Motherhood Part Two: The biggest surprise of my life

It’s been months since I’ve put words on this page.

Life has changed drastically.

Wyatt, my beautiful IVF rainbow baby, is now almost 23 months old.

And I’m just over 9 weeks pregnant.

Shocking. I know. 

I should have seen it coming. I had so many signs from the universe.

Deep down, I believed it was possible. I longed for it to happen.

But…

My conscious mind didn’t want to go there. I was protecting my heart after many agonizing years of trying to have a child. It was safer to believe it couldn’t happen.

On August 3rd when I took a pregnancy test, I was shocked to see two lines. I actually think I was in literal shock for over 48 hours.

It was difficult navigating the health care system as an (in)fertile who conceived spontaneously. My fertility clinic told me to go to my family doctor. The family doctor didn’t believe that I ovulated when I thought I did, obviously late in the cycle due to breastfeeding.

Why can’t we trust a mother’s intuition? Why don’t doctor’s believe that a woman can know her body? 

They booked me in for a much-too-early scan which just created fear and anxiety.

We were even earlier along than we thought.

I found it ironic that I had tested on the first probable day I could have gotten a faint positive.

We waited for our next scan just before 7 weeks and saw a heartbeat.

Relief, but the fear still needs to be tamed. 

If we are blessed to receive this gift, are we destined to keep it?

My heart, my body, my soul – all say yes.

One day at a time, Lindsey.

 

Welcome… thanks for stopping by!

I bet you are either:

1. Trying to conceive
2. Experiencing or grieving a pregnancy loss
3. Entering the phase of parenting after infertility/loss

Some days are harder than others. Often the light at the end of the tunnel seems unreachable.

But, I’m here to tell you: YOU CAN DO THIS.

The fact that you found my little corner of the world wide web proves to me that you WANT to move forward. We can’t predict what the outcome of our struggles will be, but I guarantee you are on the right path. You landed here which shows you are empowering yourself with information and connection.

Information will allow you to advocate for yourself and make informed choices. Connection will remind you that all those thoughts that run through your head, all those emotions that overwhelm you, and all of the challenges that lie ahead are COMMON (as much as we all wish they weren’t).

I’ve been there. I get it.

As you read my story, you will see that I made it through.

I’m beyond blessed to be a Momma to our beautiful Angel Emme, and my vivacious earthly son Wyatt. I believe there may be another soul (or two) waiting in the wings for the right opportunity to join us. But, much like you, I have NO CLUE what the next leg of my journey looks like.

I’m currently taking a hiatus from Awaiting Autumn.

Right now, I’m not awaiting anything.

Being a mother, a wife, a friend, an entrepreneur, and a volunteer in my local fertility community is where my focus is these days. My words are flowing, just not on these pages.

I’d glad you found me though. And I hope you leave with a lesson or two to comfort you.

Welcome to my story – a journey through unexplained infertility, ectopic pregnancy loss, and into motherhood.

To be continued… 

 

The floodgates have opened

I was feeling nauseous. It had been all day – on and off.

I described it as like when I was pregnant.

Why, oh why did I make that comparison? 

He got excited.

I told him to slow down. We had JUST had sex a few days ago.

He commented that we also did it 2 weeks ago to be exact.

Isn’t it ironic that he remembers better than I do now? 

He asked if I had taken a test.

I didn’t have any.

He offered to pick some up on his way home.

An hour later, I started puking and the fever set in.

I texted him to forget about the tests. It was only the flu.

I couldn’t help but feel a sense of sorrow.

That spark of excitement at the possibility of a miracle pregnancy had been ignited. And just as fast as it was lit, it burnt out again.

I told him I was sorry.

I didn’t realize how stupid and naive I would feel thinking that we could possibly be pregnant…

I didn’t realize it would catch me so off guard.

The floodgates have opened.

The possibility and hope for another child has been brought to the forefront of our minds.

Or maybe it just never really went away? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The relay of bereaved motherhood

I heard from an old hometown friend tonight. The last time we connected it was about cloth diapering just after my son was born. 

I always enjoy when someone reaches out after years of non-contact and you are able to bond over life experiences –  except for times like this. 

Tonight, her tone was rushed and anxious. She wondered if I knew how long it took to recover from a miscarriage. She had just experienced one at almost 6 weeks pregnant and wasn’t feeling normal. 

How do I explain to her that you will never feel normal again? 

How do I tell her that your womb will always seem dark and your heart will remain broken? 

She had noticed the posts I share on social media about infertility and loss. She wondered if I could recommend any resources that had helped me. 

Where do I even start? 

I linked her to Standing Still, Unspoken Grief and my personal fav, A Bed for My Heart. 

I told her to trust her intuition and speak to her doctor if she still isn’t feeling right. 

I let her know that the physical recovery would happen much quicker than the emotional recovery. 
Geez. How does one even find the words to describe lifelong loss? 

Finally, I told her that she could reach out at any time. I’m here if she wants to talk about it. 

Because really that’s what we all needed… 

Someone to listen. 

Someone to reassure us. 

Someone to remind us that we aren’t alone. 

I never wanted to become that someone, but I’ll carry the torch proudly and teach her what she needs to know for when it’s her turn to pass it along. ❤

The end of the first year

I must admit it. I’ve been horrible at writing since I returned to work. Being a mompreneur means that – for now – my blog has dropped in priority. Here I am for a long overdue update.

I can hardly believe that Wyatt is 14 months old. We successfully made it through the first year. He’s developed into such a caring, inquisitive, intelligent, affectionate toddler. His personality is so strong. I often joke he’s way more of an extrovert than I am, but he still loves his snuggles and down time when we are alone at home.

He’s really thriving at daycare; although, he’s barely been there this month. We went to Florida for a week earlier in December with my brother and his family. Then, my husband and I both took some time off over the Christmas holidays.

I hosted Christmas supper this year with my in-laws which was better than I expected. I really made an effort to focus on the kids. Wyatt (kinda) learned to open presents, but was way more excited to watch his cousins open theirs.

I really realized this holiday season that I miss my family. Tremendously. I wish my parents could have seen more of my son throughout the first year of his life. We’ve started facetime-ing with them a bit more often. My Mom works crazy hours though and she doesn’t get to see Wyatt as often as my Dad does. He made strange with her on Christmas morning and it just broke my heart.

We really enjoyed vacation with my brother though. I want to make an effort to visit my family more often each year.

Guess what? Come on this is an easy one… we are still breastfeeding, co-sleeping and cloth diapering. We might try to transition Wyatt onto milk at daycare and his toddler bed for naps (he hated the crib, so we converted it the other day). We aren’t really in a rush. We keep chatting about it, but haven’t actively pursued either yet.

As for me, I’m still working on getting clear as to what it is I’m destined to do for my career. I’ve been successfully freelancing and consulting since September. I have a few opportunities in front of me. I’m trying my best to listen to my intuition on which one lights me up and fits our family needs.

Going through infertility, loosing a baby, birthing a beautiful rainbow baby and watching him grow over this past year has given me a new perspective on life. I spent so many years angry, resentful, ashamed, hurt, grieving and feeling guilty. Infertility and loss will always be a part of our life – a part of our story – but I’m not willing to let the darkness overcome me. I will go with the ebbs and the flows of my feelings, but my son deserves to live in a home full of light.

I’ve decided my word for the year 2017 is CREATE… and I plan to create a life full of happiness, love, joy, and passion.

Happy Holidays & all the best to you in 2017.

XOXO

Lindsey

 

 

 

12 month update

Well… since Wyatt is 13 months old in 5 days, I’d say this update is LONG OVERDUE!

I’ve been so disconnected from WordPress lately. For those of you who I have on Facebook or Instagram, I try to keep up on there. Turns out, chasing after a toddler and running my own business take up WAY MORE time than I anticipated.

I considered whether it was the end of Awaiting Autumn, but I don’t feel like I’m ready to make that decision. I still have A LOT to say about infertility and pregnancy loss. I’d like to keep this going… for now, at least.

Wyatt’s now been in daycare for well over 2 months. Some days he’s there for a full 8 hours, other days it’s only a half day or so. I try to keep him home with me one day a week if I can fit it in. He absolutely loves daycare and all his friends. He’s adjusted so well.

Turns out, my kid is WAY MORE extroverted than both my husband and I. We joke that we can’t believe how much energy he has sometimes. Mike is quickly learning that coming home from work no longer means downtime.

My social butterfly is doing well with other kids. I noticed how much daycare has changed him when his one little friend came over for a playdate. Wyatt basically went up to him and gave him a hug. Before starting daycare, he was much more apprehensive about other kids.  He totally loves being around people, but sometimes needs his quiet time too. The daycare ladies have told me that he doesn’t like it when other kids are upset or if it’s too loud after his nap time. I joke this is his sensitive nature coming out.

The sickness trend continues. Wyatt’s been sick every other week since starting daycare. Last week was pink eye. I’ve never been so sick myself. I know I need to focus on self care a bit more (translation: not working late nights) to ensure I keep us both healthy.

Wyatt started taking steps about a month ago. He’s not walking all the time yet, but he definitely is walking unassisted. He’s so proud of himself for learning how to do it.

He’s also turned into a major bookworm. His favourite activity is reading. He has books in our bedroom, the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the car – basically everywhere. The first thing he does every morning is reach for a book. It warms my heart to see him  so engaged in reading. He would rather read a book than watch tv.  If he’s having a bad day or I REALLY need to get something done, I’ll sometimes stream Sesame Street for him.

He’s also talking quite a bit more. His vocabulary includes, “Mama, Dada, Max, Bella, Buh-bye, Uh-oh, What, Yeah..” and he makes a few animal sounds, like “Baaa, Mooo, Eeekeek (monkey).” He also blows kisses which is something daycare taught him. ❤

Guess what? We are still co-sleeping, cloth diapering and breastfeeding (bet you didn’t see that one coming – haha!). I am doing good at keeping up with pumped bottles for daycare, so we haven’t done any transition to milk yet.

I miss my little baby. I often look at photos of Wyatt when he was fresh and wish I could hold him like that again. But, I’m amazed at the smart, caring and sensitive little boy he’s becoming.

As for me, I’m good. Life is crazy right now. I’m working on finding balance. It’s been an enlightening process running my own business.These days I’m focused on clarity, intention and boundaries. I’m learning a lot – especially how to trust in the flow of life . That sense of trust is definitely something I acquired after facing infertility.  My type A personality has shifted.

I’m also living more in the moment. We spent so long – so many years – focused on trying to get our baby here. I want to soak up these moments before we blink and he’s all grown up. We booked a family vacation next month to Florida. We’re meeting my brother and his family there. Wyatt will get to play with his cousins and we can visit with some of my husband’s family who live nearby as well. I’ve never taken a trip like this – especially not one that was booked so spontaneously. It feels great to know I can do this and that I can set my own schedule to make it happen.

Life is good. I am so blessed. ❤

 

 

And some things stay the same…

I still frequently go to acupuncture. My acupuncturist is an amazing woman who has helped me on so many levels beyond just fertility. 

Today at my appointment, I told her that I’ve just been exhausted lately. I attributed it to staying up past midnight for a week straight, being the Mom of a one year old, running my own business, the change in seasons and you know, the full moon. 

She asked if there was a possibility I could be pregnant. 

I told her there was a chance –  isn’t there always when you aren’t using birth control? – but it was like a 0.01% chance.

 My gut said not pregnant. 

Well… 

Curiosity always gets the best of me. 

I dug around in the bathroom cupboard and found an ultra sensitive pregnancy test. You know one of ones from my ectopic days that literally detect anything. It was even expired. 

I peed on it anyway. 

Do you get where this is going? 

I ain’t no magical unicorn. I’m just a regular (in)fertile woman who can’t resist the urge to POAS. 

I still don’t have my period one year postpartum due to breastfeeding. I clearly need to get to bed earlier and listen to my gut. 

Whomp. Whomp. Whomp. 

Hi single red line! I didn’t miss you, you little bitch. 

The Grief of What Could Have Been

An amazing piece by the amazing Justine… Please take the time to watch and listen as we move into Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day tomorrow . I guarantee at least one part will resonate with you. ❤

Source: The Grief of What Could Have Been

Film & Photography Project: This is Miscarriage

This morning, my Dad called. He mentioned how it was my Uncle’s birthday.

I asked if he remembered what else today was. He claimed he couldn’t remember.

It was awkward until he finally caved and said,

“I know this is the day you lost the baby. I didn’t want to bring it up and upset you.”

 I told him that it NEVER upsets me to hear you mention my baby. It is a blessing to know that you remember her too.

And that is WHY I am so vocal about my loss.

My own family can’t even get how to deal with it. 

Two years ago today, we lost our first baby due to an ectopic pregnancy. ❤

My life will never be the same. There’s a ache and a longing in my heart, but I’ve transformed through my grief. I’ve found my voice and I’m passionate about helping other women through their struggle.

 This month, I am a part of a local film project called, “This is Miscarriage.” It’s based on a poem written by a woman named Laura after her 3rd loss. It features the stories of 10 women – including myself – who experienced pregnancy loss.

Even though each of our stories is unique, the emotions we’ve felt along the way are common.  There is a sense of understanding and compassion that is so strong among bereaved Mothers.

I’m proud to join hands within the baby loss community. These women are some of the the strongest I’ve ever met.

Stay tuned… I’ll share the video once it goes live!  

11 month update

Ugh, folks… I have an 11 MONTH OLD! We are one month away from toddler status.
This month, Wyatt…

• Has been going to daycare part-time for 6 weeks
• Has been sick for 3 out of the past 6 weeks – bad cold, fever, croup. Did I mention I love daycare germs?
• Loves the swings at the park and reading books
• Waves goodbye and gives high fives
• Is (almost) standing on his own unassisted
• Gets himself down from the bed or the couch
• Can crawl up and down the stairs
• Absolutely loves making music! We have daily jam sessions with his shakers, drum and xylophone.
• Has become a bit of a Daddy’s boy
• Is still co-sleeping, breastfeeding and in cloth diapers

This past month, Mommy…

• Has been transitioning back to work – self employed this time! 
• Is learning that working from home with a baby is HARD – especially when he is sick
• Is feeling the feels as her baby boy doesn’t need her as much anymore.
• Participated in a film project about miscarriage. I really hope I can share it with you when it’s done!