I don’t know what cycle day it is. Somewhere pre-ovulation.
This is the first month in probably a year that I honestly don’t know the exact date of my cycle.
Is that freedom?
I’m going through a period of withdrawal and avoidance.
I don’t want to be around kids, at least not any under the age of 3.
I don’t want to hear stories about babies.
I don’t want to see photos of their smiling faces.
I don’t want my girlfriends to bring their kids over if they can’t find a sitter.
I’d rather be alone – except all I want to do is go out and have fun. Fun as it was defined BEFORE we started trying to conceive.
I started having a few drinks a week (compared to only a couple each month for the past 6 months). I snuck in a cigarette or two. I stayed out extra late, but the laughs and conversation were worth it.
After each beer I have, I remind myself that I don’t so much enjoy it. I mean everyone loves a few drinks to take the edge off, but I end up dehydrated with a restless sleep and more worries than it’s worth.
Alcohol has always envoked a sense of wanting to run away. I’m stronger and more confident without it. Ironic – isn’t it? Or is that just what I’ve convinced myself to believe because the alcohol always brings up the hurt that I’ve tried so hard to
let go hide?
Last week, I met with my doctor to get a referral for the new clinic. After our visit, I realized it’s been 14 months since we first met with her to start the process of fertility testing, referrals and treatment.
14 months with no success – on top of the 9 months we tried before we went to the doctor.
23 months doesn’t seem THAT long in the grand scheme of things. I know there are many couples who have endured much longer than us.
But, 23 months is hard when you were prepared. You were willing. You were ready.
And now, you aren’t so sure. You second guess everything. What is the right path for you?
I’ve been avoiding the paperwork for our consult with the new clinic. I told myself I HAVE to get it done this week.
Deep down, I still long to conceive naturally.
Am I lacking acceptance?
Or is this just another ego-trip? Self-destruction through re-direction.
Everything in my life seems a bit out of balance.
I desire change.