Today I cried

My baby was in my arms nursing and I cried. He looked up at me and gave a confused grimace. I told him I loved him and it wasn’t because of him.

It started out as a few tears silently cascading down my face and transformed into full blown sobs.

My son kept his little hand on mine, peaceful and asleep.

Today I cried.

I cried because of..

The burden of infertility. The heaviness still weighs me down. I long for another child. I want to be a mother of two.

The missed chance of conception without treatment. I’m down one tube. Our odds are even lower than when we started.

The pain and heartache.

The scars and surgeries.

The Angel watching down on us.

The birth that wasn’t what I desired, how my son was forced to enter this world – even if we agreed to the approach.

My completely transformed vagina. Learning to unfold yourself as a sexual goddess and a new mother is a challenging feat. I’m not ready yet.

The resentment within me that has boiled up and over many times on this journey.

The wondering and questioning.

The struggle to balance between masculine and feminine energies.

The fact that this era allows women so much freedom, yet so much constraint.

When my husband just doesn’t get it,  even though he does. He just doesn’t like to show it.

PTSD.

Every other woman longing for a child or facing the decision to have another.

Labels. Blame. Misrepresentation.

Unnecessary silence. Unsaid thoughts.

Gratefulness. I know we are blessed.

Tears of joy washed away what felt like soot stains from grief, anger, jealousy, and sadness.

Relief.

Sometimes I just need to cry.

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20 thoughts on “Today I cried

  1. Beautiful and honest post. I had a breakdown the other night and I was sobbing when Tony walked in from work. Being pregnant makes me realize how much hurt I truly had to go through. I had a moment I just needed to cry for the babies that I couldn’t feel kick, plan for their arrival, and have people be excited about.While I’m so thankful to be pregnant with Nora, I still miss my other babies so much. xoxo Hugs to you.

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  2. Happy tears, the way I see it. Your baby is lucky he has such a sensitive momma who knows what’s really important…
    Take care, sweetie.

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  3. I’ve cried many times over this, probably amplified by the fact we are meeting with our RE in 3 weeks already to discuss the next cycle. We don’t have any PGS-tested normal embryos left and are unwilling to transfer an untested one (of which we have two) so that’s left us with no choice really. I have a lot of anxiety about undergoing that process all over again.

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  4. Yes, everything you wrote. I still have a chip on my shoulder about it all. It’s not obvious and constant, at least I hope not?, but it’s there. Last night I was having friends over and before they came I was having imaginary conversations about IF… Or should I say, STILL having them… Sometimes when I’m alone, I try to articulate to a stranger what it feels like and why it messes you up.

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  5. Yep. Yep yep yep. I feel you on this so hard. I still struggle with pregnancy announcements. I still feel stupid every time I think I might be pregnant because accidental pregnancies don’t happen to me. It’s all so hard.

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  6. This is exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. My miracle baby is only 3 months old but I am already feeling so much anxiety about trying to have another one. After 4 losses and 3+ years of infertility I hate/feel resentful about how choosing to try to have another kid is so much more difficult/involved for me than it is for a lot of people.

    I am so blessed to have the one I do but the process wasn’t easy (as I know it wasn’t for you either) and I am scared to death about how/when/if to try again and what that could mean for me physically and emotionally. I also worry about what the process will do to me as a mother and if it will take away from my time and experience with him when the time comes.

    Wishing you peace in the process!

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  7. Everything you said and more. This entire process from infertility to parenthood and beyond is so incredibly hard. Harder by the fact that things didn’t go the way we planned for all those years. I can’t say that the journey from here is going to be easy, I have no idea. I do know that you don’t have to do it alone. I am here for you 100%

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