Motherhood Part Two: The biggest surprise of my life

It’s been months since I’ve put words on this page.

Life has changed drastically.

Wyatt, my beautiful IVF rainbow baby, is now almost 23 months old.

And I’m just over 9 weeks pregnant.

Shocking. I know. 

I should have seen it coming. I had so many signs from the universe.

Deep down, I believed it was possible. I longed for it to happen.

But…

My conscious mind didn’t want to go there. I was protecting my heart after many agonizing years of trying to have a child. It was safer to believe it couldn’t happen.

On August 3rd when I took a pregnancy test, I was shocked to see two lines. I actually think I was in literal shock for over 48 hours.

It was difficult navigating the health care system as an (in)fertile who conceived spontaneously. My fertility clinic told me to go to my family doctor. The family doctor didn’t believe that I ovulated when I thought I did, obviously late in the cycle due to breastfeeding.

Why can’t we trust a mother’s intuition? Why don’t doctor’s believe that a woman can know her body? 

They booked me in for a much-too-early scan which just created fear and anxiety.

We were even earlier along than we thought.

I found it ironic that I had tested on the first probable day I could have gotten a faint positive.

We waited for our next scan just before 7 weeks and saw a heartbeat.

Relief, but the fear still needs to be tamed. 

If we are blessed to receive this gift, are we destined to keep it?

My heart, my body, my soul – all say yes.

One day at a time, Lindsey.

 

Hear my story on the Beat Infertility Podcast

The Beat Infertility Podcast is hosted by Heather Huhman, a fellow infertility warrior. Each episode features a success story and an update from a woman who is currently undergoing treatment.

Back in December, I met with Heather to share my own success story. It aired on today’s episode. Listen to it here.

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When the night changes

On that unforgettable night in the hospital, my life changed forever.

Confirmed ectopic rupture.

Emergency surgery.

They put me under and when I awoke hours later, my baby was gone. I was no longer pregnant. I was missing my left fallopian tube.

Bruised.

Scarred.

Scared.

Broken.

For quite a while, I was afraid of the night.

It felt like each sleep brought me farther away from what was; what we once had. Each time the sun set, I longed to go back to before. Surely, if I went back there would be something I could have changed.

Did I do something wrong?

Did I not want her enough?

As the darkness crept in, I laid in bed crying as my heart broke over and over again. Night after night, I knew I would have to face my own fears, regrets, sorrow and grief.

I longed for comfort.

I longed for my baby.

I longed to not feel empty.

The night scared me because I didn’t know what the next day would bring.

The lyrics of Night Changes by One Direction contain so much truth:

“Everything that you’ve ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
But there’s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes”

With this pregnancy, I don’t fear the night.

I’ve accepted that we don’t know what tomorrow brings. So much of life is beyond our control. There was nothing I could have done to prevent loosing our baby girl. Those sorrow-filled nights allowed me to blossom into a more understanding, compassionate and self-aware woman.

This time, the darkness is comfort. It envelopes my body and soul allowing me to obtain the necessary rest I need to grow my baby, our 2nd child, inside my womb.

Each day forward is positive progress as my baby grows bigger and stronger. I find strength in waking up each morning, placing a hand on my growing belly, and knowing that my baby is safe and sound. With each daylight, I am one day closer to bringing my baby home.

The night no longer scares me. It is my sanctuary of hope.

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Thank you Justine for reminding me to write my light. XO 

A new addition has arrived

I have a new nephew. My sister had her baby this morning. They named him Luca.

It’s a bittersweet moment as I haven’t spoken to my sister since the night I ended up in the hospital due to our ectopic pregnancy. There’s just too much turmoil and negativity there. I can’t fuel it.

I’ve always said my husband and I shouldn’t let our relationships with our siblings get between our relationships with our niece and nephews.

I plan to mail a gift tonight. I purchased a few outfits, shoes, rattles, and a stuffie for little Luca.

I hope this subtle form of communication will perhaps been seen as extending the olive branch. Although, I will be very hesitant and protected if my sister and I venture back into communicating with each other.

She doesn’t know that we are currently pregnant. My parents say they haven’t told her.

I have decided that our news can wait for now.

My sister deserves to be the centre of attention and enjoy the birth of her son.

Welcome to the world little one. ❤

Beta #3 and pregnancy symptoms

The Barren Librarian – you must have sent the vibes out for me to get an earlier call today! The results are in:

Beta #3 at 15dp5dt is 709!

That is a doubling time of 35.5 hours since Beta #2 on Monday.

We are officially pregnant!

No more betas! WHOHOO! 🙂

I have my initial OB consult at 6 weeks next Wednesday, Feb 18th. One of the joys of having a previous ectopic pregnancy = you get monitored sooner. Unless the OB does a scan in-office next week, my first ultrasound is being scheduled for 7 weeks.

As for symptoms, I’m currently EXHAUSTED. I am normally a night owl, but I’ve been in bed between 8-9pm each night.

My sore boobs come and go, but my ta-tas are already getting bigger. I feel like a fem-bot with my perky nips.

I’m also constantly hungry! NOM NOM NOM Seriously, I woke up to pee (oh yeah – always peeing) at 3am and I could have sat down for a 4 course meal. I’m making an effort to increase my protein and water intake to curb the hunger.

The bloated feeling comes and goes, but I’m not even close to as big as I was after my fresh retrieval. I can’t complain about that!

I’m 5 weeks today. My nurse calculated our due date is October 15th, 2015.

Our due date is the day before my husband’s birthday! I keep telling him he’s not getting a store bought present this year. I’m growing him the best present ever! ❤

And now… I’m going home to sleep. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Beta #2 Results

And the results are OFFICIALLY in…

Beta #2 at 13dp5dt was 278!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was way higher than we had guessed with a doubling time of 30.8 hours.

I very relieved right now.

I go again on Wednesday for Beta #3.

I’m pregnant.

WHOHOOO!!!!!

Thank you for all the prayers, love, light, sticky vibes, support, concern, and care. XO

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Also, a huge THANK YOU to Alicia from Ladylove & Babydust for this beautiful necklace. I wore it on Friday and today as my good luck charm. I will wear it again on Wednesday too. ❤

Another distraction while we wait…

Beta #2 has been drawn. Only one poke again! We are on a roll here!

I am currently anxiously patiently awaiting the call from my favourite nurse.

If you are looking for a humourous distraction on this snowy Monday morning, check out Infertility explained by 33 impossibly adorable cats on Buzzfeed.

Baby dust to all! XO

A state of loving non-attachment

My intentions for this weekend were:

  • to distract my mind from Monday’s beta results
  • to be gentle with myself and do what my mind/body needs
  • to feel peace and love

It’s been fairly easy to stay in neutral territory this weekend. We’ve kept ourselves busy and I’ve stayed off the internet as much as possible.

Friday night, my husband called his Aunt and asked if we could come for supper. Whenever we are both anxious or stressed (especially after waiting all day to receive Beta #1), we don’t feel like cooking. Rather than getting take out, we went for a home-cooked meal with people who support us. We didn’t stay out too late as I’ve been exhausted lately. I was in bed by 9pm which is very unlike me. I clearly needed it, so I went with it.

We had a funeral yesterday for my husband’s best friend’s dad. I seriously contemplated not going as I wasn’t sure I wanted to be around sorrow. I decided that I should go to support my husband. It also was a good opportunity to practice love and forgiveness. I made sure to protect myself before I left and brought a few crystals along to help. Throughout the ceremony, I sent reiki to those that seemed to be suffering the most. I honestly didn’t feel much sorrow (thank goodness!) until we went to the grave site. My mother-in-law and father-in-law were both crying. It was a very enlightening moment to see them express such emotion (as my husband comes from a family that rarely shows emotion). Overall, I had a decent day visiting with friends and family. It really made the value of family obvious to me. A man died who left behind the legacy of his family. I hope that one day I have children and grand-children who have such fond memories of me.

Today, I had a chick flick marathon since cable TV is crawling with them leading up to Valentine’s Day. I also played a game on my phone that I downloaded after so many of you suggested it would be a good distraction. Boy were you right! I’m currently building a butterfly colony. Figured it would maybe give me good vibes since the butterfly is a symbol of fertility. 🙂 

I haven’t let myself get excited, but I continue to acknowledge my baby(ies?). I’ve been connecting my heart to my womb and sending my babies love. Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized I can be connected to my babies without being as emotionally attached as I was before we lost our little girl.

This whole process has really given me an opportunity feel how different it is when you take thing as them come.

One of my best friends said to me, “It’s out of your control now“.

She’s undoubtedly right.

What will be will be.

Tomorrow will give us a better idea.

I’m glad I’ve been able to find a sense of calm this weekend as we move through our wait. One day at a time…

Beta #1 Results

I had my cell phone by my side with the ringer on all day – minus one 5 minute stint where I left my office. Well of course, that’s when the clinic called. :/  I waited another hour and a half to hear back.

My 1st Beta at 10dp5dt is 55.

My clinic normally doesn’t do betas until 12dp5dt. I convinced them to let me go 2 days early after I got my thrush (which is almost cleared up by the way). My IVF nurse said she considers this a positive first beta – especially since it’s earlier than they normally test.

During my ectopic pregnancy, I took HCG boosters daily up until my beta. This meant I had an accumulation of HCG in my system before my 1st beta of 47 on 12dp5dt. After that, my 2nd beta only rose to 52. There was a good chance my initial HCG was less than 20 as the HCG booster was doing just that – boosting my beta.

Starting off with a beta of 55 – 2 days earlier than my previous cycle test date – is potentially a good sign. It doesn’t mean I’m in the clear, but I won’t fret so much until we get our next beta on Monday. If it’s over 100,  I will take a deep breath and pray that things continue on the up and up.

My blood lab experience was super positive this morning. I walked in and only had 1 person in the waiting room a head of me. One poke (SHOCKING! I know this NEVER happens!) and I was out the door in 13 minutes. I just knew this had to be the start of a positive day for us.

Keep me and my baby in your prayers. I’m riding on all of your positivity until I feel that I can sustain my own.

I don’t know what I’d do without my cheering squad. XO

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The squinter and next steps

Since the Barren Librarian asked for it, here’s a pic of the squinter:
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Where do we stand?

No more pee sticks

I have decided no more POAS-ing. I will leave fate up to my betas from here on out.

Tomorrow, I will go for my 1st Beta at 10dp5dt. My 2nd Beta will be Monday at 13dp5dt.

Remain neutral

We are not letting ourselves get excited. I know, I know. That’s the whole torture factor of infertility. Fear overrides joy. However, my high ectopic risk puts on on edge.

My eternal optimist husband and my negative self have decided to meet halfway. Neutral territory is best right now until we know what tomorrow brings.

Remember the lessons we’ve learned

I won’t deny it. This situation is making me flash back to our last beta limbo. There are many lessons we’ve learned since then:

  • Obsessing over it won’t change the outcome
  • What is going to be will be
  • Worrying is not worth the anxiety
  • Don’t let fear overcome you. Much easier said than done. 
  • Recognize your support network. Don’t try to get support from those who aren’t capable of giving it.
  • When times get difficult, come together, not apart. Surround yourself with love.
  • Ask for help when you need it. There is no shame in admitting you need help.
  • Keep yourself occupied

If you can’t tell, I’m afraid. I’m very afraid. It’s like ressurecting all of my PTSD from our last pregnancy loss. I know miracles can happen, but I’m also not willing to build myself up to come crashing down even harder.

That’s it folks. Only time will tell.