Riding the emotional roller coaster

I was beyond emotional last week. I cried at least once a day for 6 days straight.

I was feeling uncertain, scared, confused, ashamed, impatient, frustrated, hurt, helpless.

I had no choice but to process each emotion that I had stuffed down since we started our fertility journey.

Through many conversations with friends and family, I was able to uncover the root of my pain.

Infertility treatments do not make me a lesser person. I know this. I understand the journey will give me strength, but that doesn’t make it any less of a challenge.

A change in plan can be devastating. Guess I didn’t realize how strong it would affect me. I am grieving the loss of my original vision. I need to allow myself the time to grieve, to feel the pain. I must allow patience and gentleness into my soul.  I do not expect to overcome my feelings overnight.

Hard is not relative. Hard is hard. Someone else might have an easy time letting go of the stress, the pain and the agony of waiting, but that doesn’t mean that I will have the same experience.

It is hard for me to let go of the hope of conceiving naturally without fertility drugs. I’m willing to try out more invasive options because my desire to become a mother is strong (that and I’m an overly impatient know-it-all – the concept of not understanding WHY just kills me). Once my baby is here, will it make a difference how they were conceived? No. It most definitely won’t.

We still have a chance this month. We are done follicle monitoring. Yesterday, I had one measuring 17mm, one measuring 15mm. The doctor expects me to ovulate, drug-free, within 2 days. I have a requisition to get a progesterone test done next Wednesday to confirm.

So I’m signing off to go home and do the baby dance with my hubby. Then, we’re onto the two week wait. This time, I’m not dreading it. I’m embracing whatever comes. Pregnancy would be the miracle we’ve dreamed of, but my period means we are taking a big step forward into IUI.

Wish us luck either way.