Welcome… thanks for stopping by!

I bet you are either:

  1. Trying to conceive
  2. Experiencing or grieving a pregnancy loss
  3. Entering the phase of parenting after infertility/loss

Some days are harder than others. Often the light at the end of the tunnel seems unreachable.

But, I’m here to tell you: YOU CAN DO THIS.

The fact that you found my little corner of the world wide web proves to me that you WANT to move forward. We can’t predict what the outcome of our struggles will be, but I guarantee you are on the right path. You landed here which shows you are empowering yourself with information and connection.

Information will allow you to advocate for yourself and make informed choices. Connection will remind you that all those thoughts that run through your head, all those emotions that overwhelm you, and all of the challenges that lie ahead are COMMON (as much as we all wish they weren’t).

I’ve been there. I get it.

As you read my story, you will see that I made it through.

I’m beyond blessed to be a Momma to our beautiful Angel Emme, and my vivacious earthly son Wyatt. I believe there may be another soul (or two) waiting in the wings for the right opportunity to join us. But, much like you, I have NO CLUE what the next leg of my journey looks like.

I’m currently taking a hiatus from Awaiting Autumn.

Right now, I’m not awaiting anything.

Being a mother, a wife, a friend, an entrepreneur, and a volunteer in my local fertility community is where my focus is these days. My words are flowing, just not on these pages.

I’d glad you found me though. And I hope you leave with a lesson or two to comfort you.

Welcome to my story – a journey through unexplained infertility, ectopic pregnancy loss, and into motherhood.

To be continued… 


The daycare dilemma

I’m a horrible blogger. Pre-baby’s arrival, I was convinced I would document his every step. Then, he arrived and my world completely changed. I actually found lots of time to write during the newborn phase, but now that he’s (semi)mobile I can’t spare two free hands to put on a keyboard.

Sometimes,  I feel like documenting his milestones make it all too real. He’s growing. He’s getting bigger. He is more independent…which means…

I’m closer to going back to work. 😦

I seriously don’t know how you American Momma’s do it. I’m so grateful to have 12 months off in Canada, but I am struggling with the concept of leaving my baby with someone else.

In my city, it’s challenging to find daycare for a 12 month old. Licensed centres don’t offer many spots until 18 months old (which makes no sense with our maternity leave timeframe?). Needless to say, I’ve been on waitlists since I was only a few weeks pregnant. Lately, I’ve been watching the online Mommy groups and classifieds for home daycares advertising available infant spots.

I’m not going to deny it. I’m picky and have requirements for what we are looking for:

  1. Chemical free (as much as possible)
  2. Healthy snacks/meals
  3. Low ratio
  4. Cloth diaper friendly

I talked to another Mom about the possibility of a nanny share, but that idea fell through.

Last week I interviewed with an AMAZING home daycare. The woman was a true modern day Mary Poppins. Her program is also Waldorf/Reggio inspired with homemade meals and many organic snacks. Bonus: she also cloth diapers. The issue is she is doing multiple interviews. As much as we were there to check her out, I was super nervous that Wyatt and I were also being interviewed. Out of all the people she is interviewing, we are the ones looking for a start date the furthest out. We won’t know until after June 7th what her decision is.

Today, I got a call from a daycare centre that they have a spot open for July 1st if I want it. I set up a tour to check out this facility on Thursday. If we like the centre, we will have to decide by end of day FRIDAY if we want the spot AND pay for it until I return to work.

I have one other home daycare interview lined up this week. I didn’t get a super positive vibe from the gal, so we will see how it goes.

Right now, my return to work scenario is completely up in the air. The company I work for was bought out (once again) just prior to my maternity leave starting. Since then, there’s been major changes in leadership. I don’t know what I am going back to. If I do return to my current employer, I’m planning to stay on leave until October 1. I’m keeping my eyes open for opportunities. I’m not willing to return to work until after the summer. I’d really like to stay working from home if possible too.

I’ve had people say, “Lindsey, if you are working from home, why don’t you just keep him home with you?”  We don’t follow a regimented schedule. I base my days around baby’s needs. We don’t have pre-determined nap times. I breastfeed on demand. We just go with the flow and I don’t see how that would work with a 40 hour work week… and not knowing what I’m in for.

My husband threw out the idea of me freelancing part-time and getting to stay home with Wyatt. The idea sounds AMAZING in concept, but I’m not sure the logistics of it are realistic. I haven’t been doing any freelance work throughout my maternity leave, so I don’t have any clientele right now. I love the idea of building up to freelancing on my own, but right now, I need a steady, reliable income. We still have IVF debt to pay off and would like to try another round in the future. :/

I trust that the situation will all work out. I know I’ll end up in the position that is right for me. I’ll continue to listen to my intuition when it comes to selecting the right care provider for Wyatt.

Until then, I just want to enjoy my summer of snuggles, cuddles, laughter and love before my baby becomes a little boy. ❤




Remembering our Emme – 1 year later

Earlier this week, someone I follow posted this to Facebook and it spoke to me:

It is a myth that time heals.

Time does not heal. Love heals.

Devote time to love and you will heal.

Tomorrow is a big day. Wyatt turns 7 months old… and it’s Emme Day. She would have been 1 years old. 

I will always have a daughter. I knew her on soul level which is something I am so grateful for. Her sweet energy, her warm smile, her innocence – it all brings me so much warmth and joy.

She gave us the ultimate gift: her brother. If she had joined us earthside, we would not have Wyatt. That’s a tough one to swallow, but such a strong realization. 

I still have those moments of longing and wondering who she would have been, but I have found a sense of peace with her passing.

May 24 is not a day for sadness. It’s a day for celebration.

I plan to celebrate the love I have for both my children. Wyatt and I are starting the day with a reiki treatment, then we are making a stepping stone for the garden in memory of Emme.

We love you baby girl. ❤  



Are we trying or not trying?

We found a few minutes to have sex the other day. I’m not going to jazz it up and pretend it was anything other than what it was. My husband put the baby in his crib to play with a book and some toys. We had somewhere between 7-10 minutes to be intimate before Wyatt decided he’d had enough alone time.

It was enough to make us feel human again, to bring us back to who we were before a baby joined us. I do wish we could find more moments like this.


The baby started whining and fortunately the timing was perfect for one of us. :/

Mike got up to get the baby and then, he said it.

Alright sperm… Get swimming!”

Wow. Talk about a mood killer. But, it wasn’t the mood that was most affected.

He didn’t foresee how gutted I would feel after he said it. He didn’t realize how many emotions 4 words could stir up. He didn’t mean for it to be hurtful.
Honestly, I think he was trying to be hopeful.

Each time I’ve mentioned having a second child, Mike tells me not to rush it and that we don’t need to worry about it now. All of a sudden it’s on his mind?

Should I embrace his positivity? Isn’t it a good thing that he’s so optimistic about us potentially being able to conceive #2 on our own?

No. My logical, rational mind can’t go there. I’m not pessimistic. I’m realistic.

I’m still breastfeeding. I haven’t had my menstrual cycle return yet. I’m down one fallopian tube. We needed IVF with ISCI to conceive our son.

I’d love to live in a state of trying without trying, but after infertility and loss, that concept just isn’t viable in my mind. I need to shelve any unrealistic expectations of conceiving on our own.

We had a brief talk about it last night. I think he gets where I stand. At least, I really hope he does. Neither one of us needs to go back to that place right now.

We aren’t trying, yet we clearly aren’t doing anything to prevent it… And we will see where we end up.

No expectations. Blissful ignorance. Simply sex for pleasure.

Let’s leave it at that.

A never-ending battle


Today, I’m struggling with infertility.

I am looking at my son who is so contently playing in his exersaucer. I know he can sense when Momma is upset. He is my miracle. He is my greatest blessing.

But, he can’t take away the emotions.

Last week, a friend lost her first baby off her first IVF cycle. It was the only embryo to make it, but it only made it so far. ❤

Yesterday, another friend told me she just experienced another loss. It’s her second pregnancy and her second loss since 2016 began. ❤

Today, another friend found out her 3rd baby has also become an Angel. It was her 3rd pregnancy, the one we thought was THE ONE. This pregnancy was the farthest she has ever gotten. ❤

My God. Why is it so hard?

Each time, my heart just breaks.




With each blink of your eyes – whether there’s tears streaming from them or not – you are surviving. And some days, surviving is all you can do.


What does beating infertility mean to you? Read this post about Beating Infertility from my friend Sondra at a Calm Persistence. 



The next child debate

Will we try for a second living child?

This question has been weighing heavily on my heart and my mind since a few days after Wyatt joined us outside the womb. While I sat in the bathtub soaking my still swollen and heavily stitched up vagina, I declared to my husband, “Awwww I want another baby!“. He told me I was crazy and needed to wait a while.

As the months have passed and my vagina has healed, my urge to reproduce has lessened.

Fear resides in it’s place.

My brother’s visit was a wake up call for me. Seeing my (almost) 2 year old nephew interact with his cousin was touching, but seeing my nephew’s jealously was eye-opening. He was confused about his cousin’s role. My sister-in-law was surprised that he didn’t seem excited when she talked about “his baby” in her tummy. As the week went on, he started mimicking the baby in the hopes of getting more attention. He had realized that his life was about to change.

I don’t remember exactly what this moment was like for me. My sister and brother were born when I was just over 2.5 years old. As with many twin pregnancies, my Mom was on bed rest, then hospitalized leading up to their delivery. I spent lots of time at my Grandparents while Dad was at work. I do remember one trip that  Dad and I took to Toys R Us to pick up stuff for the babies. Mom was already in the hospital. Dad let me pick out a toy – except he wouldn’t let me get the one I wanted. I love the significance behind what we recall as children. 

Seeing my nephew with Wyatt actually made me realize that I would prefer a larger age gap between siblings. The thought of making my son feel “second best”, “left out” or potentially even “unwanted” makes me shutter. I would want Wyatt to be able to fully understand the situation if he is to ever have a sibling join him.

On top of it all, the thought of emotionally investing in another round of IVF is too much right now. I can’t fathom dealing with such extreme emotions around my son -especially the anticipation and potential heartache. I want to protect and shelter him from all of that… for now. 

So, my big realization is that we don’t need to make a decision. We don’t have to put the stress and pressure on ourselves. We don’t have to plan when we will try again.

Instead, we will go with the flow.

I want to get back to a place of enjoying my sexual relationship with my husband before I left infertility take it away again.

I want to whole heartedly watch my son learn and grow without the worry and distraction of hormone levels, injections, follicle counts and fertilization reports.

When the time is right, I will know when I am ready to decide whether we try again or not.

Right now, we have a son. He’s beautiful. He’s smart. He’s my world.

And he’s more than enough.


This post was inspired by an article I read on Pregnant Chicken called, “Just One”


Hear my story on the Beat Infertility Podcast

The Beat Infertility Podcast is hosted by Heather Huhman, a fellow infertility warrior. Each episode features a success story and an update from a woman who is currently undergoing treatment.

Back in December, I met with Heather to share my own success story. It aired on today’s episode. Listen to it here.





Today I cried

My baby was in my arms nursing and I cried. He looked up at me and gave a confused grimace. I told him I loved him and it wasn’t because of him.

It started out as a few tears silently cascading down my face and transformed into full blown sobs.

My son kept his little hand on mine, peaceful and asleep.

Today I cried.

I cried because of..

The burden of infertility. The heaviness still weighs me down. I long for another child. I want to be a mother of two.

The missed chance of conception without treatment. I’m down one tube. Our odds are even lower than when we started.

The pain and heartache.

The scars and surgeries.

The Angel watching down on us.

The birth that wasn’t what I desired, how my son was forced to enter this world – even if we agreed to the approach.

My completely transformed vagina. Learning to unfold yourself as a sexual goddess and a new mother is a challenging feat. I’m not ready yet.

The resentment within me that has boiled up and over many times on this journey.

The wondering and questioning.

The struggle to balance between masculine and feminine energies.

The fact that this era allows women so much freedom, yet so much constraint.

When my husband just doesn’t get it,  even though he does. He just doesn’t like to show it.


Every other woman longing for a child or facing the decision to have another.

Labels. Blame. Misrepresentation.

Unnecessary silence. Unsaid thoughts.

Gratefulness. I know we are blessed.

Tears of joy washed away what felt like soot stains from grief, anger, jealousy, and sadness.


Sometimes I just need to cry.

I still remember

I changed my Facebook profile photo today. I got new glasses, so most people will assume that’s the reason why.

But really,  I changed it because I couldn’t bear to think that it was hurting someone else.

You see I’m an admin on our local infertility support Facebook group. A few weeks ago,  I changed my photo to one of Wyatt and I. In the moment, it seemed like the right thing to do. I was having a good hair day and a cuddle with my son.


Since then, I cringe every time I post in the group and see my little profile icon with that image of me as a mother. I know there are so many other women in that group longing for what I have.

I just can’t do it. I can’t flaunt my transition beyond infertility even if some think my story may inspire and give hope. I know all too well that photos like that poke at the emptiness in your heart when you are longing for your own baby to cuddle.

I love my son beyond words, but that doesn’t take away the past. I know how much it used to hurt, how much it can still hurt reflecting back on where we’ve been and how far we’ve come. I know exactly how it feels for every woman in that group still waiting for their babies. And I don’t want to inflict any more suffering on them… even if a profile photo is such a subtle gesture.

For now, I’ll limit my profile photo to be a solo shot of me.  I’ll use my cover photo for the family or baby pics as it’s not so in your face.

And I’ll keep hoping and praying that each and every one of those women find joy and happiness no matter where their journey leads them. ❤

Pregnancy announcements that stir up judgement

I find it really hard when people get pregnant naturally after trying to conceive for many years or after conceiving once through fertility treatments. I mean it’s an amazing blessing for them, but it’s super hard for me to wrap my head around it.

The hardest part of all is how fertile people react to these stories. It’s like the whole myth of “just relax” is completely validated to them.

Recently, an old friend of mine announced her pregnancy. We are still Facebook friends, but don’t keep in touch more than a few messages once or twice a year. When I came out about our infertility struggles, she messaged me as her partner and her were considering seeking treatment. I offered her some advice, but never got an update on their status.

She’s also friends with my parents. My Dad asked if I saw her announcement. I said yes and mentioned how I wondered if they ended up doing treatment? My Dad said my Mom spoke to her and it sounded like they hadn’t. His response was abrupt. What I got out of it was the fact that they didn’t NEED treatment.

This reaction stirred up something inside of me. I’m not sure whether I’m still feeling judged by my family for pursuing fertility treatments or if I’m still struggling with their lack of understanding.

When this happens, I start questioning things like…

Would we have conceived on our own if we waited longer?” 

“Did we need to try HARDER?” 

“If they didn’t need treatment, why did we?”

None of these questions are productive. They stir up feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and resentment.

Am I ashamed of my infertility? Definitely not. And I’m sure not afraid to share my story, but I still have some work to do on embracing our success.

There is no sense in comparing my journey to someone else’s.  Each and every fertility journey is unique – even for couples who have also done IVF. Science can predict certain things, but not everything. Sometimes the unexplained remains unexplained.

I don’t need to justify the reasoning behind our decision to move forward with treatment. I just need to accept that our decision was the right one for us.

Although it’s hard not to dwell on the negative and question why you’ve been dealt a certain hand, it’s way healthier to focus on the positive outcomes.  Wyatt is a miracle of science and love. IVF helped us bring him into the world and gave us the biggest blessing of our life. For that, I will be forever grateful.

I am a proud Momma of a beautiful IVF baby.

Damn proud.

Immensely grateful.

As long as I keep that in my heart, I know I can let go of all judgement and let love lead me forward. ❤