WARNING: Mommy stress

I’m having a rough 2 days.

Worry.

Anxiety.

Stress.

Arguments with my husband.

I’m feeling disconnected from myself.

I escaped 3x in the past week for some much needed Mommy time – without feeling guilty or worrying – as Wyatt was with my husband. One night was a girl’s night at a friends. I didn’t even have one drink, but probably should have! Another night, I got my hair cut and coloured as I hadn’t had a colour since the summer. And Saturday morning, I went to yoga class and had lunch with a friend.

Now as I write this, little man is crying for me. I snuck away from our bed to write on my laptop in the rocking chair in the nursery (because you know – the nursery is used for folding laundry since we cosleep – HA!).

I’m feeling torn between his new found independence and his dependence on me. It’s a weird place to be as a Mother. Some days your little one seems so gr….

Fast forward 6 hours…

And I’m back. It’s 4:30 a.m. I started this post at 10:30 pm.

As I was saying, some days your little one seems so grown up and other days they still want you, still need you.

With an increased sense of independence comes less tolerance. During the newborn phase, you could easily pack them up while they were sleeping and do what you needed to do. Wyatt is not much of a napper. I laugh at all of the suggested hours of sleep/day. I’m lucky if I get 1-2 hours from the time we wake until my husband gets home. Some days are better than others, but I just can’t depend on it.  We have established a definite afternoon nap though. Meltdown mode will begin by 3pm if he hasn’t had a nap.

Maybe that’s it? I’ve always said I’m not much of a routine person, but with baby dictating the schedule, I’ve got even less control over my life than ever before. Whenever I get stressed, it usually boils down to control.

My husband and I got in a HUGE fight on Sunday which led to me locking myself in the bathroom with the baby. I thought a nice relaxing bath might make me feel better, but then Wyatt decided to poop in the tub. Another moment of hilarity in which I was shown I have no control over mom life.

I’m still processing what it is that triggered me this weekend, but it’s a combo of the following:

  • Husband messing up the very organized storage room that I neatly put together prior to baby’s arrival
  • Husband misplacing the rain cover from our stroller which I wanted to use to get out of the house and block the wind from baby’s face
  • Feeling like NO ONE listens to me – and I mean TRULY listens to me
  • The distance between my Mom and I, along with her closer relationship to my sister these days
  • Attempting to plan a trip to visit my family knowing that a lot of what we have to do is unreasonable, but it is what it is (i.e. having to rent a car for a week because they refuse to drive from the cottage to the airport to get us)
  • Getting a slight taste of my own independence back only to realize its a facade. Mom’s don’t really have independence.
  • My vagina. My pelvic floor and scar tissue are tight and sore. And you know, I’ve got a ton of solo time to work on self massage as recommended by my new physiotherapist. 
  • Guilt over self care. I haven’t been to acupuncture, chiro or massage in a few weeks.
  • My back is sore.
  • Feeling like I’m missing an in-person support network.
  • Fear
  • Anger
  • The lack of intimacy in our marriage – and I don’t mean just sexual.
  • My constant nagging before my husband gets anything done
  • Too much time on my cell phone. Sometimes I find myself lost in the baby wearing groups, browsing cloth diaper B/S/T groups and browsing our local online classifieds. Productive? Hell no. Enriching my life? Definitely not.
  • Money – who really has money on maternity leave? I’m feeling grumpy as I know I need to curb my spending even more to ensure we don’t go into debt until I’m back at work.
  • Sleep training?!?!? Is this shit for real?
  • Lack of routine? Am I a weirdo for not sleep training my kid?
  • Relatives who ask ridiculous questions like, “Oh is he eating food yet?” He just turned 3 months. Fuck off! 
  • The fact that I’ve asked for a date night for 2 months now – a real date night – not an “I’m starving and don’t feel like cooking so let’s go out” night. My expectations are reasonable. I just want to do my hair, wear make up, put on some decent clothes, bring the baby with and enjoy a nice meal without our cell phones in our hands. BUT… my husband thinks it’s more important to plan wing nights with his boys 😐
  • The neglected fur-babies. And the fact that Max just had 8 teeth extracted from his tiny, rotted chihuahua mouth last Tuesday. He’s just genetically got bad teeth. Our other chi has perfect teeth. 
  • That my son witnessed my husband and I yelling at each other. I always said I did not want him to grow up seeing his parents fight like I did, yet maybe it’s healthier to be honest about the frustration, rather than hide it and let it boil? Fuck me. Parenting decisions are tough. 
  • COMMUNICATION. Why do men SUCK at it?
  • Resistance. Why does my husband resist the things that would make our relationship so much easier? (Namely: communication and organization)

I just get so frustrated that it typically takes a break down from me before my husband WAKES UP. He is a great father. He loves playing with our son. I’m so happy with his relationship with Wyatt. But, being a great father and being a great husband are two different categories.  I didn’t expect our marriage to be the same post-baby, but I do feel like we are on different pages many days now.  My Mom always says that my expectations of my husband are too high, but I say fuck that. I believe that a relationship requires effort from both partners. Just because you have a dick doesn’t mean that you get an easy pass.

My best friend, who lives two provinces away, has been an amazing support the past few weeks. She shares in my frustration with man brain. It’s reassuring to know she’s only a phone call away. She makes me feel connected even if we can’t be together in person. I’m so grateful for her.

As for my husband, I hope he schedules his counselling appointment like he’s promised me. I know he doesn’t want to see me stressed and unhappy. He just needs a quick check in to get back on track.

As for me, I don’t want to feel this way. When I’m centred and balanced, I’m a better wife and a better Mom. I vow to take more deep breaths this week, put on some happy music and have a dance party with my little man. I know I need to refocus and find more time for self care – journalling, blogging, meditating, yoga, and walks outside. Even if the Canadian winter makes me want to hibernate, fresh air is good for the soul.

As for all my frustrations, I don’t need to figure them out. It’s ok to feel off balance every now and again. I just need to prioritize what really matters, let go of what I can’t control and move forward with my life.

/endrant

Time for me to crawl back into bed before my big man and my little man wake up. ❤

 

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20 thoughts on “WARNING: Mommy stress

  1. I can completely understand the man issues! I’ve made a post about it recently myself. It’s frustrating but I’m finding, unfortunately, that us women really take the lead in the household and handle literally EVERYTHING. Including managing our own relationship with our husbands/partners! Best of luck to you finding your new normal and adjusting comfortably. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh it’s not just men, hunny! I’ve been very frustrated with DW as well, but it’s complicated because she’s pregnant right now and I’m trying to cut her some slack. I also can’t really post about it because she reads the blog. I have heard that 3-4 months is when postpartum depression/anxiety peaks, and I wonder if it’s because it’s a very challenging and complex time- the dependence/independence you describe. When are you planning on visiting Ontario? Any chance we could sneak a date in with you? Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June for sure. Not booked yet but will be before the end of the week. As for another time, waiting for my friend to let me know if we can squeeze it in before they start a kitchen reno. Will let you know if that earlier trip pans out. It’s funny you say it’s not just men because I’ve often thought if women would make a better, more understanding partner. The most fascinating thing about your relationship is that she’s about to experience it all too! Well, hopefully the postpartum blues peak and go away. I’ve cried like 3x this week and only like once or twice in the 3 months before this

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      • It’s so hard though, because I feel like I’m biting my tongue all the time. I didn’t complain much during my pregnancy (to her) because she’s really a “suck it up buttercup” kind of person. But now that she’s getting the aches and pains, I have a hard time sympathizing without thinking “I told you so!”, which is probably the worst thing I could say to a hormonal pregnant lady who sleeps in the same bed as me lol.

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      • What’s helped me a lot is making local mom friends and going out with our babies to things- we did sushi yesterday for lunch, I’m doing yoga tomorrow, and coffee on Thursday. It’s that time to feel like you’re out and about (not cooped up at home), and you’re able to feel more human because you get dressed and dress the baby up in a cute outfit. Kinda like a date.

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  3. I related to a lot of your post but wanted to give my two cents on the fighting in front of the baby part. I can count the number of times I have seen my parents fight on one hand. Which was great in a way and I had a very stable childhood. However, when I got married myself, I found I didn’t really know how to handle someone that didn’t just stay calm and talk things out when there was a disagreement. It took me a while to figure out what was healthy anger and what was unhealthy anger because I had never had examples of either. If you’re fighting all the time or if you personally attack each other when you fight then yes, that’s not good for children to see but I feel like there is a happy medium out there where you show children that it’s okay to disagree and even get heated but that you should always try and find a resolution. I am not a parent so I could be wrong, I am just giving my perspective as the child of two parents who never fought and possibly missed out on some valuable lessons because of it.

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    • Thank you for that perspective. I was brought up with the unhealthy fighting. My husband was brought up with fighting behind closed doors away from the kids and pretending it never happens. You are right though. Anytime we argue I’m always trying to find a resolution. The baby was there – right in the middle – when we hugged it out at the end. I’m really going to consider that healthy vs unhealthy concept moving forward. I know we need to work on better communication so that the arguments aren’t fueled by anger and frustration from an unwillingness to participate in productive dispute. In fact, I may share this comment with him as I think it could help. I told him afterwards how upset I was to have been upset like that in front of Wyatt.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh friend… I can relate to so much of this. Like mamaetmaman said, it’s not just men. Babies and postpartum issues really throw perfectly normal relationships for a loop. Catch and I have done our fair share of arguing in front of Charlotte. It may not be healthy, but it’s life… she’s going to have one of her own someday, and at least she’ll have realistic expectations of marriage. At least, that’s what I tell myself. Besides, she sees WAY more of us being kind to each other than she sees us arguing.

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  5. I totally empathize with this post on so many levels. Honestly I’m kind of selfishly happy to hear my hubby and I aren’t the only ones who aren’t in some (mythological?) post-baby bliss. Marriage ain’t easy… And being married and parents certainly isn’t going to make it any smoother. Thinking of you and hoping you find some peace and equilibrium soon.

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  6. My husband is the exact same way, and we don’t even have a baby yet. I never understand why it takes yelling at them 5000 times and then having a breakdown for them to actually listen to you and get it. They’re so thick-headed sometimes. I don’t think that it’s wrong for you to enjoy a bit of your independence and time to yourself. That doesn’t make you a bad mom, it makes you a normal person. Hang in there, and try to make sure to make your own mental health a priority too!

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  7. I’ve had those moments with my Husband. As the man, who still goes to work, their world is not quite as upended as ours is. I hate that I can be quicker to snap at him. The best thing is that you ARE recognizing what is wrong and what can be done to fix it. I think half the time that is the problem. And yes, date nights are important and he needs to know that. Don’t let up on him:)

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  8. Girl, I am with you on almost every bullet. It’s tough. No joke. Your man won’t get it. Not for a long time. It’s taken near meltdowns to get it through to mine. Til then stick with it. Wyatt loves you. Don’t forget that.

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  9. I’m sorry you’ve had a couple of tough days. My baby also doesn’t nap during the day almost at all. Unless I’m driving him around in the car, and that’s not really practical. So I never get to sleep during the day either and by the time my husband gets home my hair stands on end. And then he’s great at taking care of the baby but after an hour and a half he ALWAYS turns to me and says “you want to take him?” No, no I don’t, lol. And then he points out that he has no time for himself because he works all day and then I hand over the baby to him when he gets home. Well, he did admit that I make sure he has time for a 45 min work out at the gym every night first thing he gets back. But hello when do I have time to myself? He says, well when Henry is sleeping. LOL.

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  10. Pingback: Taking some time for me | Awaiting Autumn

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