A fresh start for 2015

Years before we ever conceived,  I always knew our first baby was a girl. Ever since we lost baby Emme, I’ve felt a male presence when I think of trying to conceive again. At first, this was devastating. I had connected with my baby girl many times. I just couldn’t fathom the thought of giving her up. Over the past two months, I’ve accepted that she is and will always be our first baby girl. Now, it’s time to make room for another little soul to join us.

We have a designated baby room. It’s currently set up as a guest room with a dresser and a double bed. However, the closet is full of baby treasures I collected during our first year or so of trying to conceive. Like every naive (in)fertile, I thought purchasing baby items would help set our intention to conceive. We have a few bigger items that are gender neutral. However, I would randomly buy a cute blanket, hat or little girl’s outfit when I found one that pulled extra hard at my heartstrings.

I never thought about what would happen if we lost our baby girl.

This morning, I had a strong urge to clean up the baby room. I found appropriate homes for any misplaced junk, then turned my attention to the closet. I just felt that it was time to pack away the little girl things and leave the room gender neutral for our next child.

I packed all of the girly stuff into a box (Yes, that includes 3 different t-shirts that feature chihuahuas on them). Then, I placed my treasured pregnancy test and our ultrasound photo from embryo transfer day on top.

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This wasn’t easy. I bawled as I packed each item away. To me, this experience signified an acceptance of our loss and a willingness to move forward.

I wrote “Baby Emme” on the front of the box. My husband put the it in our storage room downstairs.

Once the room was tidy, I smudged it to clear out the stale energy. I meditated on the bed and set the intention of welcoming our next baby into my womb in 2015.

If we do have a girl, I plan to pull the box out and use the items. Until then, I’m open to the Universe delivering me whatever gender of baby we are destined to have. Even if I am 75% convinced, he will be a boy. 

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12 thoughts on “A fresh start for 2015

  1. I have a box like that too. Although it doesn’t have a lot baby clothes (just a few) but it does have the maternity clothes, ultrasound images, my baby journal, etc. It was, as you said, so hard packing it up, and I cried too. But I know it’s still here in my house and from time to time I do go look at the ultrasound photos to remind myself that yes – I was pregnant twice and it wasn’t a dream.
    Anyway, I will send a wish up for a wonderful fresh start for you in 2015. I think this new year holds a lot of hope and promise for a lot of people (myself included, hopefully!)

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  2. I know how hard this must have been for you, and I’m both sorry, and at the same time proud of you. I’m glad that you’re feeling ready to move forward. I wished that I had been given an ultrasound picture, at least at the first one, but the radiologist said it was pointless to give me one because it only showed the sac and nothing else. I did throw away my positive test out of anger one day, and now I kinda wish I hadn’t. Hopefully next year will be a better year for everyone!

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  3. I’m so sorry you’ve had to pack away your baby things, I really am. But lovely to hear that you meditated and brought some positive energy for 2015. I honestly don’t know how we all keep going after losses – it’s so incredibly cruel and unfair and it takes away so much of the joy of life, it really does.

    I’m hoping that 2015 truly is your year. Lots of love xx

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  4. Pingback: Full moon practices for affirming and releasing | Awaiting Autumn

  5. Pingback: Unpacking the box | Awaiting Autumn

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