Motherhood Part Two: The biggest surprise of my life

It’s been months since I’ve put words on this page.

Life has changed drastically.

Wyatt, my beautiful IVF rainbow baby, is now almost 23 months old.

And I’m just over 9 weeks pregnant.

Shocking. I know. 

I should have seen it coming. I had so many signs from the universe.

Deep down, I believed it was possible. I longed for it to happen.

But…

My conscious mind didn’t want to go there. I was protecting my heart after many agonizing years of trying to have a child. It was safer to believe it couldn’t happen.

On August 3rd when I took a pregnancy test, I was shocked to see two lines. I actually think I was in literal shock for over 48 hours.

It was difficult navigating the health care system as an (in)fertile who conceived spontaneously. My fertility clinic told me to go to my family doctor. The family doctor didn’t believe that I ovulated when I thought I did, obviously late in the cycle due to breastfeeding.

Why can’t we trust a mother’s intuition? Why don’t doctor’s believe that a woman can know her body? 

They booked me in for a much-too-early scan which just created fear and anxiety.

We were even earlier along than we thought.

I found it ironic that I had tested on the first probable day I could have gotten a faint positive.

We waited for our next scan just before 7 weeks and saw a heartbeat.

Relief, but the fear still needs to be tamed. 

If we are blessed to receive this gift, are we destined to keep it?

My heart, my body, my soul – all say yes.

One day at a time, Lindsey.

 

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Beta #2 Results

I just got the email from my nurse (yes, she emailed instead of calling. I think I may have scared her with my “I did my beta. I have no hope. I’ll be waiting for your call” email this morning). I wish she had called instead though.

Today’s beta is 53.

She asked me to repeat it on Monday.

I HATE BETA LIMBO.

My thoughts:

  • If the HCG booster had accumulated enough to be around 20, then my beta MIGHT have doubled.
  • The lack of symptoms is still discouraging. Boobs are ever so slightly sore. Cramps come and go. I am trusting what some of you have said about perhaps my body has adjusted to the progesterone and the lack of artificial HCG. If this is a viable pregnancy and the symptoms stay like this, I definitely won’t be complaining.
  • I need to Google the shit out of this AGAIN

My husband is frustrated. I’m frustrated.

I hope this little bean is just taking her sweet time, but I also need to be realistic.

THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who have been there for me from the start, from the middle and from recently onwards.

Your prayers, love, light, advice – it’s all appreciated. 🙂