The next child debate

Will we try for a second living child?

This question has been weighing heavily on my heart and my mind since a few days after Wyatt joined us outside the womb. While I sat in the bathtub soaking my still swollen and heavily stitched up vagina, I declared to my husband, “Awwww I want another baby!“. He told me I was crazy and needed to wait a while.

As the months have passed and my vagina has healed, my urge to reproduce has lessened.

Fear resides in it’s place.

My brother’s visit was a wake up call for me. Seeing my (almost) 2 year old nephew interact with his cousin was touching, but seeing my nephew’s jealously was eye-opening. He was confused about his cousin’s role. My sister-in-law was surprised that he didn’t seem excited when she talked about “his baby” in her tummy. As the week went on, he started mimicking the baby in the hopes of getting more attention. He had realized that his life was about to change.

I don’t remember exactly what this moment was like for me. My sister and brother were born when I was just over 2.5 years old. As with many twin pregnancies, my Mom was on bed rest, then hospitalized leading up to their delivery. I spent lots of time at my Grandparents while Dad was at work. I do remember one trip that  Dad and I took to Toys R Us to pick up stuff for the babies. Mom was already in the hospital. Dad let me pick out a toy – except he wouldn’t let me get the one I wanted. I love the significance behind what we recall as children. 

Seeing my nephew with Wyatt actually made me realize that I would prefer a larger age gap between siblings. The thought of making my son feel “second best”, “left out” or potentially even “unwanted” makes me shutter. I would want Wyatt to be able to fully understand the situation if he is to ever have a sibling join him.

On top of it all, the thought of emotionally investing in another round of IVF is too much right now. I can’t fathom dealing with such extreme emotions around my son -especially the anticipation and potential heartache. I want to protect and shelter him from all of that… for now. 

So, my big realization is that we don’t need to make a decision. We don’t have to put the stress and pressure on ourselves. We don’t have to plan when we will try again.

Instead, we will go with the flow.

I want to get back to a place of enjoying my sexual relationship with my husband before I left infertility take it away again.

I want to whole heartedly watch my son learn and grow without the worry and distraction of hormone levels, injections, follicle counts and fertilization reports.

When the time is right, I will know when I am ready to decide whether we try again or not.

Right now, we have a son. He’s beautiful. He’s smart. He’s my world.

And he’s more than enough.

 

This post was inspired by an article I read on Pregnant Chicken called, “Just One”

 

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22 thoughts on “The next child debate

  1. I recently said to my husband when in 6 months I decide I want another one, please don’t let me forget what we went through to and please remind me of everything we’ve been through to have this one. Our one beautiful son might just have to be enough!
    So, I respect and get your thinking right now. We’ve made a decision to not even discuss a second one until at least 10 months (there is a minimum requirement of 12 months after birth before adoption paperwork can be submitted for a second which is why our time line is fairly easy to determine).

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, I agree. One good thing about breastfeeding is that I can’t make a decision to move back into treatment without him being weaned. I guess that gives us a bit of a timeline without us having to actually commit to one right now.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I just had my rainbow baby 8 weeks ago and am already talking about the next one (hopefully)! I went through too much to have my son to ever take him for granted so I’m not too worried about him feeling unloved when/if a new baby comes along. I don’t know you personally but you’ve obviously been through a lot to have a baby, I’m sure you’ll be a great mom of two whenever you’re ready!

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  3. Wow, very well written. I always thought I wanted two kids, but after experiencing RPL, I think o could be just fine with one, however that one comes to us. Convincing my husband one is enough may be a whole other matter.

    Thank you for sharing.

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  4. On the flip side, there are five kids in my family and we are all 2 years apart (accept my sister, who is 4 years younger). We are all extremly close and have the most amazing bond and friendships. We’d rather spend time with each other a lot of the time, than other friends. So I don’t think children are traumatised by having to learn to live with and accept a younger sibling. In fact I think it teaches them valuable lessons about sharing and being part of a family, not always the centre of it.

    That said – after 3 failed IUIs, 3 fresh rounds of IVF, 5 FETs and a miscarriage, the idea of getting back on the IVF rollercoaster after I have these twins scares me too. And I do think it’s great to spend time appreciating the baby you have 🙂

    I guess we will all know if and when the time is right for us.

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  5. Good for you being able to identify with your feelings on the subject. I can’t say I blame you one bit. You’ve been through so much, you deserve to spend every ounce of energy right now on your beautiful little boy and wonderful husband. XOXO

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  6. It’s so so hard to decide when (like we actually have that power, right?!) my sister and I are almost five years apart and, well, you know what our relationship is like. So I either want mine really close or farther than five years. Though I try not to put too too much stock in it because I think so much of it is how they’re raised. And then there’s the whole “I’m not working full time NOW so maybe we should try to get the next one on board soon” issue.

    And then sometimes I wonder how I could ever love a baby as much as I love Charlie.

    Again. It’s hard.

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  7. I love how honest you are about all of these things – the struggles, the joys; all of it. I personally waited 6 years between children but honestly I feel guilty about not having them closer together. They won’t play together – they won’t grow up playing baseball together or even share the same school. My oldest is very protective and loving of his little brother – but there’s still a disconnect there and I feel like I’m juggling two separate worlds with both kids. They are in 2 completely different places in their development and lives, it’s hard to juggle the two. The pro’s to having them so far apart are selfish reasons – my 6 year old sleeps through the night, he gets himself dressed every day, he can feed himself, get himself water/milk, play by himself, do chores, help me with the baby, etc. I wish the best to you when you do decide if you want to move forward or not – but for now, enjoy those precious baby snuggles!! They grow up too fast. 😦

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  8. This is an internal struggle I relate to so much. My son is only 5 months old but I hate that due to infertility/RPL I already feel pressure from myself to think about when to try to have a second one. I was able to get pregnant 5 times in 3 years but had four losses due to various issues. I wish I could be someone who just “let things happen” but with some of my issues I need to be a serious medication to successfully stay pregnant. I don’t want to wait too long but I also don’t want to deal with that stress yet or put my son through those emotions. I totally get where you are right now and I hope you can figure out what’s best for you and your family.

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  9. First of all, good for you for vowing to just enjoy your son now before letting infertility take over your life! I think that is very smart. I enjoyed my daughter for about 9 months before throwing myself into the loss and infertility arena. And while I don’t regret starting to try again that soon (especially knowing how long it took), it does make me sad. So much of Lettie’s early life is filled with mom going to doctors appointments and mom being sad all the time, etc. I know my stress got passed down to her, as much as I tried to avoid it, and that seems really unfair. I have a lot of guilt about it.

    And as far as spacing between children goes, I was determined to have my kids be two years apart. I was nine years younger than my closest sibling (I was an oops baby. My mom had her tubes tied and then got pregnant with me a year later. Oh, the irony!), and I never felt close to any of my brothers and sisters. I always envied those siblings who were close in age. Well, two years didn’t work out, obviously. If all continues to go well with this pregnancy, Lettie and her sister will be about four years apart. And you know what? That feels just about perfect. I think however far apart your children end up being (should you decide to go for a second), will be just right.

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  10. I’ve had a very similar post brewing. I have these moments where I crave another baby, but at the same time, I’m stuck with this feeling that I already have absolute perfection–how could I possibly want anything more? And how could another child possibly be as perfect as this one? I go around in circles, and I’ve come to the same conclusion as you… we’ll wait to decide until something feels right one way or the other.

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  11. I totally get where you are coming from. There are times that I feel guilty for wanting more children….not because of the want for more children, but because I worry that it would take away from Luke.

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  12. I feel exactly the same way as you, except I am weaning already so we can do IVF again. But we are doing a freeze-all so I don’t feel immense pressure to transfer as we’ll do a FET when we are ready. I also have the “benefit” of the c-section buying me some more time during which I don’t have to think about this at all.

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    • You’ve inspired me. I am pregnant with twins from IVF, and there’s an assumption at the moment that (all going well with the twins) we won’t have any more kids. But I might consider a cycle and freeze all when I wean in case I change my mind. Though it took 3 cycles to get this pregnancy, so it would be leaving it up to fate in many ways…

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    • I have been contemplating that approach. We know my body did way better off the FET. A future freeze all would most likely be our plan too if/when we pursue IVF again. Looking forward to following the next leg of your journey. I’ve got a few other friends gearing up for Round 2 as well. It’s exciting yet scary to even watch you go through it.

      Like

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