Trusting in the process

I’ve come to a big realization lately.

My thinking that our little man would arrive early was primarily driven out of fear. I wanted him to arrive early because the sooner he is earth side, the sooner he is in my arms and the sooner everything is safe.

This fear derived from years of failing to conceive, followed by a successful IVF conception which resulted in an ectopic pregnancy loss. Every time we thought we were almost there, it was taken away from us. Call it PTSD. Call it crazy. Call it whatever you want. The point is: the past few years have been emotionally traumatic.

In the infertility and pregnancy loss community, we support each other, but we also are too familiar with each other’s stories of grief and despair. It continues to fuel our own insecurities. I keep thinking back to a woman I met through a friend a year ago whose son was stillborn. She was due to be induced, but was sent home due to the labour and delivery unit being full. When she returned 48 hours later, their son had passed on.

As I made my way through the 3rd trimester, this story sat in the back of my mind. I convinced myself that my son HAD to arrive before 40 weeks. There was NO WAY he was coming late. There was NO WAY I would face what this other woman did.

In all honesty, I do believe that he will arrive safely. I can’t predict how or when – especially since I’ve turned my intuition down to protect myself during this pregnancy – but I know that he will be in my arms, crying, breathing, eating and being the little human being that we have created.

I feel very fortunate to have many friends in the medical and holistic wellness communities that I can turn to for support. Even though the old wives tales aren’t helping me to bring on my labour, I have been reassured by many friends that it’s completely normal for a first time Mom to go overdue. Since I have zero medical reason for an early induction, our local hospital would not even consider it a possibility until 10 days past my due date. That being said, I know that induction labours can be lengthy, have increased pain and also increase the risk of requiring a c-section. One of my nursing friends highly recommended I wait as long as I can before agreeing to induction.

Tomorrow afternoon, I have an OB appointment. I’ll be 41 weeks. I keep hoping my son will arrive naturally before this weekend, but I know tomorrow is an opportunity to discuss my options with my doctor. I guarantee he will do another membrane sweep and hopefully that does the trick.

My acupuncturist reminded me today that it’s ok to be happy. It’s ok to let go of the fears that have been deeply rooted in me due to past traumas and open myself up to joy and love as we bring our son into this world.

She’s right.

Sometimes when you’ve spent so long being pulled down, you almost expect something to go wrong. It’s hard to let yourself experience true happiness.

As I approach the birth of my son, I’m ready to accept it whichever way its meant to unfold. I will embrace it. I will own it. I will make it the best experience possible for my husband, my son and myself. Although there will always be fear during times of change, I will not let it steal my joy.

We’ve come so far. We’ve worked so hard to get here. We deserve it. It’s our time and I’m ready.

Motherhood awaits me.

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Overdue and over it

Today I’m 40 weeks, 4 days.

Still no baby…

I did lose my mucous plug over the weekend, but that doesn’t mean much.

I’ve been lucky to have minimal swelling during this pregnancy – even throughout the summer. Yesterday morning, I was on my feet doing some baking and cleaning in the kitchen. In the afternoon, we went for a walk at the lake. The result of both activities = I’ve officially got cankles. The swelling is starting to go down after elevating them and drinking a ton of water. I also convinced my husband to rub them and stimulate some of the acupressure induction points. This morning they looked decent, but by this evening they were swollen again.

Baby is moving well. Whenever he’s awake, I joke that he’s beating up my insides. I get a ton of cervical pressure as he moves around. A few nights ago, Bella our chihuahua was curled up against my belly and he kept kicking her. She didn’t move at all, so baby gave up. I found this quite amusing.

Tonight, I discovered my first hemorrhoid! WTF! I thought I would be able to escape without experiencing ANOTHER lovely pregnancy side effect. On that note, any suggestions for remedies? Surprisingly, it doesn’t hurt at all yet. I read that it should go away after delivery, but what else can I do?

Other than that, it’s starting to get really annoying when people ask, “No baby yet?”. I can handle, “Hey we’re thinking of you!” or “How are you feeling?” or “Hope your little guy comes soon!”. But, “No baby yet?” is the stupidest question. If he was here, we would announce it. :/

I saw my chiropractor and my acupuncturist today. I also ate an entire pineapple (core included) hoping that might help. My plan is to just take it one day at a time until my next OB appointment on Thursday. I don’t have any other practitioner appointments scheduled. If I haven’t gone into labour by the end of the week, I’ll try to get into chiro/acupuncture on Saturday.

Here’s my latest bump pic – all low and lumpy bumpy. 🙂

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Here’s a comparison from last week to this week. Note: I was wearing my Bella Band last week which tends to smooth things out and give my belly more support. You will notice a significant drop in the belly though. I’m not sure how much further this little guy can get before he’s actually making his way out my vagina.

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Please continue sending birthing vibes my way. I’m aiming to naturally go into labour before the end of the week.

Please universe! Let’s make this happen! I trust in the timing and believe everything will unveil the way it’s meant to. 

40 week OB appointment

Today, I am 40 weeks, 1 day.

I just got back from an OB appointment. He did another membrane sweep. As I expected, it was more uncomfortable this time and it lasted a lot longer than the previous time. Following the sweep, I had some pinky-red discharge, but since then it’s turned to brown. I’m also a bit crampy, but not too bad.

He estimated me at 2cm dilated, 60% effaced and baby at a station of -1.

He booked me in for my next appointment at 41 weeks, but doesn’t think I will go that long. Ughhh I really hope so. 

Following the appointment, my husband and I went for a walk around a lake in a subdivision near our house. I’ve been walking a minimum of once a day. There’s a tobogganing hill in a park near our house that I’ve been doing side squats up and down as well. We ate some spicy Thai food again this week. I also have been going to Acupuncture 2x a week and Chiro 1x a week.  More than anything else, I’ve been using my birthing ball to bounce and do hip rotations. It actually feels nice to get on there and relieve some of the pressure.

I’ve noticed I’m a lot more tired each day. I still get up to pee every hour or two all night long. Since baby got even lower this week, it’s almost harder to pee though, seems like it takes forever to come out. And even though you think you have to go, there’s barely any in there compared to what my bladder used to be capable of holding.

As for back and pelvic pain, I’m actually moving a lot better than I was when I was working. I think being more active is helping. My SPD pain is still there on my right side, but I’m learning to manage. Night time is my most uncomfortable time though. I dread climbing into bed. It’s super hard to roll over and get out of bed these days.

I’ve been experiencing false labour every night for the past 3-4 nights too. I wake up about midnight when the cramping/contractions start. Typically, I’m only up for half an hour to an hour until I can sleep through them. They are always gone by morning though. My OB said this is a good thing as my body is getting ready.

It’s just a waiting game now. I hoped the baby would arrive today to celebrate his Daddy’s birthday with him, but it looks like we will be waiting a bit longer. My OB is on-call tomorrow. It would be ideal if the baby came then as we are both comfortable with our OB (and he isn’t on call again until late next week).

But as I said before… clearly this decision is up to our little man and not us.

Please send me positive birthing vibes! ❤