I did what everyone tells you not to do

I looked.

Well,  first I lightly patted while in the tub. With just the slightest touch,  I knew it was bad.

Then today,  the public health nurse checked it for me. Before she even got close, she cringed and said, ” Oh my! That’s a LOT of swelling.

After that, I HAD to look. I’m just that kind of person.

I got a mirror and placed it on the bathroom floor. I stood over top, took a deep breath and glanced down.

She ain’t pretty.

She’s actually more comparable to horrific right now.

My poor perenium. 😦

No one recorded what degree my tear is. The public health nurse thought maybe someone had told me. I think they just wanted to spare me the graphic details.

My bum hole seems intact even though it doesn’t seem to have much control. When I gotta go,  I gotta go… And lucky me, that’s been twice since delivery.

I guess that means it must not be a 4th degree, maybe not even 3rd degree tear. The nurse couldn’t tell from all the swelling. She could barely find the stitches.

I just assumed I needed fixing up due to the episiotomy. My OB took way longer to stitch it up than I had expected though.

After looking, it’s obvious I tore to the side way beyond the small incision the doctor made to allow the forceps to enter and baby to come out.

I’ve got strict instructions from the nurse to stay off my ass (how often does someone hear that?), soak in the tub as much as possible, ice it, use perenium spray and padsicles.

I guess that’s what happens when your baby drops and engages weeks before labour begins, gets stuck in the birth canal after you push for 3 hours and then, requires a forcep delivery.

Ouchie.

Oh well…

He was worth it. ❤

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Trusting in the process

I’ve come to a big realization lately.

My thinking that our little man would arrive early was primarily driven out of fear. I wanted him to arrive early because the sooner he is earth side, the sooner he is in my arms and the sooner everything is safe.

This fear derived from years of failing to conceive, followed by a successful IVF conception which resulted in an ectopic pregnancy loss. Every time we thought we were almost there, it was taken away from us. Call it PTSD. Call it crazy. Call it whatever you want. The point is: the past few years have been emotionally traumatic.

In the infertility and pregnancy loss community, we support each other, but we also are too familiar with each other’s stories of grief and despair. It continues to fuel our own insecurities. I keep thinking back to a woman I met through a friend a year ago whose son was stillborn. She was due to be induced, but was sent home due to the labour and delivery unit being full. When she returned 48 hours later, their son had passed on.

As I made my way through the 3rd trimester, this story sat in the back of my mind. I convinced myself that my son HAD to arrive before 40 weeks. There was NO WAY he was coming late. There was NO WAY I would face what this other woman did.

In all honesty, I do believe that he will arrive safely. I can’t predict how or when – especially since I’ve turned my intuition down to protect myself during this pregnancy – but I know that he will be in my arms, crying, breathing, eating and being the little human being that we have created.

I feel very fortunate to have many friends in the medical and holistic wellness communities that I can turn to for support. Even though the old wives tales aren’t helping me to bring on my labour, I have been reassured by many friends that it’s completely normal for a first time Mom to go overdue. Since I have zero medical reason for an early induction, our local hospital would not even consider it a possibility until 10 days past my due date. That being said, I know that induction labours can be lengthy, have increased pain and also increase the risk of requiring a c-section. One of my nursing friends highly recommended I wait as long as I can before agreeing to induction.

Tomorrow afternoon, I have an OB appointment. I’ll be 41 weeks. I keep hoping my son will arrive naturally before this weekend, but I know tomorrow is an opportunity to discuss my options with my doctor. I guarantee he will do another membrane sweep and hopefully that does the trick.

My acupuncturist reminded me today that it’s ok to be happy. It’s ok to let go of the fears that have been deeply rooted in me due to past traumas and open myself up to joy and love as we bring our son into this world.

She’s right.

Sometimes when you’ve spent so long being pulled down, you almost expect something to go wrong. It’s hard to let yourself experience true happiness.

As I approach the birth of my son, I’m ready to accept it whichever way its meant to unfold. I will embrace it. I will own it. I will make it the best experience possible for my husband, my son and myself. Although there will always be fear during times of change, I will not let it steal my joy.

We’ve come so far. We’ve worked so hard to get here. We deserve it. It’s our time and I’m ready.

Motherhood awaits me.

Am I ready yet?

Am I ready for my baby to come? Physically, that answer is MORE THAN YES!

My symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD) a.k.a. public pain is horrible! I’ve just come to the conclusion it’s most likely not going away until the little man is out. I am still going for massage, chiro, physio and acupuncture. Acupuncture has proven to be the most interesting/effective technique for lessening the symptoms. My acupuncturist also practices Kyoto Hand Therapy which relates each spot on your hands to a spot on your body and is perfectly safe to use during pregnancy. I’ve got certain pressure points to massage on my hands to help with the pelvic pain. And let me tell you, it’s fascinating how sore your hand can be in a spot that relates to soreness elsewhere in the body! I’ve got a massage on Monday and I’m also hoping she can loosen my inner thigh ligaments. I’ve been stretching each night, but they are still super tight. My lower back is hit and miss. Some days, it’s super sore. Other days, it’s tolerable. That YouTube video I referenced in last week’s bumpdate is helping A LOT.

I’ve also gotten a bit of the pukes back. I’ve thrown up 3-4 times this week including a horrible episode in the middle of the night last night. I woke myself up choking on puke, then coughing and slightly peeing myself. Who said pregnancy was pretty? 

Overall, I’m just sore and slow moving. I have to keep reminding myself that it will take me at least 2x as long to do anything I want to do (i.e. grocery shopping), that I will need at least 1 pee break and potentially a snack along the way.

In terms of having things ready for baby, I’m confident we have enough to get us started. The baby room is complete. We have newborn diapers and wipes, clothing, bathing products, bottles and formula samples (if we should need them). I’m caught up on laundry. Our cleaning ladies just came on Friday. Our hospital bags are almost packed. Well, baby’s bag is packed, mine is 3/4 with a list of missing items and my husband’s is about 1/4. Today, he installed the car seat in my car and the extra base in his truck. There isn’t much else to do.

Emotionally, I’m getting there. I really wish I had gone off work at 36 weeks as I do have a feeling this little guy will arrive before 40 weeks. More than anything, I’m hoping for a few days before labour begins to relax, centre and get into a mindset to prepare myself for whatever may come. I’m not sure you can ever be 100% emotionally ready, but I’m feeling much more relaxed this week than I was a few weeks ago.

Mike keeps saying he’s super excited for the baby to get here as he wants to watch the Blue Jay’s games with him… and I won’t be able to say no if the baby is requesting it. My husband can be quite the character sometimes. 🙂

Deep down, I feel like he will arrive sometime after the full moon (Sept 27), yet before the end of mercury retrograde (October 9). We will see if my intuition is right or if I’m just anxious to meet him. ❤