Oh Pinterest! How I love thee!

CD5. Clomid Day 1.

Is it possible that I already feel the ovary tingle? I only popped that dreaded white pill 3 hours ago!

Yes, I am sensitive to Clomid and Clomid makes me sensitive. Would that be considered win-win or lose-lose? 

Whenever I get a case of the “Clomid crazies”, I love to recite the HILARIOUS (in)fertility memes that you can fine online to my husband.

If it’s one of those days where you need a laugh or a pick-me-up, check out my Fertility Pinterest Board.

 

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What random (in)fertile thoughts do you Google?

CD 4.

After our 2 month break,  I am ready to get this show on the road. IUI #3 –  here we come baby!

Tomorrow its clomid time. Lucky me! I’m a little choked to be going back on the drugs,  but I keep telling myself the pain is worth the gain.

On the weekend,  I was checking my blog stats and noticed that someone landed on my blog after Googling the following:

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Well, I’m sorry to say you didn’t find the answer on my blog. Whomp. Whomp. Whomp.

In fact, I kinda wish you, my mysterious googler, did find your answer here!

I can tell you that I DO NOT feel sexy on progesterone suppositories, so I tend to tell my husband to steer clear.

Now that I think about it, your question is totally valid. How would this affect him?

Hmmmmm? I’m envisioning an episode of Sex Sent Me to the ER. ”Excuse me Sir. Why is your tongue swollen?” Haha 🙂

If anyone else has blogged about this, please link me! I think I would find it VERY amusing.

What’s the funniest/craziest/most embarrassing thing you have ever Googled about trying to conceive?

Inappropriate (in)fertile convos

My friend: Hey what are you up to tonight?

Me: Just going out to pick up my drugs

Does anyone else ever wonder if their online conversations are being monitored? I almost expect be picked up one day by the cops due to all my drug references.

“Sorry Officer. They are just INFERTILTY DRUGS! I swear! Here, try some clomid. I’m sure you will LOVE it.” :S 

 

infertilitydrugs

 

Spirituality vs. Science: an on-going battle within an (in)fertile mind

Last night Two nights ago, I went to a Sacred Soul Circle. At this event, 8 women gathered for a soul healing session led by an ah-ma-zing facilitator (the same one who is doing my writing workshop).

During the session, the facilitator tunes into each person’s energy to give a guided meditation of what messages their soul desires to communicate. It’s basically a 3-hour meditation session. Although each person’s session is unique, the group shares in the experience. There were many synchronicities between my life and the other women’s. I could relate to each person’s experience in one way or another.

I won’t give all of the details of my session except for the part when my babies joined me. They appeared as I stood on the edge of a burning forest. They told me they would help heal my heart and place each one of their little hands over it. A big rain cloud appeared and extinguished the burning forest. My babies told me they will always be with me, but I need to continue living my life until they come.

In the end, my main theme from the session was: SURRENDER TO THE STORM.

My conscious side over analyzes this: Which storm? Past heartache? Family issues? The storm of infertility?

Right now, I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that my biggest (in)fertility battle has been between spirituality and science.

My spiritual side tells me:

  • We will have two children: a girl, then a boy
  • They are waiting patiently for their time to come
  • They are always with me
  • My Aunt watches over them
  • I need to continue living my life before they get here
  • Perhaps there are more lessons for me to learn before they arrive?

Science tells me:

  • I’m young enough
  • My odds are decent
  • Our timing is close to bang on (no pun intended)
  • Our tests have all come back “fine” as the doctors would say
  • Our case is unexplained
  • I CAN conceive a baby … somehow with enough persistence and $$$

This struggle is what leaves me in despair. Do I trust science? Believe in the probability? Or am I content with believing we will conceive when we are meant to?

Why are we 1 of 8 couples who are faced with (in)fertility?

I don’t know. 

For a while now, I’ve tossed the idea of knowing back and forth in my head. Does it really matter if I find out WHY we haven’t been able to conceive yet – scientifically or spiritually? Shouldn’t it just matter that we DO conceive? 

I’ve decided to let it go.

I will trust in the process either which way it unfolds.The clarity of the message will come to me when it needs to.

Until then, I’ll keep picturing two tiny little hands imprinted onto my aching heart.

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A case of the (in)fertility blues

I had a really nice post written about my meditation experience from last night, but tonight has spiralled downhill. I’m ready to bitch. So, here you go.

10 reasons why I have the (in)fertility blues

1. Our natural cycle did not result in a miracle baby
2. I just want my Mom,  but she lives 35 hours away and doesn’t seem to ”get” our fertility situation these days
3. 3/4 of my (in)fertility blogger friends are suddenly prego! I am so happy for you but it still sucks…
4. I feel like my support network is growing smaller and smaller.
5. I’m not pregnant. Oh wait! That one was obvious
6. I kinda wish we got on an IVF list sooner. Update: On Tuesday, I called another clinic that specializes in unexplained and does the immune therapy. We are currently waiting for a consult. They said to expect to hear back in a few weeks.
7. My sister-in-law texted me to see when we were starting treatment again. As much as I appreciate that she cares,  I’d much rather she didn’t ask. If I want to talk about it,  I’ll bring it up. I spend enough time and energy dealing with my own situation. I don’t have the strength to educate her on infertility. Maybe I should send her the Resolve family resources?
7. I’m not looking forward to the side effects from another round fertility drugs starting next week.
9. A friend of mine told me today that she thinks she’s pregnant after their first month trying and only 3-4 days past ovulation. I wish her the best,  but her optimism was too much for me today. I know how great it feels to think you are,  but I also know how deep it cuts when you end up not pregnant.
10. I thought I could escape from it all with an episode of Grey’s Anatomy… But Arizona and Callie are planning their 2nd baby and April announced to Jackson she’s pregnant!!!! Wtf!!!
11. BONUS: I’M PMSING

I hope I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow with the sun shining bright and my kitty purring beside me.

Good night!

Bringing Sexy Back to Infertility [NIAW]

Now, I can’t get “Bringing sexy back” out of my head. It’s not really a bad thing to have Justin Timberlake in there all day long…

Anyway, check out this post – an ode to every (in)fertile’s relationship with the dreaded pee stick.

brooke mardell

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” –Henry David Thoreau

This is a week-long series to invite you to look through the eyes of infertility for a moment, as part of the NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week). This is not a series about the medical condition of Infertility – you can find facts here if interested.

Instead, this series is dedicated to the heart’s awakening to emptiness – and ultimately, to life. Even without an answer. Each day this week, I’ll be sharing a letter that I penned throughout this journey of infertility, as I tried to find words to describe the silent experience. Days filled with hope, cynicism, laughter, tears – and sometimes all at once. 

One in eight couples are experiencing infertility right now – about 7.3 million. We are 1 in 8.

Keep Calm & Grab a Pee Stick

Infertility brings…

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Survey: Barriers to Treatment for Fertility Problems

I was recently approached by Hannah, a Masters student from the Psychology Department at Drexel University in Philadelphia, PA. Hannah and her team are currently doing a study called the Philadelphia Fertility Project. 

You can find them on Facebook or Twitter.

They even have an Infertilty Inspirations board on Pinterest.

What is this study about? 

The purpose of this study is to learn about the psychosocial aspects of treatment for problems with fertility. The Women’s Health Psychology lab is particularly interested in why certain women pursue treatment for problems with fertility, how this process affects them, and how this process may be different for minority women, as they experience infertility at a higher rate, but use treatment much less.

Why should you participate? 

The word SURVEY alone was enough for me to participate! I LOVE SURVEYS! Geek moment – again! I know. 

As for you, your thoughts, feelings and experiences with infertility matter. Infertility research is critical to help shape the future. Let your voice be heard.

Plus, in appreciation of your participation, the research team is making two $100 donations are being made to the American Fertility Association and Resolve: The National Infertility Association.

But you want to know more? 

If you have any questions about this study, you may contact the Principal Investigator, Dr. Pamela Geller, Ph.D., or the research coordinator, Mitra Khaksari, B.S., at 215-553-7121

How to participate

The study consists of a 10 minutes survey. Your participation is completely anonymous. Women who are between the ages of 18-45, not currently pregnant, and have difficulty conceiving naturally through unprotected intercourse, and/or carrying a pregnancy to live-birth delivery are invited to participate in this study. You must also have an in-person source of social support.

You will be asked several demographic questions, followed by questions about your recent mood, social support, barriers to treatment, and intent to pursue treatment.

Click on this anonymous survey link to participate:

http://drexel.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_0jtLqxCX8V50FE1

The kitchen chronicles: yes, it compares to our fertility journey

I’ve been avoiding my blog lately.

Not sure if I’m not wanting to accept ANOTHER failed cycle.

Yes, we tried naturally this month.  Not surprised it didn’t work…

OR

If I’ve just been too tried to write after busting my (female) balls renovating the kitchen.

Throughout this process, I’ve realized that our kitchen renovation is comparable to our fertility journey.

It takes way longer than you initially thought

4 weeks ago, we honestly thought we would be done painting this past weekend. WE ARE FAR FROM IT!

We are still working on the doors and drawers. I realized after the fact that our kitchen has double, if not triple, the number of doors compared to some of the DIY blogs I read before we started. Did I ever mention math isn’t my forte?

Each door requires 3 coats (1 primer + 2 paint) which ends up being 6 painting sessions for each door because they have to be somewhat dry before you can flip them over.  Plus, they have to cure for 3-5 days before you can hang them. WTF?!? That detail should not be written in fine print.

It completely takes over your life

The kitchen reno has completely taken over our home. Spare bedrooms are packed with boxes and boxes of kitchen items.  Our family room and basement have been covered with plastic and converted into painting spaces. Our living room has dining table chairs stacked up and boxes of random food scattered throughout.  Our deck has old trim, closet doors and random pieces of wood piled on it. Our garage is filled with dust and paint chips from sanding. ONE GIANT DISASTER!

My mother in law has offered to come help me put everything back in the door-less cupboards and clean the house this weekend. She is an Angel! Now I just hope she actually shows up!

Your friends wonder what happened to you

Our social life sucks because we are slaving away trying to beat the clock.

We missed a friend’s 30th surprise party this weekend. Sorry Ash!

Also, I hadn’t messaged one of my best friends in two weeks, so she asked me today if I had offended her. Whoops. Definitely not.

You will realize you are in this together

My husband isn’t much for attention to detail. On the other hand, I can be completely anal.

He gets to prep, sand, and reinstall. I get to paint.

Yes, there have been a few arguments. Yes, there has been some frustration.

But in the end, we are in this together. It goes faster if we work together and support each other the best that we can.

To get things done faster, my hubby got to paint with me last night with constant reminders to CHECK FOR DRIPS! Thanks baby for being so tolerant! J

The end goal will be worth it no matter how long it took

We still don’t know how long our fertility journey will last, but the kitchen renovation end is near. All I can say is WOW! What a difference!

In Progress… more photos to come!

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NIAW: Resolve to Know More

Since it’s National Infertility Awareness week in the US (and since I’m long overdue for a blog update… hang on til tomorrow folks), here’s an awesome post from Infertile Girl in a Fertile World. Check it out!

Infertile Girl in a Fertile World

I wanted to participate in Resolve’s “Resolve to Know More” campaign, but I was having a hard time putting thoughts into words. There is so much that I want the general population (ie. people who don’t suffer from infertility) to know, but where does one start?

Also because I am an anonymous blogger this post probably won’t be seen by many people outside of the infertility community. I will not be posting on Facebook, or tweeting about it (although, I don’t mind if other people do!). But for those who may stumble across my blog, or one day when I feel safe and comfortable enough to share it, this is what I want people to know. Not necessarily do’s and don’ts (such as the obvious, don’t tell them just to relax, or stop trying), but things you should consider, with anyone really, because you never know who is that 1…

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What are you letting steal your happiness?

The other night, my husband and I were arguing. It was a typical fight for us. I bring up something that is bothering me –  usually an issue with his family. He doesn’t want to talk about it, so he shuts me out. I get mad that he doesn’t want talk. I yell. He refuses to talk. I yell again. We both say hurtful things (that we always try to take back afterwards). We try to go to bed on peaceful terms but the stench of the argument still lingers in the air.

Often in these moments, we both bring up “what ifs” from the past.

“Remember that time YOU DIDN’T do this…”

“What if this never happened, then where would we be, HUH?” 

Yesterday, I stumbled upon this article on MindBodyGreen: Are you letting others steal your happiness?

Wow. Talk about putting things into perspective. 

You can’t change the past. You can’t undo what has already happened.

“What if” moments are energy-draining, life-sucking and POINTLESS.

You will never know the answer to “What if we started trying to conceive sooner?” or “What if we tried to have sex just one more time that ovulation week?“.

None of it matters because none of it can be changed.

Reflection is only worthwhile if a lesson is learned.

I gave my husband some much needed alone time last night to digest everything that has been going on this week – with himself, with me, with his family and with trying to conceive. We got to a place where we both could calmly discuss the issues.

This time, our lesson is that we can’t let my husband’s family steal our happiness (because we sure as hell know they aren’t spending the time worrying about us). We need to let go of the hurt from the past 2 years of trying to conceive and focus on what we can do support each other moving forward. Our happiness is our #1 priority.

Be in the here; in the now.  Trust that you are where you are supposed to be.

Don’t let the “what ifs” steal your happiness.

Watch this video to hear Jennifer Pastiloff talk more about maintaining your happiness: