Another distraction while we wait…

Beta #2 has been drawn. Only one poke again! We are on a roll here!

I am currently anxiously patiently awaiting the call from my favourite nurse.

If you are looking for a humourous distraction on this snowy Monday morning, check out Infertility explained by 33 impossibly adorable cats on Buzzfeed.

Baby dust to all! XO

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A state of loving non-attachment

My intentions for this weekend were:

  • to distract my mind from Monday’s beta results
  • to be gentle with myself and do what my mind/body needs
  • to feel peace and love

It’s been fairly easy to stay in neutral territory this weekend. We’ve kept ourselves busy and I’ve stayed off the internet as much as possible.

Friday night, my husband called his Aunt and asked if we could come for supper. Whenever we are both anxious or stressed (especially after waiting all day to receive Beta #1), we don’t feel like cooking. Rather than getting take out, we went for a home-cooked meal with people who support us. We didn’t stay out too late as I’ve been exhausted lately. I was in bed by 9pm which is very unlike me. I clearly needed it, so I went with it.

We had a funeral yesterday for my husband’s best friend’s dad. I seriously contemplated not going as I wasn’t sure I wanted to be around sorrow. I decided that I should go to support my husband. It also was a good opportunity to practice love and forgiveness. I made sure to protect myself before I left and brought a few crystals along to help. Throughout the ceremony, I sent reiki to those that seemed to be suffering the most. I honestly didn’t feel much sorrow (thank goodness!) until we went to the grave site. My mother-in-law and father-in-law were both crying. It was a very enlightening moment to see them express such emotion (as my husband comes from a family that rarely shows emotion). Overall, I had a decent day visiting with friends and family. It really made the value of family obvious to me. A man died who left behind the legacy of his family. I hope that one day I have children and grand-children who have such fond memories of me.

Today, I had a chick flick marathon since cable TV is crawling with them leading up to Valentine’s Day. I also played a game on my phone that I downloaded after so many of you suggested it would be a good distraction. Boy were you right! I’m currently building a butterfly colony. Figured it would maybe give me good vibes since the butterfly is a symbol of fertility. 🙂 

I haven’t let myself get excited, but I continue to acknowledge my baby(ies?). I’ve been connecting my heart to my womb and sending my babies love. Over the past few weeks, I’ve realized I can be connected to my babies without being as emotionally attached as I was before we lost our little girl.

This whole process has really given me an opportunity feel how different it is when you take thing as them come.

One of my best friends said to me, “It’s out of your control now“.

She’s undoubtedly right.

What will be will be.

Tomorrow will give us a better idea.

I’m glad I’ve been able to find a sense of calm this weekend as we move through our wait. One day at a time…

Beta #1 Results

I had my cell phone by my side with the ringer on all day – minus one 5 minute stint where I left my office. Well of course, that’s when the clinic called. :/  I waited another hour and a half to hear back.

My 1st Beta at 10dp5dt is 55.

My clinic normally doesn’t do betas until 12dp5dt. I convinced them to let me go 2 days early after I got my thrush (which is almost cleared up by the way). My IVF nurse said she considers this a positive first beta – especially since it’s earlier than they normally test.

During my ectopic pregnancy, I took HCG boosters daily up until my beta. This meant I had an accumulation of HCG in my system before my 1st beta of 47 on 12dp5dt. After that, my 2nd beta only rose to 52. There was a good chance my initial HCG was less than 20 as the HCG booster was doing just that – boosting my beta.

Starting off with a beta of 55 – 2 days earlier than my previous cycle test date – is potentially a good sign. It doesn’t mean I’m in the clear, but I won’t fret so much until we get our next beta on Monday. If it’s over 100,  I will take a deep breath and pray that things continue on the up and up.

My blood lab experience was super positive this morning. I walked in and only had 1 person in the waiting room a head of me. One poke (SHOCKING! I know this NEVER happens!) and I was out the door in 13 minutes. I just knew this had to be the start of a positive day for us.

Keep me and my baby in your prayers. I’m riding on all of your positivity until I feel that I can sustain my own.

I don’t know what I’d do without my cheering squad. XO

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8dp5dt: I told you so!

Yesterday was hard. It seemed harder on my husband than me, but still hard. I was starting to figure out our next steps, while my husband was in shock. He kept saying he couldn’t believe it didn’t work.

Today, I worked from home. At noon, I decided to write a blog post. Whenever I feel like I’m losing hope, I always feel like I have to defend my reasons for why. I decided to pee on a cheapie test just so I could say, “I told you so…”

When I returned to the bathroom, this is what I saw:
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HOLY FUCK! 

There is only one word to describe my reaction: SHOCKED!

I wasn’t going to write about our BFP tonight. I was going to wait until after I use a FRER tomorrow. My husband told me I HAD to write this post. He wanted the satisfaction of hearing you all tell me, “told you so”.

Did the title of this post throw you off? Because that was my intention! 🙂

I couldn’t leave my support network hanging. Especially since all of you have been there for me when I couldn’t believe in myself. Thank you for holding onto hope, for sending positive vibes, and lots of baby dust. XO

I know we still have a few hurdles to cross: Beta #1 on Friday, Beta #2 on Monday, rule out our ectopic risk, first ultrasound, find out if there’s 1 or 2…

I’m cautiously optimistic.

I’m relieved.

I’m feeling that hope again.

keepthefaith

5dp5dt: symptom check-in

Wow. My emotions have been flying high.

I cried myself to sleep Friday night and had a major meltdown on my husband Saturday morning. It was like hope had been sucked from my me. I kept telling him I should have symptoms by now and that it must not have worked. He kept telling me to relax and give it a few days, but my irrational, emotional mind wouldn’t listen.

When I finally got my shit together, we ran some errands, then went for supper at my husband’s Aunt and Uncle’s house. After supper, we went to a friend’s to play games. Once again, I had a good time, lots of laughs and no alcohol. I can honestly say that I don’t miss drinking.

Getting out of the house yesterday was the best thing I could do for myself. I worked from home on Friday and being alone all day – even if I was distracting myself with work – just gave my mind too many opportunities to ponder our current situation. We also declined an invitation to visit with friends on Friday night and instead, stayed in to watch Netflix. Lesson learned: when I’m feeling highly volatile, I need to surround myself with my support people to regain my balance.

As for symptoms, this is where I’m at:

  • Cramping during 1-2dpt (no implantation spotting though)
  • Bloatedness that comes and goes; a sense of fullness in my womb
  • Slightly sore boobs (an increase since yesterday though)
  • My nails are harder. I noticed this during my last pregnancy.
  • Chest/back acne – this one is gross! Yesterday morning my chest, back and shoulder broke out in tiny little zits. YUCK! I don’t normally have acne. This is very odd for me.

I keep reminding myself that I can not compare this cycle to last as too many variables are different. I have no fake HCG in my system. Besides Estrace, Prometrium and PIO, my body is doing all the work on it’s own.

I think my breakdown yesterday was most likely hormonal, but also a bit of a protection mechanism. Less connected = less hurt? Well, I know that is a farce. It’s hard no matter what. Last time, I was so connected that I was crushed when we found out our pregnancy was an ectopic. Leading up to our FET, I did lots of visualization exercises, but I haven’t let myself get as connected to these spirit babies. It eases my anxiety to keep myself at arms length right now. I will grow my relationship with these babies when the time feels right.

I’m still staying strong and keeping away from the pee sticks. My goal remains to make it to 8dp5dt – this Wednesday. 3 days to go… Wish me luck. XO

happyending

3dp5dt: pleasant distractions are appreciated

It’s so much easier to ignore my current limbo status when I’m around other people at the office or even at home with only my husband. Ensuring that my mind is constantly occupied has kept my anxiety to a minimum.

It’s when I’m alone that the obsessive symptom checking and the “what if” thoughts creep in.

“Grab a handful of your boobs again. Are they sore?” 

“Go pee and see if there’s any spotting…” 

“Am I tired from the progesterone or pregnancy tired?”

“I’m not noticing enough symptoms! What if this…didn’t work…?”

After a few minutes of obsessing, I snap out of it and remind myself of my mantra: one day at a time.

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Last cycle, I was taking an HCG trigger which gave me pregnancy symptoms and positive pee sticks right off the bat. I had implantation spotting, cramping, and ridiculously sore titties.

This time, I can’t even legitimately say I have any signs. So far, I’m only tired, have the occasional boob twinge, slightly bloated and gassy.

My husband keeps reminding me that I’m ONLY a few days past transfer.

I know people say pregnancies can be very different – especially since our last was an ectopic. I just hope that is true for me.

I’ve set a goal of holding out until 8dp5dt to pee on a stick.

5 days to go.

What advice can you offer to make it through the much anticipated 2ww?

The (em)babies are coming home!

Transfer day has come and almost gone.

I woke up this morning, did my fertility yoga and got ready for the day. Since you aren’t supposed to wear scents into an embryo transfer, I opted for my natural wavy hair (translation: pure ball of frizz). My hair straightener is no match for the refreshing sea air mixed with precipitation.

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My husband and I ready to leave for the clinic

Since it’s so cloudy on the coast, my husband joked that my rainbow socks would be the only bit of sunshine we see before we head home.

We arrived early for our appointment to pay our FET fees and stock up on much needed supplies: needles and syringes for my PIO injections. I chugged the mandatory 2 bottles of water and waited for my turn.

When he entered the room, my RE had a good laugh at my rainbow socks.

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My beautiful rainbow socks from MLACS

Then, he proceeded to sing Kermit the Frog’s Rainbow Connection as he prepared for transfer. I wasn’t familiar with this song, but now it totally resonates with me. “Someday we’ll find it, the rainbow connection”… We made our wish. We are ready for our rainbow baby – or maybe two!

Our beautiful Day 6 embryos thawed at the same grade 17 that they were frozen at. One of the pair was already hatching.

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Our embryos on the screen. Two beautiful diamonds this time.

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Double thumbs up!

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I’m so excited!!!

The transfer went smoothly. My bladder seemed fuller this time as I patiently waited out my 10 minutes before I could pee and move to the recovery room.

In the recovery room, my RE gave me acupuncture and I fell asleep. My husband said I was snoring (which is not a surprise – haha). I rested for just over an hour before we left the clinic.

It’s been grey and cloudy since we arrived, but the sun was shining brightly when we left the clinic. Perhaps another good sign??? We grabbed lunch on the way back to the hotel and then snuggled into bed to watch a movie.

I’m a little crampy and bloated, but otherwise feeling great. My honest opinion is that FETs are SO MUCH EASIER than fresh cycles. I’ve barely had any side effects from my current drug cocktail. I hope that this means pregnancy symptoms will be easier to notice.

Beta is scheduled for February 9th. Yes, I will POAS before then. I set a goal of holding out til February 7th, but we will see how things go. My goal remains the same: one day at a time.

Snuggle in there babies. We are bringing you home tomorrow.
❤ XO ❤  

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We loved you before we ever knew you