Years before we ever conceived, I always knew our first baby was a girl. Ever since we lost baby Emme, I’ve felt a male presence when I think of trying to conceive again. At first, this was devastating. I had connected with my baby girl many times. I just couldn’t fathom the thought of giving her up. Over the past two months, I’ve accepted that she is and will always be our first baby girl. Now, it’s time to make room for another little soul to join us.
We have a designated baby room. It’s currently set up as a guest room with a dresser and a double bed. However, the closet is full of baby treasures I collected during our first year or so of trying to conceive. Like every naive (in)fertile, I thought purchasing baby items would help set our intention to conceive. We have a few bigger items that are gender neutral. However, I would randomly buy a cute blanket, hat or little girl’s outfit when I found one that pulled extra hard at my heartstrings.
I never thought about what would happen if we lost our baby girl.
This morning, I had a strong urge to clean up the baby room. I found appropriate homes for any misplaced junk, then turned my attention to the closet. I just felt that it was time to pack away the little girl things and leave the room gender neutral for our next child.
I packed all of the girly stuff into a box (Yes, that includes 3 different t-shirts that feature chihuahuas on them). Then, I placed my treasured pregnancy test and our ultrasound photo from embryo transfer day on top.
This wasn’t easy. I bawled as I packed each item away. To me, this experience signified an acceptance of our loss and a willingness to move forward.
I wrote “Baby Emme” on the front of the box. My husband put the it in our storage room downstairs.
Once the room was tidy, I smudged it to clear out the stale energy. I meditated on the bed and set the intention of welcoming our next baby into my womb in 2015.
If we do have a girl, I plan to pull the box out and use the items. Until then, I’m open to the Universe delivering me whatever gender of baby we are destined to have. Even if I am 75% convinced, he will be a boy.