrides joy. However, my high ectopic risk puts on on edge.

My eternal optimist husband and my negative self have decided to meet halfway. Neutral territory is best right now until we know what tomorrow brings.

Remember the lessons we’ve learned

I won’t deny it. This situation is making me flash back to our last beta limbo. There are many lessons we’ve learned since then:

  • Obsessing over it won’t change the outcome
  • What is going to be will be
  • Worrying is not worth the anxiety
  • Don’t let fear overcome you. Much easier said than done. 
  • Recognize your support network. Don’t try to get support from those who aren’t capable of giving it.
  • When times get difficult, come together, not apart. Surround yourself with love.
  • Ask for help when you need it. There is no shame in admitting you need help.
  • Keep yourself occupied

If you can’t tell, I’m afraid. I’m very afraid. It’s like ressurecting all of my PTSD from our last pregnancy loss. I know miracles can happen, but I’m also not willing to build myself up to come crashing down even harder.

That’s it folks. Only time will tell.

FET Monitoring: Part 2

And the news I’ve been waiting for…

My uterine lining is currently 8.4mm and my Estradiol is 814.

I always second guess my body, but turns out it’s right on schedule!

FET is officially scheduled for noon on Tuesday, January 27th.

Starting this Thursday, my routine will be:

Currently taking

  • Estrace – 4 mg 2x daily
  • Asprin  – 1 daily
  • Prenatal Vitamins & supplements

Add

  • Prometrium – 100 mg 2x daily
  • Progesterone in Oil – 1 ml intramuscularly daily meaning ASS SHOT
  • Doxycylcine – 100 mg 2x daily for 5 days

We fly out on Sunday night and return on Wednesday night.

My Beta is February 9th.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH! SHIT JUST GOT REAL! 

Now that I’ve got that out of my system, I’m off to do my fertility yoga. 🙂

Thanks for your support and kind words of encouragement. It’s seems almost surreal that our FET is almost here. ❤

How to get through Beta Limbo

It’s been two weeks since my 1st beta from my 1st IVF cycle. I can tell you this waiting game hasn’t been easy.

Here’s what I recommend to help you get through Beta Limbo:

Keep yourself occupied

I am on pelvic rest which means NO exercise, lifting or sexual activity. My RE recommends doing the bare minimum daily.

It can be challenging to keep your mind occupied when your ass is glued to the couch. Find some easy tasks to occupy yourself.

Here are a few things I did:

  • Made two burlap wreaths inspired by Pinterest
  • Started online Christmas shopping
  • Enjoyed Netflix marathons. You can watch ENTIRE seasons of shows on Netflix. This will eat up many hours of your time.
  • Meditated
  • Coloured Mandalas
  • Wrote in my journal
  • Invited close friends over for a visit
  • Ordered take-out via delivery J
  • Enjoyed stillness in nature. I sat under the tree in my backyard. You don’t have to go far to get outside.
  • GOT OUT OF THE HOUSE! I went to the bookstore, picked up a few groceries, and went to lunch with a few fertility friends. Just because you are going through a hard time, doesn’t mean you have to be a hermit. Quick, effortless outings can easily take your mind off what’s going on at home.

If you find yourself loosing focus and feeling anxious, I highly recommend breathing exercises and meditation. I also used some essential oils to help ease my tension.

Limit your time on Google

I know realistically you are NOT going to completely avoid Google. Everyone faced with infertility knows the power of the Google.

If you have to give into the urge to search the internet, I recommend a small dose of realistic, sad stories combined with many, many successful ones. I’m not saying this to give you false hope. I’m saying this because you don’t have much left in Beta limbo except hope. Feed it. Let it grow.

I wish that your story will be the next miracle I stumble upon online.

Allow yourself to feel

I’ve lived the past 2 weeks in increments of 48 hours waiting for my next blood draw with uncertainty, fear, hope and many, many prayers.

My betas continue to very slowly rise, but I have grieved for this child. Some days, I can barely hold it together. Other days, I’m fine as if I’m regular not pregnant Lindsey. And then, I even get excited. I dream and hope and wish for a positive outcome. I visualize my baby in my arms. I feel happiness.

Don’t hold in your emotion. Hide in the washroom where there’s a steady supply of snot wipes. Put a few Kleenex in your purse for those spontaneous outbursts while driving home, or after being stuck in line between two pregnant ladies at the book store (True story).

Go with the ebb and flow. Be gentle with yourself.

If you can’t be gentle with yourself, you can blame it on the hormones. 🙂

Lean on those who support you the most

I’m not sure if it’s because people think we are hiding out to announce our pregnancy or if they are just afraid of catching me in one of my emotional moments, but I can sure tell you that many of my friends and family have disappeared since we got home.

Toss ‘em aside. You have bigger worries on your mind. Those who don’t care to support you don’t deserve your attention or time.

Show gratitude for the ones who are there for you.

These are the people who show up unannounced for a visit when you are wearing two-day old stinky sweats, a greasy pony tail, and  “obviously been crying” red eyes. They don’t care about your appearance; they just want to know HOW you are doing.

These are the friends, who may be miles and time zones away, but still send a “Thinking of you” message each morning on testing days.

These are the people who send flowers, not because they have to, but because they know you love fresh flowers. This act of kindness brightens a dark and uncertain future.

These are the women who have never met you personally, but anxiously wait for your blog update knowing that you may need their sympathy. They have been in your place before. They understand the heartache and the fear.

This is your support circle. These people are your cheering squad, your shoulders to cry on and your ultimate strength when Beta Limbo becomes unbearable. Don’t try to do this alone. Lean on those who support you.

Be your own advocate

Even though I trust the professional expertise of my RE and the nurses, I have read way too many misdiagnosed miscarriage stories (courtesy of Google) to have them tell me that my pregnancy will not be viable without proof.

Stand up for yourself. Ask for validation by getting another blood draw or ultrasound.

I’m not saying to ignore what the doctor says. I’m just saying we all have the right to a validating test, a second opinion, or an opportunity to think about it.

Make those difficult decisions when you are ready to. Consult your partner and ensure you get their opinion and blessing.

Trust your instincts. Do what’s best for you and your baby.

I believe that a miscarriage plan is much like a birth plan. You can hope for a natural occurrence, but when the time comes, you may have to accept medical intervention if necessary.

And if that time doesn’t come, you are a miracle! Share your story and give hope to others.

Don’t forget to laugh

My husband and I were laying in bed the other morning. He said something funny and I couldn’t stop laughing. I also couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed. Wow. That’s not like me.

Beta limbo is scary and emotionally draining. Don’t let it completely engulf you. Find those simple pleasures that bring joy into your life – even if it’s just for a moment.

Best of luck to you in your 2WW or Beta Limbo. I send you baby dust, love and light. ❤

Beta #7: I feel like I am moving in slow motion

Today’s beta is 658.

It rose just over 100 points from 48 hours ago. NOT GOOD! Definitely NOT doubling! 

I emailed my clinic yesterday and told them I would not be willing to take a shot of Methotrexate or stop my meds until I have ultrasound confirmation of what is going on in there.

My heart just can’t take the uncertainty. I need the visual before I can make a decision.

They have scheduled me for an ultrasound next Wednesday, October 8th.

I know the probability of a positive outcome is slim to none, but I am looking forward to moving forward and getting some answers.

Beta #6: the never-ending saga

This weekend was a mix of ups and downs. I had 2 major cry sessions each day, but I was grateful that my one friend and my husband’s Aunt and Uncle popped by to keep me distracted.

My Aunt also brought a butterfly cross-stitch pattern for me to do. She thought I could use something to keep my hands busy and keep me off the internet (clearly she knows me too well).

I called in sick today after I got this morning’s blood work done. I was exhausted, but I think it was more emotional exhaustion than anything else.

I slept from 10 am – 2 pm.

I woke up and made chilli for my supper even though my husband won’t be home from the field until after 9pm tonight.

I watched a movie and chatted with a fertility friend who is always so good to keep me distracted on testing days. 🙂

Today’s results are 555.

The doubling time is 92.2.

I got the “sweet” nurse today. Poor thing. I totally broke down on her when she told me the results. The clinic is still thinking ectopic. She said to stay on my meds and go again for blood work on Wednesday. They hope to be able to tell me more then.

Ugh! Why am I stuck in this beta hell? Because it’s truly hell once you’re on your 7th blood draw and have no clue which way you are headed.

Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to stay on my meds.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me in some way or another during this difficult time.

I appreciate your support more than words can ever explain. XOXO