A rant about making babies on vacation

Twice in the past two weeks, I’ve had people say to me, “We hope to make Baby #2 on our upcoming vacation“.

WTF.

Why do fertiles always think that it’s THAT easy?

Both of these couples did get pregnant with Baby #1 their first month trying, but still…

I highly doubt either one understands the ovulation process.

There’s no guarantee their vacations will fall during prime fertile time.

And why would you feel the need to proclaim your initiation into the second round of baby making??? ESPECIALLY to (in)fertile me!!!!

I always hope for the best when anyone is trying to conceive, but it’s statements like this that add to the stigma around relaxation being a key component for fertility.

I get that a calm, serene environment can be perfect for conception, but the only vacation I’ll be making a baby on is the trip to my fertility clinic… and that’s hardly a vacation.

So next time you are thinking of taking a vacation to conceive your child, FUCK OFF and keep it to yourself.

Thank you. ūüôā

/endrant

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Dealing with insensitive (in)fertility comments

Yesterday, I had a mini-meltdown after my husband’s Aunt asked me how things were going¬†and then proceeded to give me her opinion (or observations as she put it) about our fertility situation.

I defended myself over and over again until I broke down into tears and my husband told his Aunt to drop the conversation.

As I went over the conversation in my head later on, I found myself having to remind myself of the following (in)fertility facts.

1.¬†Relaxation may help the process, but it’s not the main reason why you haven’t conceived or carried a baby to term.¬†

“Just relax”. Those are fighting words. Straight up.

Resolve.org¬†has the best response to this statement: Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile.

2. A vacation may help to ease your mind and give you some time to reconnect with your spouse, but you are not guaranteed to come home pregnant. 

Fertility treatments eat away at finances and vacation time. Each month, we require time off for appointments and extra cash to pay for treatment and drugs.

If any fertile would like to speak to my boss about paid time off and donate a nice all expenses paid trip¬†to¬†us, I’d be more than willing to test our their ridiculous¬†theory that vacations = babies.

We’ve taken many vacations throughout our journey, but¬†that¬†hasn’t¬†changed where we are at today: still (in)fertile.

Since my husband and I are going out of province for our upcoming IVF cycle, we are actually considering it a vacation of sorts.

3. Minimizing the situation or offering your fertile (meaning unsubstantiated) advice is not supporting us on our journey. 

I can handle when a fertile shares a hopeful story of a friend who conceived via fertility treatment.

I can’t handle when someone offers advice that doesn’t make any sense at all!

Example: “Maybe you should stop acupuncture? Going to all of those appointments must just cause you more stress”.

Couples going through fertility treatments have a ton of appointments and a very strict schedule: follicle scans, pills, needles, egg retrievals, transfers, blood work, etc.

You may think that adding an extra appointment for acupuncture or yoga here and there may create more stress, but these activities are known to reduce stress and compliment fertility treatments.

I do my best to¬†follow¬†our doctor’s recommendations. I wouldn’t be doing anything that decreased my chances of conceiving. I know myself, my body and my limitations. If something is too much for me, I’ll make the decision to cut it.¬†Thanks for your opinion, but that decision is not yours to make.¬†

4. (In)fertility is not¬†anyone’s fault.¬†

Throughout our journey, I’ve felt like both side of the family¬†have tried¬†to pin our unexplained diagnosis on the other half of the couple (meaning my parents thought it was my husband’s fault and his family thought¬†it was mine).

Statistics from Resolve.org show that (in)fertility cases are divided into:

  • 35% female factor
  • 35% male¬†factor
  • 20% a combination of male/female ¬†factors
  • 10% unexplained

It doesn’t matter what factor defines your diagnosis. You chose to pursue the path to parenthood.¬†As a couple, you are on this journey together.

I truly believe that anyone who faces (in)fertility ends up being a stronger person in the end. We learn to communicate better with our spouses, our friends, our family and our doctors. We become advocates for our health and wellness. We recognize our limitations, but continue to push ourselves further than we ever thought would be possible.

None of us asked to be (in)fertile. We were diagnosed with a medical condition that is beyond our control.

If you are faced with nagging, insensitive comments, or ignorance¬†from your friends or family, just remember that you don’t have to tolerate it. Your emotional well being should always be top of mind. Excuse yourself from the situation, leave the premise, tell them you don’t want to discuss it, or defend yourself and shed a few tears – like I did. Whatever you choose, just remember that there is no reason to be ashamed.

(In)fertility doesn’t define you. It’s just a part of your journey, your story, your life at this moment.

And when the going gets tough, always remember: us (in)fertiles are in this together.

Just relax they said, it will happen they said…

This week, I put together a cost comparison chart for staying at our clinic versus switching clinics and a list of pros/cons for what treatment we should do next (Just slightly Type A).

Today, I shared the list with a good friend and asked for their opinion on what we should do next on our fertility journey. ¬†My friend suggested, ‚Äúwhy not try for another year or two natural.. and then bust out the $$ to do IVF?”¬†Side note: this is the couple who got prego their first month off the pill. If I had any sense, I¬†wouldn’t¬†have asked for¬†their opinion at all. They don’t understand and I can’t expect them to.

10 day ago, after our meeting with the RE, my Mom also thought we’d magically get prego if we took a break!

Why the FUCK does EVERY FERTILE think that ‚Äúif you just take a break, it will happen!‚ÄĚ?

WTF PEOPLE! What part of infertile do you NOT understand?

The following paragraph comes from the¬†Resolve Organization’s article, Infertility Etiquette:

“Don’t Tell Them to Relax –¬†Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.” Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile….Comments such as “just relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant…¬†Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.”¬†

I believe that relaxation helps the process, but can you explain to me why we didn’t get pregnant during our vacation last July? Because everyone gets knocked up from drunk vacation sex right?

Or how about the many months I used an ovulation monitor to time everything perfectly and underwent numerous acupuncture and reiki treatments to promote relaxation? Hmmm, obviously I’m wrong in thinking that timing and proven relaxation-inducing treatments must be the answer!

Or what about the fact that I use a specific, professionally-endorsed mind/body visualization program DAILY throughout our two previous (and obviously unsuccessful) IUI cycles? Nope, I’m not concerned about my mind/body health at all!¬†

If conception is simply a matter of relaxation, we would be pregnant or even have a baby in our arms already.

Please.

Stop.

Telling. 

Me.

To.

Relax. 

Yes, fertility is stressful. Over the past couple of years, I have learned and developed many ways to balance and control my energy. Obviously it’s not always possible when I’m wacked out on fertility meds, but I do the best I can.

I don’t need my fertile friends and family to give me advice on this journey, unless I ask for their opinion specifically. And lesson learned, I won‚Äôt do that any more.

I just need them to listen to me when I need someone to talk to.

I need them to give me some positive uplifting words when I’m feeling down.

But for the next little while, I’m steering clear of the fertile population!¬†Guess that means I’m becoming a hermit. ūüôā¬†