Planning for the unplanned

This fertility journey has taught me one thing above all others: planning doesn’t always go as planned.

I’ve always been a planner. I had wedding magazines before I was engaged, and baby books before we were married. I find it extremely satisfying to take a vision from my head and turn it into reality. Wedding planning, home renovating, baby making… it all excites me.

I initially wanted to start trying to conceive right after we got married in September 2011. My husband wanted to wait a year.

So, we did.

A year later, we started trying.

At first, I hoped to get pregnant when we were on vacation for my brother’s wedding.

Then, I hoped to be pregnant to tell my parents at Christmas.

As the months passed by, each major “maybe I’ll be pregnant” milestone faded quickly into the shadows of the situation: I am not going to be able to plan the conception of our baby.

And now, two years later, we are still waiting.

This afternoon, we found out that we need to replace both our furnace and our gas fireplace. My initial reaction was OMG I was NOT planning for this. My hubby kindly reminded me that you can’t plan for all of the twists and turns that life takes.

On Thursday, I have my HSG test. This is one of the last tests to rule out any probable causes of female infertility. It also gives us a higher chance of conceiving for the next 3 months (BEST NEWS EVER!).

Next Tuesday, I start follicle monitoring with my fertility specialist. I’ll have cleared out tubes and a doctor’s opinion on when ovulation will occur. It’s prime time!

I can’t plan what the next month will bring, but I can focus on the most positive outcomes. Because we’re done waiting. We’re ready for you baby – new furnace and all. 🙂

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An expression of gratitude

At a wedding last Saturday, I sat beside an acquaintance who I know has done IVF. Little did I know, she’s actually done 6 cycles of IVF! She and her husband are blessed with a son, but they have recently given up on conceiving another child.

Last night, I had a phone chat with a good friend who explained the depth of her fertility journey to me. She has taken the clomid, been through a few rounds of IUI and most recently decided to pull herself off a waiting list for IVF.

I am almost 10 years younger than both of these women. I know I have many years ahead of me, but I want to let these women and everyone else before me know that I thank you for:

  • Leading the way
  • Sharing your story
  • Educating me
  • Giving me hope

Thank you – all of you – for being uncovering your vulnerabilities, surfacing the emotion and being truthful.

Each fertility journey is unique. But together, we can embrace the similarities, discuss the differences and bring comfort to each other.

 

 

Facebook = an infertile’s enemy

Some days, I wish that I could filter my Facebook wall to omit certain subjects. #baby #pregnancy #ultrasound #expecting #birth #welcomebaby

I was in a decent mood today… until I checked my Facebook. ANOTHER one of hubby’s cousins is pregnant. It’s her 3rd child. Clearly, she’s fertile.

Initially, I was fine. I said Congrats. She’s got cute kids. Another will be exciting.

Then I checked and checked again and checked again. Everyone was saying congrats! *queue the water works*

Because that’s what us (in)fertiles do: we torture ourselves.

So, I made a list of everyone I know who announced a pregnancy or gave birth in 2013. Got to 20 names and gave up.

I texted hubby to ask if he called the Surgical Wait Line to find out where he is on the list. Yup, still waiting 2-4 months. Great. Potentially even longer now.

Why did I start a cleaning eating cleanse this week? Oh yeah – to make my body healthier for a BABY!

All I want is a chocolate bar.

Lesson of the day: (in)fertiles should limit their Facebook use.

Now only if I can put that lesson into practise. 

The good, the bad and the blame

I woke up this morning with the song Skinny Love in my head. Hadn’t heard it in a while, so I wasn’t sure why it was there.

Today has been an array of emotion, but the strongest is blame.

hoped that our fertility appointment would show that something was off with me. That way I could stop blaming my husband. Stop blaming him for not being able to give me a baby right away. Stop blaming him for being ashamed of his body for so many years. Stop blaming him for being naive. Stop blaming him for believing that not asking questions is the best way to go through life. 

Unexplained infertility is what the specialist said.

After two years of tracking my cycle, one and a half years of Naturopathic treatment, 10 months of acupuncture, two rounds of blood work and 3 ultrasounds, I’m fine.

For now, at least.

And Hubby’s semen analysis – all 3 rounds of them – are fine too.

So then what’s to blame?

Phimosis.

I haven’t been able to find much online about it’s connection to fertility, so I’m hoping my story might offer some guidance for other couples.

My husband has Phimosis a.k.a. tight foreskin.

As of right now, this little bit of extra, stubborn skin is the only barrier to us having a baby – that we know of.

Next month, I’m in for an HSG test. The specialist also offered to start follicle monitoring, but she wants us to try a few natural cycles first. There’s no reason to take drugs yet.

Overall, lots of good news.

But I can’t get rid of the pain in my heart, the frustration with the surgical wait list, and the blame that keeps wanting to surface.

So for tonight, I’m going to put Skinny Love on repeat and remind myself:

 And I told you to be patient,

And I told you to be fine,

And I told you to be balanced,

And I told you to be kind…

It will all be fine. 

The baby waiting game

Meriam-Webster defines wait as:

wait \ verb \ˈwāt\

: to stay in a place until an expected event happens, until someone arrives, until it is your turn to do something, etc.

: to not do something until something else happens

: to remain in a state in which you expect or hope that something will happen soon

12 months? 14 Months? 24 Months? How about my whole frickin’ life!!!

Waiting.

For.

My.

Baby.

Tomorrow, we have our first appointment with the fertility specialist. It’s been 4.5 months of waiting to get in.

Patience is a virtue. I feel as if I’ve perfected it, but really the waiting game isn’t about perfecting anything except the ability to let go.

Let go of the:

  • Stupid people asking stupid questions
  • Symptom checking
  • Pressure
  • Schedule
  • Hurt
  • Why me?
  • Disappointment and tears every time your period arrives

And instead, look forward to the:

  • Positive test
  • Excitement
  • Belly
  • Baby room decorating
  • Birth planning
  • Anticipation
  • First look
  • First touch
  • First cry

Look forward to spending the rest of your life loving your child, this individual soul who chose you and whose tiny body was conceived from love.

Look forward to the future. It will happen. And I am looking forward to when it does. *sigh*