I’ve been avoiding my mother-in-law all week. Honestly, I rarely talk to her more than 2-3x a month, but I did say I would call her earlier this week.
From not taking good care of our fur-babies and our house when we were gone for IVF…
to not coming by at all until I lost the baby…
to barely calling since then…
I’ve just had enough with her lack of support. She doesn’t seem to “get” it and I don’t think I will ever get through to her.
When we got home from our IVF cycle, I discovered that she had been sharing personal details with her close friends about our cycle (i.e embryo updates, how sick I was feeling, etc). I felt like she violated my privacy and my trust by relaying this information to people I never would have told on my own. We were not secretive about the fact that we were away for IVF, but we also were not open about specific details except with our parents and on this blog (which only a handful of my non-infertility friends have access to). My husband and I both scolded her; and told her it was our story to share, not hers.
Before I left the hospital following our loss, I told her she could go ahead and let everyone know what happened.
She replied with, “No, we can keep it a secret for now“.
I told her, “There is no secret. I had surgery. We lost the baby.”
Ugh. She just doesn’t understand when things are appropriate and when they are not.
Anyway, some extended family is getting together the weekend after Christmas to take the kids swimming and water sliding at a local hotel. My MIL mentioned it to us immediately when I got out of the hospital. We told her we weren’t sure if we would attend (as clearly we had more important things on our mind), but asked her to give us more details at a later date.
Turns out, she told the extended family that we wouldn’t be attending because of our fertility treatments. SAY WHAT?!?!
The facts are:
- We are NOT doing treatment in December
- We both could go swimming if we wanted
- We were not given any more details
- Up until last week, she had no clue when we were going for our FET
- She told a lie
I guess I can appreciate the fact that maybe she was trying to save us from an experience that clearly highlights our lack of children. I am upset that she chose to make that decision without actually consulting us.
So now, I’m avoiding her because I don’t know what to say. I contemplated crying my heart out to her and telling her exactly how this loss has affected me and how much fear I have for our upcoming FET. Then, I figured my personal feelings would be broadcast all over my husband’s home town. Not worth it.
Up until the past few days, only our parents and my brother knew that we were going back in January. Since then, I’ve told a few close friends. Instead of telling my work, I’ve just booked a tentative week off.
I don’t plan on sharing much information about our FET with anyone except those who have been there for us during our loss. I know this perspective might change if I gain a more positive outlook, but I am afraid of facing another loss and being left even more alone.
How would you explain this to my mother-in-law? What would you say to that extended family if they ask any questions?