The start of mothering and healing

Where has the time gone? I’ve been trying to write a post for a while now, but getting two hands on my laptop at once is difficult these days. I’m writing this post at 5:30 am on my cell phone in the bath tub. Mike made me go to bed early last night. I’ve already had 6 hours of (interrupted) sleep even though I’ve been up for an hour and a half. My body and mind are wide awake. It’s funny how you adjust.

Wyatt is already over 5 weeks old. The longest stretch he’s gone between feedings at night is 6.5 hours; although, we average about 3. He’s a nighthawk like his Momma. He prefers to go to bed later at like 11pm and sleep in until 9 am (with feedings in between). We’re trying to get him to bed earlier though.

He’s been on a nap strike for the past few days. He clings to me and doesn’t want to be put down. For two days, he didn’t have a decent nap (translation: more than 10 minutes) until 3pm. Yesterday, I’ve found success by putting him in my new Ergobaby carrier. I picked it up last night. Another couple purchased it by didn’t use it. It still even had the tags on. I tried a Boba stretchy wrap, but little man hates being confined and needs his arms out. He’s not a swaddler at all. I also tried a Beco (original model). I bought it used for an extremely good deal, but the shoulder straps kept falling off after multiple adjustments. It just wasn’t the right fit for me. I hope the Ergo is the one.

Wyatt is still a milk monster. He loves to eat and I’m grateful that my supply is good. My left nipple is still bothering me. I’ve been experiencing vasopasms from poor latch. Changing positions has helped (football works best). I was exhausted the other night and let him eat in the side lying position in bed. He went to town on it after I fell asleep and it’s sore again. I might stop in at a local lactation clinic this week and see if they have any additional advice.

As for me, my lady bits are STILL healing. The stitches are almost gone, but I’ve still got a few. I’ve notice the most progress this week, but it still gets sore and itchy. I had a reaction earlier this week where I sprayed perenium spray too soon after using Anusol. My entire ass crack was red and burning. I decided to avoid the use of any product for a week and the healing has sped up. My reccomendation for others who experience a similar episiotomy and tear is to keep it clean and dry. Bath a few times a day. Use a perenium spray early on if it’s too dry and the stitches are pulling, but your healing will speed up if you let nature take its course.

As for the past few weeks, I’m adjusting well to motherhood. The biggest challenge has been accepting a slower pace of life (and the fact that my once spotless house is now a clutter zone). Wyatt determines the schedule and sometimes Momma won’t be able to get done what she hoped to that day. Overall, my son is such a content little baby. He only fusses if he’s hungry, wet or needs a burp – and I’m very grateful for this!

Wyatt was a bit gassy this week. I’m going to eliminate a few foods this next week and see if a can determine which caused it (Dairy? Tomatoes? Chocolate?). I haven’t been good at following my own food aversions lately. Fixing the diet should fix the tummy for both of us.

One funny thing about Wyatt is he hates being in a wet diaper and it’s even worse if it’s a disposable. I finally got him into cloth diapers for 2 days last week. He didn’t fuss as much if his cloth diaper was wet.

As for the cloth, I’m finding the most luck with my Prefolds or Hybrid styles. I have some Bummis Prefolds, but my husband hates folding and how bulky they are. They are fine for when I’m home alone with the little man. The huge lot of used diapers I bought contained both Flip Hybrids and BumGenius Pockets in both snaps and aplex (velcro). All the reviews you read online say that BumGenius fit awesome and velcro can give you a tighter fit than snaps. Well, that’s not the case for me. The Velcro BumGenius are too big in the legs for Wyatt. I even tried a brand new diaper to see if maybe the replaced elastic was still too stretched. I am finding luck with my Flip covers and liners, and some of the BumGenius pockets with snaps. I’m going to hang onto the Velcro pockets and see if he grows into them, but if not, I’ll just resell them. I scoured the Black Friday sales and managed to find a great deal on 2 more Flip covers and 2 more sets of liners. Since those fit the best, we will go with it for now. I actually think I’m going to use cloth wipes at home too. I’m picking up a purchased but never actually used wipes warmer later this week. yes, I’m a sucker for watching the online used baby ads. Seriously, you can save a fortune by buying gently used items!

My mom and my sister came for a visit when Wyatt was 3 weeks old. I don’t want to get into how horribly wrong it went, but I’ll just say that I have some work to do on healing my relationship with my Mother. And I think I’ve finally come to a place of completely letting go of my very broken relationship with my sister. It’s all for the best.

Oh and… my fertile brother and his wife are expecting Baby #2. This wasn’t a surprise to us, but it did stir up my fear and anxieties around what it may take for us to have a second child.

I’ve decided to work with a intituive midwife from New Zealand who helps women heal from birth trauma. I stumbled upon her online and was drawn to her program as it appeared to have similarities to the fertility coaching I had done. I didn’t realize Wyatt’s birth had affected me negatively until I started feeling uneasy about my perineum healing. I kept replaying this image of my baby being ripped from my vagina over and over again in my head. I feel disconnected from my sexuality and sensuality, but I know that can take some time for a new Mom to regain it. I’m feeling encouraged to put myself out there again, dig deep into the issues and sort out how I’m feeling. There’s also deep connections between a woman’s birth experience and her own relationship with her Mother. I think it’s perfect timing for me to explore that.

I was concerned about cost of the program and being on maternity leave, but the universe has unveiled some positive signs that we can make it work. My husband had a better year on the farm than he expected and offered me some funds. And the cost of the healing program just went on promotion! Besides, I’m a firm believer than self healing and growth is always a good investment. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes once the program starts.

12 thoughts on “The start of mothering and healing

  1. I hope you like the Ergo!

    As for the bumgenius, Wyatt is still pretty little. They may fit him better later but you may also find that you continue to enjoy the hybrid style. It’s all good. Just wanted to mention that bumgenius do tend to fit better on an older baby.


    • Ah that’s good to know. I’m not sure how much Wyatt weighs now but he was almost 10lbs at 3 weeks. I just assumed they should fit by now, but I can wait it out. The Flip hybrids are so much less bulky though. Mike likes them because you don’t get the bulk, but isn’t cloth all about that cute squishy tushie? 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. We use a diaper service, so prefolds are our only option. I totally get what your hubby thinks about the bulk. They are so dang bulky sometimes. We just had to go up a size and now it feels like she’s all diaper. It seriously made me want to switch to disposables. (Now that I’m working, washing our own diapers just isn’t gonna happen.) You’ll find your groove with the cloth. I have to say that so far Rumparooz covers have been the best for us, but that’s with prefolds. The legs adjust really well.

    As for the healing, just be patient. I had a tear with plenty of stitches and even after the wound healed, I still had a lot of aching-type pain for a long time. I’d say until 14/16 weeks. It felt like it took forever to heal.

    Wyatt is adorable!


  3. I hope your healing continues and that you’ve found the right person to help you through some of the emotions surrounding the trauma of Wyatts birth. I think investing in you is the best step forward! I have to say i was sad to read that the visit with your mom and sister did not go well, but i am glad you have reached a state of acceptance. I am always touched by your family situation as we seem to have this in common. I look forward to also reaching my place of acceptance, I know I need to get there.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Baby’s shed a lot of (not always flattering) light on our relatiomships with other people–I hope that your postpartum healing journey includes healing and creating healthy boundaries for yourself and your nuclear family (which is your DH and your son).
    I love my ergo 360 carrier and so does BG! She likes to face outward. I like the original ergo too but BG didn’t. I also love my ring sling, especially around the house (like in the morning when BG wants to be held but I neeeeed my hands free to make my first cup of coffee!!!) Hugs, XOXO


    • Which brand of ring sling do you have? Everyone keeps reccomending them. As for my family, would you believe I could hear YOUR voice in my head telling me I was crazy to let my sister back in. Now that Wyatt is here, I’ve tightened the boundaries and am not willing to put up with disrespect. Clearly that didn’t go over well.


      • Guuuuurl, my sister has been on time out 2x since BG was born–she unloads on me and then rugsweeps and kisses my ass. I finally told her yesterday (after she called me after 2 months of silence) that I want a relationship with her but it may just have to be a very polite and superficial one. Crazy, huh? Anyways, my point is that it takes time to break out of a dysfunctional pattern and it takes effort to essentially *re-train* people how to treat you or accept (as I did with my dad) that a cut off is the best and only solution. It’s a process. XOXO
        P.S. I have a Maya ring sling, and a water ring sling (that I used in Costa Rica). I love the Maya, the linen is not too hot in summer and is now soft from wear, and the padded shoulder is nice–good price too. I’m considering getting another sling but can’t decide which to try!


  5. Sounds like overall things are going well. Sorry the visit from your mom and sister didn’t go as you had hoped it would though. I hope that the program you found can help you out both with your feelings about the birth and maybe even with your family. Hang in there!


  6. BumGenius NBs are good for wee ones (I’ve just sold 36 out of my stash of 48! The resale is awesome) we used them for possibly 3/4 months before we had to size up. I HATED how bulky the AIO BGs were so we sent them back! I now use AMP covers and I looooove them! They never leave nasty elastic marks on their skin and if I change them every 3ish hours I dint get a leak!
    Of course I’m vain and if we’re out they’re in disposables so their clothes look nicer!

    We use cloth wipes too, and of course the cloth wipes warmer. Totally recommend!
    As for your mum and sister … Sorry it was a fail! Protect your bubble no matter what x


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