Fear & loathing in (in)fertile madness

I don’t know what cycle day it is. Somewhere pre-ovulation.

This is the first month in probably a year that I honestly don’t know the exact date of my cycle.

Is that freedom?

I’m going through a period of withdrawal and avoidance.

I don’t want to be around kids, at least not any under the age of 3.

I don’t want to hear stories about babies.

I don’t want to see photos of their smiling faces.

I don’t want my girlfriends to bring their kids over if they can’t find a sitter.

I’d rather be alone – except all I want to do is go out and have fun. Fun as it was defined BEFORE we started trying to conceive.

I started having a few drinks a week (compared to only a couple each month for the past 6 months). I snuck in a cigarette or two. I stayed out extra late, but the laughs and conversation were worth it.

After each beer I have, I remind myself that I don’t so much enjoy it. I mean everyone loves a few drinks to take the edge off, but I end up dehydrated with a restless sleep and more worries than it’s worth.

Alcohol has always envoked a sense of wanting to run away. I’m stronger and more confident without it. Ironic – isn’t it? Or is that just what I’ve convinced myself to believe because the alcohol always brings up the hurt that I’ve tried so hard to let go hide? 

Last week, I met with my doctor to get a referral for the new clinic. After our visit, I realized it’s been 14 months since we first met with her to start the process of fertility testing, referrals and treatment.

14 months with no success – on top of the 9 months we tried before we went to the doctor.

23 months doesn’t seem THAT long in the grand scheme of things. I know there are many couples who have endured much longer than us.

But, 23 months is hard when you were prepared. You were willing. You were ready.

And now, you aren’t so sure. You second guess everything. What is the right path for you?

I’ve been avoiding the paperwork for our consult with the new clinic. I told myself I HAVE to get it done this week.

Deep down, I still long to conceive naturally.

Am I lacking acceptance?

Or is this just another ego-trip? Self-destruction through re-direction.

Who knows?

Everything in my life seems a bit out of balance.

I desire change.

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24 thoughts on “Fear & loathing in (in)fertile madness

  1. Sweet lady, I’m always thinking of you both! I am glad this is some respite from all the IF madness, but I also am hoping this will give you the recharging you need. And I get the change thing…I go through that all the time and usually have to do something drastic to my hair to at least placate the urge. Take it easy, love.

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  2. I am sorry you’re feeling a little out of sorts or stuck in procrasti-limbo. I bet most if not all of us who have gone through IVF feel as you described – “but why? I want to do this naturally.” I know I did. It’s a whole new layer of grieving – there’s grieving the BFNs or the losses and now there is grieving the need to move on to total intervention. I’m glad you have time to digest and hopefully feel more grounded during this time off. Sorry that’s the best I’ve got. Sending a big hug.

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  3. You know, I just had my breaking point too and we are going to try naturally. I have NO idea if it’ll work, but I feel better about everything. Whatever you do make sure you take care of yourself. We’ve been at it 23 months too and it’s really taking a toll. 2 years is hard. Hugs.

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  4. We’re dealing with a vasectomy so there’s no chance of us trying naturally and IVF is the only option, but still I find myself going in fits and starts when it comes to paperwork and starting the next phase of treatment. I want this more than anything, but there seems to be a part of me deep down that wants to just be normal for a little while longer before the hormones and stress start again. I think it’s just self-preservation that kicks in. You deserve a break. You deserve a beer. You even deserve a damn cigarette. You deserve to remember what it feels like to be normal again before you launch into the next cycle.

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  5. Be nice to yourself. Your such a wonderful person and deserve to conceive a child of your own. However, I do think you need to be realistic about it happening “naturaly” and look into options with an open heart and mind. Your not going to care how your baby got to you once it’s in your arms.

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  6. I feel more down than usual lately too. We are almost the same as you as we are in our 26th month now. I think it is worse now because I got so used to expecting things to be negative and now have renewed hope since DH’s surgery was successful. Don’t get me wrong I am happy it worked but I find I am thinking about it a lot more now!

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  7. I hear ya. I’m right behind you at 22 months and trying not to fall apart at the seams. By the time we finish an ivf cycle (so long as everything goes well) we’ll be at 2 years. I toggle from being just happy to be about to start IVF to being pissed off that it’s come to this. I agree with what a lot of people above have said, when it happens it won’t matter how it happened. But right now it’s infuriatingly unfair. Enjoy the summer!

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