Gradual progress towards positivity

CD6. Clomid Day 2. Pending IUI #2. 

In the past 6 months, I’ve been on the receiving end of 2 “whoo(ps)! we’re pregnant!” announcements.

In August, my bro and his wife told me their big news when they were about 6 weeks along. They conceived their first month not using any protection. She didn’t think they would get pregnant for “at least a year” (so says every fertile…) 

This morning, I was having a fertility convo with a friend. I mentioned that I really hope they don’t keep it from me when they get pregnant. One thing lead to another… SURPRISE! They are pregnant  – only 5 weeks. I just offered advice last month for how to deal with regulating your hormones after coming off birth control. It was her 2nd month off birth control. They weren’t timing it or anything. 

How the fuck does this happen to people???? 

I spent about 2 minutes in my usual prego announcement despair. Then, my attitude changed completely. I don’t want to mope around each time I hear about another baby on the way. 

Fuck it! It’s MY TURN! 

It’s my turn to be positive.

It’s my turn to conceive.

It’s my turn to see those two pink lines and jump up and down in excitement.

It’s my turn to plan an exciting way to tell my husband that we are having our baby (but we all know that will fail because I won’t be able to keep it a secret from him for more than 5 mins).

It’s. 

My. 

Turn. 

And if it isn’t? Then, I will stay positive and trust.  

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I opened an email this afternoon to find the photo above.  It made SO MUCH sense to me. 

Later on, I was online browsing and found a home decor sign that said: 

“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears and light for the way.” 

Finding those quotes feels like divine intervention to me. I needed a reminder of why having a good attitude is so important. 

This fertility journey is not an easy ride. It has it’s ups and downs, it’s twists and turns. I need just keep trusting that things will work out – one way or another when they are supposed to.

How do you stay positive while trying to conceive?

CD5. Clomid Day 1. Pending IUI #2.

Let’s get this cycle started!

It’s every (in)fertile’s favourite time again: CLOMID CRAZY TIME!

I popped that little magical pill again this morning. So far, so good. I feel my ovaries slightly but it’s hardly as noticeable as it has been before.

This is my 3rd cycle on Clomid.

When I spoke to the nurse from my clinic earlier this week, she said we should meet with the RE to discuss potentially switching to something other than Clomid next month. …if there is a next month.

My mom and my best friends keep encouraging me to use positive words, to keep replaying those positive visualizations over and over again in my head.

On the fertility forums, I read posts that say, “you are pregnant until the beta says you aren’t!” Really? But if I’m not, I’m NOT!

Doesn’t incessant positiveness drive a person mad if the outcome is always the opposite of what’s desired? Where’s the happy medium? And how do I get there?

I mentioned previously that I believe in divine timing, but it’s hard when the drugs and appointments force you to stay focused. You put in so much effort, never knowing what the outcome will be.

That’s the one thing I’m struggling with right now: how do you stay positive?

Award winning! Who would have thought?

First off, a BIG THANK YOU to Jena at Someday Mama for nominating me for a Liebster Award.

Liebster Award

I decided to accept my nomination as it’s a fun way to get to know me better. Who only cares about cycle days, fertility drugs and invasive insemination procedures anyway? 
I am so grateful that you actually stop by to read my ramblings and crazy (in)fertile musings. Thank you – all of you – for reading and sharing in my journey. 🙂
To accept my nomination, I’ve answered the questions Jena gave me:

1. Who would be cast to play you in the movie of your life?

It would have to be Renee Zellweger. I relate way too much to the character of Bridget Jones. I don’t think I’ve ever admitted that before – haha

2. If you could have any super power, what would it be?

The ability to heal broken hearts –  in a way that the hurt would be gone but all of the knowledge and strength gained during the healing process would still exist. Super-powered emotional healing! 

3. What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

Ugh. Check my cell phone. Horrible habit – I know.

4. Who would you most like to meet? (living or passed)

My great grand-father (a.k.a. Jaja) – John Artymowicz.

I met him when I was just a baby, but I obviously don’t remember it. He looks like such a distinct, yet caring man. I’d love to give him a big hug and have a conversation about what his life was like. 

5. You are given a free ad during the Super Bowl, what does it say?

Peace, Love, Happiness… and don’t forget to just breathe.

7. What is your all time favorite breakfast cereal?

I’m a big fan of Special K – the one with the red berries. But I’ve recently taken a liking to Quinoa Cocoa Puffs.

8. If you had to change your first name, what would it be?

Queen Bitch. Just kidding. I would never change my first name. It’s part of me indefinitely.

I even found it difficult to change my last name when I got married, so I decided to get it permanently tattooed on me. And not because I’m an idiot who’s going to forget their maiden name, but because it’s a special part of me that I want to keep with me forever.

9. “People find it hard to believe that I _______.”

Am not very good at math. I completely and utterly am not meant to converse via numbers.

10. Would you rather have to sing everything you say or talk 100mph like an auctioneer?

Sing!

I sing in the shower and in the car on the way home. I may have even kicked my lil’ sisters butt at both RapSuperStar and Glee karaoke on the Wii when she came to visit two weekends ago. Singing is a hidden talent of mine (perhaps another response for Question #9?). 

11. Favorite scripture verse, life motto, or quote?

“After all, seasons change, so do cities; people come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.”  – Carrie Bradshaw on Sex & The City

As an import (meaning the province I currently live in is not the one I was born or grew up in), I have many friends and family spread out across Canada and the U.S. This quote just says it all for me. And it’s a nice reminder that distance isn’t as far as it seems. 

My nominations

I would like to nominate the following amazing bloggers for their own Liebster Award: 

Maeussle at http://swabianinexile.wordpress.com

Ladylove&Babydust at http://ladyloveandbabydust.wordpress.com/

Buckrugerlayla at http://anairmandadoctor.wordpress.com/

Jen at http://infertilitywhyme.wordpress.com/

Cassie at http://infertilegirlinafertileworld.wordpress.com/

How to play

If you choose to participate (why wouldn’t you? It’s awesome), no pressure, here are the rules to “accept” it.

1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”.

3. Answer the questions that I give you below.

  • Are you a morning person or a night person? And why? 
  • Name 1 destination or activity that is on your bucket list. 
  • What is your all-time favorite smell?
  • What book(s) are you reading right now?
  • What’s 1 thing you miss about being a kid? 
  • What physical trait do you like the best about your body? We are all beautiful. Don’t be shy now. 
  • Who is your ultimate celebrity crush? 
  • If you could only have 1 of the 5 senses (see, hear, taste, smell, touch), which one would you pick and why?
  • Favorite scripture verse, life motto, or quote?

4. Nominate as many blogs that you feel deserve the award.

5. Create a new list of questions for the bloggers you have nominated to answer.

6. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here)

Once you have accepted your MAJOR award by writing and publishing your “acceptance” speech, you then should inform the people/blogs that you have nominated them for the Liebster Award.  Also, you might want to provide a link for them back to this post or your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!)

(In)fertility & your career

CD 3.

Yes Aunt Flo arrived on Friday. Whohoo! I mean it when I say I’m happy she’s here.

In my last post, (In)fertility land limbo= lots of time to ponder, I mentioned that fertility treatments can cause stress not only on your personal life, but also your professional life.

Last week, my boss asked me to travel to our head office to attend some meetings in-person. The timing potentially conflicts with our next IUI cycle. I’ve decided it’s time to tell my boss that we are going through fertility treatments. Tonight, I drafted an email to send to him.

I predict that my boss will be more than understanding. I already know that my workplace is flexible and accommodating, but I think being honest with him will make me less stressed if I have to reschedule work meetings due to conflicting fertility appointments.

Before I send that email,  can I get your advice?

Does your employer know that you are going through fertility treatments? How did you tell them? How much detail did you give them? Did it affect your career or position at all?

If not, how do you explain your reoccurring need to be absent for medical reasons?

(In)fertility land limbo = lots of time to ponder

CD ?

Well, I guess technically CD 31. I stopped my progesterone on Tuesday (CD28). Still waiting for Aunt Flo to appear.

Wednesday was a disaster for all of the following reasons:

  1. I got the final confirmation that my beta was negative.
  2. I was mad at my clinic for not calling promptly.
  3. After disclosing our negative results to a few close friends, I realized they don’t understand how fertility treatments can be a crap shoot – especially IUI. There’s no guarantees – ever. (In)fertility really has placed me in a different category. I’d love to have answers. I’d love to have zero stress. I’d love to know more about why. But I don’t. 
  4. Our fridge motor starting going. Just what I need to pay for right now: a new fridge! 
  5. My boss told me he wants to me to travel for work sometime the 1st or 2nd week of February. I have no clue how this is going to work with my appointments. 
  6. I discussed my potential schedule with my work colleague who will be travelling with me. I told him I MIGHT be able to do February 12-14 IF Aunt Flo arrives before the end of the weekend. He told me his wife will not let him be away for Valentine’s Day. You have got to be fucking kidding me! We’d be flying back that night! I felt like he’s left me no option but to tell my boss what my situation is – as obviously my fertility appointments are a legit excuse for being inflexible with my travel schedule.
  7. My husband tends to tune out when he’s stressed. I asked him to call his Mom to let her know about our results. I also ask him to tell her that I needed a few days to myself, but I would get in a touch when I was feeling better. Well, he “forgot” to mention this to her. She tried to call. She emailed. Ugh. I had asked him to protect me from having to deal with anyone or anything else today. I felt extremely unsupported.
  8. I melted into a complete emotional breakdown. Again. *sigh*

So, I did what any (in)sane (in)fertile would: I called in sick for 2 days.

Note: To anyone I work with who may potentially stumble upon this blog and figure out it’s me – Hello! Welcome to my blog! Mental Health may not be the flu, but it’s a valid reason for taking time off. Thank you. Enjoy your reading.

And I slept and slept and slept. It was nice to finally not have the vivid dreams I had while on the drugs.

Then, I paid the bills, researched new fridges, and took the time to think about WHY I took this negative cycle so hard.

It’s definitely an ego issue. I am a successful person. Fertility is the only thing that I am majoring failing at in my life.

I am a spiritual person. I believe in divine timing. I also believe that we have life lessons we choose for ourselves before we enter this lifetime. Taking those beliefs into account, I’m not failing. The timing just isn’t right. I’m meant to continue on this fertility journey as it’s going to be a positive thing for my life. Whether that means strengthening my relationship with my husband or getting to know myself better, there are positive reasons WHY we are facing these difficulties trying to conceive.

I keep wondering what’s wrong with me? I keep feeling like some other health concern is going to come up. But, I know these are just ego-based fears. The tests have proven that my functions are all functioning… so far, at least. 

I will continue on this journey knowing that it’s not worth it to spend an abundance of time worrying about the outcome. I need to embrace that this is a part of me now. (In)fertility has made me face many deep-rooted issues: resentment, fear, anger, inadequacy, need for support, etc. Each time I dissolve one of these belief systems, I get closer to my true self.

So for now, I will:

  • Be up front about my fertility schedule and how it can be emotionally demanding. Make balance in my life. Focus on me. Set aside time each day for relaxation.
  • Tell my boss what I’m going through – not for pity, not to lesson my workload, but so that he can understand why I can’t be accommodating at certain times of the month.
  • Speak up more to my husband about how he can support me.
  • Stop taking (in)fertility so personally.
  • Look at the positives of the situation. 
  • Find the joy in planning for our future that I once had – starting with re-decorating our main floor living room. Bonus: non-baby related. 
  • Not stress about the small stuff. We need a new fridge? No problem. A fridge is a necessity. Move $ from the savings to the chequing and go buy one – which we did last night! Yeah!! Got an in-store deal that was better than what was advertised online. Our fancy new fridge arrives on Tuesday. Another non-baby thing to look forward to. 🙂 

Wednesday wasn’t all bad though. I got my refinished wash stand back – a first step towards the main floor redecorating. For those of you who are wondering how it turned out, here you go:

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I have a Reiki appointment at 4pm today. Believe it or not, Reiki has brought on my period many times in the past. It helps that stagnant energy to get flowing.

Come on CD1… I’m ready for you. 

IUI #1 = FAIL

I called my clinic back this morning at 9:30am. Left another message on the nurses line. 

At 10:30 am, I received a call back that yes, my blood work was negative. Epic fail. 

My intuition was right AGAIN this cycle.

I spoke with the nurse about why I never received a call yesterday. She’s not sure. Are you fucking kidding me? I told her I left a voicemail in the afternoon yesterday. She thinks somehow it got lost in the mix of things. Since they didn’t receive my voicemail, they didn’t check to see if my results were in and therefore, didn’t call. She apologized. 

Right after I hung up, another nurse from the same clinic called to ensure I had received a call back. Fuck do you people have any clue what’s going on there? 

I’m not feeling very confident in our clinic. This is the second fuck up with them. We’ve decided we will do 1, maybe 2 more IUIs. If we have to move to IVF, we are going to consider going to another clinic (meaning: flying to another clinic since the one we are dealing with is the only semi-local one). 

I took my last progesterone suppository last night. I’ve had some cramping, but no spotting and no period yet. What’s the average wait for a period after progesterone? 

In beta limbo

14dpIUI. Beta test day.

I got my beta blood work done at 9am this morning.

And….

I never got the phone call!!!!

I called my clinic at 2:30pm and left a voicemail. Called again after 4pm and they were closed.

I just took my last dose of progesterone suppositories.

I never POAS this morning because I figured I’d save a test and wait for the beta results. I’m still feeling out, but I was really looking for the confirmation today.

They better call first thing in the morning!!!!