Confessions of a POAS addict

Remember when I said my husband was going to hide my cheapie home pregnancy tests? Well… he didn’t.

I’ve been testing every morning from 4dp5dt until today 7dp5dt.

This morning, I woke up to pee when my husband left at 4:45 am.

Peed.

Waited.

Looked at the test and…

It looked lighter? WTF? I considered it a dud (as we all know sometimes a prego test can crap out on you).

Went back to bed.

Woke up at 6:45 am.

Got up.

Peed.

Waited.

And this is what I saw…

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Now, I have been concerned with testing due to the fact that I am taking 15 units of HCG daily.

DrunkStorks suggested I email my clinic to see if HCG accumulates or not. I emailed them this morning. They gave me the run around and suggested I wait until Beta.

A few days ago, I spoke with AndiePants. She mentioned that HCG has a half life – meaning half of the quantity is gone from your system 24 hours later. This made me believe that if I saw a progression where the tests started to get darker, there would be a good chance that my body was starting to produce it’s own HCG.

As you can see from this photo, things look like they are progressing (I wish I had removed the dud from this photo though):

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It turns out that my sister-in-law is a pharmacy technician. I spilled the beans to her this morning and sent her the pics. She looked it up, did the math and validated that the artificial HCG would not accumulate in my system.

I’m hoping and praying that this is the start of a good sign. I’m going to buy a pack of FRER’s this weekend, but I won’t do the first one until Sunday (9dp5dt). *fingers-crossed*

My beta still isn’t until 12dp5dt on September 17.

❤ ❤ ❤

There has been lots of heartache in the community lately. After enduring a chemical pregnancy in June, Jen took the summer off and is now facing the potential of an ectopic. My heart just breaks for her. I drove to work this morning crying tears of joy that we may be pregnant and tears of sadness for Jen’s potential loss. It pains me to see someone who has been such a support to me go through another horrible experience. Please head on over to Infertility, Why Me? and give Jen some love.

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How to overcome a peeing on a stick addiction

I am a POAS addict. Some months, I keep it together and only test 1-2 times. Other months, curiosity gets the best of me.

I’m currently injecting 15 units of HCG each morning. I know this means that my home pregnancy tests (HPT) will have at least a faint positive.  I want to see how it progresses.

Initially this morning, it took a little while for the line to appear. BUT, I was convinced it wasn’t going to appear. I sulked back to my bed, mad at myself for letting my curiosity get the best of me. I stayed in bed for 45 minutes. I was scared to go back in the bathroom and see the result. The test was still faintly positive, but slightly darker than 2 days ago.

Here are the results from testing 2dp5dt and 4dp5dt:
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Now I get why the clinics recommend not POAS-ing. It’s a complete mind-fuck. As of right now, I’ve told myself I will wait until 8dp5dt (Saturday) to test again.

To keep my mind off whether or not I’m pregnant, I’ve created a list of things to do before my Beta:

  • Finish unpacking
  • Organize my sock drawer (long overdue!)
  • Continue watching Mad Men on Netflix
  • Have a Netflix movie marathon on the weekend
  • Meditate
  • Play with my animals
  • Go to the Farmer’s Market
  • Start Christmas shopping online
  • Browse Pinterest (this can waste hours!)
  • Stay engaged at work (translation: STAY OFF GOOGLE!)
  • Avoid Facebook (no joke – since our IVF cycle started, we’ve had 7 pregnancy announcements)
  • Call my bestie
  • Research baby gear (This is a double-edged sword. So fun, yet also builds the anticipation)
  • Make a Fall wreath to hang on the front door (Pinterest inspired obviously)
  • Make a wreath to give to my MIL for Christmas
  • Plan some date nights for my husband and I (as inspired by Ever Upward)
  • Back-up the photos on my cell phone
  • Clean off my old laptop
  • Research how to replace front step (I’ve told my husband this NEEDS to be done once I’m prego)
  • Update my fertility expenses spreadsheet
  • Submit my acupuncture claims
  • Write a daily blog post
  • And most of all… JUST BE!

I don’t expect to get everything on this list done. I plan to use it to distract myself if I sense a case of the baby-crazies coming on. Most importantly, I plan to honour myself and my body. If I’m tired, I’ll take a nap. If I need a night alone, I’ll stay home. Right now, I want to stay in a healthy, happy mindset. 

Tonight, I’m letting my husband hide the HPTs. He can give them to me one at a time when we both decide it’s ok to test.

8 days til Beta ❤

Do you have any other ideas to pass the time?

Where to buy ultra sensitive pregnancy tests in Canada

It can be hard for Canadians who are trying to conceive to find fertility resources within Canada that are reasonably priced and have decent shipping rates/times.

Make A Baby is a Canadian-based supplier of conception and pregnancy aids: ovulation strips, pregnancy tests, vitamins, supplements, fertility-friendly lubricant, etc.

I placed an order a few months back for:

1) Pre-seed lubricant: a fertility friendly lube

2) Ultra sensitive pregnancy tests: detects hCG hormone at levels of just 10 mIU/ml

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I HIGHLY recommend their ultra sensitive tests. I used them to test out my HCG trigger during IUI cycles and they did a MUCH better job than other cheapie test strips. I didn’t compare them to FRER but when I get pregnant next month (fingers-crossed), I will post a comparison.

I have ordered from www.early-pregnancy-tests.com before. My order total was cheaper, but it took way longer to receive my shipment (and the tests aren’t as sensitive).

So, if you are looking for an ultra sensitive pregnancy test, don’t hesitate to buy these ones. I just ordered myself a few for our upcoming cycle.

I’m a self proclaimed POAS addict. I’m going to try to avoid testing, but I’d rather have some cheap tests on hand than waste $100s on FRERs. 

A downward spiral of acceptance

CD 23. 10 DPIUI. Technically,  since it’s 1:00 am it’s one day further along. But I haven’t gone to bed yet,  so I’m considering it Saturday still.

Today was a disaster.

My progesterone side effects kicked into high gear. Cue the hot flashes,  frequent emotional outbursts, and very,  very sore ta-tas.

On top of that, my husband has been emotionally detaching because he’s freaked out about his upcoming surgery. I need him connected. I still need his support. It’s hard being strong for both of us.

Our fight started this morning because my husband didn’t want me doing too much today. I was convinced I was going to remove the nasty sticky shelf liner from our kitchen shelves in preparation for painting the cupboards. Home projects keep my mind off fertility.

My hubby felt that with his upcoming surgery,  we shouldn’t move into anything too quickly. He doesn’t realize the prep work required for some projects. I’m content with patching drywall and visioning my diy kitchen makeover –  whether we get to it in two weeks or two months. Ugh why can’t he see my side of this?

And then, because this obviously is the logical thing to do,  we had a convo about finances. Epic fail.

The downward spiral continued until I found myself curled up in my bed crying.  I realized that,  over the past few months, everything I have been looking forward hasn’t happened. I thought my husband would have his surgery last Fall and we would never have to do medicated cycles. I thought we’d take our first hot holiday over Christmas,  but things changed when we attempted our first cancelled IUI cycle in December. I thought our first official IUI in January would be our ticket to becoming parents. Clearly wrong.

When my hubby was telling me to stop my home project planning,  I felt like he was taking another thing away from me.

Back in August,  I had a dream. I woke up and all I could see flashing in my eyes was the date: February 16.  I texted one of my best friends and told her to write it down. I told her to remember it in case anything happens to me that day. Yes,  I’m a big believer in signs and have had dreams come true before. I’m not crazy. Just special. 🙂

Anyway,  that day is tomorrow: 11DPIUI.

This is the longest I’ve gone without testing. I’m an addicted POAS-er. I’ve tried really hard to let go of the outcome this cycle. Deep down,  I’m praying that tomorrow morning I will wake up to a bright pink line that will change my life forever.

I can’t predict the future. I don’t know what my dream meant (yet). But I’ve realized that plans change and all we can do is accept it and move forward.

The waiting game continues

12 dpIUI. 2 days til Beta. 

B.

F.

N. 

For anyone who’s new the online world of (in)fertility, that means BIG FAT (or FUCKING in my mind) NEGATIVE. 

My husband keeps saying we are in the game until the beta blood test. I’m completely unsure at this point.

My gut tells me no. I’ve given up on googling pregnancy side effects and what days BFP is most common. It’s just not worth it anymore. The facts are the facts. Google can’t help predict it. I’ll let my story unravel as it’s supposed to. 

With my sister and her boyfriend visiting this weekend, I haven’t really had time to process another failed cycle. But, I feel like I’ve found some hidden strength to make it through this potential BFN without a major breakdown. 

I’m going to POAS again tomorrow and probably again on Tuesday before I go for my blood test. The small glimmer of hope is still there. 

Until I know for sure, I’m finding ease in the sense that my time will come… it’s just a matter of when.