Are we trying or not trying?

We found a few minutes to have sex the other day. I’m not going to jazz it up and pretend it was anything other than what it was. My husband put the baby in his crib to play with a book and some toys. We had somewhere between 7-10 minutes to be intimate before Wyatt decided he’d had enough alone time.

It was enough to make us feel human again, to bring us back to who we were before a baby joined us. I do wish we could find more moments like this.

Anyway…

The baby started whining and fortunately the timing was perfect for one of us. :/

Mike got up to get the baby and then, he said it.

Alright sperm… Get swimming!”

Wow. Talk about a mood killer. But, it wasn’t the mood that was most affected.

He didn’t foresee how gutted I would feel after he said it. He didn’t realize how many emotions 4 words could stir up. He didn’t mean for it to be hurtful.
Honestly, I think he was trying to be hopeful.

Each time I’ve mentioned having a second child, Mike tells me not to rush it and that we don’t need to worry about it now. All of a sudden it’s on his mind?

Should I embrace his positivity? Isn’t it a good thing that he’s so optimistic about us potentially being able to conceive #2 on our own?

No. My logical, rational mind can’t go there. I’m not pessimistic. I’m realistic.

I’m still breastfeeding. I haven’t had my menstrual cycle return yet. I’m down one fallopian tube. We needed IVF with ISCI to conceive our son.

I’d love to live in a state of trying without trying, but after infertility and loss, that concept just isn’t viable in my mind. I need to shelve any unrealistic expectations of conceiving on our own.

We had a brief talk about it last night. I think he gets where I stand. At least, I really hope he does. Neither one of us needs to go back to that place right now.

We aren’t trying, yet we clearly aren’t doing anything to prevent it… And we will see where we end up.

No expectations. Blissful ignorance. Simply sex for pleasure.

Let’s leave it at that.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Are we trying or not trying?

  1. Ugh, what a mood killer is right. I think those of us that have had problems conceiving have a bit of PTSD from it. I know I do! Do just enjoy sex for what it is now-a good time with your hubby that hopeful ends in good timing for both of you;)

    Like

  2. I don’t even know how people manage “Two under 2”–BG is 14 months and I still don’t feel ready to try again. It was only just today that I left her with a nanny for the first time and spent 2.5 hours by myself–I literally have forgotten how to be by myself.
    Yet oddly, I’m green with envy that other people are ready just months after giving birth! I envy that you are ready for another. And I hope it works! XOXO

    Like

    • Honestly, I think I’ve just accepted that any sort of plan always goes out the window. I originally wanted to spread our kids out which may still happen if we need another round of IVF – but if not, I’ll take it! That being said, I do anticipate having 2 under 2 would be IMMENSELY challenging.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. So much of this speaks to my heart – the dream for a second child. Sending you love and hoping whatever you decide to do about the possibility of more children will feel right. And yes, sex for pleasure what a great idea!

    Like

  4. That’s a tough one… My heart sinks at the thought of is all carrying around the baggage that goes with infertility. You want to be hopeful, but at the same time you don’t want to live in la la land. Give the idea space without deadlines or expectations and I pray that the answers appear. Enjoy the sex in the mean time!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s