1 DPIUI: progesterone & pineapple

1 DPIUI

Progesterone Day 1. 

Today was fairly uneventful. I woke up feeling better than yesterday, not as bloated and crampy. 

I started my progesterone suppositories – 2 pills vaginally 2x daily. I only have one day to speak for, but so far no complaints. It’s not as gross as everyone says, but this is coming from a persistent cervical mucus checker. I’m used to sticking a finger or two up there to see what’s going on. I decided to leave that alone this cycle. No checking whatsoever. 

I also decided to try a pineapple to help implantation. I picked one up at Costco yesterday when I grabbed my progesterone prescription.

 

Pineapple and progesterone

On With Great Expectation, I read the post, Three days post transfer plus what’s the deal with pineapple?, where she explains how to prepare your pineapple. My hubby cut it up for me as a pre-supper snack.  Yes, my husband is baby-ing me beyond belief. He wouldn’t let me do ANYTHING tonight. The plan is to eat 1 piece everyday for 5 days including the core. Not such a bad deal. Pineapple is yummy!

I’m feeling great. Not stressed. Not worried. No symptom-checking like an insane woman because clearly that’s insane, it’s only 1DPIUI. 

I keep trying to use positive visualizations. Sperm meet Egg. Egg meet Sperm. Now, you will be getting to know each other really well. My uterus is soft, cushy, sticky, perfect for implantation. BFP, BFP, BFP. 

Either way, this month has already resulted in a few positives:

  • We got some good news with hubby’s counts
  • We made it through two cycles of Clomid craziness
  • I gave myself my first shot ever
  • We know what to expect if we have to go to the clinic again for Round 2

To make the 2ww go by faster, I broke down into key milestones or events I’m looking forward to: 

  • Thurs Jan 9 – Acupuncture! 
  • Fri Jan 10 – attending the BE-Loved Body Empowerment True Colours Gala. This intuitive art show and gala supports promoting a positive body image for all women. This is something I can totally relate to. (In)fertility has NOT made me feel sexy. 
  • Sat Jan 11 – The wonderful woman who is repainting my washstand is coming by to drop off the end tables and help me pick a colour! OHHHH exciting! 
  • Thurs Jan 16 – My sister and her boyfriend are coming from Fort McMurray for a visit. 
  • Fri Jan 17 – We are all attending a Neil Young and Dianna Krall concert
  • Sat Jan 18 – SPA day with my sister! Much needed. I’ve been wearing fuzzy socks all the time to keep my feet warm, but my toes are currently missing their standard polish. 
  • Mon Jan 19 – My sister and her man leave 😦 
  • Tues Jan 21 – BLOOD TEST! 

I’ve got lots to look forward to, but I hope can keep my mind busy on the in between days. 🙂 

 

 

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IUI #1 – we did it!

CD 14. IUI #1 is done.

Our hotel stay last night was slightly awkward. I laid on one queen bed on my laptop, while my husband laid in the other watching a Netflixmovie on the tablet. It felt like we barely said a word to each other all night. Although he tends to retreat inwards when he’s upset, I very much am a talker. His silence was getting to me, but really what did we have to talk about? We both knew there wasn’t much to say until after this morning.

We got to the clinic just before 9 am and filled out our paperwork. They called my hubby in to give his sample and I was left alone in the waiting room. My mind was racing with all of the potentially bad things that could go wrong: What if he can’t do it? What if he drops it? What if the sample numbers are bad? What if…

I felt like crying.

Instead, I turned to my biggest comfort: the blogs. I kept hitting refresh on my WordPress app until a new post from Maeussle showed up. Thank you! You have no clue how much you helped me regain control from a potential breakdown this morning. I was reminded that online I am never alone. 🙂

After 10 minutes that seemed like an hour, my hubby came back out and we were free to go until my appointment at 10:30 am. 

The office was much busier when we got back. It turns out (in)fertile women are much friendlier than the pregos I commonly run into while being monitored at the ob/gyn office. Eye contact was made and I even got a few smiles from other nervous patients like me. She smiled! She gets it! Oh, I could hug you right now if we weren’t entirely strangers! Maybe next time I will have enough courage to strike up a convo.

They called us in to meet our RE. She was very nice while she went over our history and the game plan. I spoke to her about my persistent pre-period spotting and she agreed to put me on progesterone. Whohoo! Every (in)fertile’s dream! Fuck. I’ve been avoiding buying feminine products in the hopes of getting pregnant. Guess this means I’ll be needing to stock up on panty liners. 

We moved from the RE’s office to the procedure room. The nurse was very sweet, except my cervix didn’t get along with her. She had to try a few times to get the catheter in. I cursed in my head, reminding myself that she was doing the best she could.

It was over before we knew it. The nurse instructed me to stay lying down and that the doctor would come by with our sperm count and blood requisition.

The doctor said she was impressed with our sperm count as it was above average.

Total count: 60 million
Motility: 82%

My husband literally high-fived me while I was still laying on the table. He was ecstatic.

I was relieved. *whew* Cross another worry off the list. I guess those vitamins, supplements, healthy eating and instructions for him to not have any alcohol the week before IUI are paying off. 

Above average sperm count + Clomid + Trigger = Potential BFP?!?! *fingers-crossed*

My goals for this 2WW are to:

  • Stay optimistic, yet realistic
  • Keep my stress levels to a minimal – as instructed by the doctor, the nurse and my husband
  • Listen to my intuition. I truly am only going to do what I want and what my body needs.
  • Not POAS too early

I take the progesterone starting tomorrow until January 21 when I go for the blood test.

Until then, here’s hoping.

3 days til IUI… let’s redecorate!

CD 11.

2 days since last Clomid dose.

1 day til HCG injectible.

3 days til IUI #1.

Yesterday, I had my first follicle monitoring ultrasound for this cycle. Since my specialist is on vacation, I was sent to a radiology clinic for my scan. Hmmm, I don’t mind this waiting room at all. Possibly only 1 prego lady. The rest are all oldies. 

The highlight of my wait was watching a gentle old man sway back and forth while tapping his toe to the oldies on the radio. When his wife was ready to leave, he tried to do a little dance with her as he helped her put her coat on. I hope my hubby and I are like that when we get old. 

The ultrasound tech asked if is was my first time. I just laughed. I wish! 

Everything went smoothly, but this appointment took longer as the schedule was a half hour behind and they make you wait until the radiologist reviews the scans before you can leave. They don’t give you any details, so I was stuck waiting until my clinic called that afternoon.

My largest follicle is currently a 14.5 on the right side. The nurse said to do my HCG shot at 11 pm on Sunday night. IUI is scheduled for Tuesday morning. My hubby goes in at 9 am to do his business. They will take me in around 10:30 am.

Since New Year’s Day, I’ve been on a cleaning/redecorating frenzy. I took down the Christmas tree. I scrubbed the floors. I reorganized my bedroom closet and dresser drawers. I added new decor to our fireplace mantle. I moved a recliner chair from our main floor living room to our basement.  I stared at the spot where the chair once was and decided that I HATE our upstairs living room. It’s dark. It’s too masculine. It’s time to redecorate.

I found a pair of refinished end tables on Kijiji – lightly distressed white with bronze handles.

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The woman who is selling the tables is going to refinish an antique washstand  for me. The wash stand will go in the living room where the chair once was. Now, I’m trying to decide on colours. The living room will be painted a greige colour. We have dark brown couches, white end tables and I want the washstand to be that pop of colour. To Pinterest I go… 

The washstand originally came with the antique dresser I purchased in the summer for the baby room. I’ve removed the hanger part from the washstand and I don’t plan on putting it back on. I started refinishing the dresser myself, but I’m left with a sanded down, unpainted dresser. I’ve also removed the mirror, but I’m not sure whether I will use it or not.

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The plan is to use the dresser as a change table. I can’t choose a colour until we get pregnant and find out the baby’s gender. Decorating a nursery is one of the things I am MOST looking forward to. 

My girlfriends were laughing at me the other night. They said I’m nestingHow is nesting possible? Am I pre-prego nesting? Is that even a thing? I guess it’s a good thing that I’m getting the house ready as I probably won’t have time to do it when we do get pregnant. Plus, it keeps my mind off everything fertility-related.

I love decorating. This is a nice distraction.

What do you do to keep your mind off everything?

7 secrets of a Clomid-crazed woman

  1. I will never have empathy for your morning sickness if you happened to conceive the first month trying. Sorry sister-in-law. Try fertility drugs, then we can compare.
  2. I leave my pants undone on days when i’m bloated from Clomid – like today!
  3. Having a poop is the highlight of my day after being Clomid constipated. Today was extra special. I pooped twice. 🙂
  4. Hot flashes are my favourite Clomid side effect since I live where it’s commonly -40 degrees Celsius in the winter. Winter? No problem! I drive to work with my coat unzipped and my windows open!
  5. My co-worker keeps leaving his binder on my desk. I threatened to throw it at him if I ever find it there again… My filter is gone. I am hormonal and definitely NOT joking. Alright, maybe a bit joking, but it was funny to watch his reaction. Yes, my two male co-workers know that I’m on Clomid. I sometimes think they are scared of me or maybe just the Clomid?
  6. I seriously asked my husband to “go down on me” so I could find out if my chunky, gross Clomid cervical mucus tastes differently than normal. He said NO WAY! Thanks for helping me get in the mood. It’s not like sex is uncomfortable or anything when my ovaries feel like the size of softballs. 
  7. Clomid gives me CRAZY dreams. Since drunk sleeps also = crazy dreams for me, I wonder what level of psychosis my Clomid-crazed sleep might get to if I down a bottle of wine? Keyword: wonder. I’m staying Clomid-sober except I might cave and have one glass when my sister comes to visit at the end of the month if I sense a looming BFN. If not, she can drink while we BFP celebrate!
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New year, new cycle

CD 6. Clomid Day 2.

I’ve been taking a break lately. Trying to not discuss or focus on much of anything fertility-related. I didn’t even read any blogs from Christmas Day until yesterday afternoon on our drive back from our mini-vacation.

Overall, our vacation was nice. My hubby “forgot” the snowpants, so we didn’t venture outside for too long. We ate lots of junk food, had a nice bath in the double jacuzzi tub and watched the entire first season of Orange is the New Black. My hubby said he hopes we get to see Alex’s boobs in the next season as hers were the only ones we didn’t get to see. Not joking. I couldn’t believe he was THAT into the show. haha 

For an instant, I wondered if my life would be easier if I was a lesbian? Would I still have the desire to have children? Well, the answer is yes. I think the desire to have children is inherent no matter what your sexual orientation. After reading blogs written by gay couples who are trying to conceive, I give them extra credit!

On the drive home, I also was thinking about my sister. Due to some medical complications, she’s not sure she will be able to have children. She recently asked me what she should do to get tested. I explained a bit about our journey and encouraged her to speak with her doctors sooner rather than later. Then, it hit me:

How would she feel if she discovered she was not able to have children?

Wow. I sincerely hope she never has to go through that. Even though we have unexplained (in)fertilty, I’m confident that we will conceive a child one day. But, you never know what may come your way next.

Christmas Day was a bummer for me. My period was not the gift I was hoping to receive. On the 27th, I received my call back from the fertility clinic. Yeahhhh!!! It was my nice nurse! *whew* So relieved to hear her voice and not the voice of whoever was covering for her on Monday. 

Turns out, my specialist – the one who does my monitoring locally since the clinic is 2 hours away – is on vacation until January 10th. Thanks for informing me, local doctor. My favourite nurse said it wasn’t a problem. She booked me in for my follicle monitoring ultrasounds at another local clinic. First scan is scheduled for this Friday, January 3rd.

She also said I could switch my Clomid from CD 3-7 to CD 5-9. This meant I didn’t have to start my pills until the last day of our weekend getaway. *cue my hubby doing his happy dance* Although my husband didn’t straight-up admit it, I knew he was dreading being stuck alone in a hotel room with Clomid-crazed me.

Clomid and I are getting along better this time. The only side effects I’m experiencing are slight bloating, hot flashes, mild bitchyness, some anxiety and a headache tonight but that may be sugar-induced since I just wolfed down an entire box of Milk Duds. 

We  have no plans for New Year’s Eve yet except for going for supper with another couple. We’ve been invited to a few house parties, so we’ll see where the night leads us. I am one of those people who does not drink on clomid (but no judgement if you do). I just don’t want to risk any set backs and figured if I’m investing this much time/energy/emotion/money into the whole process, I might as well be as “good” as I can be. Yeah, I know. Milk Duds aren’t exactly good for me. haha

I know this post was a bit all over the place, but that’s exactly how my mind has felt lately. Happy, then sad. Willing to do all that it takes, then wanting to give up. This weekend away was much needed, but jumping back on the Clomid bandwagon has left me fuzzy-minded (or is that just emotional) again.

I plan on taking some time tomorrow to set some clear intentions for 2014.

If I don’t catch you before then, have a wonderful new year’s eve! Enjoy the night and embrace the magic. Xo.

Like a kid waiting for Santa

15 DPO. CD 29. Christmas Day.

I was up at 5:50 am. Can you guess why? And no it wasn’t because I was excited to open Santa presents. 

I had to pee on another stick. Ok – two sticks. I did both a FRER and an internet cheapie.

Verdict: still BFN.

My body is wack!

Yesterday, I even jumped the gun and called in my CD1 only to realize a few hours later that my spotting was completely GONE?!?! Luckily, no one was there at the clinic. If today progresses equally as well, I’m going to call back first thing in the morning and actually ask for that blood test. Yes I know. My husband keeps telling me I should have gone Monday. I was still spotting that day. I was discouraged and lacking hope. Plus, I chickened out because I spoke with a different nurse. 

Anyway, yesterday morning I had cramps. Period-like cramps. So I decided to venture to the bathroom and check things out. I was spotting brown but decided to throw in my Diva Cup because cramps typically = oncoming period for me. I realized I put it in inside out (which is actually the right way, but I’m one of those randoms who finds it more comfortable to wear inside out). When I took it out to adjust, it there was a bit of red in the bottom. Ok perfect. Period is here. I was right. 

I got home last night at 7pm and took my cup out to empty it. Except there was barely anything in it? In fact, it contained mainly brown-tinted watery discharge?? Wtf? 

The night continued on and so did my cramps. I continuously made trips to the bathroom expecting to find Aunt Flo making her Christmas entrance. But, she never came and the spotting was completely gone.

So, I went to bed excited like a kid waiting for Santa Clause. Praying for a BFP to make my Christmas the most memorable of my life!

Still no BFP. But… I’m not out of the game yet.

I am so apprehensive about even posting this. I have gone to the bathroom twice to check if I’m spotting since I started writing.There is nothing shittier than the waiting game. I would just like to know either way. 

Could this just be a crazy cycle due to 1st round of Clomid? Or do you think I’m one of those people who will get their BFP at like 17DPO?

Updated: WOW! I should listen to my intuition more. Literally 10 minutes after posting this, I got the death cramps. Been keeled over on the couch with the heating pad for the past hour. Aunt Flo has arrived. Merry Christmas! And we move onto 2014… CD1. IUI #1. Clomid Round 2. 

A dream is a wish your heart makes

CD 27. 13 DPO. 2 days til Christmas.

I changed my mind. I didn’t go for the blood test.

I woke up from a variety of nightmares (yeah I know. my subconscious is just fucked right now. I wonder if it’s due to coming down off the Clomid?) to another BFN, some mild cramps and reddish/brownish spotting. I just figured what’s the point? My period isn’t technically late and it’s definitely showing strong signs of coming.

I spoke with the clinic this morning and the IUI lab isn’t open again until January 6th. Each day longer it takes for my period to arrive is actually a good thing. If Aunt Flo can hold off for a few more days, we have a better chance of not missing this cycle due to the lab being closed.

As the day went on, I was feeling more bloated and PMS-like. Then, like usual, I was smacked across the face by another in-law situation.

I got ambushed last Thursday night. While my hubby was out, my mother-in-law decided to stop by to work things out after my hubby’s confrontation with her. The conversation actually went fairly well. She asked me to explain what we were going through with our fertility stuff because she doesn’t understand (nor has she cared to). I started from the beginning and made sure to include all of the excruciatingly painful details. 😀

For those who are just beginning to follow my story, we have unexplained infertility – except for a condition called Phimosis (a.k.a tight foreskin). My hubby is on the surgical wait list for circumcision. They originally told us 2-3 months on the wait list. It’s now been over 4 months. Our fertility specialist suggested IUI as a interim solution while we wait for surgery.There is not much information out there relating Phimosis to infertility, but it seems to be the only probable barrier (literally – ha!) to us having a baby.

As I explained this to my mother-in-law, she told me that my hubby actually suffered from a few foreskin infections when he was a child. She thought he was about 8 years old when he had his last one. Her doctor just gave her some ointment to treat then. Wonderful. That explains A LOT.

Overall, the convo was decent. My husband ended up coming home for a bit while his mother was still over. She tried to defend my father-in-law and told me he was “starting to feel bad”. (Starting? Just starting to feel bad? WOW!)  I told her his actions were not a reflection of her and that it was his responsibility to resolve them with us.

She begged us to come for Christmas. We said no. She insisted on giving us our gifts before Christmas Day. We said we would get back to her on our availability. When she left, things were smoothed over and we were on good terms – at least with her. I had hope that things would get better.

Fast forward to today…

My husband spoke with his mother yesterday and suggested tonight would work for exchanging gifts. She was supposed to come over at 6:30pm. I was a bit stressed about this as I hoped to get to Costco and pick up my next round of Clomid. I put this thought aside as I felt if she was willing to make an effort, I needed to as well.

At 3:30pm, she called my husband at work and said she wouldn’t be able to make it. His dad wanted to go to a friend’s son’s hockey game. She was going to the game with him and didn’t have time to come by. She said she would call tomorrow and maybe she would have time to come over then.

When are you going to have time to come over tomorrow when you know my hubby is working til 4 pm, I am volunteering until 7 pm, and you are cooking Christmas supper for your other son and his wife? Crazy lady – I tell ya! 

I was livid. I was hurt. I was questioning why I even bothered wasting the energy speaking with her last Thursday. What happened to her seemingly sympathetic approach, her desire to understand why we felt unsupported, and her offer to help?

It all was a farce.  Nothing will change.

I must result to lowering my (almost rock bottom) expectations again. They showed us what was more important to them and it obviously isn’t rebuilding our relationship.

This is why we are not going for Christmas was all my husband would say to me about it. And, he’s more than right this time.

As I drove home from work feeling emotionally defeated, the following song came on the radio. I cried and cried. How much is too much? I’m done with my in-laws but I’m not willing to give up on my fertility journey. I thought of my husband as I sang along, “I won’t give up if you don’t give up...”

I still believe that this in-law drama happened to bring my hubby and I closer together. Deep in the pit of my stomach, I hope it subsides as I really want to do all I can to stay relaxed and positive during next month’s journey.

My dream didn’t come true, but that doesn’t mean isn’t foreshadowing the hopefully near future.

I wish that 2014 ends up being a heartfelt year of dreams coming true for us… and you too.

Congrats to all of the beautiful women who received their BFPs today. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. You bring me strength and give me hope.

Merry Christmas. Xo.

May your days be merry & bright - Christmas 2013