Last night Two nights ago, I went to a Sacred Soul Circle. At this event, 8 women gathered for a soul healing session led by an ah-ma-zing facilitator (the same one who is doing my writing workshop).
During the session, the facilitator tunes into each person’s energy to give a guided meditation of what messages their soul desires to communicate. It’s basically a 3-hour meditation session. Although each person’s session is unique, the group shares in the experience. There were many synchronicities between my life and the other women’s. I could relate to each person’s experience in one way or another.
I won’t give all of the details of my session except for the part when my babies joined me. They appeared as I stood on the edge of a burning forest. They told me they would help heal my heart and place each one of their little hands over it. A big rain cloud appeared and extinguished the burning forest. My babies told me they will always be with me, but I need to continue living my life until they come.
In the end, my main theme from the session was: SURRENDER TO THE STORM.
My conscious side over analyzes this: Which storm? Past heartache? Family issues? The storm of infertility?
Right now, I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that my biggest (in)fertility battle has been between spirituality and science.
My spiritual side tells me:
- We will have two children: a girl, then a boy
- They are waiting patiently for their time to come
- They are always with me
- My Aunt watches over them
- I need to continue living my life before they get here
- Perhaps there are more lessons for me to learn before they arrive?
Science tells me:
- I’m young enough
- My odds are decent
- Our timing is close to bang on (no pun intended)
- Our tests have all come back “fine” as the doctors would say
- Our case is unexplained
- I CAN conceive a baby … somehow with enough persistence and $$$
This struggle is what leaves me in despair. Do I trust science? Believe in the probability? Or am I content with believing we will conceive when we are meant to?
Why are we 1 of 8 couples who are faced with (in)fertility?
I don’t know.
For a while now, I’ve tossed the idea of knowing back and forth in my head. Does it really matter if I find out WHY we haven’t been able to conceive yet – scientifically or spiritually? Shouldn’t it just matter that we DO conceive?
I’ve decided to let it go.
I will trust in the process either which way it unfolds.The clarity of the message will come to me when it needs to.
Until then, I’ll keep picturing two tiny little hands imprinted onto my aching heart.
Awaiting Autumn 