Confessions of a POAS addict: Part 3

I tested again yesterday and today with a FRER. It’s been getting progressively darker. Here’s what this morning looked like:

imageI’ve also decided it’s near impossible to get good photos of pregnancy tests. The second line always seems so much darker in real life.

I’m feeling way less anxious now about the outcome. I know I won’t feel 100% confident until that line is as dark as the test line, or until I get that positive beta phone call.

I told myself tomorrow is a POAS break. I might try again the morning of Beta.

I can’t think too much about side effects as I’m on Estrace, Prometrium and PIO, but I am feeling:

  • Crampy on and off without any spotting
  • Sore boobs
  • EXHAUSTED! I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired.

2 days to go…
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Confessions of a POAS addict: Part 2

Yesterday afternoon,  I went to the bathroom and noticed some pink spotting. It was a colour that is not normal for me (almost like Pepito Bismol but not as bright). It was gone by late afternoon.

I emailed my nurse just as an FYI. She said it’s a good sign and put me back on ”restricted activity” this weekend.

A person always craves lazy days at home. Yet after being on bedrest for way too many days over the past 3 weeks,  I’m getting a bit stir crazy.

My mom told my husband to take my car keys with him to the farm, so I can’t escape. He knows better than to listen to her. Haha

I tested again this morning with a cheapie and with a FRER. Cheapie is the same –  a slightly darker full line appearing. The FRER was a squinter,  but both my husband and I were able to pick it up.

I’ve decided instead of jumping back on the roller coaster of emotions,  I’ll let myself believe that if yesterday was implantation if could be 48 hours + to get a full positive on a FRER.  That timing would be 9-10dp5dt.

Still impatiently waiting for Beta… 4 days to go.

Confessions of a POAS addict

Remember when I said my husband was going to hide my cheapie home pregnancy tests? Well… he didn’t.

I’ve been testing every morning from 4dp5dt until today 7dp5dt.

This morning, I woke up to pee when my husband left at 4:45 am.

Peed.

Waited.

Looked at the test and…

It looked lighter? WTF? I considered it a dud (as we all know sometimes a prego test can crap out on you).

Went back to bed.

Woke up at 6:45 am.

Got up.

Peed.

Waited.

And this is what I saw…

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Now, I have been concerned with testing due to the fact that I am taking 15 units of HCG daily.

DrunkStorks suggested I email my clinic to see if HCG accumulates or not. I emailed them this morning. They gave me the run around and suggested I wait until Beta.

A few days ago, I spoke with AndiePants. She mentioned that HCG has a half life – meaning half of the quantity is gone from your system 24 hours later. This made me believe that if I saw a progression where the tests started to get darker, there would be a good chance that my body was starting to produce it’s own HCG.

As you can see from this photo, things look like they are progressing (I wish I had removed the dud from this photo though):

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It turns out that my sister-in-law is a pharmacy technician. I spilled the beans to her this morning and sent her the pics. She looked it up, did the math and validated that the artificial HCG would not accumulate in my system.

I’m hoping and praying that this is the start of a good sign. I’m going to buy a pack of FRER’s this weekend, but I won’t do the first one until Sunday (9dp5dt). *fingers-crossed*

My beta still isn’t until 12dp5dt on September 17.

<3 <3 <3

There has been lots of heartache in the community lately. After enduring a chemical pregnancy in June, Jen took the summer off and is now facing the potential of an ectopic. My heart just breaks for her. I drove to work this morning crying tears of joy that we may be pregnant and tears of sadness for Jen’s potential loss. It pains me to see someone who has been such a support to me go through another horrible experience. Please head on over to Infertility, Why Me? and give Jen some love.

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It’s a Hush, Hush Word…Infertility

Awaiting Autumn:

Great post! Infertility doesn’t need to be a dirty little secret.

Originally posted on The Mom in Me, MD:

SHHHHHHHH…..I’ve got INFERTILITY ISSUES! People put autism puzzle stickers and breast cancer survivor stickers on their cars, but I have yet to see an “Infertile Couple” awareness sticker. Is the diagnosis of infertility any less of a diagnosis? Insurance companies lead us to believe this by their lack of coverage for medically necessary infertility services (a blog for another day).  Although infertility may not be life threatening like breast cancer, it is a painful and limiting condition that profoundly impacts many lives.NEW YORK - MAY 24: Actress Sarah Jessica Parker attends the prem

I assume that the stigma of infertility in part stems from the fact that SEX is broken. Who wants to admit that their sex doesn’t “work”? And, although Sarah Jessica Parker may have normalized talking about explicit sex over the dinner table, many of us don’t want to share the intimacies of our relationship with friends, let alone strangers. In my mind, one of the beauties of intimacy…

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How to overcome a peeing on a stick addiction

I am a POAS addict. Some months, I keep it together and only test 1-2 times. Other months, curiosity gets the best of me.

I’m currently injecting 15 units of HCG each morning. I know this means that my home pregnancy tests (HPT) will have at least a faint positive.  I want to see how it progresses.

Initially this morning, it took a little while for the line to appear. BUT, I was convinced it wasn’t going to appear. I sulked back to my bed, mad at myself for letting my curiosity get the best of me. I stayed in bed for 45 minutes. I was scared to go back in the bathroom and see the result. The test was still faintly positive, but slightly darker than 2 days ago.

Here are the results from testing 2dp5dt and 4dp5dt:
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Now I get why the clinics recommend not POAS-ing. It’s a complete mind-fuck. As of right now, I’ve told myself I will wait until 8dp5dt (Saturday) to test again.

To keep my mind off whether or not I’m pregnant, I’ve created a list of things to do before my Beta:

  • Finish unpacking
  • Organize my sock drawer (long overdue!)
  • Continue watching Mad Men on Netflix
  • Have a Netflix movie marathon on the weekend
  • Meditate
  • Play with my animals
  • Go to the Farmer’s Market
  • Start Christmas shopping online
  • Browse Pinterest (this can waste hours!)
  • Stay engaged at work (translation: STAY OFF GOOGLE!)
  • Avoid Facebook (no joke – since our IVF cycle started, we’ve had 7 pregnancy announcements)
  • Call my bestie
  • Research baby gear (This is a double-edged sword. So fun, yet also builds the anticipation)
  • Make a Fall wreath to hang on the front door (Pinterest inspired obviously)
  • Make a wreath to give to my MIL for Christmas
  • Plan some date nights for my husband and I (as inspired by Ever Upward)
  • Back-up the photos on my cell phone
  • Clean off my old laptop
  • Research how to replace front step (I’ve told my husband this NEEDS to be done once I’m prego)
  • Update my fertility expenses spreadsheet
  • Submit my acupuncture claims
  • Write a daily blog post
  • And most of all… JUST BE!

I don’t expect to get everything on this list done. I plan to use it to distract myself if I sense a case of the baby-crazies coming on. Most importantly, I plan to honour myself and my body. If I’m tired, I’ll take a nap. If I need a night alone, I’ll stay home. Right now, I want to stay in a healthy, happy mindset. 

Tonight, I’m letting my husband hide the HPTs. He can give them to me one at a time when we both decide it’s ok to test.

8 days til Beta <3

Do you have any other ideas to pass the time?

Do numbers really matter?

Ever since our retrieval of 27 eggs, I was a bit surprised to see things rapidly declining. 

Our fertilization counts were:

  • Day 1 – 13
  • Day 2 – 12 
  • Day 3 – 11
  • Day 4 – no update
  • Day 5 – 2 blastocysts. 1 transferred. 1 discarded as low quality. 
  • Day 6 – 2 blastocysts frozen.

After a few days of phone tag, I finally caught up with our embryologist today to ask her a few questions. I was concerned that maybe my egg quality wasn’t great or maybe it was a sperm issue? Basically, I just wanted to know why we went from 13 fertilized to 3 embryos. 

She explained that they expect your Day 3 numbers to decrease by half on Day 5. Ideally, we would have gone from 11 to 5-6. She said it’s too difficult to determine where the problem lies (might be a better question for the RE), but that it’s clear that ISCI is the best for us. All 3 of our strong embryos were from the ISCI group.  I’m not upset that we chose to do half and half. I get that your first IVF cycle can be a bit of trial and error. In our case, there was no error. Although slightly below expected, our numbers still give us 3 chances at conceiving our babies. She reassured me that the one we transferred was very high quality, as are the two we froze. 

In the end, I’ve realized higher numbers don’t matter. All that matters is quality. You could be left with 1 embryo. As long as it sticks, the IVF process was a success. 

9 days til Beta… stick little bean, stick. 

Homeward bound: fear and anticipation

We are sitting in the Victoria International Airport. I agreed to fly out early to please my husband even though we could have left last night and gotten home at 1am. Instead we woke up at 4 am and will be getting home at 1:30pm (yes, our second flight is already delayed).
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I slept like crap last night which seems to be a pattern over this past week. There’s so much going on.

The lab called yesterday to let us know we have 2 embryos frozen.

I’m a bit surprised at how low this number is since they pulled out 27 and  initially fertilized 13. No matter what,  we still get another chance (for baby #2).

I’ve been watching Mad Men on Netflix lately. In one episode,  the main character Don Draper says something about how fear lies in anticipation.

Wow. He nailed it.

The whole IVF process is a series of steps. As we approach each milestone,  we fear the what ifs as we anticipate moving forward towards our goal of baby.

It’s 10 days til my Beta.

I keep placing my hand on my belly. I keep talking to my baby as if she is in there getting comfortable for her 9 month stay.

I can’t guarantee that this will be the outcome,  but I’d rather live in love than fear.

Speaking of love,  here’s my cuddley fur babies the night before we left:

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Momma’s coming home!