Pregnancy announcements that stir up judgement

I find it really hard when people get pregnant naturally after trying to conceive for many years or after conceiving once through fertility treatments. I mean it’s an amazing blessing for them, but it’s super hard for me to wrap my head around it.

The hardest part of all is how fertile people react to these stories. It’s like the whole myth of “just relax” is completely validated to them.

Recently, an old friend of mine announced her pregnancy. We are still Facebook friends, but don’t keep in touch more than a few messages once or twice a year. When I came out about our infertility struggles, she messaged me as her partner and her were considering seeking treatment. I offered her some advice, but never got an update on their status.

She’s also friends with my parents. My Dad asked if I saw her announcement. I said yes and mentioned how I wondered if they ended up doing treatment? My Dad said my Mom spoke to her and it sounded like they hadn’t. His response was abrupt. What I got out of it was the fact that they didn’t NEED treatment.

This reaction stirred up something inside of me. I’m not sure whether I’m still feeling judged by my family for pursuing fertility treatments or if I’m still struggling with their lack of understanding.

When this happens, I start questioning things like…

Would we have conceived on our own if we waited longer?” 

“Did we need to try HARDER?” 

“If they didn’t need treatment, why did we?”

None of these questions are productive. They stir up feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and resentment.

Am I ashamed of my infertility? Definitely not. And I’m sure not afraid to share my story, but I still have some work to do on embracing our success.

There is no sense in comparing my journey to someone else’s.  Each and every fertility journey is unique – even for couples who have also done IVF. Science can predict certain things, but not everything. Sometimes the unexplained remains unexplained.

I don’t need to justify the reasoning behind our decision to move forward with treatment. I just need to accept that our decision was the right one for us.

Although it’s hard not to dwell on the negative and question why you’ve been dealt a certain hand, it’s way healthier to focus on the positive outcomes.  Wyatt is a miracle of science and love. IVF helped us bring him into the world and gave us the biggest blessing of our life. For that, I will be forever grateful.

I am a proud Momma of a beautiful IVF baby.

Damn proud.

Immensely grateful.

As long as I keep that in my heart, I know I can let go of all judgement and let love lead me forward. ❤

 

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19 thoughts on “Pregnancy announcements that stir up judgement

  1. I hate judgement at the best of times, but I particularly despise it when it comes from those who don’t understand and make no effort to understand. I’m glad you’re not letting this judgement get your down. You should be proud of the path you’ve walked to welcome Wyatt into your lives!!

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  2. I think you are right on the money here — this is your and Wyatt’s story and no one else’s. Wyatt was meant to come to you through IVF — that is how it was meant to play out for you guys…and that is just perfect. I also agree that these types of pregnancy announcements are hard. I was talking to a friend about a couple who got pregnant naturally after infertility. This friend knows I am going through fertility treatments as well. And he was like, “See? All they needed to do was relax.” I really wanted to punch him.

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  3. I completely know where you are coming from on this one. I have def felt that a fertile “threw it in my face” when someone they knew got pregnant naturally afrer trying for a long time or suffering with infertility. It’s great for them that happened but it doesn’t mean it will happen for me. All of this is kind of a crapshoot. Some people do IVF multiple times and there is no rhyme or reason why it does or doesn’t work. I’m sorry they made you feel that way. Hugs girl.

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  4. I had a realization when Darwin was quite young that I could no longer maintain any regrets about anything that had happened before she was conceived. Had anything been different, there would be no Darwin. And that was unthinkable. Your story is complex and full of its own struggles and sadness and joy, choices to be made, but without everything that came before, there would be no Wyatt. And really, that’s just an unacceptable option! I’ve had people tell me “but there would have probably been another baby”, and all I can think is “wow, you really don’t get it!”

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  5. I’m right there with you. Just because it happened for them, doesn’t mean it would have worked the same way for you. But those “just relax” people take it as proof that we were just trying too hard.

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  6. This sort of reminds me how everyone keeps asking about baby #2 bc I’m pregnant now. I’ve gotten comments like, “now your body knows what to do” and “now you won’t be stressed.” I have to explain that it was a hormone balancing act with great medical care. I chose my path bc it worked for me and *if* we even try for #2 (you know if #1 gets here safely). I will be taking the same path. I agree this isn’t really about anyone else.

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  7. I hate the just relax BS as well. Nature doesn’t work because you are relaxed. I wish people would get that.
    I sometimes think to myself, did we jump the gun on treatments? If we had just kept trying on our own, would it have happened? We got pregnant once, even though it didn’t work out…was that a fluke? Would it have been better the next time? It drives me nuts when I think that way, because I feel in my heart that it wouldn’t have worked again. I’m thankful to have found a wonderful team of Drs to help me, and we’ve learned so much along the way. So no matter what, know that you DID do the right thing, BECAUSE you have Wyatt now. 🙂

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  8. People are so ignorant!

    On a similar note, now that we have our baby, we get asked about #2 ALL THE TIME which is challenging in its own right but even worse is the prevalent idea that now that my body knows what to do, it will happen quickly and naturally next time. Like the fact that we have one baby dismisses the probability of further struggles to conceive as well as the previous heartbreak. People just don’t get it. It’s like “just relax” has an equally annoying twin “your body just knows what to do now!” Eff that!

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  9. I TOTALLY agree with what you said about the “just relax” thing being “justified” when people like that get pregnant naturally. It is quite mind boggling. Also, sorry to hear about the phone call with your dad…that is super frustrating! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that.

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