The next child debate

Will we try for a second living child?

This question has been weighing heavily on my heart and my mind since a few days after Wyatt joined us outside the womb. While I sat in the bathtub soaking my still swollen and heavily stitched up vagina, I declared to my husband, “Awwww I want another baby!“. He told me I was crazy and needed to wait a while.

As the months have passed and my vagina has healed, my urge to reproduce has lessened.

Fear resides in it’s place.

My brother’s visit was a wake up call for me. Seeing my (almost) 2 year old nephew interact with his cousin was touching, but seeing my nephew’s jealously was eye-opening. He was confused about his cousin’s role. My sister-in-law was surprised that he didn’t seem excited when she talked about “his baby” in her tummy. As the week went on, he started mimicking the baby in the hopes of getting more attention. He had realized that his life was about to change.

I don’t remember exactly what this moment was like for me. My sister and brother were born when I was just over 2.5 years old. As with many twin pregnancies, my Mom was on bed rest, then hospitalized leading up to their delivery. I spent lots of time at my Grandparents while Dad was at work. I do remember one trip that  Dad and I took to Toys R Us to pick up stuff for the babies. Mom was already in the hospital. Dad let me pick out a toy – except he wouldn’t let me get the one I wanted. I love the significance behind what we recall as children. 

Seeing my nephew with Wyatt actually made me realize that I would prefer a larger age gap between siblings. The thought of making my son feel “second best”, “left out” or potentially even “unwanted” makes me shutter. I would want Wyatt to be able to fully understand the situation if he is to ever have a sibling join him.

On top of it all, the thought of emotionally investing in another round of IVF is too much right now. I can’t fathom dealing with such extreme emotions around my son -especially the anticipation and potential heartache. I want to protect and shelter him from all of that… for now. 

So, my big realization is that we don’t need to make a decision. We don’t have to put the stress and pressure on ourselves. We don’t have to plan when we will try again.

Instead, we will go with the flow.

I want to get back to a place of enjoying my sexual relationship with my husband before I left infertility take it away again.

I want to whole heartedly watch my son learn and grow without the worry and distraction of hormone levels, injections, follicle counts and fertilization reports.

When the time is right, I will know when I am ready to decide whether we try again or not.

Right now, we have a son. He’s beautiful. He’s smart. He’s my world.

And he’s more than enough.

 

This post was inspired by an article I read on Pregnant Chicken called, “Just One”.