Navigating the next 2WW

Pregnancy symptoms mean so much to you after you have endured infertility treatments and pregnancy loss. Every twitch, ache, stomach flip, hot flash and wave of exhaustion validates that your body is growing a baby. This morning, I had my first major nausea episode. I was getting ready for work when it came on. I dry heaved over the toilet and the sink, but didn’t actually throw up. I’ve been feeling fine since then.

My friend Alicia from ladylovenandbabydust recommended the Ovia Pregnancy and Pregnancy+ apps. I’ve been following them daily for updates. Right now, my baby’s spleen is starting to appear. Absolutely Fascinating!

I’m 6 weeks, 4 days today. Each time I see that number increase, I feel some relief. There’s 9 days til our first official ultrasound. Although we got a sneak peak in the OB’s office last week, we didn’t ask to hear a heartbeat. I will feel much better after our next appointment.

With my hormonal irritability and my anxiousness for our next scan, I haven’t been as centered the past couple of days. There’s a few lingering family/friend issues that are bothering me. I’m going to sit down tonight  to do a mediation exercise that my fertility coach sent me called, “Releasing Energetic Ties that Bind”. I have some forgiveness and releasing work to do. I want to get back to a place where I’m 100% focused on my husband, myself and our baby.

As much as I want to fast-forward into the 2nd trimester, I keep reminding myself to appreciate this time. Even though there is some uncertainty, there is much joy and happiness.

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Beta #3 and pregnancy symptoms

The Barren Librarian – you must have sent the vibes out for me to get an earlier call today! The results are in:

Beta #3 at 15dp5dt is 709!

That is a doubling time of 35.5 hours since Beta #2 on Monday.

We are officially pregnant!

No more betas! WHOHOO! 🙂

I have my initial OB consult at 6 weeks next Wednesday, Feb 18th. One of the joys of having a previous ectopic pregnancy = you get monitored sooner. Unless the OB does a scan in-office next week, my first ultrasound is being scheduled for 7 weeks.

As for symptoms, I’m currently EXHAUSTED. I am normally a night owl, but I’ve been in bed between 8-9pm each night.

My sore boobs come and go, but my ta-tas are already getting bigger. I feel like a fem-bot with my perky nips.

I’m also constantly hungry! NOM NOM NOM Seriously, I woke up to pee (oh yeah – always peeing) at 3am and I could have sat down for a 4 course meal. I’m making an effort to increase my protein and water intake to curb the hunger.

The bloated feeling comes and goes, but I’m not even close to as big as I was after my fresh retrieval. I can’t complain about that!

I’m 5 weeks today. My nurse calculated our due date is October 15th, 2015.

Our due date is the day before my husband’s birthday! I keep telling him he’s not getting a store bought present this year. I’m growing him the best present ever! ❤

And now… I’m going home to sleep. ZZZZzzzzzzzzzz

Beta #2 Results

And the results are OFFICIALLY in…

Beta #2 at 13dp5dt was 278!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was way higher than we had guessed with a doubling time of 30.8 hours.

I very relieved right now.

I go again on Wednesday for Beta #3.

I’m pregnant.

WHOHOOO!!!!!

Thank you for all the prayers, love, light, sticky vibes, support, concern, and care. XO

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Also, a huge THANK YOU to Alicia from Ladylove & Babydust for this beautiful necklace. I wore it on Friday and today as my good luck charm. I will wear it again on Wednesday too. ❤

The squinter and next steps

Since the Barren Librarian asked for it, here’s a pic of the squinter:
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Where do we stand?

No more pee sticks

I have decided no more POAS-ing. I will leave fate up to my betas from here on out.

Tomorrow, I will go for my 1st Beta at 10dp5dt. My 2nd Beta will be Monday at 13dp5dt.

Remain neutral

We are not letting ourselves get excited. I know, I know. That’s the whole torture factor of infertility. Fear overrides joy. However, my high ectopic risk puts on on edge.

My eternal optimist husband and my negative self have decided to meet halfway. Neutral territory is best right now until we know what tomorrow brings.

Remember the lessons we’ve learned

I won’t deny it. This situation is making me flash back to our last beta limbo. There are many lessons we’ve learned since then:

  • Obsessing over it won’t change the outcome
  • What is going to be will be
  • Worrying is not worth the anxiety
  • Don’t let fear overcome you. Much easier said than done. 
  • Recognize your support network. Don’t try to get support from those who aren’t capable of giving it.
  • When times get difficult, come together, not apart. Surround yourself with love.
  • Ask for help when you need it. There is no shame in admitting you need help.
  • Keep yourself occupied

If you can’t tell, I’m afraid. I’m very afraid. It’s like ressurecting all of my PTSD from our last pregnancy loss. I know miracles can happen, but I’m also not willing to build myself up to come crashing down even harder.

That’s it folks. Only time will tell.

9dp5dt: Ugh, stay positive!

My FRER was a squinter. This is taking me back to a not-so-pleasant experience known as our ectopic pregnancy.

That being said,  I was on HCG boosters that cycle. My squinters then were falsified by the addition of fake HCG,  making them even more so squinters or perhaps not even real BFPs.

It’s definitely more positive that my body is producing HCG earlier on its own.

At this point in the game,  my husband and I have vowed to continue taking it one day at a time. We know what our risks are, but we will focus on the positive.

I’m not going to POAS anymore. We will wait out the betas. Like my good friend Alicia said yesterday, Beta #2 on Monday will give us a better idea of where we stand.

I also forgot to tell you. This whole POAS situation came from my thrush. You heard that right. I got thrush after transfer and went to my family doc on Tuesday for meds. I tested Tuesday as I wasn’t sure if the meds would depend on my pregnant status. Anyway,  thrush can be caused by antibiotics (check) or pregnancy (check).

Warning: this is nasty…

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Two days into meds,  it’s already looking better than this photo.

So now, I’m praying that my thrush clears up, for appropriately rising betas,  a healthy baby in my womb and joyous full term pregnancy.

Fingers-crossed. Baby dust sprinkled.

We can do this. One day at a time…

8dp5dt: I told you so!

Yesterday was hard. It seemed harder on my husband than me, but still hard. I was starting to figure out our next steps, while my husband was in shock. He kept saying he couldn’t believe it didn’t work.

Today, I worked from home. At noon, I decided to write a blog post. Whenever I feel like I’m losing hope, I always feel like I have to defend my reasons for why. I decided to pee on a cheapie test just so I could say, “I told you so…”

When I returned to the bathroom, this is what I saw:
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HOLY FUCK! 

There is only one word to describe my reaction: SHOCKED!

I wasn’t going to write about our BFP tonight. I was going to wait until after I use a FRER tomorrow. My husband told me I HAD to write this post. He wanted the satisfaction of hearing you all tell me, “told you so”.

Did the title of this post throw you off? Because that was my intention! 🙂

I couldn’t leave my support network hanging. Especially since all of you have been there for me when I couldn’t believe in myself. Thank you for holding onto hope, for sending positive vibes, and lots of baby dust. XO

I know we still have a few hurdles to cross: Beta #1 on Friday, Beta #2 on Monday, rule out our ectopic risk, first ultrasound, find out if there’s 1 or 2…

I’m cautiously optimistic.

I’m relieved.

I’m feeling that hope again.

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7dp5dt: and the results are in

I caved and peed on a stick. It’s 7dp5dt. Stark negative. Not even a squinter. BFN.

My meltdown on Saturday was because I felt like it didn’t work. Since then, I’ve been telling my husband that my side effects relate more to my failed IUI cycles when my hormones were all out of wack (freezing cold then hot flashes, sore boobs that come and go, sore lower back because cycle is ending, etc).

I’m not hanging onto hope. I’m not going to sit here and pray that we get a BFP in two days or a positive beta after that.

I know my body. I’m being realistic.

This one didn’t work. 

5dp5dt: symptom check-in

Wow. My emotions have been flying high.

I cried myself to sleep Friday night and had a major meltdown on my husband Saturday morning. It was like hope had been sucked from my me. I kept telling him I should have symptoms by now and that it must not have worked. He kept telling me to relax and give it a few days, but my irrational, emotional mind wouldn’t listen.

When I finally got my shit together, we ran some errands, then went for supper at my husband’s Aunt and Uncle’s house. After supper, we went to a friend’s to play games. Once again, I had a good time, lots of laughs and no alcohol. I can honestly say that I don’t miss drinking.

Getting out of the house yesterday was the best thing I could do for myself. I worked from home on Friday and being alone all day – even if I was distracting myself with work – just gave my mind too many opportunities to ponder our current situation. We also declined an invitation to visit with friends on Friday night and instead, stayed in to watch Netflix. Lesson learned: when I’m feeling highly volatile, I need to surround myself with my support people to regain my balance.

As for symptoms, this is where I’m at:

  • Cramping during 1-2dpt (no implantation spotting though)
  • Bloatedness that comes and goes; a sense of fullness in my womb
  • Slightly sore boobs (an increase since yesterday though)
  • My nails are harder. I noticed this during my last pregnancy.
  • Chest/back acne – this one is gross! Yesterday morning my chest, back and shoulder broke out in tiny little zits. YUCK! I don’t normally have acne. This is very odd for me.

I keep reminding myself that I can not compare this cycle to last as too many variables are different. I have no fake HCG in my system. Besides Estrace, Prometrium and PIO, my body is doing all the work on it’s own.

I think my breakdown yesterday was most likely hormonal, but also a bit of a protection mechanism. Less connected = less hurt? Well, I know that is a farce. It’s hard no matter what. Last time, I was so connected that I was crushed when we found out our pregnancy was an ectopic. Leading up to our FET, I did lots of visualization exercises, but I haven’t let myself get as connected to these spirit babies. It eases my anxiety to keep myself at arms length right now. I will grow my relationship with these babies when the time feels right.

I’m still staying strong and keeping away from the pee sticks. My goal remains to make it to 8dp5dt – this Wednesday. 3 days to go… Wish me luck. XO

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3dp5dt: pleasant distractions are appreciated

It’s so much easier to ignore my current limbo status when I’m around other people at the office or even at home with only my husband. Ensuring that my mind is constantly occupied has kept my anxiety to a minimum.

It’s when I’m alone that the obsessive symptom checking and the “what if” thoughts creep in.

“Grab a handful of your boobs again. Are they sore?” 

“Go pee and see if there’s any spotting…” 

“Am I tired from the progesterone or pregnancy tired?”

“I’m not noticing enough symptoms! What if this…didn’t work…?”

After a few minutes of obsessing, I snap out of it and remind myself of my mantra: one day at a time.

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Last cycle, I was taking an HCG trigger which gave me pregnancy symptoms and positive pee sticks right off the bat. I had implantation spotting, cramping, and ridiculously sore titties.

This time, I can’t even legitimately say I have any signs. So far, I’m only tired, have the occasional boob twinge, slightly bloated and gassy.

My husband keeps reminding me that I’m ONLY a few days past transfer.

I know people say pregnancies can be very different – especially since our last was an ectopic. I just hope that is true for me.

I’ve set a goal of holding out until 8dp5dt to pee on a stick.

5 days to go.

What advice can you offer to make it through the much anticipated 2ww?

The (em)babies are coming home!

Transfer day has come and almost gone.

I woke up this morning, did my fertility yoga and got ready for the day. Since you aren’t supposed to wear scents into an embryo transfer, I opted for my natural wavy hair (translation: pure ball of frizz). My hair straightener is no match for the refreshing sea air mixed with precipitation.

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My husband and I ready to leave for the clinic

Since it’s so cloudy on the coast, my husband joked that my rainbow socks would be the only bit of sunshine we see before we head home.

We arrived early for our appointment to pay our FET fees and stock up on much needed supplies: needles and syringes for my PIO injections. I chugged the mandatory 2 bottles of water and waited for my turn.

When he entered the room, my RE had a good laugh at my rainbow socks.

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My beautiful rainbow socks from MLACS

Then, he proceeded to sing Kermit the Frog’s Rainbow Connection as he prepared for transfer. I wasn’t familiar with this song, but now it totally resonates with me. “Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection”… We made our wish. We are ready for our rainbow baby – or maybe two!

Our beautiful Day 6 embryos thawed at the same grade 17 that they were frozen at. One of the pair was already hatching.

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Our embryos on the screen. Two beautiful diamonds this time.

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Double thumbs up!

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I’m so excited!!!

The transfer went smoothly. My bladder seemed fuller this time as I patiently waited out my 10 minutes before I could pee and move to the recovery room.

In the recovery room, my RE gave me acupuncture and I fell asleep. My husband said I was snoring (which is not a surprise – haha). I rested for just over an hour before we left the clinic.

It’s been grey and cloudy since we arrived, but the sun was shining brightly when we left the clinic. Perhaps another good sign??? We grabbed lunch on the way back to the hotel and then snuggled into bed to watch a movie.

I’m a little crampy and bloated, but otherwise feeling great. My honest opinion is that FETs are SO MUCH EASIER than fresh cycles. I’ve barely had any side effects from my current drug cocktail. I hope that this means pregnancy symptoms will be easier to notice.

Beta is scheduled for February 9th. Yes, I will POAS before then. I set a goal of holding out til February 7th, but we will see how things go. My goal remains the same: one day at a time.

Snuggle in there babies. We are bringing you home tomorrow.
❤ XO ❤  

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We loved you before we ever knew you