Trusting in the process

I’ve come to a big realization lately.

My thinking that our little man would arrive early was primarily driven out of fear. I wanted him to arrive early because the sooner he is earth side, the sooner he is in my arms and the sooner everything is safe.

This fear derived from years of failing to conceive, followed by a successful IVF conception which resulted in an ectopic pregnancy loss. Every time we thought we were almost there, it was taken away from us. Call it PTSD. Call it crazy. Call it whatever you want. The point is: the past few years have been emotionally traumatic.

In the infertility and pregnancy loss community, we support each other, but we also are too familiar with each other’s stories of grief and despair. It continues to fuel our own insecurities. I keep thinking back to a woman I met through a friend a year ago whose son was stillborn. She was due to be induced, but was sent home due to the labour and delivery unit being full. When she returned 48 hours later, their son had passed on.

As I made my way through the 3rd trimester, this story sat in the back of my mind. I convinced myself that my son HAD to arrive before 40 weeks. There was NO WAY he was coming late. There was NO WAY I would face what this other woman did.

In all honesty, I do believe that he will arrive safely. I can’t predict how or when – especially since I’ve turned my intuition down to protect myself during this pregnancy – but I know that he will be in my arms, crying, breathing, eating and being the little human being that we have created.

I feel very fortunate to have many friends in the medical and holistic wellness communities that I can turn to for support. Even though the old wives tales aren’t helping me to bring on my labour, I have been reassured by many friends that it’s completely normal for a first time Mom to go overdue. Since I have zero medical reason for an early induction, our local hospital would not even consider it a possibility until 10 days past my due date. That being said, I know that induction labours can be lengthy, have increased pain and also increase the risk of requiring a c-section. One of my nursing friends highly recommended I wait as long as I can before agreeing to induction.

Tomorrow afternoon, I have an OB appointment. I’ll be 41 weeks. I keep hoping my son will arrive naturally before this weekend, but I know tomorrow is an opportunity to discuss my options with my doctor. I guarantee he will do another membrane sweep and hopefully that does the trick.

My acupuncturist reminded me today that it’s ok to be happy. It’s ok to let go of the fears that have been deeply rooted in me due to past traumas and open myself up to joy and love as we bring our son into this world.

She’s right.

Sometimes when you’ve spent so long being pulled down, you almost expect something to go wrong. It’s hard to let yourself experience true happiness.

As I approach the birth of my son, I’m ready to accept it whichever way its meant to unfold. I will embrace it. I will own it. I will make it the best experience possible for my husband, my son and myself. Although there will always be fear during times of change, I will not let it steal my joy.

We’ve come so far. We’ve worked so hard to get here. We deserve it. It’s our time and I’m ready.

Motherhood awaits me.

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18 thoughts on “Trusting in the process

  1. Oh hon. I know exactly what you’re talking about! I had the same fears too. You will experience all the joy but the fear won’t completely go away either. And that’s ok. I truly believe you will be holding your beautiful boy very soon. Fingers crossed its soon soon (maybe tonight soon)! Sending you prayers for a quick and easy delivery and for the safe arrival of your little man! ❤️

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  2. I’m feeling so many fears based on past experiences and I know when I’m waiting for my baby girl on April, I’ll feel very much the same. This is a beautiful, yet very true post. Yes, motherhood awaits you and thank you for sharing this.

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  3. Yes, I love this post. I can relate to it on so many levels. The fear is so strong sometimes! I do think there is a high concentration of tragedy on these blogs, which can be difficult sometimes. You are doing a great job and it sounds like you’re in an awesome headspace right now.

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  4. Beautiful post!! The fear is real, totally get that. I think the more you know the more you have to be scared of too. I too am so glad you have so many friends in the medical/holistic world too….also I’m glad you have your acupuncturist, she sounds wonderful! Thinking of you….the reality of it is that there isn’t much more time, regardless. Positive vibes heading your way! XOXO

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  5. So interesting that you wrote this because I was about to do a very similar post. I have a friend who had a stillborn a few weeks ago at around 35 weeks. He was due one day before our little guy. She just stopped feeling movement one day and that was it. As you can imagine I have been in a state of panic ever since. I still don’t really believe we’re having a take-home baby until he’s in my arms and declared healthy. So these last days are torturous. Now I know the day on which we are having him so I tick off days every morning. 6 to go, but my anxiety builds anytime I don’t feel him move or think he’s being quiet. And then he roars back up and his u/s is great and he kills his NSTs, yet the fear lingers. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this will never go away and that our experiences mean that we’ll never have that easygoing, worry-free pregnancy, if such a thing exists. Now I know all Moms worry but I can tell with 100% certainty that the worry from those who had no issues getting pregnant and have had no losses is a much more contained worry than my own. And why shouldn’t it be? They don’t have all the memories that linger…

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    • My little man had two quiet days this week and I was a mess. Kept poking and proding him to make sure he was fine… And of course he’s been rockin and rollin in there since then. I know I won’t feel secure until he’s in my arms.

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  6. I felt exactly the same way. However- I do want to point out that I felt a huge sense of relief when the OB decided to induce. Not only because I was in such excruciating pain, but also because it gave me peace of mind that everything from then on would be super closely monitored. Whatever happens, I know you are a super strong mama, and I just hope that life decides to throw you a bone and get that take home baby to you soon!

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  7. It won’t be long now. I know your fears well. I was probably more of a mess the last week than I was at any other time. I would let my mind wander to dark places, which is scary. I really didn’t feel better until I heard him cry.
    Like you, anytime he didn’t move for awhile, sometimes hours upon hours, i would drink cold water, eat, poke him, anything I thought would wake him up. When I was in the hospital, my dr told me that the average 1st time, healthy pregnancy length is 41w, 2d. I wish I had known that sooner. Maybe it would’ve made me feel a little better. Hang in there momma!!!

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  8. After so many setbacks it is just really hard sometimes to believe that it will actually all work out. I try to remind myself every day to trust in this little baby wriggling in my belly and in my body to see this through and meet this little one live and healthy soon. But there’s still a little creeping voice that questions it all. Will we really be placing our baby in this cosleeper in just a couple of months? I continue to hope and do my best to trust! You are so close, hoping you are able to keep finding joy in these last days.

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  9. I had so many of the same fears toward the end of my pregnancy after hearing of a similarly tragic story like the one you shared. I existed in a constant state of manic fear most of my late second and all of third trimesters and I’m so glad to see how you are not letting your fear control you. I wish I was successful in doing what you are doing to reject the fear and embrace positivity. You are so strong and I can’t wait to read about when you’re little man makes is debut!

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  10. I so get this and really needed to read it today. It’s exactly how I’ve been feeling with this pregnancy – learning to embrace it instead of being fearful. I think you’re right, this community is fantastic but we hear so much it’s hard for some stories not to stay in the back of our minds. I’m glad you’re feeling somewhat at peace and confident. I think that’s a really big battle you’ve won x

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  11. I want to give you such a big hug and take a deep breath of courage for you. I would be scared beyond breathing in your shoes. I’m so so so glad you are confident in your intuition that your tiny sir will arrive safely. I sure hope he does so soon. Very soon. Meanwhile, I am sending love, patience and strength to you.

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