When is enough enough?

The past few days, I’ve been struggling with lots of family drama – on both sides.

You know I have no relationship with my sister right now. Her latest and greatest antics would be that she told my parents I said I wanted her baby to die. It’s shocking that someone could even fabricate such a lie. Anyone who knows me knows I would never, ever wish that upon anyone – especially after enduring it myself. Even before then, I would have never dreamed of it. I have journeyed alongside many other women who have shared their grief and heartache from pregnancy loss. I have compassion and sensitivity. I have respect for human life. I would NEVER say such a thing.

But, here I am feeling like I have to defend myself.

My honest opinion is that my sister wished it upon me. And when it actually happened, she felt so guilty for her thoughts that she made this up to make herself feel better (remember we are dealing with a narcissist here). Or maybe that’s just it: she needed the attention back on her after our loss?

Either way, I’m beyond hurt that my parents believed her.

I told my Mom this is the one time she should have taken sides. She should have defended me and known my character well enough to know that my sister was lying.

Except that’s the way it’s always been… my sister lies. My parents believe her. I become the scapegoat.

I have chosen the path of silence. I will not reach out to my sister.

But what do I do about my parents? After we got off the phone, I sent my Mom a text last night reiterating how hurt I was. I sent her the link for the letter I wrote to my sister. She hasn’t replied.

My husband spoke with his counsellor today about our family troubles. He kindly reminded him that WE are all we need to focus on right now.

Why do we keep having to remind our family HOW to support us? Do we just need to give up and realize they never can and never will be the people we thought they could be for us? How much pain can we endure before we officially cut all ties?

I’m getting to the point where I’m about to go silent on both sides of the family until frick, probably Easter. If all goes well, we would be entering our 2nd trimester then. I could do with a stress-free 1st trimester, but do I really want my Mom to not get to experience that with me?

The lack of support from our families has been one of the hardest part of this journey. I know I have a lesson to learn. Maybe it’s being my own support system or perhaps learning to lean on my husband more? Either way, I’m ready for it to unveil itself.

I’m setting the intention for 2015 to be free of family drama.

Please Universe. Answer my call.

“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~Unknown

A letter to my sister

Dear Jennifer,

My baby died. It’s been almost 39 days exactly since we lost her.

Didn’t you get the memo?  Oh you did, but you don’t know what to say? Or you are afraid I will blame you for still carrying your son in your womb while my daughter is gone?

Well, that’s not how I feel.

I don’t blame anyone for our situation – not myself, not my husband, not the doctors, not even God.

But, I am extremely hurt by your insensitivity.

I LOST MY BABY. I LOST MY LEFT FALLOPIAN TUBE.

And I also lost my sister.

Don’t you remember how hard it was when Aunt Carol died? Don’t you remember laying together on the couch in the basement and crying? This is so much harder for me than that.

Imagine waking up tomorrow without your baby. Imagine he was taken from you in the night. Imagine you are never getting him back, never getting to see what his face would have looked like, never getting to be a Mom in the eyes of everyone else.

I just want to lie back on that couch in the basement and be held by everyone I love around me. Because right now, I feel so broken. I don’t know how to ever go back to the person I was before, but I realize that I probably never will.

You know I always put on a tough front, but inside, my sensitivity is overwhelming. I base my good days on the number of times I cry. I aim for less than 3x a day. My episodes usually happen in the bathroom at work or on the drive home, or especially late at night. That’s when I feel the most alone.

It’s hard not understanding how the world around you can move forward when you are still grieving, still wondering why this happened to you, to your husband and to your baby.

You have always told me I am the strong one, but I am frightened beyond belief of what else I may have to face in the future. I feel like a fraud. My strength is dwindling.

The past few weeks, I have been thinking a lot about your upcoming delivery. I see cute birthing gowns on Etsy and I want to send you one. I see post-partum care packages and think, “Oh that would be great for her!“.

But, then I realize you don’t deserve it.

I didn’t have a choice when it came to losing my baby or my tube. I had to give them up or I was going to lose my own life.

You made the choice for me about losing our relationship. You chose to abandon me. You chose to pretend that nothing happened. You chose to block me out of your life.

I know I may not have been a perfect older sister, but I always tried my best to be there for you when you asked for help.

This time, I need help. I need love and compassion from the people who mean the most to me, my family, but you have cut yourself out of that category.

Deep down, I keep hoping that we can work things out. I pray that you will come around, reach out to me and admit that you made a mistake. Something as simple as, “I’m sorry. We are thinking of you“, would suffice.

It’s hard enough for me to take care of myself these days. I can’t spend extra energy nourishing a one-sided relationship that you obviously aren’t interested in continuing.

I am truly happy for you as you embark on your journey into motherhood. I just wish things could have been different. I wish that you could have seen how much the simplest of actions would have meant to me.

Love always,

Lindsey

Today, I choose joy

I would like to send a million loving hugs, warm wishes and immense gratitude to each and every one of you who reached out to me in regards to my last post.

When I feel like I’m lacking support, I always need to remind myself that I am SURROUNDED by support. My support doesn’t come from my biological family though. It comes from the family I’ve chosen – my close friends and especially you, my infertility sisters.

joy

Today, I choose joy.

I choose to own my happiness.

I choose to live in my special moment.

I choose to go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow knowing that no matter what the outcome, I am blessed.

11dp5dt. One sleep to go…

Breaking the silence

I haven’t spoken to my sister since my birthday on July 23. I referenced why I am not talking to my sister in this post.

Between our egg retrieval and our transfer, I received 1 text message from her. She stated that she was still mad at me. She heard I was feeling nauseous and wanted to suggest I ask my doctor for the anti-nausea medication that she’s taking for her morning sickness.

I didn’t reply because:

  • My nausea was not pregnancy-related. It was due to medication (Doxycyline and Dioxin). In fact, we hadn’t transferred yet so there was NO WAY it could be pregnancy-related.
  • She clearly is still self-absorbed if she started her text with drama-filled words

Tonight, she called me.

Surprisingly, I answered.

She’s been on my mind lately. I thought maybe she was coming around.

She pretended as if nothing had happened. She told me that Dad told her I was going for my blood work this week and she wanted to know if we knew yet. I told her no, but that we were hopeful that things would work out. She asked me how I was feeling and a few other questions before dominating the conversation with tips and tricks from her own pregnancy experience.

At first, I didn’t mind. It was nice to be able to share in this experience with her. She also highly recommended the snoogle body pillow like AndiePants did.

But then, it continued to be ALL about her.

Her energy started to drain me.

The conversation came to an awkard lull and I decided to speak up.

I told her that I was still upset with her and that she couldn’t just pretend like nothing had happened. I had hoped for her support throughout my IVF but she had MIA throughout the entire process on top of telling me she didn’t agree with it before our cycle started.

She told me that her intentions were not to upset me. It was just my perception that upset me and I owed her an apology (HUH?).

I told her especially since she got pregnant with such ease, she should be supportive of whatever way we choose to pursue achieving our own pregnancy. As my sister, she should want the same happiness for me that she has found for herself.

She said she just didn’t agree with the financial cost of the treatment.

I told her how I spend my money is my own fucking business.

She said that she didn’t call to fight with me.

I told her that I appreciated that she called to check in on me, but if she can’t apologize, I can’t continue talking to her.

She told me she was going to hang up.

So, I hung up before she could.

Am I wrong to be so persistent?

She is the only subject that has brought me anxiety during the past 3 weeks. I felt it tonight and I felt it the day we arrived home when I tried to share my frustration about her text message with my Mom.

I’ve asked my parents to NOT share any information about me with her. They clearly can’t follow this request.

I’m not sure what to do. 

Do I back down (like always) and apologize (for what I don’t know?)?

Or do I have a right to cut her out of my life?

I don’t have the strength to play her games. I don’t want to be a part of any game with her.

I think that HAS to be my choice. I need to do what’s right for me, my husband and our baby.

Peace is what we desire and my sister only creates chaos.

This ship has set sail leaving the family drama behind

Dysfunction.

I won’t deny it. My life has been filled with it.

Well, yesterday was enough for me.

I really didn’t want to write about what’s been going on with my sister, but for the sake of my own personal healing, I need to.

Since finding out she’s pregnant, I’ve done nothing but support her. She started spotting and was scared.  I told her that spotting is common in pregnancy and unless it’s bright red and clotted, she should be ok. I encouraged her to use positive visualizations to picture her baby in her arms in February. All because I truly do not want my sister to put undue stress on her baby. I want her to be happy and healthy. 

Unfortunately, she can not share in anyone else’s joy.

It hurt that she told me I was “too fat and not a good candidate for IVF” when she has not educated herself on the process. But it hurt even more, when I realized she was hiding her pregnancy from me when she spoke those words.

My brother called me yesterday because she was fighting with them about plans for her trip back to Ontario this summer. The fight was juvenile and unnecessary. The solution was simple. But she wouldn’t back down. She finished off stating that she doesn’t want to see them and meet their new son, her first and only nephew.

After I got off the phone, she started texting me about the fight. I tried to rationalize with her, but she turned on me.

She said that her intention all along was to get pregnant before me. (Wait a second here? We were taking about sleeping arrangements at the cottage – not your pregnancy?) She told me that I’m just a jealous bitch who’s trying to make her feel bad. She said I’m angry that for once she got what she wanted in life and I didn’t.  She wants the entire family to be nicer to her because she might miscarry.

She expects the entire family to cater to her demands.The spotlight has to be shining bright on her at all times. Or else, she creates chaos and projects her own insecurities onto everyone else. I pity her fiancé as I’m not sure the guy has ever seen her true colours. My sister needs major therapy to deal with her issues.

Unfortunately, I’m done saving her. I’m done being the big sister who always does what’s right to keep the peace in the family. I’m done being nice to her when she’s done nothing but treat me like shit my entire life. I’m done pretending it’s ok to please my Mother who is in denial about how volatile her younger daughter truly is. I’m done with the narcissistic behaviour, the compulsive lies and the excuses.

My birthday night ended with a phone call to my parents.

Ignore her“, they said.

How can I ignore what she just said to me when she knows how much we want to have a baby of our own? 

I cried my eyes out to my mom about not getting any support from them. I told her I just need my mom sometimes.  I just need her to listen, but it doesn’t seem like she cares about our infertility, let alone our upcoming IVF cycle.  I told her that they can not condone my sister’s behaviour. But, I know they will do nothing about it. 

Throughout all of this, I know one thing: I stayed true to myself. I was honest and open about my feelings. And I continued to support my sister, even after the horrible things she said to me.

image

 

She’s deleted and blocked my brother, my sister-in-law, my husband and I from texts and Facebook. Guess that’s what happens when you know you are in the wrong and don’t want to hear the truth. 

I’m a bit upset with myself for breaking down (especially on my birthday night), but I needed to release the hurt. And move forward… with a few less people in my boat. Hope the view is nice from the shore. I won’t be going back to pick them up.

image

A dream is a wish your heart makes

CD 27. 13 DPO. 2 days til Christmas.

I changed my mind. I didn’t go for the blood test.

I woke up from a variety of nightmares (yeah I know. my subconscious is just fucked right now. I wonder if it’s due to coming down off the Clomid?) to another BFN, some mild cramps and reddish/brownish spotting. I just figured what’s the point? My period isn’t technically late and it’s definitely showing strong signs of coming.

I spoke with the clinic this morning and the IUI lab isn’t open again until January 6th. Each day longer it takes for my period to arrive is actually a good thing. If Aunt Flo can hold off for a few more days, we have a better chance of not missing this cycle due to the lab being closed.

As the day went on, I was feeling more bloated and PMS-like. Then, like usual, I was smacked across the face by another in-law situation.

I got ambushed last Thursday night. While my hubby was out, my mother-in-law decided to stop by to work things out after my hubby’s confrontation with her. The conversation actually went fairly well. She asked me to explain what we were going through with our fertility stuff because she doesn’t understand (nor has she cared to). I started from the beginning and made sure to include all of the excruciatingly painful details. 😀

For those who are just beginning to follow my story, we have unexplained infertility – except for a condition called Phimosis (a.k.a tight foreskin). My hubby is on the surgical wait list for circumcision. They originally told us 2-3 months on the wait list. It’s now been over 4 months. Our fertility specialist suggested IUI as a interim solution while we wait for surgery.There is not much information out there relating Phimosis to infertility, but it seems to be the only probable barrier (literally – ha!) to us having a baby.

As I explained this to my mother-in-law, she told me that my hubby actually suffered from a few foreskin infections when he was a child. She thought he was about 8 years old when he had his last one. Her doctor just gave her some ointment to treat then. Wonderful. That explains A LOT.

Overall, the convo was decent. My husband ended up coming home for a bit while his mother was still over. She tried to defend my father-in-law and told me he was “starting to feel bad”. (Starting? Just starting to feel bad? WOW!)  I told her his actions were not a reflection of her and that it was his responsibility to resolve them with us.

She begged us to come for Christmas. We said no. She insisted on giving us our gifts before Christmas Day. We said we would get back to her on our availability. When she left, things were smoothed over and we were on good terms – at least with her. I had hope that things would get better.

Fast forward to today…

My husband spoke with his mother yesterday and suggested tonight would work for exchanging gifts. She was supposed to come over at 6:30pm. I was a bit stressed about this as I hoped to get to Costco and pick up my next round of Clomid. I put this thought aside as I felt if she was willing to make an effort, I needed to as well.

At 3:30pm, she called my husband at work and said she wouldn’t be able to make it. His dad wanted to go to a friend’s son’s hockey game. She was going to the game with him and didn’t have time to come by. She said she would call tomorrow and maybe she would have time to come over then.

When are you going to have time to come over tomorrow when you know my hubby is working til 4 pm, I am volunteering until 7 pm, and you are cooking Christmas supper for your other son and his wife? Crazy lady – I tell ya! 

I was livid. I was hurt. I was questioning why I even bothered wasting the energy speaking with her last Thursday. What happened to her seemingly sympathetic approach, her desire to understand why we felt unsupported, and her offer to help?

It all was a farce.  Nothing will change.

I must result to lowering my (almost rock bottom) expectations again. They showed us what was more important to them and it obviously isn’t rebuilding our relationship.

This is why we are not going for Christmas was all my husband would say to me about it. And, he’s more than right this time.

As I drove home from work feeling emotionally defeated, the following song came on the radio. I cried and cried. How much is too much? I’m done with my in-laws but I’m not willing to give up on my fertility journey. I thought of my husband as I sang along, “I won’t give up if you don’t give up...”

I still believe that this in-law drama happened to bring my hubby and I closer together. Deep in the pit of my stomach, I hope it subsides as I really want to do all I can to stay relaxed and positive during next month’s journey.

My dream didn’t come true, but that doesn’t mean isn’t foreshadowing the hopefully near future.

I wish that 2014 ends up being a heartfelt year of dreams coming true for us… and you too.

Congrats to all of the beautiful women who received their BFPs today. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. You bring me strength and give me hope.

Merry Christmas. Xo.

May your days be merry & bright - Christmas 2013

Being realistic as we get closer to Christmas

CD 23. 9dpo. 5 days til expected period (ha! Like I ever want it to come). 6 days til Christmas.

I was extremely hopeful a week ago, but right now, my instinct tells me I’m not pregnant.

Two days ago, I started checking my CM and cervical position internally again – first pinkish mucus, then brownish mucus, now brownish mixed with red mucus. Cervix is low, very low. This is typical for a normal cycle for me. Aunt Flo is inevitably on her way.

I had to warn my hubby. He’s been reading baby name books and one night, he even talked to my belly. Ugh. Great. How will be react to this one? He shouldn’t have done that until we were certain, but I am glad he is hopeful.

He didn’t want to believe me. I’ve been tracking my body long enough that I know. I just know.

My mother-in-law threw a hissy fit once it finally sunk in that we wouldn’t be attending family Christmas. She freaked out on the confident who informed me of what my father-in-law said about us. I’m sure the fact that she didn’t know who told me was probably eating at her more than the fact that we have been upset with them for a long time due to their lack of support. It sucks that people blame others when they aren’t willing to self-reflect and admit that they may have done something wrong.

I feel like maybe my lil’ bean is holding off until we sort out some of this persistent family drama. Waiting sucks. I guess it makes sense to work it out now, so we don’t have to deal with it later. I really hope lil’ bean realizes we are ready and strong enough to protect them. Come on little one! 

We are heading to my husband’s Aunt and Uncle’s for Christmas supper. They don’t have any biological kids. It will be just them and us this year.  I often say that they are my husband’s second parents as they give unconditional love and support to us. We are truly blessed to have them in our lives.

After that, we’re packing the dogs up and taking a road trip to Alberta. We will be hibernating at Elk Water Lake Lodge from December 27-29.  I’m looking forward to some peace and tranquillity. It’s much needed after this month.

Sending baby dust to those of you still waiting for your Christmas miracles! Xoxo.