Spirituality vs. Science: an on-going battle within an (in)fertile mind

Last night Two nights ago, I went to a Sacred Soul Circle. At this event, 8 women gathered for a soul healing session led by an ah-ma-zing facilitator (the same one who is doing my writing workshop).

During the session, the facilitator tunes into each person’s energy to give a guided meditation of what messages their soul desires to communicate. It’s basically a 3-hour meditation session. Although each person’s session is unique, the group shares in the experience. There were many synchronicities between my life and the other women’s. I could relate to each person’s experience in one way or another.

I won’t give all of the details of my session except for the part when my babies joined me. They appeared as I stood on the edge of a burning forest. They told me they would help heal my heart and place each one of their little hands over it. A big rain cloud appeared and extinguished the burning forest. My babies told me they will always be with me, but I need to continue living my life until they come.

In the end, my main theme from the session was: SURRENDER TO THE STORM.

My conscious side over analyzes this: Which storm? Past heartache? Family issues? The storm of infertility?

Right now, I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know that my biggest (in)fertility battle has been between spirituality and science.

My spiritual side tells me:

  • We will have two children: a girl, then a boy
  • They are waiting patiently for their time to come
  • They are always with me
  • My Aunt watches over them
  • I need to continue living my life before they get here
  • Perhaps there are more lessons for me to learn before they arrive?

Science tells me:

  • I’m young enough
  • My odds are decent
  • Our timing is close to bang on (no pun intended)
  • Our tests have all come back “fine” as the doctors would say
  • Our case is unexplained
  • I CAN conceive a baby … somehow with enough persistence and $$$

This struggle is what leaves me in despair. Do I trust science? Believe in the probability? Or am I content with believing we will conceive when we are meant to?

Why are we 1 of 8 couples who are faced with (in)fertility?

I don’t know. 

For a while now, I’ve tossed the idea of knowing back and forth in my head. Does it really matter if I find out WHY we haven’t been able to conceive yet – scientifically or spiritually? Shouldn’t it just matter that we DO conceive? 

I’ve decided to let it go.

I will trust in the process either which way it unfolds.The clarity of the message will come to me when it needs to.

Until then, I’ll keep picturing two tiny little hands imprinted onto my aching heart.

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8 thoughts on “Spirituality vs. Science: an on-going battle within an (in)fertile mind

  1. I have struggled with this as well- it’s so hard to know what path to take. I also believed with all of my heart (and still do) that I would be a mother, I just didn’t know what was best- to wait and hope that it will happen naturally, or to listen to the Dr when they said our chances on our own are 2%. It’s been a difficult balance for me to trust in Gods plans for a family when the Dr says contrary things. I like that you’ve been given reassurance that you’ll have a boy and girl and that your Aunt is watching out for them right now- that’s really special. Praying for you!

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  2. I sense a storm around you now. A storm of emotion and uncertainty at minimum. Emerging from this may bring clarity. But what resounds for me in this beautiful post is your children’s message to you to have faith in them, in you, and in their plan to join you when the time comes. What a spectacular gift they have given you. I can’t want for you to meet them in the flesh.

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  3. So, I have to tell you.. I read this post right before I went to sleep last night, so I didn’t comment, but that didn’t stop me from overanalyzing it. I had a dream last night about a storm cloud- it was huge and my husband and I kept running and running to escape it. In the dream we finally fell to our knees- cried- and curled up into a ball with our hands over our heads waiting for the tornado or whatever it was that was following us- only it never came and everything was fine.

    I can’t help but think I had that dream because I read your post last night. I so struggle with this too. Should I just surrender and trust what I know in my heart? I know this storm will end. I just believe that. I can’t tell you why, I just do. Also the meditating sounds like it was super good for the soul.

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    • Wow. What a dream! In my meditation, I wouldn’t go into the storm. I refused. I just watched it happened. My soul was represented by a white horse. The horse went into the storm and came back out when it was over. I think that signifies that as much as we try to avoid it, we can’t. We must surrender because it affects us whether we admit it or not. And my soul returning after the storm must signify the trust. The horse was fine upon return. I agree with you – the storm will end. We just have to bear with it until then. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. Much love. 🙂

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  4. This is a truly powerful meditation. I have no doubt that, although there will be a struggle, you will indeed have your little ones. My hope is that this will be sooner than later. I am thinking of you, doll, and I have no doubt that you are both strong enough for this storm.

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  5. According to science, there is no reason why I should be struggling with infertility…so frustrating! Also, I know this is random, but I wanted to let you know I just nominated you for a Liebster Award. I outlined how it works on my blog. I know that it takes a little bit of time to respond so if you don’t, I totally understand. I nominated you because I always find your posts very informative and I love how you can bring sexy back to infertility.

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