Oh Pinterest! How I love thee!

CD5. Clomid Day 1.

Is it possible that I already feel the ovary tingle? I only popped that dreaded white pill 3 hours ago!

Yes, I am sensitive to Clomid and Clomid makes me sensitive. Would that be considered win-win or lose-lose? 

Whenever I get a case of the “Clomid crazies”, I love to recite the HILARIOUS (in)fertility memes that you can fine online to my husband.

If it’s one of those days where you need a laugh or a pick-me-up, check out my Fertility Pinterest Board.



What random (in)fertile thoughts do you Google?

CD 4.

After our 2 month break,  I am ready to get this show on the road. IUI #3 –  here we come baby!

Tomorrow its clomid time. Lucky me! I’m a little choked to be going back on the drugs,  but I keep telling myself the pain is worth the gain.

On the weekend,  I was checking my blog stats and noticed that someone landed on my blog after Googling the following:


Well, I’m sorry to say you didn’t find the answer on my blog. Whomp. Whomp. Whomp.

In fact, I kinda wish you, my mysterious googler, did find your answer here!

I can tell you that I DO NOT feel sexy on progesterone suppositories, so I tend to tell my husband to steer clear.

Now that I think about it, your question is totally valid. How would this affect him?

Hmmmmm? I’m envisioning an episode of Sex Sent Me to the ER. ”Excuse me Sir. Why is your tongue swollen?” Haha 🙂

If anyone else has blogged about this, please link me! I think I would find it VERY amusing.

What’s the funniest/craziest/most embarrassing thing you have ever Googled about trying to conceive?

Inappropriate (in)fertile convos

My friend: Hey what are you up to tonight?

Me: Just going out to pick up my drugs

Does anyone else ever wonder if their online conversations are being monitored? I almost expect be picked up one day by the cops due to all my drug references.

“Sorry Officer. They are just INFERTILTY DRUGS! I swear! Here, try some clomid. I’m sure you will LOVE it.” :S 




Spirituality vs. Science: an on-going battle within an (in)fertile mind

Last night Two nights ago, I went to a Sacred Soul Circle. At this event, 8 women gathered for a soul healing session led by an ah-ma-zing facilitator (the same one who is doing my writing workshop).

During the session, the facilitator tunes into each person’s energy to give a guided meditation of what messages their soul desires to communicate. It’s basically a 3-hour meditation session. Although each person’s session is unique, the group shares in the experience. There were many synchronicities between my life and the other women’s. I could relate to each person’s experience in one way or another.

I won’t give all of the details of my session except for the part when my babies joined me. They appeared as I stood on the edge of a burning forest. They told me they would help heal my heart and place each one of their little hands over it. A big rain cloud appeared and extinguished the burning forest. My babies told me they will always be with me, but I need to continue living my life until they come.

In the end, my main theme from the session was: SURRENDER TO THE STORM.

My conscious side over analyzes this: Which storm? Past heartache? Family issues? The storm of infertility?

Right now, I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that my biggest (in)fertility battle has been between spirituality and science.

My spiritual side tells me:

  • We will have two children: a girl, then a boy
  • They are waiting patiently for their time to come
  • They are always with me
  • My Aunt watches over them
  • I need to continue living my life before they get here
  • Perhaps there are more lessons for me to learn before they arrive?

Science tells me:

  • I’m young enough
  • My odds are decent
  • Our timing is close to bang on (no pun intended)
  • Our tests have all come back “fine” as the doctors would say
  • Our case is unexplained
  • I CAN conceive a baby … somehow with enough persistence and $$$

This struggle is what leaves me in despair. Do I trust science? Believe in the probability? Or am I content with believing we will conceive when we are meant to?

Why are we 1 of 8 couples who are faced with (in)fertility?

I don’t know. 

For a while now, I’ve tossed the idea of knowing back and forth in my head. Does it really matter if I find out WHY we haven’t been able to conceive yet – scientifically or spiritually? Shouldn’t it just matter that we DO conceive? 

I’ve decided to let it go.

I will trust in the process either which way it unfolds.The clarity of the message will come to me when it needs to.

Until then, I’ll keep picturing two tiny little hands imprinted onto my aching heart.


A case of the (in)fertility blues

I had a really nice post written about my meditation experience from last night, but tonight has spiralled downhill. I’m ready to bitch. So, here you go.

10 reasons why I have the (in)fertility blues

1. Our natural cycle did not result in a miracle baby
2. I just want my Mom,  but she lives 35 hours away and doesn’t seem to ”get” our fertility situation these days
3. 3/4 of my (in)fertility blogger friends are suddenly prego! I am so happy for you but it still sucks…
4. I feel like my support network is growing smaller and smaller.
5. I’m not pregnant. Oh wait! That one was obvious
6. I kinda wish we got on an IVF list sooner. Update: On Tuesday, I called another clinic that specializes in unexplained and does the immune therapy. We are currently waiting for a consult. They said to expect to hear back in a few weeks.
7. My sister-in-law texted me to see when we were starting treatment again. As much as I appreciate that she cares,  I’d much rather she didn’t ask. If I want to talk about it,  I’ll bring it up. I spend enough time and energy dealing with my own situation. I don’t have the strength to educate her on infertility. Maybe I should send her the Resolve family resources?
7. I’m not looking forward to the side effects from another round fertility drugs starting next week.
9. A friend of mine told me today that she thinks she’s pregnant after their first month trying and only 3-4 days past ovulation. I wish her the best,  but her optimism was too much for me today. I know how great it feels to think you are,  but I also know how deep it cuts when you end up not pregnant.
10. I thought I could escape from it all with an episode of Grey’s Anatomy… But Arizona and Callie are planning their 2nd baby and April announced to Jackson she’s pregnant!!!! Wtf!!!

I hope I wake up on the right side of the bed tomorrow with the sun shining bright and my kitty purring beside me.

Good night!

Bringing Sexy Back to Infertility [NIAW]

Now, I can’t get “Bringing sexy back” out of my head. It’s not really a bad thing to have Justin Timberlake in there all day long…

Anyway, check out this post – an ode to every (in)fertile’s relationship with the dreaded pee stick.

brooke mardell

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?” –Henry David Thoreau

This is a week-long series to invite you to look through the eyes of infertility for a moment, as part of the NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week). This is not a series about the medical condition of Infertility – you can find facts here if interested.

Instead, this series is dedicated to the heart’s awakening to emptiness – and ultimately, to life. Even without an answer. Each day this week, I’ll be sharing a letter that I penned throughout this journey of infertility, as I tried to find words to describe the silent experience. Days filled with hope, cynicism, laughter, tears – and sometimes all at once. 

One in eight couples are experiencing infertility right now – about 7.3 million. We are 1 in 8.

Keep Calm & Grab a Pee Stick

Infertility brings…

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Survey: Barriers to Treatment for Fertility Problems

I was recently approached by Hannah, a Masters student from the Psychology Department at Drexel University in Philadelphia, PA. Hannah and her team are currently doing a study called the Philadelphia Fertility Project. 

You can find them on Facebook or Twitter.

They even have an Infertilty Inspirations board on Pinterest.

What is this study about? 

The purpose of this study is to learn about the psychosocial aspects of treatment for problems with fertility. The Women’s Health Psychology lab is particularly interested in why certain women pursue treatment for problems with fertility, how this process affects them, and how this process may be different for minority women, as they experience infertility at a higher rate, but use treatment much less.

Why should you participate? 

The word SURVEY alone was enough for me to participate! I LOVE SURVEYS! Geek moment – again! I know. 

As for you, your thoughts, feelings and experiences with infertility matter. Infertility research is critical to help shape the future. Let your voice be heard.

Plus, in appreciation of your participation, the research team is making two $100 donations are being made to the American Fertility Association and Resolve: The National Infertility Association.

But you want to know more? 

If you have any questions about this study, you may contact the Principal Investigator, Dr. Pamela Geller, Ph.D., or the research coordinator, Mitra Khaksari, B.S., at 215-553-7121

How to participate

The study consists of a 10 minutes survey. Your participation is completely anonymous. Women who are between the ages of 18-45, not currently pregnant, and have difficulty conceiving naturally through unprotected intercourse, and/or carrying a pregnancy to live-birth delivery are invited to participate in this study. You must also have an in-person source of social support.

You will be asked several demographic questions, followed by questions about your recent mood, social support, barriers to treatment, and intent to pursue treatment.

Click on this anonymous survey link to participate: