I still remember

I changed my Facebook profile photo today. I got new glasses, so most people will assume that’s the reason why.

But really,  I changed it because I couldn’t bear to think that it was hurting someone else.

You see I’m an admin on our local infertility support Facebook group. A few weeks ago,  I changed my photo to one of Wyatt and I. In the moment, it seemed like the right thing to do. I was having a good hair day and a cuddle with my son.

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Since then, I cringe every time I post in the group and see my little profile icon with that image of me as a mother. I know there are so many other women in that group longing for what I have.

I just can’t do it. I can’t flaunt my transition beyond infertility even if some think my story may inspire and give hope. I know all too well that photos like that poke at the emptiness in your heart when you are longing for your own baby to cuddle.

I love my son beyond words, but that doesn’t take away the past. I know how much it used to hurt, how much it can still hurt reflecting back on where we’ve been and how far we’ve come. I know exactly how it feels for every woman in that group still waiting for their babies. And I don’t want to inflict any more suffering on them… even if a profile photo is such a subtle gesture.

For now, I’ll limit my profile photo to be a solo shot of me.  I’ll use my cover photo for the family or baby pics as it’s not so in your face.

And I’ll keep hoping and praying that each and every one of those women find joy and happiness no matter where their journey leads them. ❤

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I am a vessel for IVF success… and you can be too!

I worked with my fertility coach, Zahra Haji, leading up to our fresh IVF cycle, following our loss and during our FET. I learned so many new techniques to support my overall mind-body and spiritual heath. I truly believe that our work together helped me to conceive both times.

This upcoming Saturday, I will be joining Zahra in a webinar to share my success story. Even if parts of it make me feel vulnerable, I’m ready to share it. I’m ready to celebrate how far we’ve come.

In this FREE webinar, Zahra and I will talk about…

  • The most powerful strategies to let go of anxiety, worry and stress and actually feel peaceful during each phase of IVF
  • What you can do to stay in control of your mind and emotions during stimulation, retrieval, transfer and the two-week wait & receive the results you want
  • Why you need to put your trust and faith back into your body especially after a loss or failed cycles
  • How to get over your age and the statistics and take back your power from infertility
  • The top 3 reasons I believe ‘Becoming the Vessel for IVF Success’ helped me achieve a healthy pregnancy (18.5 weeks and counting!)
  • Plus you’ll learn how each of these steps can improve your chances of pregnancy by over 50% with IVF or FET

If you’d like some ideas for how to better support yourself and achieve IVF success, join us!

May 23, 2015 at 1pm ET (10 am PT) 

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I am never alone

I’ve always been a big believer in promoting awareness for infertility and pregnancy loss. From Day 1, I’ve been open about our journey with family, friends and even on social media.

I’ve had people say things to me like, “I think you make people feel awkward when you post about infertility. Maybe you just shouldn’t say anything?” to “You are too sensitive” in response to me being upset about inappropriate comments after the loss of our baby

In the past week, I’ve had 3 different people – 1 distant friend, 1 local friend and 1 co-worker – open up to me about their struggles with infertility. Had I not been open about our journey, who would these people have turned to?

I’ve been struggling lately accepting positivity from people who were not necessarily supportive over the past year or so. As much as it’s nice that people “hope I don’t feel sick for long” and “are so excited that we are expecting“, I shut down when they say these things to me. I’m still overcoming my fears and protecting my heart. As much as I should accept positivity from others, I have some pent up anger and frustration around how much “they don’t get it”.

Last night, I realized that I have been feeling alone lately. I’ve been silently battling pregnancy sickness, pregnancy after loss and some PTSD following years of infertility struggles. I keep telling myself that my excitement about this pregnancy will grow stronger as my belly grows and my baby begins to move.

Pregnancy and work demands have taken away my drive to write, but it’s through writing and reaching out to this online community that I realize: I am never alone.  There is always someone who has been down this path before me, who understands exactly how I’m feeling – whether that be emotionally or physically.

Whenever I am worried, confused, needing advice or even just a kind ear to listen, I can always reach out to my infertility and pregnancy loss friends. For without sharing my story, I would have never met such amazing people who are always willing to be there for you.

This was a HUGE realization for me. Sometimes we need to stop fighting the urge to make our friends and family support us, and simply turn to those who do it with such ease. ❤

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Rocking the boat to uncover my support system

As much as I am excited about our upcoming IVF journey, the past few days have not been exactly joyous. For quite a while now, I’ve felt like my parents have not been very supportive. When I talk to my Mom about our treatments, I might as well be talking to a wall.

After our consult on Tuesday, I got in a big fight with my Mom. The next morning my sister informed me that my Mom and her don’t agree with our decision to pursue IVF right now. Their rationale is bogus, uneducated, disrespectful and just plain ignorant.

But, it still hurt.

They haven’t been here to see what we’ve gone through over the past two years, nor have they truly listened when I’ve tried to share.

Why is it when we make one of the biggest decisions of our life – one that could bring us the most happiness- they attempt to sabotage it and derail our plans?

I guess some people just don’t like to see other people succeed.

I’ve often been the rock of the family. I provide support to everyone else when they need it. This time: no one’s around for me.

Today, a friend sent me the following quote:

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That’s my plan! I’m putting myself first and foremost for the next two months.

My happiness.

My health.

My sanity.

If that means kicking a few people out of my boat, then that’s what will happen.

I’m limiting my conversations about (in)fertility with the fertiles. They just twist my words around and don’t understand nor should I expect them to. 

I’ve realized my fertility friends – online and offline – are and will be the only ones who truly “get it”.

I’m forever grateful for the (in)fertility community.

THANK YOU, all of you (and you know who you are) for being my rock, my shoulder, my confident, my listening ears, and my support on this journey.