I woke up this morning with the song Skinny Love in my head. Hadn’t heard it in a while, so I wasn’t sure why it was there.
Today has been an array of emotion, but the strongest is blame.
I hoped that our fertility appointment would show that something was off with me. That way I could stop blaming my husband. Stop blaming him for not being able to give me a baby right away. Stop blaming him for being ashamed of his body for so many years. Stop blaming him for being naive. Stop blaming him for believing that not asking questions is the best way to go through life.
Unexplained infertility is what the specialist said.
After two years of tracking my cycle, one and a half years of Naturopathic treatment, 10 months of acupuncture, two rounds of blood work and 3 ultrasounds, I’m fine.
For now, at least.
And Hubby’s semen analysis – all 3 rounds of them – are fine too.
So then what’s to blame?
I haven’t been able to find much online about it’s connection to fertility, so I’m hoping my story might offer some guidance for other couples.
My husband has Phimosis a.k.a. tight foreskin.
As of right now, this little bit of extra, stubborn skin is the only barrier to us having a baby – that we know of.
Next month, I’m in for an HSG test. The specialist also offered to start follicle monitoring, but she wants us to try a few natural cycles first. There’s no reason to take drugs yet.
Overall, lots of good news.
But I can’t get rid of the pain in my heart, the frustration with the surgical wait list, and the blame that keeps wanting to surface.
So for tonight, I’m going to put Skinny Love on repeat and remind myself:
And I told you to be patient,
And I told you to be fine,
And I told you to be balanced,
And I told you to be kind…
It will all be fine.