Unpacking the box

My brother and his wife were blessed with a little girl yesterday! Yes, I said GIRL! They did not know what they were having prior to the delivery, but everyone assumed it was another boy. I am so excited for them. She’s so little and precious.

This morning my emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

“What if we don’t ever get to have a girl?” 

“What if we don’t even get to have another child?” 

Infertility drains the hope from you. You remember how hard it was the first time, maybe even the second time. You dread what you may have to face to get a slight chance at another try.

You question if it’s worth it and if you are strong enough to go through it again. You get angry at your body. You wish it was easier.

Today, I felt the need to let go.

I unpacked the box of girl items I had bought for Emme. I want my niece Madelyn to have some of them. I set aside a blanket, booties, two hats, a few onesies and sleepers. While I did this, Wyatt was crawling around at my feet.  I gave him a set of pink and blue baby blocks to play with. He can have something from his sister’s box as well.

I’m beyond grateful for our son; for all my nieces and nephews. When I get upset after a new little person joins us, it is nothing personal with the family who has been blessed. I’m so happy for them.

What surfaces are the demons of infertility – my own longing, my own grief, my own fears. Sometimes they need to be tamed back. Today they needed to be felt and let free.





Nostalgia and Christmas

Today we put up our Christmas tree.

As I was unpacking ornaments, I found this one:


I bought it from the Christmas ornament store in Victoria, BC when we were there for our FET transfer last January. I always buy a new ornament whenever I travel. Even though it  wasn’t out first time to Victoria, I knew I had to get this ornament. It reminded me of the socks MLACs bought for me which I wore during the transfer. It was meant to signify the hope we had going into that transfer for bringing home our rainbow baby.


It brought tears to my eyes to find the ornament. I’m so grateful for all of the blessings we have received this year – especially for the fact that Wyatt is here.

He doesn’t enjoy trimming the tree as much as I do. 😀