The secrets of pregnancy

Most evenings you go bra-less because your belly is bloated and your heartburn is BAD. This is also when your nipples tend to leak.

You have peed yourself… and decided to keep the peed-in undies on. What’s the point in changing them if you are likely to do it again? 

You have the biggest bush of your life… but the thought of trimming it more than every other week is WAY too much effort right now.

Some days, you’d rather not deal with the uncomfortableness of intimacy with your husband. Yes, it’s weird when the baby moves when he puts the moves on you! 

But really, the true definition of pleasure is rotating those tight hips on your birth ball and climbing into an epsom salt bath that may be a bit hotter than your whale thermometer says it should be. 

Never in your life have you ever wanted a personal chef more than you do now.

You have gotten into the routine of brushing your teeth around noon or whenever you have to first leave the house. What’s the point of brushing them first thing in the morning when it just makes you puke? 

Your va-jay-jay leaks more than Niagara Falls… and your bed sheets display the evidence of it.

When the poop chute is blocked, you do what you gotta do. You’ve become an expert on ass suppositories and all things constipation-related.

You can never nap longer than an hour straight because if you do you have to pee and the extra bloat causes your acid reflux to kick in.

You seriously evaluate whether bending over is worth the effort. Sometimes when you drop something, you leave it for your husband to pick up later.

You thank Mother Nature for a dry season with less weeds because your flower garden is majorly neglected. You can’t bend over for long periods of time without puking acid.

As much as you enjoy feeling your baby move, you despise the days he kicks your ribs or your cervix too many times.

Even though your bump (aka the blump) is lumpy, saggy and covered in stretch marks, you’ve learned to embrace it! In fact, you kinda like it. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, but it’s growing a baby! How cool is that?

The miracle of pregnancy amazes you – even with all of its glorious side effects. Pregnancy been one of the most challenging, interesting, and exciting times of your life.