The dreaded red and a trip back to the OB

On Thursday, I was all excited. There were only 2 days to go until we passed the timeline of when we lost our Emme. Things were going so smoothly.

Until the afternoon…

I have been feeling a bit bunged up this week. I know I need to get on top of it before it gets bad, but I wasn’t on my game. I went to the bathroom. It was a typical constipated poop. And I strained a bit to get it out.

Then, I wiped.




OH GOD! Please no! 

The spotting tapered off over the hour to only brown, but the brown latest up until yesterday morning.

Mr. Google declared spotting after a bowel movement to be a fairly common occurrence. If you have a sensitive cervix, the extra pressure could have caused the bleeding.

My fertility clinic said to just take it easy until our upcoming scan on Wednesday, but I knew I couldn’t go through the weekend wondering if my baby was ok or not. My fear was getting the best of me.

I called my OB and got in late yesterday afternoon. He did a scan on his super crappy portable ultrasound machine. He was having a hard time getting a clear picture because my bladder was too full. Unfortunately from my angle, I could NOT see a thing. He said that the baby was significantly larger than the last scan and that there was a flicker of a heartbeat. We didn’t get to hear it though. My husband was able to see it all. When I sat up, the image he had left on the screen was barely anything to be satisfied with. The OB reassured me that everything should be fine. He also sent me for blood work to check my hormone levels.

When I left, I was still a bit panicked. I’m a facts and figures kind of person. I wanted to know the exact size the baby had grown and how many beats per minute. My husband was super excited though. He said the baby was bigger and he most definitely saw the heartbeat. Seeing his excitement calmed me down.

My friend who also had this OB said he’s a man of less words when everything is fine. If something is wrong, he is very thorough. I guess that is also reassuring. I wish his office had better technology, but I am happy with his personality and his level of availability. I know a few other OBs in my city that you would rarely be able to get a same day appointment with. This OB is always willing to ensure you feel comfortable. Plus, he knows my history from doing my ectopic surgery. His on-call rotation include a few other top OBs in our city. I know I will be in good hands no matter what.

As of last night, all spotting was gone. I’m back on the disgusting fibre drink my Naturopathic Doctor gave me and I’ve upped my water intake.

Today I am 7 weeks, 2 days. This is officially the most pregnant I’ve ever been – a milestone I was looking forward to reaching. 🙂

Our next – official – ultrasound is this Wednesday, March 4. I’m so looking forward to a good view of my babe and hearing that whoosh whoosh for the first time.

Enough is enough

My sensitive heart always gets the best of me. I’m quietly crying at my desk at work. Wondering why I let people affect me so much? Why do I always expect a positive reaction when I’m so used to the negative? Isn’t doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result the definition of insanity? I’m not insane. I’m just too caring.

A few days ago, my sister had her baby. Initially, I was upset that the news came through my Mom, but I gave her a break. She’s a brand new mom! She deserves it! She’s probably too wrapped up in her bundle of joy to have time to message everyone.

As days past, I heard she was connecting with other friends and relatives, but my husband and I still hadn’t heard from her or her fiancé. I thought for sure once she received our gift that we would hear something.

We mailed a gift the day my nephew was born. We had it bought for months now. I slowly purchased things as I found them. My last addition was the book, “On the Night You Were Born”, by Nancy Tillman – a book I think every child should own.

I tracked the parcel. She received it yesterday. We never heard a thing.

I honestly thought pushing a human miracle out of her vagina would change her.  I thought she would magically fill with light and love as she laid her eyes on her child for the first time. I thought this love and light would extend to the rest of her family because she would want her child to be a part of their lives. I was willing to forgive everything she had said and done to me over the past year – heck, over our entire lives – if it meant that our family could be closer again.

Clearly, I was super fucking wrong.

I guess childbirth doesn’t change everyone. Some people are unable to offer compassion, understanding and love to the world. Some people are too self-absorbed to ever step outside of their manipulative, narcissist bubble.

Today, my brother’s wife told me that my sister mentioned she received our gift. She is mad that my parents gave us her address.

I’m done crying now. I’m also done trying.

My happiness is too important to let her misery continuously inflict pain onto me.  I may never know my nephew, but that choice was made by his mother.

Navigating the next 2WW

Pregnancy symptoms mean so much to you after you have endured infertility treatments and pregnancy loss. Every twitch, ache, stomach flip, hot flash and wave of exhaustion validates that your body is growing a baby. This morning, I had my first major nausea episode. I was getting ready for work when it came on. I dry heaved over the toilet and the sink, but didn’t actually throw up. I’ve been feeling fine since then.

My friend Alicia from ladylovenandbabydust recommended the Ovia Pregnancy and Pregnancy+ apps. I’ve been following them daily for updates. Right now, my baby’s spleen is starting to appear. Absolutely Fascinating!

I’m 6 weeks, 4 days today. Each time I see that number increase, I feel some relief. There’s 9 days til our first official ultrasound. Although we got a sneak peak in the OB’s office last week, we didn’t ask to hear a heartbeat. I will feel much better after our next appointment.

With my hormonal irritability and my anxiousness for our next scan, I haven’t been as centered the past couple of days. There’s a few lingering family/friend issues that are bothering me. I’m going to sit down tonight  to do a mediation exercise that my fertility coach sent me called, “Releasing Energetic Ties that Bind”. I have some forgiveness and releasing work to do. I want to get back to a place where I’m 100% focused on my husband, myself and our baby.

As much as I want to fast-forward into the 2nd trimester, I keep reminding myself to appreciate this time. Even though there is some uncertainty, there is much joy and happiness.


When the night changes

On that unforgettable night in the hospital, my life changed forever.

Confirmed ectopic rupture.

Emergency surgery.

They put me under and when I awoke hours later, my baby was gone. I was no longer pregnant. I was missing my left fallopian tube.





For quite a while, I was afraid of the night.

It felt like each sleep brought me farther away from what was; what we once had. Each time the sun set, I longed to go back to before. Surely, if I went back there would be something I could have changed.

Did I do something wrong?

Did I not want her enough?

As the darkness crept in, I laid in bed crying as my heart broke over and over again. Night after night, I knew I would have to face my own fears, regrets, sorrow and grief.

I longed for comfort.

I longed for my baby.

I longed to not feel empty.

The night scared me because I didn’t know what the next day would bring.

The lyrics of Night Changes by One Direction contain so much truth:

“Everything that you’ve ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
But there’s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes”

With this pregnancy, I don’t fear the night.

I’ve accepted that we don’t know what tomorrow brings. So much of life is beyond our control. There was nothing I could have done to prevent loosing our baby girl. Those sorrow-filled nights allowed me to blossom into a more understanding, compassionate and self-aware woman.

This time, the darkness is comfort. It envelopes my body and soul allowing me to obtain the necessary rest I need to grow my baby, our 2nd child, inside my womb.

Each day forward is positive progress as my baby grows bigger and stronger. I find strength in waking up each morning, placing a hand on my growing belly, and knowing that my baby is safe and sound. With each daylight, I am one day closer to bringing my baby home.

The night no longer scares me. It is my sanctuary of hope.


Thank you Justine for reminding me to write my light. XO 

6 week bumpdate

How Far Along: 6 weeks and 2 days

Meds: All taken daily – Prenatal, Omega + DHA, Folic Acid 1 mg, Vitamin D 2000mg, Vitamin B12, Probiotic, Estrace 400 mg, Prometrium 200mg, PIO 1ml

Baby is the size of: a grain of rice

Best Moment This Week: Seeing baby blob on the ultrasound, being so shocked I forgot to ask for a photo, and realizing that baby is measuring ahead.

Total Weight Gain: Not sure. I stepped on the scale the other day and I actually was down a bit. I need to start tracking it consistently.

Maternity Clothes: I’ve noticed on my really bloated days some pants/shirts are feeling tight, but I’m trying to work with what I’ve got in my closet. I actually purchased my first maternity wear today. I got a plain t-shirt from Old Navy (currently too big, but will grow into it) and a dress from Thyme Maternity to wear to my Godson’s baptism next month. I wanted something comfortable that I wouldn’t be squeezing into.

Stretch Marks: I have some pre-existing stretch marks from my pudgy belly. Nothing new though.

Sleep: Super tired in the evenings. I have been going to bed between 8-10pm which is about 2 hours earlier than I normally do. I also napped Friday and today. I try to resist the urge, but my husband insists I get some sleep rather than being grouchy.

Symptoms: Tired, hungry (which turns into HANGRY if I don’t eat), sore boobs, bloated, lots of milky discharge… but I’m NOT SICK at all! Whohoo!

Food Cravings: Nothing unusual yet this week. I won’t deny it. Last week, I wanted ice cream and fries. And candy! I never eat gummy candies!

Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing! I’ve only had two nauseous moments when we were driving but that was closer to the beginning of week 5.

Movement: Just gas. Pffffffttttt….

Baby Bump: Barely there.

Gender Prediction: BOY! We do plan on finding out, but I’ve been saying boy since we experienced our loss in October.

Labour Signs: Hell no. Too early.

Belly Button In or Out?: Innie to start!

Wedding Rings on or off?: On.

Happy or Moody?: Ohhhh… I’m generally happy, unless I’m hangry. I have noticed a decreased patience level and increased irritability level. My stupidity tolerance is at zero.

Purchases for baby: The “Coming Soon” frame and a baby blanket from Costco.

Miss Anything?: Hot baths, sex

Looking forward to: Passing our loss milestone at 7 weeks, 1 day. Our next ultrasound at 7 weeks, 6 days.

First OB appointment

Today, I am 5 weeks, 6 days. We had our first OB appointment this afternoon.

Using the low tech portable ultrasound machine, we saw 1 baby measuring 6 weeks 3 days!  I keep telling my husband that the baby is on the left side. From today’s scan, it looks like my hunch was right!

My initial reaction was that I thought the baby was measuring behind. I had it in my head that he said 5 weeks, 3 days. As I stared at the screen, it finally clicked that the baby was measuring AHEAD! *whew* Such a relief!

In our shocked state, my husband and I forgot to ask for a print out or take our own photos.

We discussed the fact that we put 2 embryos in and the potential for twins. My OB said it could be too early to know using the machine he used. He would recommend the trans-vaginal ultrasound to get a closer look at my actual ultrasound appointment.

As for my ultrasound, I am very much NOT impressed with our local ultrasound clinic. My fertility clinic called them on Monday to arrange my appointment and they never got a call back. This afternoon, I called the ultrasound clinic myself and asked whether I had an appointment or not. They claim to have no record of my clinic calling. This isn’t the first mistake they have made. 😦

Anyway, my lovely nurse called them back and got me in for March 4th. I will be 7 weeks, 6 days then. I wish we could have gone a bit earlier, but I know we will get a better view then.

I also have my next OB appointment scheduled for March 12 at 9 weeks.

Appointments galore! This whole pregnancy thing is totally getting real! 🙂

A new addition has arrived

I have a new nephew. My sister had her baby this morning. They named him Luca.

It’s a bittersweet moment as I haven’t spoken to my sister since the night I ended up in the hospital due to our ectopic pregnancy. There’s just too much turmoil and negativity there. I can’t fuel it.

I’ve always said my husband and I shouldn’t let our relationships with our siblings get between our relationships with our niece and nephews.

I plan to mail a gift tonight. I purchased a few outfits, shoes, rattles, and a stuffie for little Luca.

I hope this subtle form of communication will perhaps been seen as extending the olive branch. Although, I will be very hesitant and protected if my sister and I venture back into communicating with each other.

She doesn’t know that we are currently pregnant. My parents say they haven’t told her.

I have decided that our news can wait for now.

My sister deserves to be the centre of attention and enjoy the birth of her son.

Welcome to the world little one. ❤