When it’s time to let it go

I’m getting better at handling insensitive/inappropriate comments about infertility.

In July, an IVF friend of mine had her beautiful baby girl a month early. A few weeks ago, she turned one month old and I told my Mom I couldn’t believe she was already a month when she was only just supposed to arrive into the world.

My mom’s reaction was, “Oh your friend must have had her dates wrong!“.

My response, “No Mom. You don’t ever get your dates wrong with IVF. You know exactly the age of the embryo upon transfer“.

I tried to explain a bit more. When she didn’t seem interested, I nonchalantly ended the phone call.

On Saturday, my husband and I stopped by for a visit with his Aunt and Uncle.  At one point, she asked if we would have to do IVF again to have another child. I explained that we don’t know, but that based on our previously unexplained status, the success of ISCI versus natural fertilization, and the fact that I’m now down to 1 Fallopian tube, our odds of natural conception are very low; although, not completely gone.

Her response was, “Well I think it will be easier for you now that the stress of having your first child is over.“. She turned to my husband and said, “You let her heal up good, then you get in there and get it done!“.

I looked at him and his face sunk. He ignored her comment and kept watching the football game on TV.

I told her that we really don’t like it when people ask us about having a second child. We don’t know what path we will take and we’d prefer to enjoy our moments with this baby as he deserves to be the focus right now.

Then, she said, “Well you could always adopt!”. 

*sigh* 

I initially wondered HOW so many people still DO NOT GET IT after everything I’ve explained to them about the IVF process, but then I reminded myself that if someone doesn’t care to get it, they never will no matter how many times you reiterate the facts.

We know the facts because we’ve lived them. It’s hard for someone else to understand your position when they’ve never been in your shoes. As much as you hope your family will be compassionate, I need to accept that not everyone can be or wants to be – especially all the time. Instead of getting angry at their comments, I will let them go.

I don’t always hold back, but right now, it’s much better for me (and for baby) to move on.

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Answering the question: do you plan on having more children?

Last night at our hypnobirthing class, another gal asked me if we want to have more than one child.

I fumbled for words and replied with, “Ummm, ughh, well… we might have to pay for another child. Yes we would love to have one, but we may have to do IVF again”.

If there’s a set of questions that has bothered me since we got pregnant, it’s that: Will you do IVF again? Do you plan on having more children?

When you face infertility, the answer is never simple.

I didn’t plan on struggling to get pregnant.

I didn’t plan on doing IVF.

I didn’t plan on losing our first baby.

We would love to have two children on earth. I’ve always pictured myself with two kids – the perfect family of four. We do have many options to make that happen. Although when you have difficulty conceiving on your own, the options become complicated, emotionally-charged and costly.

The hardest part about these questions is that I feel like it detracts from this pregnancy.

Can’t we be left alone to enjoy growing and bringing our son into the world?

Why do we need to rush life and prepare for the future?

Infertility and pregnancy loss teaches you to slow down; to cherish the small milestones. Deep down, you know that nothing is guaranteed. Life could change instantaneously and completely side-rail your plans. You take life one day at a time, one step at a time.

So, what’s our future family plan?

We aren’t thinking about it.

When the time feels right, we will entertain our options for growing our family.

Right now, we are going to cherish each and every second we have with our son and welcome him with love into this world. He’s our focus right now. We’ve worked so hard to have him.

Our family is growing by one beautiful baby boy – and for now, that’s enough for us.